Someone planning on gate-crashing our holiday (what would u do)

[AlohaNow]

It would be classic if you told them the dates that you were going to Disney World. And when the day of arrival came and the texted to see where they could meet you, you reply "I said Disney LAND"

SteveMP - I kind of love this beyond words! (Does that make me a bad person?)

There does seem to be something about Disney in particular that lends itself to self-inviting! We kept our most recent DLR trip from family for just this reason.

 

[Shanti]

We are a family of 4 Brits. Our kids are 6 and 3

We just booked our first trip to DLR for next year. Excited beyond words!

Until... I mentioned our plans on Fb. ‍

Father in law replied : u will have to let me know your dates. I told him the dates and said why? He said u never know. So I'm like 'u never know what'?

He says : California is on my bucket list.

Like what? Say that again? He's planning to gate crash my family holiday. Call me cruella de vil but I'm not having this!

Why do people think it's ok to crash your holiday that u have been saving hard for for the past year?

Not to mention this is our first ever visit to Disneyland, our first visit to California? Why do people think it's ok to invite themselves?


Sorry for the big rant

Lesson learned. Don't post vacation plans on Facebook in advance, or even talk about them in advance.

 

[az4boys]

Keep your boundaries. California may be on his bucket list, and that is fine. California is a big place. Disneyland is a big place. Maybe make arrangements to meet up for a meal or two, or a couple rides. Don't feel like you have to change anything that you planned. One time we went the same time as my sister and her family. We even stayed at the same hotel but only saw each other a couple times. We both had little kids. She did what was best for her family and I did what was best for mine. (We get along great, by the way.) Another time DH invited his parents without talking to me first. Again, we get along great, but trying to accommodate the wishes of 2 additional adults could have been stressful. I was up front with DH and told him that we were still going to do what we had originally planned. If they wanted to come along, great. If not, they were free to go off on their own. It is better to be up front than to resent him later.

As a follow up to my own post: it would be a different scenario if you had AP's and visited often. We just got AP's for the first (and possibly only) time, so having extras isn't as big of a deal to me right now. Before this, we only visited about every 4 years. It was a huge deal then. Since you are coming from out of the country and this is your first visit, I still say keep your boundaries and be very clear up front. And... have a great time on your trip!

 

[HuskyGal]

Op, if you think your fil will take over and ruin your vacation and talking to him doesn’t work, straight up lie and say you canceled your trip. You will be so glad to be father-in-law-less!

 

[eeudj]

Ugh my future MIL is the same way. My fiancé and I went to DW in spring 2015 and his sister and her BF went that fall. His mom was upset that neither of us had invited her and future FIL to go with. Like seriously? We had just gone on a big vacation with them, we are allowed a vacation to ourselves! Also, none of this was brought up until fiance and I started planning another trip with his sister and she invited the parents without telling us because she felt bad about her mom being upset and leaving them alone on Thanksgiving. MIL has also invited herself along on SIL's trip to Ireland. She was literally in another room when SIL was telling me about her plans and she yells "oh, I've always wanted to go! I am coming with!".

Foreshadowing.............just word of advice. when you marry you marry the family too LOL at least you can not say you did not know,,, Good luck happy wedding planning

 

[dosekies]

Foreshadowing.............just word of advice. when you marry you marry the family too LOL at least you can not say you did not know,,, Good luck happy wedding planning

Yeah, that is the unfortunate part haha. Luckily my fiance realizes how crazy they are too most of the time so at least I'm not (always) the only one looking at them like they're nuts!! And hallelujah I managed to push them all out of wanting to go to Disney with us, so it ended up just being him and I going next month

 

[KBinCO]

I hope he pays and babysits! If so, sweet deal!

 

[Kindermouse]

For some insensitive/thoughtless friends and family members with absolutely no boundaries, any mention of a vacation is an automatic invitation to ask about cost, hotel prices, ticket prices, spending money, comparisons to their friends' vacations and costs, etc. It is also an invitation to criticize how much you apparently are spending with how much they think you earn or should be earning. We get this treatment from certain relatives whenever we bring up ANYTHING that has a price tag (how about a trip to just about any restaurant? -- hey, how much did that cost you?!). So we've learned never to bring up anything that could possibly be related to money with these people.

Oh my gosh I get this every trip to Disney. Subtle jabs and talk about how I waste my money on tips to Disney when I make very little money and live very very simply. That is why I come to gush about my trips here instead . The Dis is the one place that I can gush and be excited without fear of snide comments.

If I were he OP I might respond with something like "well if we end up there at the same time we can try to squeeze in a dinner with you. We usually have a pretty hectic schedule on these trips but we can try to find time for a dinner one night maybe". This should communicate that you already have plans and you aren't interested in changing them -plans that are already full without him-but you don't mind including him in a single dinner to be polite.

 

[MacMama0930]

Oh my gosh I get this every trip to Disney. Subtle jabs and talk about how I waste my money on tips to Disney when I make very little money and live very very simply. That is why I come to gush about my trips here instead . The Dis is the one place that I can gush and be excited without fear of snide comments.

If I were he OP I might respond with something like "well if we end up there at the same time we can try to squeeze in a dinner with you. We usually have a pretty hectic schedule on these trips but we can try to find time for a dinner one night maybe". This should communicate that you already have plans and you aren't interested in changing them -plans that are already full without him-but you don't mind including him in a single dinner to be polite.

I don't get why people do this! It happens to me, too...the eye rolls. The talk throwing my money at Disneyland. Most of these people don't even know how much money I make. Being an entrepreneur, there isn't even like a standard base they go off (teacher, or nurse, for instance). And I'm certainly not going to double down on their tackiness and actually talk about what I make! I don't put my family in debt to do these trips and even if I did...that MY FAMILY'S business, not anyone else's. I never do that kind of thing to people and I don't know why people think they can insert themselves in something like your own financial choices.

 

[StormyCA]

I guess I'm lucky. The LAST thing any of my family members (except DS2 and DiL) would want to do would be to go to DL or WDW! That includes my nDH (non-Disney Husband).

That's why BFF and I get to go on our own and act like 6 year olds!

 

[losfp]

I don't think this is much of an issue, but it depends on your touring style, and your extended family's touring style.

On our recent trip (Canadian Rockies, Alaska Cruise, Alaska, Hollywood, Disneyland), my parents and aunt were on their own trip and our paths crossed a few times. We had organised it as a 10th wedding anniversary trip with the kids. My parents had booked an Alaska cruise a few years ago but cancelled it because it would coincide with the birth of our second. So when we said we were planning to go back to Alaska, they were keen to finally go and they offered to pay for our cabin on the cruise, sort of as an anniversary present.

Even though they booked themselves in the cabin right next to ours, and they were in the same hotel as us in Denali, it really wasn't that intrusive. They helped out taking the kids a few times, we had dinner together each night on the cruise to talk about each others adventures during the day, but to be honest, we mostly each did our own thing.

Of course, if your family are the type that insist on doing everything all together, that can become tedious. I understand OPs concerns in that case.

 

[smartlabelprint]

I guess I'm lucky. The LAST thing any of my family members (except DS2 and DiL) would want to do would be to go to DL or WDW! That includes my nDH (non-Disney Husband).

That's why BFF and I get to go on our own and act like 6 year olds!

 

[grammakelly]

Yeah, Disneyland has been "our" thing for quite a few years before my new DIL came into the family. Now, whenever we go, she invites a friend and their family, or a brother and his wife, etc.
Now, I DO like these people, but it's OUR thing! No, we do not see them too much, even staying at the same motel, but I miss seeing my grandkids, because they are hanging with their dad and stepmom (and the interlopers...LOL!) instead of us. My current DIL just does not get the same whole Disneyland experience as we do. To her, it is not magical.
We only get to go once a year, so it's a big deal to us.
I miss the old days.

 

[smartlabelprint]

 

[grammakelly]

OP - I would help your DH out with his upcoming conversation with FIL (because he really needs to reach out) and offer to plan another trip somewhere with extended family (ie, FIL) another time. The other trip may not be to Disneyland but maybe just a modest weekend getaway so all of the generations can have time together. This trip, however, is a special one for just the four of you and you would like to keep it that way. I have taken my mother with us to DLR twice now and really, the tone of the trip changes when she is there because I worry about her enjoyment level, comfort, etc. Love my mother, prefer to do DLR without her...

PS - YAY for having planned your trip! 3 and 6 are great ages for a first DLR trip. Have a blast!

When my oldest son and his family went to Disneyland for the first time, they went with friends, and told us very early upfront, that we were NOT going to come along.
They wanted it to be special for their family and their best friends' family.
We were hurt for a while, I wanted to be there for the grand's first visit. (My son had been with us several times, before his marriage.)
But we got over it, and were able to have a first large family trip with both our sons and their families, the next year, so that was pretty special too. (First time for younger son's kids.)
Maybe FIL can be in on the planning for HIS first trip with your family next time?
I would be very honest with him. He will get over it too, like I did.

 

[Kindermouse]

Yeah, Disneyland has been "our" thing for quite a few years before my new DIL came into the family. Now, whenever we go, she invites a friend and their family, or a brother and his wife, etc.
Now, I DO like these people, but it's OUR thing! No, we do not see them too much, even staying at the same motel, but I miss seeing my grandkids, because they are hanging with their dad and stepmom (and the interlopers...LOL!) instead of us. My current DIL just does not get the same whole Disneyland experience as we do. To her, it is not magical.
We only get to go once a year, so it's a big deal to us.
I miss the old days.

My sister is like that while I am more like you. She cant seem to go on vacation without her best friend and her family. They even joined her on her honeymoon for the last few days! I am not really a fan of the best friend because she is kinda of a condescending brat and I like vacations to be family only- so now I take my sisters kids without her. Have you thought of going with just your grand kids to get a real family vacation in? You can leave the grown ups, and their vacation style behind.

 

[VandVsmama]

We are a family of 4 Brits. Our kids are 6 and 3

We just booked our first trip to DLR for next year. Excited beyond words!

Until... I mentioned our plans on Fb. ‍

Father in law replied : u will have to let me know your dates. I told him the dates and said why? He said u never know. So I'm like 'u never know what'?

He says : California is on my bucket list.

Like what? Say that again? He's planning to gate crash my family holiday. Call me cruella de vil but I'm not having this!

Why do people think it's ok to crash your holiday that u have been saving hard for for the past year?

Not to mention this is our first ever visit to Disneyland, our first visit to California? Why do people think it's ok to invite themselves?


Sorry for the big rant

Oh my goodness! What a dilemma! I have lived through a similar situation myself with 1 of our parents who was VERY interested in our travel dates, wanted to know EXACTLY where we would be, etc. It did not go well. The relative DID gate crash and it was not pleasant.

My gut says that your FIL is going to be in CA during the same dates that you are. Your spouse needs to be the one to set proper boundaries w/FIL. Other unsolicited advice:

1. It's a free country and technically, your FIL is free to get on an airplane and be in Anaheim the same time that you are. You can't control what he does or doesn't do.
2. Don't ever announce big travel plans on Facebook again. Lesson learned. Announce it when you are at the airport and you take a pic of your family getting on the plane.
3. The Disneyland edition of the DIS Unplugged had a podcast several months ago (I don't remember the date of the podcast, though) that was a whole HOUR of suggestions on how to handle a multi-generational trip to Disneyland. I would highly recommend that you listen to that podcast JUST IN CASE your FIL does show up.
4. Go ahead and make your plans at Disneyland as if FIL isn't going to be there.
5. This means that 60 days prior to the trip, make dining reservations for whatever TS restaurants you want to eat at. Since your kids are 6 and 3, a character meal or 2 would be ideal. Like at WDW, those require reservations. Make the reservations JUST FOR THE 4 OF YOU, DO NOT ASSUME THAT FIL WILL BE JOINING YOU!
6. When your travel dates get closer, the word of the day should always be "EVASIVE" when FIL asks you prodding questions about where & when you're going to eat, etc. Something like, "Oh, I don't know yet. We're just going to play it by ear." Then you go ahead and do the character meals & TS meals WITHOUT FIL and you get 60-90 minutes' reprieve from the theme park and FIL craziness.
7. Whatever you do, MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE YOUR OWN HOTEL ROOM AND DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET FIL STAY IN YOUR ROOM WITH YOU! If he does just "show up," you will need a calm space away from him.
8. Make sure that you stay at a hotel within 10 min walking distance of the park entrance (i.e., some place along Harbor Blvd). And take a break every afternoon back in your hotel room. Make this not negotiable because YOU are your kids' parents, not FIL. This is YOUR trip.
9. When FIL just "shows up," you & your spouse will need to be very comfortable with TELLING things to your FIL, not asking permission.
10. When FIL shows up in Anaheim, it will help if you have some sort of idea ahead of time as to what his regular day to day lifestyle usually is. For example, is he an early riser or a night owl? Does he like to spend hours hanging out with his buddies at the local pub...shooting the breeze, having a pint or 2, and watching the world go by? Or is he a really active person, outdoorsy, into hiking, biking, etc.? What is his health like? You can easily end up walking 10 miles a day in a busy day at Disneyland. Can he physically handle it?
11. If it's obvious that FIL won't be able to physically handle all day in a busy theme park for a few days in a row, you can use this to your advantage. Park Grandpa at a picturesque spot in DCA or DL and tell him, "See you in an hour" and then your family takes off to go on rides. Go on a ride or 2 together first thing in the am, take some pictures together, and then park him on a bench, send him to shop or whatever, and then meet up for lunch at a CS place.
12. If you will be renting a car for part/all of your stay in CA, DO NOT RENT A CAR BIG ENOUGH TO ALSO HOLD FIL! Seriously....just a 4-door, 4-seater sedan. No SUV or minivan.
13. Do NOT tell FIL which hotel you'll be staying at!
14. Pretend that you have minimal/no mobile/cell service while in CA, so text messages and calls will accidentally be ignored or go to voicemail.

There are ways around your FIL such that you can manage him and his expectations yet still have a lovely Disneyland holiday with your immediate family. Is it just FIL or is it MIL, too? Or if FIL is divorced, will he be bringing his current wife/girlfriend with him?

 

[VandVsmama]

I also wanted to add...

Every. Single. Time our family goes to DL, my MIL announces that she wants to go, too. After every trip, she also announces that she's going to go with us on the next trip. Our first trip to DL was when our kids were 4 and 6. Now the kids are 9 and 11. MIL was in poor health then and is in even worse physical shape now 5 years later. Yet still she talks about going. It has driven me crazy. Every time MIL talks about it, my DH goes into "we need to make this happen for Mom" mode. But it never happens. And that's all for the best because she really can't physically handle even half a day at Disneyland.

So now instead of getting all worked up about the persistent threats of MIL might be going with us, I go ahead and make our immediate family's DL travel plans and I pretend that MIL isn't going to be joining us.

You should absolutely go ahead and plan your wonderful holiday as if FIL won't be there. I'm suggesting this because FIL is actually being pretty darn rude by all of his hints. I mean, WHO IN THE WORLD just SHOWS UP on your holiday? Somebody like your FIL, that's who. Maybe your FIL thinks that it would be a wonderful "surprise" for your kids, but it's pretty selfish of him. There is so much planning involved with an overseas holiday when you have kids. And FIL thinks that he can just show up and crash the party. Um, no.

 

[theluckyrabbit]

For everyone suggesting that FIL should be used as free babysitting, the OP should think long and hard on that one. Does FIL babysit regularly at home? Is he responsible and trustworthy? Especially when jet lagged? Can he be left unsupervised with the kids for long periods of time? In a strange place where he hasn't been before? In crowds? Where he isn't familiar with his surroundings or the money or the Disney culture? etc., etc., etc....
He could be the world's best babysitter or...
Case in point: a friend of mine went with her in-laws to DL for one day. What could go wrong in just one day, right? She left FIL in charge of the 4 yo while she took MIL and the older child on Indy, POTC, and HM. Instructions were pretty simple. Stay in the designated area until we all meet up again. When she returned, she found a sobbing 4 yo sitting alone in a puddle of urine and poop. Where is Grandpa? I don't know. How long have you been alone? I don't know. Why didn't you go to the bathroom? Grandpa wouldn't take me. He didn't want to and said you would when you came back. Turns out, FIL had gone to get something to eat and had told the 4 yo to stay put (Don't tell your mom!). Later in the day, FIL LOST said 4 yo in TT. (Well, I don't know -- he just got away!) Poor kid was lost for almost an hour before security found him by Space Mountain! (And, after all this, FIL never apologized for anything. He didn't think he had done anything wrong.)
For me, I'd rather pay top dollar for a trustworthy sitter, than go with that kind of free babysitting any day!

 

[grammakelly]

My sister is like that while I am more like you. She cant seem to go on vacation without her best friend and her family. They even joined her on her honeymoon for the last few days! I am not really a fan of the best friend because she is kinda of a condescending brat and I like vacations to be family only- so now I take my sisters kids without her. Have you thought of going with just your grand kids to get a real family vacation in? You can leave the grown ups, and their vacation style behind.

On the HONEYMOON? YIKES!
Yes, I have tried to go with just the kiddos, but it would break their Dad's heart...He is the the biggest DL kid there!