Someone planning on gate-crashing our holiday (what would u do)

[S. Lopez]

Oops, I have invited myself on a trip with my nephew, his girlfriend and their sweet baby boy. But, I asked him to make sure his girlfriend was ok with me coming along and....I paid for most of the trip. It was so fun that we're doing it again this coming January and I can't wait to spend time with my family. Plus, I have already agreed to babysit so they can have a nice dinner. It might not be so bad, you never know, maybe your FIL might pay for the trip and agree to kid sitting duties.

 

[mpadilla89]

This is the reason I share my Disney plans with all of you here and not family. If it is just us going(DD,DH,I) i won't say a word until about a week or two before. or if it comes up i just give vague dates. I love going on trips and vacations with my siblings and parents but sometimes we need to experience thing just us.

 

[NewbieMouse]

If he hasn't booked yet, you need to be honest (or rather your DH does) and tell your FiL that this is a special trip for just you, DH, and your children. As is said on particular UK forum, if your DH won't speak to his father then you have a DH problem, not a FiL problem!

If there's real danger he'll pull the trigger and book himself to come along before discussing it with you, you need to do this. ^^^

When this happened to me (I've had a few friends think they should plan their family vacation at the same time, because I must be terribly lonely on my solo trips!), I gave really vague timeframes for as long as possible. So they asked when, I said early 201x. They asked when again, I said January or February. And just kind of kept doing that.

In the future, do this ^^^

 

[az4boys]

Oops, I have invited myself on a trip with my nephew, his girlfriend and their sweet baby boy. But, I asked him to make sure his girlfriend was ok with me coming along and....I paid for most of the trip. It was so fun that we're doing it again this coming January and I can't wait to spend time with my family. Plus, I have already agreed to babysit so they can have a nice dinner. It might not be so bad, you never know, maybe your FIL might pay for the trip and agree to kid sitting duties.

The bolded parts make a huge difference!

 

[MermaidHair]

OP - I would help your DH out with his upcoming conversation with FIL (because he really needs to reach out) and offer to plan another trip somewhere with extended family (ie, FIL) another time. The other trip may not be to Disneyland but maybe just a modest weekend getaway so all of the generations can have time together. This trip, however, is a special one for just the four of you and you would like to keep it that way. I have taken my mother with us to DLR twice now and really, the tone of the trip changes when she is there because I worry about her enjoyment level, comfort, etc. Love my mother, prefer to do DLR without her...

PS - YAY for having planned your trip! 3 and 6 are great ages for a first DLR trip. Have a blast!

 

[WonkaKid]

This is definitely an awkward situation. However, sometimes the easiest solution is plain and simple honesty, as some previous posters have suggested. Perhaps you (or preferably your husband, since it's his father) could explain to your FiL that, although he's part of your family and welcome on holidays, this is something you'd planned for immediate family only. Nothing personal -- you'd just like to be on your own. If it helps to soften the blow, perhaps sprinkle in a white lie or two. Tell him that a close family friend asked to come along but you had to decline their request. Hope this helps.

 

[SteveMP]

It would be classic if you told them the dates that you were going to Disney World. And when the day of arrival came and the texted to see where they could meet you, you reply "I said Disney LAND"

 

[eeudj]

Wow!

 

[smartlabelprint]

I run into this often when people hear how often I go. I think it's the difference between people knowing how expensive it is. I'm a basic office worker. I go twice a year, sometimes more. So I often hear, "Isn't that expensive?!?" I tend to point out that it's not as bad as most people assume since I have military discounts, stay off-site, eat cheaply, and afford it by saving $100 per paycheck. But, until then, people tend to assume its much more expensive, and they tend to wonder how an office worker and a teacher in a small town could afford it. Maybe I'm just around people that speak their mind more, or open up to me more, because most people mention at some point how expensive it is.

SOme people are so bad with money. Then they judge how you spend yours. Eyeroll! DH and I both work part time. We save by not golfing, getting manicures, coloring our hair. People need to understand we all make choices!

We travel twice a year, generally. As our kids get older we may have to increase days and decrease to 1 trip. It seems more expensive to travel with kids. We'll be buying our first kid AP next year!

 

[whitneyebz]

Sorry We are kind of the more the merrier and really enjoy having family along for Disneyland (but not for all vacations...some we just want it to be us so we can decide what we do every day without anyone else complaining). Our next trip we have FIL and MIL coming, and BIL and SIL and nephew. It's becoming a tradition and it's so nice to have extra help with our kids, too. But we have a relationship where we like to do most things together.

 

[Aknative2]

Cherish the moments with family as it may be their last, both DH and I no longer have our parents to enjoy fun times with. Parents sacrifice a lot for their children and as grandparents they now have opportunity to spend time with their grandchildren. Setup times to do things together and set up times of when to meet up. We had the opportunity to have both widowed moms live with with us so my children could see how we treated and cherished them so as they become parents they will have our examples to follow. We took both moms to Disneyland at various times and still talk about those memories fondly. It was work as we wheeled the wheel chairs and dealt with physical limitations. But it was worth it to ensure they felt valued and not a burden

 

[Realfoodfans]

Depends on your family - I was always happy to spend time on holiday with my parents (also without them). Only once tried it with ex inlaws - never again! Just didn't work and made the children unhappy.
We often go away with DS and DIL (no children) but always at their request.
We also go away with DD and the children without SIL.
This next trip will be just the second time with SIL and I've run everything past him to make sure he's happy. We've also agreed whenever they/us want some space we will do our own thing. Last trip with them they left DGS with us and had some days on their own at the Keys and we all benefited.

 

[theluckyrabbit]

Depends on your family ... We often go away with DS and DIL (no children) but always at their request...

This point is key here. The OP's title made it clear that what is happening in her case is "gate-crashing," not someone being invited to join a family vacation. There is a huge difference between a family holiday where everyone is invited to join in and a holiday where people feel free to barge in uninvited. The OP's FIL might be very welcome in a different context, but in this case, he is apparently intruding on private plans.

 

[Frozen2014]

That sucks. I totally get that this is YOUR family vacation and although he probably didn't think otherwise, it is rude and assuming of him. I think it's normal that family knows when you'll be away but not for them to invite themselves. Just be honest ...or have DH talk to him so it doesn't strain your relationship...that this is your precious family time together, just you guys. Life us so busy that it gives you time together, not to mention at the happiest place on earth. Good luck. I'd be the same as you.

 

[dosekies]

Ugh my future MIL is the same way. My fiancé and I went to DW in spring 2015 and his sister and her BF went that fall. His mom was upset that neither of us had invited her and future FIL to go with. Like seriously? We had just gone on a big vacation with them, we are allowed a vacation to ourselves! Also, none of this was brought up until fiance and I started planning another trip with his sister and she invited the parents without telling us because she felt bad about her mom being upset and leaving them alone on Thanksgiving. MIL has also invited herself along on SIL's trip to Ireland. She was literally in another room when SIL was telling me about her plans and she yells "oh, I've always wanted to go! I am coming with!".

 

[MacMama0930]

Cherish the moments with family as it may be their last, both DH and I no longer have our parents to enjoy fun times with. Parents sacrifice a lot for their children and as grandparents they now have opportunity to spend time with their grandchildren. Setup times to do things together and set up times of when to meet up. We had the opportunity to have both widowed moms live with with us so my children could see how we treated and cherished them so as they become parents they will have our examples to follow. We took both moms to Disneyland at various times and still talk about those memories fondly. It was work as we wheeled the wheel chairs and dealt with physical limitations. But it was worth it to ensure they felt valued and not a burden

This is so not fair. And you're making many assumptions here. Of course no one knows how much time we have with our loved ones. I love doing things with my family. I'm super close with my parents and have gone to Disneyland with them and without them. Different kinds of trips. Not better or worse, just different. My parents are still young and (God willing) are no where near ailing health. I think you're assuming OPs FIL is some old, ailing man who's last wish is to spend a day st Disneyland with them.
OP, it is 1000% ok to want this vacation to be a special trip with just your immediate family. Sounds like you're traveling far and that you've invested a lot of money and time into this trip. Don't feel bad about not wanting your FIL there with you. You can treat your family with love and respect without compromising your own feelings and needs.

 

[Sergio S]

When life throws you lemons, make lemonade.
So if your FIL wants to come, then you should include him in SOME adventures, but do make it clear that the others you just want the family included. And during that time, encourage him to do his own thing. CAis huge and many forget there's a Northern, Central, and Southern CA with each having its different vibes and culture experiences. Ask him to take a day to go explore the San Diego beaches, or check out wine country up north. If he wants to stay local and...assuming hes a betting man, tell him to take a visit Santa Anita Park. Or maybe check out some of the local watering hole around.
Also, take advantage of the free babysitting option as mention. There are a ton of adult/couple things to do in and around DLR/DCA.

 

[Malcon10t]

I understand the OP's position, but I am also one of those "More the merrier". I will post my trips and if people say "Hey, we were thinking of going too", they are welcome. I do do the meet up for this and that, and then everyone is on their own for other things. Heck, we even have my EX along every now and again as he likes to spend time with the kids and grandkids.

 

[Tehls]

We have had our vacation plans to DL crashed twice due to the terrible in-laws. We now have to keep everything a secret and lie up until we leave. We feel your pain on this!

 

[Canadian Harmony]

DH and I have a rule - he deals with his family and I deal with mine. Your DH needs to tell his father that unless he's planning on paying for your rooms at the GCH, he needs to arrange the visit where he's not piggybacking on yours. Of course you and DH need to provide a united front on this. But as someone else said earlier, California is a HUGE place and there are tons of things to do other than DLR if he does decide to come.