so your feelings on a teen's baby shower?

[Mama Mouse]

Actually, I DO know quite a few teen moms. And trust me, you are wrong. There ARE teen moms who get praise. In fact, the vast majority of the teen moms I know DID get a lot of praise for getting pregnant. Yes, you read that right. They DID get praise. Some of it came from their peers who thought it was "cute" and "sweet" to have a baby with their one true love. And the fun of baby showers and buying cute baby clothes was considered a huge benefit to getting pregnant. Some of the girls actually got praise from their mothers -- who were themselves teen moms. And of course, the boys got lots of pats on the back for proving they were a man -- and the more girls you got pregnant, the more praise you got.

If you don't want to believe me, fine. But I know what I've seen for years now. The ONLY thing that's made a difference in the view of teen motherhood is not the actual experience of people in their lives, but watching Teen Mom on tv. For some reason, the hardships those girls suffer has made more of an impact than what they see in real life -- in part, I believe, because the girls in real life are constantly saying how they are doing it all and how wonderful it is, whereas the tv show gives you reality.

All I can say is your experience is the complete opposite of mine. I work daily with pregnant teens and teen Moms and they get none of the praise you're describing but they get a huge daily dose of shame and criticism. I've done this work for seven years now and have never seen what you described.

 

[gwynne]

Do you even know any teen Moms? If you do, you must not know them well or you'd know NO ONE is praising them for becoming pregnant as a teen. Baby showers are NOT going to change pregnancy rates one way or another. And deciding to have and keep the baby means the Mom is signing up for YEARS of hateful comments and criticism. The odds are stacked against her at every possible turn. No one praises her. NO ONE. Not her family, not her friends and certainly not anyone who attends her baby shower. What a few do, hopefully, is offer emotional support. Saying things like This will be incredibly difficult. Life will never be the same. But let me help you make a plan. Let me help you by offering up a few essentials that will be used up in no time. (Diapers) Let me help you by directing you to some resources. Let me help you by discussing your education and how you can continue that. You'll note that none of those celebrate the Mom and her pregnancy.

I had a baby at 16 and the treatment I got was appalling, at best. Despite the fact that I'd been a very good student, very good kid, never in any trouble at all and just had the misfortune to have been pressured by a boy who didn't care about me but, of course, I thought he did. I got raked over the coals and back again.

Then when he passed away as an infant, after many surgeries to try to treat a heart defect, I got raked over the coals again and again and again. That's what I got, they said. For being a teen Mom. It's for the best. Really?

Our society is so backwards. Nothing but SHAME to young girls regarding sex. Absolutely no birth control! Nope! That's not ok! That's SHAMEFUL. But then they get pregnant and everyone's up in arms. And then, God forbid, they keep and try to raise the child. (Because their feelings regarding that choice actually, you know, matter.) More shame and no one wants to help the girl. Just give her her scarlett letter and cast her and her child off as worthless human beings not deserving of any kind of help or support.

Trust me. TRUST ME. No one is praising teen Moms for getting pregnant. And most of them never meant to be pregnant in the first place. But life happens and sometimes it's nice to have a little help dealing with the hard stuff.

Sending a caring hug your way.

 

[Hannathy]

Do you even know any teen Moms? If you do, you must not know them well or you'd know NO ONE is praising them for becoming pregnant as a teen. Baby showers are NOT going to change pregnancy rates one way or another. And deciding to have and keep the baby means the Mom is signing up for YEARS of hateful comments and criticism. The odds are stacked against her at every possible turn. No one praises her. NO ONE. Not her family, not her friends and certainly not anyone who attends her baby shower. What a few do, hopefully, is offer emotional support. Saying things like This will be incredibly difficult. Life will never be the same. But let me help you make a plan. Let me help you by offering up a few essentials that will be used up in no time. (Diapers) Let me help you by directing you to some resources. Let me help you by discussing your education and how you can continue that. You'll note that none of those celebrate the Mom and her pregnancy.

I had a baby at 16 and the treatment I got was appalling, at best. Despite the fact that I'd been a very good student, very good kid, never in any trouble at all and just had the misfortune to have been pressured by a boy who didn't care about me but, of course, I thought he did. I got raked over the coals and back again.

Then when he passed away as an infant, after many surgeries to try to treat a heart defect, I got raked over the coals again and again and again. That's what I got, they said. For being a teen Mom. It's for the best. Really?

Our society is so backwards. Nothing but SHAME to young girls regarding sex. Absolutely no birth control! Nope! That's not ok! That's SHAMEFUL. But then they get pregnant and everyone's up in arms. And then, God forbid, they keep and try to raise the child. (Because their feelings regarding that choice actually, you know, matter.) More shame and no one wants to help the girl. Just give her her scarlett letter and cast her and her child off as worthless human beings not deserving of any kind of help or support.

Trust me. TRUST ME. No one is praising teen Moms for getting pregnant. And most of them never meant to be pregnant in the first place. But life happens and sometimes it's nice to have a little help dealing with the hard stuff.

How many years ago was this?

Have you seen facebook? There are plenty of friends praising them. Ton's of praise and oohs and ahhs for the Mom's . Lot's of I can't wait, Oh your such a great Mom (cause the baby has on a cute outfit) Plenty of your so lucky to be going thru this, Caring more about what color she is picking for the wall than who is going to be paying for that wall.

And yes I do know teen Moms. And there are great differences in teen moms years ago and teen moms now.

 

[lisaviolet]

Do you even know any teen Moms? If you do, you must not know them well or you'd know NO ONE is praising them for becoming pregnant as a teen. Baby showers are NOT going to change pregnancy rates one way or another. And deciding to have and keep the baby means the Mom is signing up for YEARS of hateful comments and criticism. The odds are stacked against her at every possible turn. No one praises her. NO ONE. Not her family, not her friends and certainly not anyone who attends her baby shower. What a few do, hopefully, is offer emotional support. Saying things like This will be incredibly difficult. Life will never be the same. But let me help you make a plan. Let me help you by offering up a few essentials that will be used up in no time. (Diapers) Let me help you by directing you to some resources. Let me help you by discussing your education and how you can continue that. You'll note that none of those celebrate the Mom and her pregnancy.

I had a baby at 16 and the treatment I got was appalling, at best. Despite the fact that I'd been a very good student, very good kid, never in any trouble at all and just had the misfortune to have been pressured by a boy who didn't care about me but, of course, I thought he did. I got raked over the coals and back again.

Then when he passed away as an infant, after many surgeries to try to treat a heart defect, I got raked over the coals again and again and again. That's what I got, they said. For being a teen Mom. It's for the best. Really?

Our society is so backwards. Nothing but SHAME to young girls regarding sex. Absolutely no birth control! Nope! That's not ok! That's SHAMEFUL. But then they get pregnant and everyone's up in arms. And then, God forbid, they keep and try to raise the child. (Because their feelings regarding that choice actually, you know, matter.) More shame and no one wants to help the girl. Just give her her scarlett letter and cast her and her child off as worthless human beings not deserving of any kind of help or support.

Trust me. TRUST ME. No one is praising teen Moms for getting pregnant. And most of them never meant to be pregnant in the first place. But life happens and sometimes it's nice to have a little help dealing with the hard stuff.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

And very sorry for the disgusting way you were treated around the loss of your child. (and your pregnancy for that matter)

It angered me so much to read it all. I don't understand people. Just don't. Okay, I'll be quiet now - just wanted you to know that I was overwhelmed around how you were treated.

 

[DawnM]

I am sorry this happened to you.

Do you even know any teen Moms? If you do, you must not know them well or you'd know NO ONE is praising them for becoming pregnant as a teen. Baby showers are NOT going to change pregnancy rates one way or another. And deciding to have and keep the baby means the Mom is signing up for YEARS of hateful comments and criticism. The odds are stacked against her at every possible turn. No one praises her. NO ONE. Not her family, not her friends and certainly not anyone who attends her baby shower. What a few do, hopefully, is offer emotional support. Saying things like This will be incredibly difficult. Life will never be the same. But let me help you make a plan. Let me help you by offering up a few essentials that will be used up in no time. (Diapers) Let me help you by directing you to some resources. Let me help you by discussing your education and how you can continue that. You'll note that none of those celebrate the Mom and her pregnancy.

I had a baby at 16 and the treatment I got was appalling, at best. Despite the fact that I'd been a very good student, very good kid, never in any trouble at all and just had the misfortune to have been pressured by a boy who didn't care about me but, of course, I thought he did. I got raked over the coals and back again.

Then when he passed away as an infant, after many surgeries to try to treat a heart defect, I got raked over the coals again and again and again. That's what I got, they said. For being a teen Mom. It's for the best. Really?

Our society is so backwards. Nothing but SHAME to young girls regarding sex. Absolutely no birth control! Nope! That's not ok! That's SHAMEFUL. But then they get pregnant and everyone's up in arms. And then, God forbid, they keep and try to raise the child. (Because their feelings regarding that choice actually, you know, matter.) More shame and no one wants to help the girl. Just give her her scarlett letter and cast her and her child off as worthless human beings not deserving of any kind of help or support.

Trust me. TRUST ME. No one is praising teen Moms for getting pregnant. And most of them never meant to be pregnant in the first place. But life happens and sometimes it's nice to have a little help dealing with the hard stuff.

 

[DawnM]

All I can say is your experience is the complete opposite of mine. I work daily with pregnant teens and teen Moms and they get none of the praise you're describing but they get a huge daily dose of shame and criticism. I've done this work for seven years now and have never seen what you described.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't think many adults are praising teen parenthood & would imagine plenty of parents of friends are either using the pregnancy as a cautionary tale or trying to forbid their kid from hanging out with the pregnant friend. I can see where a lot of teens might get their heads turned watching the excitement, the attention, view their friend as moving into a more adult status, etc.

No doubt the realities of teen parenthood are daunting. It doesn't hurt to be kind and supportive. At the end of the day a baby is coming, a baby that needs love, support and people to help it grow to be a decent human being.

I haven't faced this yet with my DDs, but if and when I do I think I'd encourage them to be a friend & know that it won't take much contact w/ a new mom to realize just how much a new baby has changed Suzie's life -- good and bad. Suddenly Suzie can't decide to go to the football game just because she can use the car & doesn't have to work that night, she's got to figure out who can take care of Suzie Jr. Suzie probably stops considering the private college a 3 hour flight away, instead figuring out a way to make a commuting school work, coordinating daycare & a job alongside tuition planning.

My HS sophomore DD had a junior she doesn't really know tell her in class a little over a month ago she thought she was pregnant. Weird she would tell my DD out of the blue. She only knows her in this class this trimester. I was surprised to know my kind of pie in the sky naive DD told her she really needed to tell her parents right away. I've forgotten to ask DD if she's talked to this girl about it again. Apparently nothing really dramatic is going on since DD hasn't mentioned it lately. I'll have to ask what she knows.

 

[becpee]

Do you even know any teen Moms? If you do, you must not know them well or you'd know NO ONE is praising them for becoming pregnant as a teen. Baby showers are NOT going to change pregnancy rates one way or another. And deciding to have and keep the baby means the Mom is signing up for YEARS of hateful comments and criticism. The odds are stacked against her at every possible turn. No one praises her. NO ONE. Not her family, not her friends and certainly not anyone who attends her baby shower. What a few do, hopefully, is offer emotional support. Saying things like This will be incredibly difficult. Life will never be the same. But let me help you make a plan. Let me help you by offering up a few essentials that will be used up in no time. (Diapers) Let me help you by directing you to some resources. Let me help you by discussing your education and how you can continue that. You'll note that none of those celebrate the Mom and her pregnancy. I had a baby at 16 and the treatment I got was appalling, at best. Despite the fact that I'd been a very good student, very good kid, never in any trouble at all and just had the misfortune to have been pressured by a boy who didn't care about me but, of course, I thought he did. I got raked over the coals and back again. Then when he passed away as an infant, after many surgeries to try to treat a heart defect, I got raked over the coals again and again and again. That's what I got, they said. For being a teen Mom. It's for the best. Really? Our society is so backwards. Nothing but SHAME to young girls regarding sex. Absolutely no birth control! Nope! That's not ok! That's SHAMEFUL. But then they get pregnant and everyone's up in arms. And then, God forbid, they keep and try to raise the child. (Because their feelings regarding that choice actually, you know, matter.) More shame and no one wants to help the girl. Just give her her scarlett letter and cast her and her child off as worthless human beings not deserving of any kind of help or support. Trust me. TRUST ME. No one is praising teen Moms for getting pregnant. And most of them never meant to be pregnant in the first place. But life happens and sometimes it's nice to have a little help dealing with the hard stuff.

How heartbreaking for you, all of it.

I don't think baby showers help glorify teen pregnancy, but hopefully they'll show a teen mother that her (and her baby) are loved and that she has people around her, without those things she'll go into a flat spin.

Most teens will realise it's not ideal, Lord knows they've likely already been told a hundred times, and in coming years they'll be reminded constantly.
Their friends will hopefully see it's not fun and games also.

Teen mums don't need to be punished by not having a baby shower, they'll cop enough in years to come, let her have one day while pregnant to remember in the future that she can look back on and smile.

 

[MSSANDRA]

By the time there is a baby shower, this little person is well on his way here. While I agree with most people that teen pregnancy is not a good thing, the reality is a baby IS going to be born and both the mom (or mom and dad) and baby are going to need the support of a lot of people. As a pro-lifer, i am glad to see the mom choose to bring the pregnancy to a live birth and while I am a huge supporter of adoption, reality is only a small percentage of girls choose this option. I have attended many showers for mom's that are bringing children into this world in less than ideal situations. I also choose a practical gift or sometimes give a gift card to somewhere like wal-mart or target with a note to buy diapers or formula.And yes I do think these young mom's should nurse these babies but the reality is most will not so I choose to be realistic and give what support is most helpful to the baby.

I do get the glamorization of baby showers. We had a young teen at our church get pregnant a couple years ago and the shower was a huge, elaborate party and all her same age church friends did oooh and ahhhh over the dozens of cute outfits. Reality is however, non of them got pregnant and they are all off at collage.

 

[mom2rtk]

I don't think many adults are praising teen parenthood & would imagine plenty of parents of friends are either using the pregnancy as a cautionary tale or trying to forbid their kid from hanging out with the pregnant friend. I can see where a lot of teens might get their heads turned watching the excitement, the attention, view their friend as moving into a more adult status, etc.

It definitely served as a cautionary tale when my DS's friend got his girlfriend pregnant. His friend has been derailed from the college track and is not free to run do things with his friends as he otherwise would have been.

The biggest problem for us is that I'm afraid it has put DS off dating for at least another decade.

 

[drinkme]

I think it is a fine line honestly. Any baby should be celebrated, but I understand what you are saying. My Godchild has had two babies young. At her baby shower and at the first birthday party it was glamorized in my opinion. Her girlfriends, who weren't married, kept saying how cute she was, how excited they were, and how they too wanted to get pregnant as soon as they could to experience what she was experiencing. My young daughter was standing there listening to this and you can be sure that we had a very long conversation in the car on the way home and then again once we were home where my husband was also included. The end result is my girlfriend, the grandmother, has been supporting this young mother and her children. It's like my girlfriend has two more kids at an advanced maternal age. All the while my godchild is boosting how she "does this all on her own and how she is a wonderful mother" all over social media and every time you see her in person. She is immature and has a lot of growing up to do. In the meantime there are two innocent children that are caught up in the mix. The saddest part is my godchild truly believes herself and that she is doing this all on her own. She is not. She is selfish and makes rash decisions. Is she a terrible mother? No. Is she a wonderful mother? No. She is the best parent she knows how to be but is much too young to take on the role. She doesn't want to sacrifice her hair or nails to provide, and expects others to support her financially. She is entitled and my girlfriend now struggles financially. Yes it is easy for anyone to tell her to cut her daughter off monetarily, but who would really be able to do that? Now my girlfriend, who has a full time job, now has a part time job of watching her grandkids on the weekends while her daughter works. My girlfriend, in her 50's, has no break. I feel terrible for her and angry at her daughter. I keep my mouth shut most of the time, but I think it is an awful situation. I see her first hand and trust me, it isn't ideal and is a daily struggle for all involved.

I know a mom in her 40s who is like this. Not all teen moms are irresponsible like that.

And to the poster who made the comments about girlfriends oohhh & aaahhhh on Facebook over baby pictures posted, I have to say so what? Only married adult moms (who didn't get pg or have sex before marriage) get to post their baby pics? I think most teen girls aren't looking at the pics of adorable babies and planning on a way to get pg. There may be some teens who plan a pg but I would guess the majority of teens who get pg don't plan it. However, I know a few women in their 30s who planned on getting pg without being married, or had the financial means to support that child. Where are their scarlet letters?

 

[KatheeME]

I agree to some extent. A 16 year old across the street just had a baby. I declined going to the shower, but did send a gift. I was not going to condone the pregnancy, but as my daughter works for this family, it's a tricky situation in a small town. KWIM? I know a shower is for the baby, but in this situation, the girl's mother insisted on her daughter having and keeping this baby, and I don't like how she thinks she is the mother herself. I know it's none of my business, but I also know that I don't have to condone it. Flame away!

 

[KatheeME]

Depending on the circumstances, I might decide to send a gift but not attend the shower.

Thanks, my thoughts exactly!

 

[KatheeME]

I would send diapers and formula or other needed items but I would not attend a shower for a 15 year old. Even though showers are to provide needed items to an expectant mother they are also a party to celebrate an upcoming birth. IMO there is nothing to celebrate about a 15 year old having a baby.

I agree with you.

 

[KatheeME]

Just to be clear for me not attending a 15 year old's baby shower has nothing to do with the fact that they had pre-marital sex and aren't married. Its about seeing nothing positive about a 15 year old becoming a mother, and I just couldn't sit there with a smile on my face oohing and aaahing at the cute little onsies while eating cake and playing games. YMMV.
I don't feel that showers should not be thrown for these girls, if their family or host is okay with it then they should do whatever they want. I just wouldn't attend it.

Well said, and pefectly put.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I am going to be brutally honest here, and just state how I feel about the situation.
Flame suit is on!

It isn't just the fact that there was a shower for the teen mom...
But, I, like a few others, just have a VERY hard time seeing a 15 year old pregnancy, a 'baby having a baby', as being a really happy and positive thing...

No, don't get me wrong... I am not for the old days, where the girl disappeared for a long visit with a distant relative, or abortion, etc... But, I just can't see this as something to have a party about, and post those photos.

It isn't the shower... It isn't the fact that poeple are supporting a young expectant mother. It is, in fact, the facebook pictures, the 'Hey, look at this, how wonderful!!!!! We had a big party!!!!" kind of thing. IMHO, yes, there are many, many, many, immature teens at this age, and this does, in fact, 'glorify' it.

Yes, I would participate in a shower if my son were to have a girlfriend who became pregnant. But, would I be posting pictures of this like it is some kind of big, happy, party.... No... I don't think I would.

In that one aspect, I do kind of agree with the OP.

There is a difference between supporting the young teen parents, and 'glorifying'. I do feel that there are many, many, teens who are immature and do glorify, dream about, and even desire a teen pregnancy for all the WRONG reasons. I think that research probably shows this.

 

[KatheeME]

If so many people weren't giving showers and telling her it will be fine then maybe a lot more of these children that get pregnant would do the best thing for themselves and the baby and realize they are ill equipped to raise a child at 15 and put the child up for adoption.

Or terminate the pregnancy.

 

[KatheeME]

I had my oldest child when I was in high school. I did have a shower that many of my classmates attended, but I can assure you there was no glamorizing of anything. They came and brought practical gifts because they were trying to be supportive, not because they thought it was "fun" and it certainly didn't inspire anyone else to jump on the bandwagon.

Perhaps it was just my group of peers (all AP/honors/top of our class/Ivy-League-bound), but if anything it made them think seriously about how difficult it was and the challenges I faced. Most cried when they found out.

This same thread has come up multiple times and there are always the ideas that these girls need to be shamed and their children should never be celebrated. It seems as though many think teens having babies today receive nothing but warm and positive responses, but I am certain that is not true. My experience included being threatened, physically shunned, ostracized, insulted, attempts to expel me from school for being an "embarrassment", and my family was verbally attacked by "friends" and neighbors on a regular basis. I think two hours at a party receiving hugs and a few essentials for my baby was not unreasonable.

Horrible things happened to you, and I am sorry. But the vast majority are either raised, at least financially, by grandparents and the mother's receive assistance including free health care for the baby and themselves, and that is nolt okay.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Or terminate the pregnancy.

Please.... no need to even go there. And, I think this would be a religious, or political topic, which are kind of off limits.

This thread is about a big party/shower.

 

[KatheeME]

Actually it is more of a "we can do this, this baby can get past this, and we will help you make the best of a tough situation" just because peoe put on a happy face doesn't mean they don't realize any of the rest of it.

You'd probably go to the cancer patients bed and tell then they are going to die anyway they might as well not wear a wig, not smile, not post a happy picture on fb or Instagram because people would just glamorize whatever gave th cancer in the first place...

Really? Um cancer is NOTHING like a unplanned pregnancy when the parents are in so condition to assume full responisiliby for the care of a baby. To suggest this is rude.