fizz13
<font color=33cc99>Dreams about being stuck on Spa
- Joined
- May 6, 2004
- Messages
- 5,791
sadly after 2 1/2 years together, me and colin broke up on Saturday night, its taken me till today to be able to write on here and say whats been going on. The only way to describe the pain is that its as if somebody died
I made the decision, I couldnt stay with him knowing that we would never be able to live together and a lot of times it felt like he had freedom to come and go, see me when it suited him, yet with my children obviously its a lot harder for me to pop round. His mum lives with him and she is reliant on him financially, emotionally etc. It was a day by day waiting for a phone call if he was coming over that night. Clearly I need more going on in my life lol.
He nevers wants children of his own, and while tolerant of mine, I dont know if it was ever a totally natural syncing, very hard to explain. I know I have 3 children already, and it should be enough, but there is a nagging in me that wants one more one day. To stay with him means i am cutting off that option altogether.
But OMG at the same time I love him soo much, anyone who remotely knows me for 5 minutes learns this. It was just starting to hurt being with him, knowing that the perfect guy is right there and i can't have the perfect life with him (or my version of what I dream of with him). I can see him as a natural father, he is the only one who gets me, put me back together when needed, so supportive of everything, makes me laugh, my best friend.
There was no fight, no nasty words, just lots of crying on both sides, lots of hugging, he wont ever change his mind on the big issues and he knows it. he just says his mum wont live forever, I dont ever want to wish someone dead! Although he pleaded with me not to go, not to leave him. It has never been so hard to leave a room.
From his position he refuses to let me out of his life, he wont lose me as a friend, he has txt every day to make sure I am ok (and believe me I was scary hysterical over the weekend) he popped round after work yesterday to see the kids, to hang pictures and defrost my freezer (which he said he did have to do as it was on his list before) I told him he didnt need to., he says he will always be there to do those things for me, he loves me.
All of the above sounds so self inflicted and i have no right to ask for sympathy, i felt like i was making the best decision, it wasnt fair of me to put that kind of pressure on him when i know the situation and expect him to compensate for it, I was hurting wishing for things I couldnt have and how will I ever know if someone is out there wanting the things i do if i don't give myself a chance to try?
Oh I don't know if I've done the right thing or not, I doubt i will ever find someone who could treat me better or love me more, or frankly that i could ever love that much, and I've got a feeling that I may never want those things with anybody else, but i just didnt know what to do any more.
sorry for venting, i just feel lost, very alone, possibly very stupid and I dont have a clue how to make it stop hurting, or where to go from here
I made the decision, I couldnt stay with him knowing that we would never be able to live together and a lot of times it felt like he had freedom to come and go, see me when it suited him, yet with my children obviously its a lot harder for me to pop round. His mum lives with him and she is reliant on him financially, emotionally etc. It was a day by day waiting for a phone call if he was coming over that night. Clearly I need more going on in my life lol.
He nevers wants children of his own, and while tolerant of mine, I dont know if it was ever a totally natural syncing, very hard to explain. I know I have 3 children already, and it should be enough, but there is a nagging in me that wants one more one day. To stay with him means i am cutting off that option altogether.
But OMG at the same time I love him soo much, anyone who remotely knows me for 5 minutes learns this. It was just starting to hurt being with him, knowing that the perfect guy is right there and i can't have the perfect life with him (or my version of what I dream of with him). I can see him as a natural father, he is the only one who gets me, put me back together when needed, so supportive of everything, makes me laugh, my best friend.
There was no fight, no nasty words, just lots of crying on both sides, lots of hugging, he wont ever change his mind on the big issues and he knows it. he just says his mum wont live forever, I dont ever want to wish someone dead! Although he pleaded with me not to go, not to leave him. It has never been so hard to leave a room.
From his position he refuses to let me out of his life, he wont lose me as a friend, he has txt every day to make sure I am ok (and believe me I was scary hysterical over the weekend) he popped round after work yesterday to see the kids, to hang pictures and defrost my freezer (which he said he did have to do as it was on his list before) I told him he didnt need to., he says he will always be there to do those things for me, he loves me.
All of the above sounds so self inflicted and i have no right to ask for sympathy, i felt like i was making the best decision, it wasnt fair of me to put that kind of pressure on him when i know the situation and expect him to compensate for it, I was hurting wishing for things I couldnt have and how will I ever know if someone is out there wanting the things i do if i don't give myself a chance to try?
Oh I don't know if I've done the right thing or not, I doubt i will ever find someone who could treat me better or love me more, or frankly that i could ever love that much, and I've got a feeling that I may never want those things with anybody else, but i just didnt know what to do any more.
sorry for venting, i just feel lost, very alone, possibly very stupid and I dont have a clue how to make it stop hurting, or where to go from here
