Staring at other people's children (ie tantrums, crying etc.)

[720L]

I can't believe people had the nerve to say anything about your child! It's NOT their business at all how he's behaving or how you should discipline him. I can't stand pushy people! So sorry you had to have tears at Disney.

 

[riu girl]

I was thinking of trying to find this shirt I saw in his size it said "They say I have ADHD but they just don't understand... hey, look, a chicken!".


This just made me laugh so hard, it describes ADHD DD8 to a tee. When searching for frogs/snakes in front of our house I tell her constantly "Stay in our ditch, don't go in the neighbours". Well 9 times out of 10 she ends up in the neighbours ditch chasing a creature of some sort. She is so involved with the "chase" she has no idea she is ditch hopping!
Suzy V.

 

[PrincessKitty]

It's amazing how judgmental people are! Even before I had every worked with kids with developmental disorders, I politely ignored tantruming kids 'cause of the whole "don't want to give kids attention for negative behavior" kind of thing. I can't imagine making comments to parents about their children's behavior.

 

[riu girl]

To the OP:
Thanks for posting this thread. This has been a very interesting thread to read and reflect about. DD8 is ADHD (with some SID and ASD symptoms) and her behaviour can be challenging at times. When we are in similar meltdown situations, I just feel I am so wrapped up trying to get her through the meltdown that I don't even notice the stares/comments from others. I am just so concerned about helping her (her meltdowns end up in a very rapid heart rate and very HIGH hyperactivity). Its so sad, I know she has little or no control of the situation and with the heart rate/hyperactivity she is like a zombie for hours after since it takes so much out of her. Thank goodness the meltdowns (number of and severity) lessen each year.

I'm so sorry to hear you cried at Disney. You must have been so sad. Hopefully by writing this thread and reading the responses you feel better.
Suzy V.

 

[Carrieberry]

Suzy- Thanks. I do feel much better. I am sure it won't be the last time crying about it in public and it certainly wasn't the first. I had a complete breakdown in a Wal Mart cafe one day. We were waiting for the car's oil change to be done and it took longer than normal. I got Brendan a little pizza and we went to sit down. He wanted to sit right by the counter and I tried to take him over to a corner table. I should have known to just sit where he wanted because he could not understand why I wanted to sit somewhere else. He threw his toy at me and knocked a 32oz fruit punch right out of my hand, busted the cup and it went everywhere. There were some senior citizens hanging out there and they just shook their heads and said things very loudly like "terrible" and "can you believe she lets him get away with that and still buys him toys?" That was the first time I ever really got upset. I usually don't care what people think, but that was just so awful. When we sat down and started eating he was fine-totally happy. When the older people left they just stared at us again shaking their heads disapprovingly. In the normal every day life I usually try to just shrug it off, but at Disney it just really bothers me because it is such a magical place and some people can just zap the magic right out of it for me, much faster than my child's meltdown can.

Thanks to everyone who has posted and for all of your kind words. You have all really made me feel alot better.

 

[BillSears]

Please bear with me on this. I'm not trying to insult anyone's parenting or to imply your kids are faking it or anything bad. I just have a question.

How do you tell the difference for your child between autistic behaviour and just normal bad behaviour? Can you tell the difference?

I don't envy your job of trying to raise a child and correct thier behavior when you can't really tell whether the behaviour is something they can control or not.

 

[aceharly]

aceharly- They are amazing aren't they? Brendan started crying before we even got close enough to the Studios to see ToT. He knew we were not headed where he wanted to go and he got so upset. He knows where we are going here at home all the time. If it is a weekend and we even turn in the direction of his school he gets upset. They truly have some amazing abilites!

School, oh man. He hated school, screamed every morning, it was a good 2 years like this, he always acted sick ect... We ended up moving and decided to mainstream him, he loves school now! He's very independant and asks to "go to the big boy gray door" by himself everyday. He plays till the buzzer and goes to the door when hes supposed to, he feels very proud of himself. I count ourselves lucky as far as the tantrums. We were 19 when we had him and 21 when he was diagnosed, our young age helped a lot i think, we were very unconventional with him. You have to be there best friend and be the world to them. My DS struggles with other kids and recently hasn't been invited to b-day partys and such, hes to disruptive to other people i guess. I just tell my wife that we are better parents then most and we will give him the world (WDW in this case lol) and he will be with us forever.

Last year he had a off day, and we were only at disney for 1 day. He does this thing where he gets kinda sicky, lays around and acts tired, after a few hours or minutes sometimes he gets "sick", sometimes hes ok after a bit, sometimes its the next day. Anyway, we decided to go to disney 5 days this year incase he has a offday again. Plan, thats all you can do. Forget the people giving you looks, odds are your 5 times the parent and person they are, throw em a look back.

ps, I like the phrase "good thing god gave him to us", i always say god gave us our some because we could handle him.

 

[scarboroughmom]

All of my kids tend to be "high maintenance", and becoming a parent made me VERY aware of my own limitations, so I am understanding of other children's meltdowns, regardless of the cause. My usual comment to the struggling parent is, "At these times, I try to remember just how happy I was when the the stick turned blue".

 

[aceharly]

Please bear with me on this. I'm not trying to insult anyone's parenting or to imply your kids are faking it or anything bad. I just have a question.

How do you tell the difference for your child between autistic behaviour and just normal bad behaviour? Can you tell the difference?

I don't envy your job of trying to raise a child and correct thier behavior when you can't really tell whether the behaviour is something they can control or not.

You almost have to live it. My son didn't speak till he was 5ish, around the time he was potty (#1) trained, hes 11 and just now using the toilet completely on his own (#2). Deathly afraid of dogs, cats, seagulls, ect, I mean he runs the other way screaming, sometimes right into the street. I was fairly clear with our son, but if you only saw a small part you might think he was normal and only being a brat.

 

[taximomfor4]

Please bear with me on this. I'm not trying to insult anyone's parenting or to imply your kids are faking it or anything bad. I just have a question.

How do you tell the difference for your child between autistic behaviour and just normal bad behaviour? Can you tell the difference?

I don't envy your job of trying to raise a child and correct thier behavior when you can't really tell whether the behaviour is something they can control or not.

Bill, great question. I can only take a stab at it from my own experiences though...

My 7yo dd has multiple issues, none visible really. But she has struggled with sensory integration dysfunction for her whole life. We didn't really catch on until she was 1 yr old. To this day, we don't know all the time what her brattiness is stemming from. I just know my dd. She is VERY sweet, will hold up her end of polite conversation, has more perseverence than any ADULT I know to learn physical skills that come easy to other children. So mostly, I know if she has a meltdown that she is just sort of short circuiting. But remember, she doesn't get really bratty. She is more likely to "Waaaahhhhh-haaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh" as she runs down the hall to her room. We just completely ignore it. She wails away for a little while, lays on her bed and feels the edging on her blanket, then she is good as new.

At WDW, she doesn't have anywhere to run for her meltdowns. So we have to brave the hot, judgmental glares of the PPC ("perfect parents club"). Rissa has her loud cry, and then sort of resets. We are quite lucky I think. She can tell us if she cannot handle the movement of another ride (the kiddie ones). Then, she sits out with me while DH and DD12 take the others on the ride. We sit and wait, she leans back and closes her eyes and rests. Good as new by the time the others get back.

Once again, great question. I will have to add that even if DD7 is having a fit just out of brattiness, not her special issues, I would treat the fit exactly the same. Doesn't matter why she is having her fit....she is learning the skills to deal with her frustrations and/or sensory overloads. But again, we are very lucky that she is so able to verbalize!

 

[Eeyore2003]

Thank-you for sharing. The more you learn about people, the more you learn not to judge people.


I stopped judging parents of any sort since having my own two. Now that they are in college, I just grin to myself, thankful that they're not mine!!! Believe me, been there done that, and know exactly what it feel like!!! LOL

When my oldest was 2, we were in the military and I was shopping at the PX and a lady as pregnant as you can be was looking at baby clothes. There was another poor women with 3 little boys running in and out of the clothes, the pregnant one said, "MY children will never act like that!!!", at which point I looked at her and said very calmly, "Oh yes they will!!!" I'd like to know what she'd say now 24 years later!!!

 

[ucfsweetie82]

As someone studying to be a speech language pathologist, I can't believe the way some of you have been treated, and I am so sorry people can't be understanding especially at Disney. From my experience, in dealing with autism-spectrum disorders, once something causes a meltdown, you need to give them time to have their meltdown, and noone has the right to judge you.

No matter what, a child is a precious gift given to your family, and everyone should respect that children react differently when they get overstimulated. I hope that the world can become more understanding, and realize that a screaming child is something that the parents should handle and not stop and gawk.

 

[Carrieberry]

BillSears- I just know my child. I can almost predict what he will have a meltdown about and try to avoid those situations. When I can't avoid them we just let him do his thing. He his a happy boy most of the time. When he starts to get extremely frustrated it is usually because he does not understand us or he thinks we don't understand him (even though we usually do!). There is no way to know what will set off a child on the spectrum, but if you look closely at how they are acting when they are having the meltdown you can sometimes tell it is not a normal tantrum. They don't just stomp their feet and whine or cry, they seem to be "fighting for their lives" as another poster described a meltdown she witnessed. My son for example goes limp onto the ground and when he is picked up he squirms around clawing at our faces sometimes, head butting, and pulling hair, sometimes he bites. He bit my finger very badly on Spaceship earth last week because the ride stopped there at the top where the car turns backwards. He has a blankie he bites down on when he is upset but he was sitting on it and my finger was closest to his mouth. He does not do it to be mean-it is almost an involuntary action.There is no way to truly know whether a child is having a normal tantrum or is autistic and that is why it is so important not to judge all children when they are misbeaving-you just never know. Good question!

 

[Carrieberry]

Oh and by the way- my son does his fair share of just misbehaving! He gets mad, squints his eyes at me and then throws his blanket at me. That is just a normal angry response to him not getting his way. Not a meltdown!

 

[Carrieberry]

ucfsweetie82- Thank you for becoming a speech path! There are not enough of you!! My son uses PECS to communicate and thanks to a wonderful Speech path that introduced them to him he has made miraculous leaps in communication!

 

[ucfsweetie82]

Thank you Carrie. I love all of my classes so far, and it is so interesting. My interests are autistic children, and stroke patients. I will graduate from UCF in December and then on to grad school.

 

[the kabuki]

Reading these boards has given me a greater awareness of difficulties people face. I promise not to ever comment on other kid's behavior in public.


Yep, thanks for the reminder, it's too easy to judge when you don't know all the facts and we can forget that from time to time.

 

[Forevryoung]

Thank you Carrie. I love all of my classes so far, and it is so interesting. My interests are autistic children, and stroke patients. I will graduate from UCF in December and then on to grad school.

Im undergrad right now for speech too! I graduate in May becuase I am stretching my final 15 credits Good luck getting into grad school!

I have my own issues (dont we all) and if you catch the wrong (rare) moment, you can see a 20 year old having a full blown meltdown. Complete with feet stamping and screaming. I have been known to lay down on the ground as well I always feel bad for my parents who have had to deal with this but they take it in stride . As was said above, they are glad I can verbalize when I need a break and have learned that sometimes it is best to just walk away. I will rejoin the group when I get it out of my system.

 

[Poohnatic]

Wish- I had business cards to hand out explaining what autism is etc, but in the middle of his meltdowns it is diificult to walk away from him and hand out a card. Next time I think we will put a t-shirt on him saying something like "Hi I am autistic. Ask my parents for more info if you see me having a melt down." Or something to that effect.

Carrie,

I haven't gotten past page one, but www.momsonamissionforautism.org has tshirts like you describe.

Suzanne

 

[AUTUMN SUN]

Hi all. We just returned from our trip to WDW on Friday night. My 6 year old son is autistic, and though to most people he appears to be "normal" he most deifintely is not. Autism is a developmental delay. Many autistic chilren are non verbal-they do not or cannot talk. My son is also deaf which compounds the problem. When he gets frustrated he can't verbalize his frustration so he cries. He can get violent-scratching our faces, head butting or kicking. Most of the time he goes completley limp and lays on the ground, becoming "dead weight" for us to try to pick up. Other times he cries and goes rigid. On our trip we had many people not only stare at us (which does not really bother me so much) but also make comments like "wow that is some tantrum". "look at that spolied brat", "Learn to control your child" and my favorite "I would spank my child so hard if he behaved that way". Also many autistic children learn their own way to "self soothe" when they are upset. For our son it is laying on the ground with his favorite blankie over his head and rolling back and forth. He does not care if he is on grass, cement, or a bed of nails. This is how is calms himself down. Children with autism have a developmental delay. They are not normal kids, and when they do the things they do it is not because we are bad parents, or because they are spoiled. It is because they cannot communicate properly and they don't understand. They have every right to enjoy the magic of Disney just like every other child, and some autistic children make unbelievable leaps in development while at Disney, like getting potty trained, saying their first words, or finally getting a decent nights sleep. So please, if you see a child at Disney World acting in the way I described, please don't say anything, shake your head in dissaproval or make us feel like we are the worst parents in the world, because other parents have no idea what it is like to be in our shoes. Please be sensitive to the parents (and siblings!) because belive me, we are having a hard enough time of it already. I should not have to sit in the Fantasyland restaurant crying because of the comments and looks I get from other parents (not that I saw any lime green on any of them!). Thanks for reading.

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Im so sorry you had to go through that. God bless you and your family.