Someone planning on gate-crashing our holiday (what would u do)

[mfleeting]

We’ve had family members/friends invite themselves onto our trips before. Normally for us in the end they don’t get to go but occasionally they do. We always are just honest with them that they can come if they want to but we will not change any plans to fit their needs. Even if those plans are we want to go ride pirates right now and they want to go ride splash mountain we go “ok have fun at splash mountain we will meet you at The castle when we are done”. We will also sometimes say we will spend so many days with them but other days really are “just us” days and we let them know in advance what days those are. If that’s the route we go we do take into consideration what they want to do as well to a point. If we’re at Disneyland and they want to go spend the day at a beach - sorry but no - but if they want to ride splash mountain at a certain time or go eat at a place we didn’t have listed for the day we will go along with them.

 

[mpadilla89]

<edited>
Kind of agree. Unless it is your first time ever going I do not understand the point of posting on social media that you will be going. One things like this situation happens and I also do not like other people knowing when i am not home. We knew we were going since last year but where not exact on dates but have not posted a single thing to social media or told anyone besides my parents & I just told them a few months ago. I made it clear that i was taking my Goddaughter with us and it was going to be an us trip and we could take another Disney family trip next year in 2018. everyone was happy. I think we all should know what type of family we have and what we can say to some and not to others.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

<Edited>


I always think it is funny that so many here think you should keep everything you and your family do, private.

My first thought is, "Don't you have any friends?" Friends that would be excited for you? Friends that have been before and might have some insight? Really, just friends that like you?

I also don't understand the passive aggressive stuff that is suggested.

Tell them you didn't get their text or phone call. Sneak out of the door before they are up. Leave them somewhere. Except for the text message advice, that is stuff kids did to kids that they didn't like. It is probably exactly what kids do now. That is not something you do to your father. And that is not something that an adult does.

If you don't want him to come, or if you don't want him around you, someone needs to tell him. Tell him before he spends thousands of dollars on a trip where he isn't welcome. Tell him before he starts looking forward to spending time with his son and family. Tell him now that you don't want him to come along.

 

[Jedi Mouse]

I know everyone's family dynamics are different and what works for some might not work for others.

We have really enjoyed the few trips to Disneyland we've taken with my mom. She comes to the parks for a few hours, we take pictures and she enjoys a few rides with the kids and then she tires out and goes back to the hotel. She also takes the kids for at least one evening so my wife and I can enjoy a date night at Disney on our own. We've also had a few friends tag along over the years and have found that Tom Bell's (@ImTooExcitedToSleep) DIS Unplugged tag line of "Disneyland is more magical when it is shared" to be very true.

Perhaps having an open conversation and setting some expectations and boundaries could lead to a great trip for everyone. Your FIL could enjoy his grandchildren (and your children could enjoy their Grandfather) at the Happiest Place on Earth and he could spend some solo time enjoying California.

 

[mpadilla89]

I always think it is funny that so many here think you should keep everything you and your family do, private.

My first thought is, "Don't you have any friends?" Friends that would be excited for you? Friends that have been before and might have some insight? Really, just friends that like you?

I also don't understand the passive aggressive stuff that is suggested.

Tell them you didn't get their text or phone call. Sneak out of the door before they are up. Leave them somewhere. Except for the text message advice, that is stuff kids did to kids that they didn't like. It is probably exactly what kids do now. That is not something you do to your father. And that is not something that an adult does.

If you don't want him to come, or if you don't want him around you, someone needs to tell him. Tell him before he spends thousands of dollars on a trip where he isn't welcome. Tell him before he starts looking forward to spending time with his son and family. Tell him now that you don't want him to come along.

Which is why i kind of agreed with @mavman. I think the op does not want people to come along which is why she should then have kept it private. But now that someone invited them selves she should be clear about it if her husband isn't. Lying and deceiving you FIL is not going to make things nice in your family at all.

We usually travel to Disney in a group of 8 or more. This is the first time it will be just us +1 child. Obviously people in your family can go if they want, but I am the planner in mine & explained to siblings and parents that I would like to take a trip just us to have some family memories of our own. They are still welcomed to come because I do not control their wallets or entrance to Disneyland. But we will do things separately. I Love traveling with my family though and we already have a trip planned for 13 people in Dec 2018.

 

[NewbieMouse]

I always think it is funny that so many here think you should keep everything you and your family do, private.

My first thought is, "Don't you have any friends?" Friends that would be excited for you? Friends that have been before and might have some insight? Really, just friends that like you?

I also don't understand the passive aggressive stuff that is suggested.

Tell them you didn't get their text or phone call. Sneak out of the door before they are up. Leave them somewhere. Except for the text message advice, that is stuff kids did to kids that they didn't like. It is probably exactly what kids do now. That is not something you do to your father. And that is not something that an adult does.

If you don't want him to come, or if you don't want him around you, someone needs to tell him. Tell him before he spends thousands of dollars on a trip where he isn't welcome. Tell him before he starts looking forward to spending time with his son and family. Tell him now that you don't want him to come along.

I agree with this completely. It shocks me the kind of behaviour people will engage in to avoid having a difficult (but still respectful) conversation.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I agree with this completely. It shocks me the kind of behaviour people will engage in to avoid having a difficult (but still respectful) conversation.

Which is why i kind of agreed with @mavman. I think the op does not want people to come along which is why she should then have kept it private. But now that someone invited them selves she should be clear about it if her husband isn't. Lying and deceiving you FIL is not going to make things nice in your family at all.

We usually travel to Disney in a group of 8 or more. This is the first time it will be just us +1 child. Obviously people in your family can go if they want, but I am the planner in mine & explained to siblings and parents that I would like to take a trip just us to have some family memories of our own. They are still welcomed to come because I do not control their wallets or entrance to Disneyland. But we will do things separately. I Love traveling with my family though and we already have a trip planned for 13 people in Dec 2018.

My point is, I often don't want anyone else to come along. I still can tell people that we are going.

If they invite themselves, I tell them that we are traveling alone. My niece, albeit jokingly, said she wanted to come with my husband and I on our last trip. It was to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Sorry, our own son wasn't going. So neither is anyone else. So I told her that. My niece is an adult, as is the FIL in the OP. They should just be told the truth.

 

[NewbieMouse]

My point is, I often don't want anyone else to come along. I still can tell people that we are going.

If they invite themselves, I tell them that we are traveling alone. My niece, albeit jokingly, said she wanted to come with my husband and I on our last trip. It was to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Sorry, our own son wasn't going. So neither is anyone else. So I told her that. My niece is an adult, as is the FIL in the OP. They should just be told the truth.

Me, too - I never want anyone to accompany us on vacation. Not that others might not like that sometimes. And if you don't want someone to come, I agree with you to just tell them the truth straight up.

 

[Tinker1972]

Sorry We are kind of the more the merrier and really enjoy having family along for Disneyland (but not for all vacations...some we just want it to be us so we can decide what we do every day without anyone else complaining). Our next trip we have FIL and MIL coming, and BIL and SIL and nephew. It's becoming a tradition and it's so nice to have extra help with our kids, too. But we have a relationship where we like to do most things together.

Us too. We usually have anywhere from 12-20 of us at one time, and I love it! We did a huge family trip to Disneyland in 2000, it was the last trip with my mom before she passed away at the age of 61. I'd give anything to be able have her here to be with us on every trip.

 

[VandVsmama]

I found it! It's the 8/22/2016 podcast that has all of the suggestions on grandparents joining you at Disneyland.

http://www.disunplugged.com/2016/08/22/dis-unplugged-podcast-082116-disneyland-show/

 

[CottonCandy22]

I haven't been on in a while. Just reading through all the comments! Thanks

I forgot to mention it will be our 5th wedding anniversary also. Which makes the trip a bit more personal.

Also - no chance the FIL will pay, and secondly no way would he be babysitting. I don't go away with my children to have them babysat. I enjoy spending every second with them.

Is it wrong to want to be with just hubby and the 2 kids?

 

[CottonCandy22]

Must also mention, the topic has not been mentioned since. And I don't want to bring it up either LOL

 

[Geemo]

Must also mention, the topic has not been mentioned since. And I don't want to bring it up either LOL

 

[sherilaine]

Some people don't care who comes or goes with them - perhaps your FIL is this way and as such it might never occur to him that you'd care either. Everyone's boundaries are laid about differently.

However, I have found explaining a situation like this as being about yourself and not him might make it easier to swallow. Telling him that you don't like sharing your holiday or that you really want this to be just the 4 of you for whatever reason, and not making it about him being someone who asks to tag along when no one invited him, might go further.

On our second trip to DLR we brought my MIL along - but it was my idea and I invited her - she never asked to come. The problem here though is he didn't even ask - he assumed.

I get why you want this to just be the four of you without thinking in any way that you don't like or enjoy spending time with your FIL - a trip like this is a long time to have a 5th wheel lounging about if they were not intentionally invited!

 

[OKW Lover]

Call me cruella de vil but I'm not having this!

Time to get Horace and Jasper involved

 

[cruisehopeful]

Is it wrong to want to be with just hubby and the 2 kids?

No. Especially with it being your anniversary and you believing that he won't pay his way. Just plan the whole thing and don't tell anyone else about it.

 

[Leslie0915]

I've had this happen multiple times...my wedding, a trip to Kona and most recently in Maui when some neighborhood acquaintances happened to be staying in same place and camped out with us on the beach EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I will never understand it. Vacations are sacred to me. I plan, look forward to spending that time with my immediate family and then BOOM!
What is really unfortunate is that by saying something about other people's lack of boundaries you become the rude one.

Your DH needs to handle this ASAP! I think the "We really need some nuclear family time" is the only option.

Good luck!!!

 

[KZEE965]

I am wondering just what any of you would do if you no longer have any family members? I personally would love to have my parents or in laws join us. But they are all gone now and miss them terribly.

 

[Tinkerbell19672]

If it comes up again, I’d just explain you don’t want them along, in a nice way of course. Maybe something like we’d prefer it just be us on this trip. Maybe if we go again some other time we can work something out. Unless you don’t want that either then nix the last part. Best to be up front with people, is my motto. To me, it’s rude he invited himself along or even suggested it, so if it seems rude to say you don’t want him to, oh well.

 

[mom2rtk]

I am wondering just what any of you would do if you no longer have any family members? I personally would love to have my parents or in laws join us. But they are all gone now and miss them terribly.

It's ok to have boundaries, even within a family. Wanting to take a vacation without extended family does not make you a selfish lout.