SS and Baseball Vent (Long)

[bunny]

Most divorces occur within the first few years of marriage. One in 12 couples divorce before 2 years. The average number of years married before divorcing is 8 years. (I just looked all of that up.)

 

[brockash]

I don't agree with what I bolded but that is a separate issue.

I agree that if the parents are happy the kids will be happy. That is 100% true, however why can't they cheer the ss on at his games as a family? Wouldn't that make him feel good that his father's new family loves him as well?[/QUOTE]

 

[ChrizJen]

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but I have to agree with those who have pointed out that you knew when you married your DH that his son came along with the deal. It may be hectic, but his son is his responsibility. And he SHOULD enjoy spending as much time as possible with his son.

I guess I'm just thinking that it sounds childish and selfish that you're getting jealous of the time that your DH spends with his son. Have you ever thought about joining them in some of these activities? Your SS may appreciate it, and you'd get to spend more time as a family. You really have to step back and think of things the way your 9 year old SS would. He's just a kid, in the middle of what can obviously be a sticky situation. The job of the adults is to make it as "normal" for him as you can. And if that means your DH spending extra time with him, then so be it.

 

[dbogen]

I can't believe so many people are bashing the OP for a vent. The way I read it is more that the ex seems to be controlling more of the situation than the OP is comfortable with. And rightfully so. Lets see, the EX needs dad to take SS to practices and games when it is her time, as a way to keep him from the new wife and dd. She has already said that the step mom isn't welcome during her time.

OP vent away, as tough as it is to be the step parent, take it from a step child, someone will always feel left behind.

 

[mickeyboat]

Our rec league practice for my 9 year old is 2 hours, with another 2-3 allotted for game day. So, in our lives that would be 7 hours spent with the son. The OP and her daughter have him for the other 80 hours a week they are awake. (Give or take)

If you asked the son whether he'd rather have his dad back full time and give up ball, I suspect he'd rather have dad back.

I think what you really mean is he would rather have his family back. The father is doing the best he can to be the best dad he can be to his son.

The OP said this time commitment is 4-5 hours per day. Don't forget that both of these parent work. Take away 40 hours of awake time, and the committment really is a big one.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I can't believe so many people are bashing the OP for a vent. The way I read it is more that the ex seems to be controlling more of the situation than the OP is comfortable with. And rightfully so. Lets see, the EX needs dad to take SS to practices and games when it is her time, as a way to keep him from the new wife and dd. She has already said that the step mom isn't welcome during her time.

OP vent away, as tough as it is to be the step parent, take it from a step child, someone will always feel left behind.

Yes and the Husband needs to address that. The OP also said that if it was her own child she could understand making that time commitment if her dd really enjoyed something. That is where the bashing so to speak came in.

 

[cheermom1]

I can't believe so many people are bashing the OP for a vent. The way I read it is more that the ex seems to be controlling more of the situation than the OP is comfortable with. And rightfully so. Lets see, the EX needs dad to take SS to practices and games when it is her time, as a way to keep him from the new wife and dd. She has already said that the step mom isn't welcome during her time.

OP vent away, as tough as it is to be the step parent, take it from a step child, someone will always feel left behind.

thanks you thank you thank you!!

 

[stinkerbelle7531]

Yes and the Husband needs to address that. The OP also said that if it was her own child she could understand making that time commitment if her dd really enjoyed something. That is where the bashing so to speak came in.

Exactly. She said

I care about SS a lot. I can honestly say that in a way I love him.

but

when I see my daughter, my heart melts in a way it never has before. I can see, how if it were her, this would not seem like such a sacrifice. (I may get totally flamed for this. I'm just being honest)

She lost me there.

And, wonder of wonders she was flamed for saying what she believe would cause flames.

 

[okeydokey]

I don't agree with what I bolded but that is a separate issue.

I agree that if the parents are happy the kids will be happy. That is 100% true, however why can't they cheer the ss on at his games as a family? Wouldn't that make him feel good that his father's new family loves him as well?

Because the ex-wife doesn't want her there during her weeks. I think the problem is that she doesn't feel at all considered or involved in this decision or activity.

 

[Anewman]

I can't believe so many people are bashing the OP for a vent. The way I read it is more that the ex seems to be controlling more of the situation than the OP is comfortable with. And rightfully so. Lets see, the EX needs dad to take SS to practices and games when it is her time, as a way to keep him from the new wife and dd. She has already said that the step mom isn't welcome during her time.

OP vent away, as tough as it is to be the step parent, take it from a step child, someone will always feel left behind.

That is not the way I read it.

but my husband frequently (almost always) volunteers to take SS to baseball on his mom's days. We've had "discussions" about this, but he really feels strongly that he wants to do this,

 

[lillygator]

Yes and the Husband needs to address that. The OP also said that if it was her own child she could understand making that time commitment if her dd really enjoyed something. That is where the bashing so to speak came in.

I think if it was their dd though, it would be more family time as there would be no ex to tell her she can't come to the games, get out of the car at the house, etc.

 

[brockash]

I think if it was their dd though, it would be more family time as there would be no ex to tell her she can't come to the games, get out of the car at the house, etc.

This is true. If the bio mom is trying to make it where the OP can't go to the games/practices ect. That's rediculous, and not okay and DH needs to straighten that out. Dear old bio mom doesn't get to have that kind of control. I'm pretty sure the games aren't held on her property I get that the bio mom probably feels threatened, but she needs to get over herself and do what's best for her child. The DH needs to get that worked out asap and then maybe it wouldn't be too much of an issue since OP could go to games/practices and spend time with her family.

 

[RachelEllen]

Exactly. She said but She lost me there.

And, wonder of wonders she was flamed for saying what she believe would cause flames.

Well, I guess I shouldn't be suprised. However, this thread has grown so fast, I wanted to repeat that what I typed there was an insight, not an explanation. It hadn't honestly occurred to me to look at it like that until someone pointed it out. As cheesy as it might sound, I appreciate that.

Honestly, this is something we have to work out as a family. There is no risk of the kid not playing baseball. Not going to happen. However, this is just different than the way I grew up, and, I'm adjusting. My parents used to drop me off and pick me up at activities. When I played tennis, I don't think they came to a single game. I was kind of an independant kid, and it wasn't a big deal to me. It's not right or wrong, but it's different, and it's an adjustment.

Oh, and I may be shooting myself in the foot, but, to be fair, DH has put his foot down about DD's and my attendance at games. We are SS's family, and if we can go, we will go.

This post was prompted by my receiving the Spring Ball Practice Schedule. When I started dating DH, SS was in T-ball. For some reason, there wasn't this issue of driving him on his mom's days. So, it was 90 minutes every other Saturday. In the fall, it was fall baseball, and it was a game every Sunday. Now, I get the schedule, and it's every Saturday, Sunday, and Wednesday for three months. So, yes, I was upset and wanted to vent.

 

[barkley]

i wonder how people would react if this were an issue with no step children. just a woman venting about the amount of time her child's extracurricular activity impacts on their home life. vents that because of it her dh has to take time off work but make up for by working nights/weekends-leaving her husband stressed and unable/unavailable to spend time with their other child or in activities/pursuits they as a couple or they as an entire family benefit from. venting that her child spends hours on end with practices and games resulting in his being cranky, exhausted and difficult when it comes to doing homework.

i suspect then people would be quick to say that a realistic look needed to be taken at the activity, weather it was realistic for the family to pursue continued participation in it. weather the benefits realy outweighed the negatives.

so many are quick to judge the op as having issues with this because it involves a step child, claiming that based on their own experiences the "new family" always comes first to the detriment of the "old family". it seems in the op's case the child from the "old family" is being afforded time and involvement on the father's part that in no way compares with what is being extended to the "new family" child.

should adults consider these issues prior to having additional children within a marriage following a divorce? YES, but the reality is they usualy don't. this failure on the adult's part should'nt negativly impact on ANY of their children but it can and often does.

just for the record-i'm sure there are plenty of children from those "new families" that could share their stories of pain and resentment over not having a "traditional" family experience by virtue of their christmas celebrations being held after the holiday to facilitate their half-siblings inclusion, birthday parties schedualed around their half-siblings being present (and i know several whose bday parties could'nt be held unless the half sibling was there yet they were NEVER so much as invited to that half-sibs birthday party unless it was the second one for the same birthday being hosted by their parents), their exclusion from extra curriculars because it conflicted with their half-sib's "dad and me time"-this one was of particular hurt. it seemed that their dad's perceived that the time their half-sibs spent with them had to be special one on one time and it special concern had to be taken to accord their half-sib with these experiences ("because they are missing out on it since i don't live with them all the time like i do with you")-yet the truth was those special one on one "dad and me times" were never happening with the kid's dad lived with "all the time"-and in reality had never occured when dad lived with his other child "all the time".

it's rotten, but it's the way it too often happens-so you have to look at the needs of all the kids.

 

[lillygator]

i wonder how people would react if this were an issue with no step children. just a woman venting about the amount of time her child's extracurricular activity impacts on their home life. vents that because of it her dh has to take time off work but make up for by working nights/weekends-leaving her husband stressed and unable/unavailable to spend time with their other child or in activities/pursuits they as a couple or they as an entire family benefit from. venting that her child spends hours on end with practices and games resulting in his being cranky, exhausted and difficult when it comes to doing homework.

i suspect then people would be quick to say that a realistic look needed to be taken at the activity, weather it was realistic for the family to pursue continued participation in it. weather the benefits realy outweighed the negatives.

so many are quick to judge the op as having issues with this because it involves a step child, claiming that based on their own experiences the "new family" always comes first to the detriment of the "old family". it seems in the op's case the child from the "old family" is being afforded time and involvement on the father's part that in no way compares with what is being extended to the "new family" child.

should adults consider these issues prior to having additional children within a marriage following a divorce? YES, but the reality is they usualy don't. this failure on the adult's part should'nt negativly impact on ANY of their children but it can and often does.

just for the record-i'm sure there are plenty of children from those "new families" that could share their stories of pain and resentment over not having a "traditional" family experience by virtue of their christmas celebrations being held after the holiday to facilitate their half-siblings inclusion, birthday parties schedualed around their half-siblings being present (and i know several whose bday parties could'nt be held unless the step sibling was there yet they were NEVER so much as invited to that half-sibs birthday party unless it was the second one for the same birthday being hosted by their parents), their exclusion from extra curriculars because it conflicted with their half-sib's "dad and me time"-this one was of particular hurt. it seemed that their dad's perceived that the time their half-sibs spent with them had to be special one on one time and it special concern had to be taken to accord their half-sib with these experiences ("because they are missing out on it since i don't live with them all the time like i do with you")-yet the truth was those special one on one "dad and me times" were never happening with the kid's dad lived with "all the time"-and in reality had never occured when dad lived with his other child "all the time".

it's rotten, but it's the way it too often happens-so you have to look at the needs of all the kids.

so true - I think the word step gets everyone up in arms.

 

[CookieDiva]

this is just different than the way I grew up, and, I'm adjusting. My parents used to drop me off and pick me up at activities. When I played tennis, I don't think they came to a single game. I was kind of an independant kid, and it wasn't a big deal to me. It's not right or wrong, but it's different, and it's an adjustment.

You are definitely right about this. I don't know when you grew up, but in the 60s and 70s when I grew up, this was exactly the way that it was for me and my brothers. I was involved in theater at school and in the community and I was thrilled if they came to one presentation of the play that was being produced. Parents today will go to each and every showing. The same with sports. My brothers both played recreational BB, and I can remember my mom running them to practices and games, but I don't remember her or my dad going to any games.

We didn't feel deprived or that our parents didn't care. It was just different then.

Today it is completely different...

 

[cheermom1]

Well, I guess I shouldn't be suprised. However, this thread has grown so fast, I wanted to repeat that what I typed there was an insight, not an explanation. It hadn't honestly occurred to me to look at it like that until someone pointed it out. As cheesy as it might sound, I appreciate that.

Honestly, this is something we have to work out as a family. There is no risk of the kid not playing baseball. Not going to happen. However, this is just different than the way I grew up, and, I'm adjusting. My parents used to drop me off and pick me up at activities. When I played tennis, I don't think they came to a single game. I was kind of an independant kid, and it wasn't a big deal to me. It's not right or wrong, but it's different, and it's an adjustment.

you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. what i recommend is that you and your dh need to do what is best and right for you family period!

i will also tell you that it should get much better about the ex trying to tell you what to do when dh has his son. it will take quite some time but it will happen. it took us almost 5 years. if you just remember to make everything as fair as possible then your ss shouldn't fell left out.

we go to my ss's games and activities a lot but not all of them but at the same time we don't go to all my kids stuff either. it depends on the situation and what is going on and we decide together that is key. good luck

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Because the ex-wife doesn't want her there during her weeks. I think the problem is that she doesn't feel at all considered or involved in this decision or activity.

That is why I said that her DH needs to get this straightened out with the ex. However, the OP also stated that she can't really go to much because the baby has to nap or go to bed. Why can't there be some flexibility there? Put the baby in a stroller or a sling.

 

[bunny]

My son is in kindergarten. For the class Christmas party, they had more parents there than kids. Apparently alot of the dads took off work to come and even some grandparents. It was a 1 hour party on the day before break where the kids ate cookies and did crafts. The teacher told me later that she is now going to have to start limiting how many people can come. I felt bad because I didn't go. I don't remember either of my parents ever coming to a class party. And my parents maybe came to one or two of my sporting events.

 

[lillygator]

That is why I said that her DH needs to get this straightened out with the ex. However, the OP also stated that she can't really go to much because the baby has to nap or go to bed. Why can't there be some flexibility there? Put the baby in a stroller or a sling.

but do they have to go to every game?