SIL Strikes Again.... VENT!

[Magic Mom]

Honestly, if one of my child's aunts cleaned out an ear, cut toenails, wiped buggers, combed his or her hair, more power to them. I'm am so bad about the nails - I just forget! And you are a brave soul if you decide to clean out ds's ears - gross! Of course, I love my IL's, and would never suspect an agenda - I'd just say thank you.

What a novel concept!

 

[twinglesmome]

Honestly, if one of my child's aunts cleaned out an ear, cut toenails, wiped buggers, combed his or her hair, more power to them. I'm am so bad about the nails - I just forget! And you are a brave soul if you decide to clean out ds's ears - gross! Of course, I love my IL's, and would never suspect an agenda - I'd just say thank you.

I guess I just don't see it that way from the information that has been given. It seems the DH and kids were at the ILs for dinner--not an extended stay where hygenic care needs would occur, except for maybe toileting or nose wiping

 

[tlbwriter]

I guess I just don't see it that way from the information that has been given. It seems the DH and kids were at the ILs for dinner--not an extended stay where hygenic care needs would occur, except for maybe toileting or nose wiping

Yeah, nose wiping doesn't say "you're unclean" the way cleaning someone's ears does. At least not IMHO.

 

[bumbershoot]

More with the, why does she continue to undermine my parenting!?

Why do you keep leaving your kids with them, without you there?

I send DH and DS to MIL's, but DH knows that if MIL starts doing ANYTHING other than act like a kind and loving and hubby grandma, he is to make any excuse and get DS out of there. This includes even snippy comments; I will not have DS emotionally damaged by her like DH was. This includes snippy comments *at DH* as well.

These alone visits only started after DS could speak up about anything weird she might be doing; before then I was right there. And she very well knows that we are raising him FAR from how she raised her own kids (which isn't as harsh as it sounds...we are raising him more like how she would have raised her kids without the nasty influence of her husband...and once she realized that she became more understanding of it), and won't accept anything similar to what she does with her granddaughters (and what her daughter allows).

If she did even ONE thing weird with him, he wouldn't be going there without me.

So stop sending your kids there with a man who is still scared of his relatives.

 

[smkiya]

Thank you all for your replies!

I have had the opportunity to sleep on it, and while I am still very angry I am not tearful as I was last night. I totally understand all of your points of view, and I feel the need to share a bit of background.

I empower dh to make decisions that involve the kids. Really, he should be doing more and I want him to. They are his kids too and he is a great father!

I have over the last few years been distancing myself from my in-laws. They are as I've said the Marie Barone variety. They come into my house with a white glove, criticize how I care for my pets, make fun of my decorating style, don't agree with the way I choose to live my life (I don't know why you waste money on vacations, why would you buy that?!). I sucked it up and dealt with it. When my dd6 was born I was hesitant to even have them in the room with me because I didn't want comments like (oh honey you look terrible, or you have to feed the baby this way). The made comments about when I should put dd down to bed, when I should stop breastfeeding, on and on. At that point I said that's it!!! I had to limit my interactions with them.
ETA- When I used to socialize with them, all they did was gossip about other people. Can you believe so and so did this or that. I know that is what they do about me.

A year and a half ago sister in law took dd to hair salon to chemically treat dd's hair. She gave her a salon appt for her birthday and I thought she was going to have her "done up". When the hairdresser mentioned about not being able to do the chemical treatment because dd was too young, I said "What!! I wouldn't let you do it anyway". DD's cousin said, "your hair won't be poofy anymore".

When dh comes home with them for visiting he says "why'd you let her wear that, or why didn't you style her hair a different way". This is because they commented. We're getting a new dog and I'm curious to know what they are gossiping about regarding that.

So back to the post. Her cleaning my ds's ears has nothing to do with her concern as a mother. His ears were not dripping wax. It was her way to throw a stab at me and my parenting. Just like she commented on their clothes, and whatever else I don't know about.

I am VERY angry with dh!!!! I talked to him last night, and will talk to him again today. But dsil's behavior was very passive aggressive and I am angry with her for that. Under different circumstances (if dsil was sincere and a nice person) I wouldn't have made a big deal about it. I probably would still ask that it not be done again, but I would know that it was done with a sincere heart.

SIL was not sincere in her actions and that I cannot tolerate! Do not use my children to conduct your passive aggressive behavior!!!!

 

[Mkrop]

Thank you all for your replies!

I have had the opportunity to sleep on it, and while I am still very angry I am not tearful as I was last night. I totally understand all of your points of view, and I feel the need to share a bit of background.

I empower dh to make decisions that involve the kids. Really, he should be doing more and I want him to. They are his kids too and he is a great father!

I have over the last few years been distancing myself from my in-laws. They are as I've said the Marie Barone variety. They come into my house with a white glove, criticize how I care for my pets, make fun of my decorating style, don't agree with the way I choose to live my life (I don't know why you waste money on vacations, why would you buy that?!). I sucked it up and dealt with it. When my dd6 was born I was hesitant to even have them in the room with me because I didn't want comments like (oh honey you look terrible, or you have to feed the baby this way). The made comments about when I should put dd down to bed, when I should stop breastfeeding, on and on. At that point I said that's it!!! I had to limit my interactions with them.
ETA- When I used to socialize with them, all they did was gossip about other people. Can you believe so and so did this or that. I know that is what they do about me.

A year and a half ago sister in law took dd to hair salon to chemically treat dd's hair. She gave her a salon appt for her birthday and I thought she was going to have her "done up". When the hairdresser mentioned about not being able to do the chemical treatment because dd was too young, I said "What!! I wouldn't let you do it anyway". DD's cousin said, "your hair won't be poofy anymore".

When dh comes home with them for visiting he says "why'd you let her wear that, or why didn't you style her hair a different way". This is because they commented. We're getting a new dog and I'm curious to know what they are gossiping about regarding that.

So back to the post. Her cleaning my ds's ears has nothing to do with her concern as a mother. His ears were not dripping wax. It was her way to throw a stab at me and my parenting. Just like she commented on their clothes, and whatever else I don't know about.

I am VERY angry with dh!!!! I talked to him last night, and will talk to him again today. But dsil's behavior was very passive aggressive and I am angry with her for that. Under different circumstances (if dsil was sincere and a nice person) I wouldn't have made a big deal about it. I probably would still ask that it not be done again, but I would know that it was done with a sincere heart.

SIL was not sincere in her actions and that I cannot tolerate! Do not use my children to conduct your passive aggressive behavior!!!!

If my DH ever came home and criticized what my kids were wearing or their hairstyle, I would take him by the hand and show him where the clothes were and were the hairbrush was and say have at it. I would not be doing a blessed thing for the kids before they went to visit his family then. He is a grown man, he can dress them so they macth and weather appropriately. He can also learn to brush hair, or he can shut the heck up!

Also you do know the Marie Barone character loved her son, DIL and grandkids, and would move heaven and earth for them.

I continue to say the problem is your DH!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

What you have described sounds a whole lot my my inlaws.... (my MIL)

I completely and TOTALLY understand!!!
I know EXACTLY how you must feel.
So, know that this is coming from somebody who is not out to judge or question you about how you feel about the situation!!!!

I do have to say, that this is what scares me the most....

When dh comes home with them for visiting he says "why'd you let her wear that, or why didn't you style her hair a different way". ....

Your husband actually comes home and repeats his relatives questions and snipes to you.
This is just wrong, and is really amost scary.

I am just being point blank, and trying to tell you what you need to hear, no matter how painful it might be. The truth does sometimes hurt... But, there does seem to be issues with your husband.

As I have said before, I have BTDT with a husband who is too close to, and too scared of/controlled by his parents.

And PS:
NO!!!!! cleaning out a kids ears when one is there for a short visit/meal is NOT, NOT, NOT appropriate... This is not offering a tissue for a runny nose, or being helpful.... OP, do not let anyone here tell you that it is okay for anyone else to physically cross the line with your children's body..... You are right to be concerned and to take all of this very seriously.

You really need to address this with your husband.
I know that I could never, ever, get my husband into any kind of counseling. But, it sounds like this has been an ongoing problem, and your husband continues to respect them, while disrespecting you.

 

[smkiya]

A little more background...

I am very low maintenance. I don't wax my eyebrows or get my nails done professionally. I don't wear glitzy glam make-up and shiny sparkly jewelry. DSIL does. Because I don't do these things I'm somehow unkempt. Her two daughters have been getting fake nails since they were 8, wearing make up and high heels at 9, and high heels about that age too. They are into loud clothes (leopard and zebra print). Our priorities differ. She thinks her priorities are superior to mine. As I've said, ds's ears were not dripping wax. Their clothes were appropriate. It just wasn't to her standards. She was trying to "best" me.

To be honest I don't think dh really gets how negative their behavior is. He grew up with it, so it's "normal". It is not normal. He is afraid to speak up because he knows she and his mom will gang up on him and he is afraid of confrontation with them. The men in that family are normal, but they have passed on. DH's brother and father were wonderful good hearted people. His mom and sister....

 

[Kellydelly]

I am VERY angry with dh!!!! I talked to him last night, and will talk to him again today. But dsil's behavior was very passive aggressive and I am angry with her for that. Under different circumstances (if dsil was sincere and a nice person) I wouldn't have made a big deal about it. I probably would still ask that it not be done again, but I would know that it was done with a sincere heart.

SIL was not sincere in her actions and that I cannot tolerate! Do not use my children to conduct your passive aggressive behavior!!!!

Sounds like your husband may have reason to be more afraid of you than his sister or mom . I really don't think she was cleaning your kids' ears for sport, that would be weird. She must have noticed wax in them and went after it, in her own strange peroxide way. If you were not present, how do you know how sincere the ear cleaning was ? It sounds like you are just mad that she got to the ear wax before she did.

 

[LuvLDM]

A little more background...

I am very low maintenance. I don't wax my eyebrows or get my nails done professionally. I don't wear glitzy glam make-up and shiny sparkly jewelry. DSIL does. Because I don't do these things I'm somehow unkempt. Her two daughters have been getting fake nails since they were 8, wearing make up and high heels at 9, and high heels about that age too. They are into loud clothes (leopard and zebra print). Our priorities differ. She thinks her priorities are superior to mine. As I've said, ds's ears were not dripping wax. Their clothes were appropriate. It just wasn't to her standards. She was trying to "best" me.

To be honest I don't think dh really gets how negative their behavior is. He grew up with it, so it's "normal". It is not normal. He is afraid to speak up because he knows she and his mom will gang up on him and he is afraid of confrontation with them. The men in that family are normal, but they have passed on. DH's brother and father were wonderful good hearted people. His mom and sister....

It's actually not *normal* for a grown man to be afraid of his mother & sister.

 

[smkiya]

OP,

What you have described sounds a whole lot my my inlaws.... (my MIL)

I completely and TOTALLY understand!!!
I know EXACTLY how you must feel.
So, know that this is coming from somebody who is not out to judge or question you about how you feel about the situation!!!!

I do have to say, that this is what scares me the most....

Your husband actually comes home and repeats his relatives questions and snipes to you.
This is just wrong, and is really amost scary.

I am just being point blank, and trying to tell you what you need to hear, no matter how painful it might be. The truth does sometimes hurt... But, there does seem to be issues with your husband.

As I have said before, I have BTDT with a husband who is too close to, and too scared of/controlled by his parents.

And PS:
NO!!!!! cleaning out a kids ears when one is there for a short visit/meal is NOT, NOT, NOT appropriate... This is not offering a tissue for a runny nose, or being helpful.... OP, do not let anyone here tell you that it is okay for anyone else to physically cross the line with your children's body..... You are right to be concerned and to take all of this very seriously.

You really need to address this with your husband.
I know that I could never, ever, get my husband into any kind of counseling. But, it sounds like this has been an ongoing problem, and your husband continues to respect them, while disrespecting you.

Yes. You are right. I've been talking to him about this for years now and obviously nothing has changed. I think I will look into getting counseling. If I told him to go, he would. There are other issues that I need to address there as well. Maybe it will make a difference.

Thanks again everyone for your responses. I know this is a personal subject, but sometimes you just need objective opinions that friends just don't always give. Also, it's like journaling. I feel better when I write out my feelings. Thanks for allowing me to do that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Again, I've BTDT....

There is NOTHING 'normal' about this family's behaviors...
Not the way they have treated you.
Not the way that they have treated your kids.
And definitely not the way they are expecting elementary aged girls to be little 'adults'... (don't wanna even go into the sexual connotations of little girls with heels and artificial nails!!!!!)

You have a real problem here.
And, it is with your husband....
He may have been raised by this kind of woman....
But that does NOT excuse inappropriate behaviors.
Not ever....

He is CHOOSING to follow this....

He is choosing to respect this while you and your children are disrespected.

It took my DH many years to begin to see the truth, and he has come a long way... But even today, those influences, and that 'desire to please' WHICH WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN, are still there somewhere inside.

Anyhow, I can tell you that venting about your SIL is not going to improve your situation... Working thru this kind of thing is something that takes real soul-searching, effort, and months and years of time.

What does your husband think when you tell him that you are not comfortable with this... when you become 'angry'...

Does he hem and haw and justify the inapproprate behaviors?
That would be the classic response.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

A little more background...

I am very low maintenance. I don't wax my eyebrows or get my nails done professionally. I don't wear glitzy glam make-up and shiny sparkly jewelry. DSIL does. Because I don't do these things I'm somehow unkempt. Her two daughters have been getting fake nails since they were 8, wearing make up and high heels at 9, and high heels about that age too. They are into loud clothes (leopard and zebra print). Our priorities differ. She thinks her priorities are superior to mine. As I've said, ds's ears were not dripping wax. Their clothes were appropriate. It just wasn't to her standards. She was trying to "best" me.

To be honest I don't think dh really gets how negative their behavior is. He grew up with it, so it's "normal". It is not normal. He is afraid to speak up because he knows she and his mom will gang up on him and he is afraid of confrontation with them. The men in that family are normal, but they have passed on. DH's brother and father were wonderful good hearted people. His mom and sister....

I mean this in the nicest possible way (trust me, I have some in-laws I struggle to be around, too), but it seems as if the 'judging' is going both ways. You seem a bit defensive, and I can't help but wonder if you read too much into a lot of their comments because of it. I know how easy it can be to take offence when you are analyzing every offhand comment made.

The fact of the matter is, we don't always get along with our families. Sometimes we can love them without really liking them very much, and sometimes we really don't have a lot in common. I recommend trying your best to let some of these comments roll off your back, avoid sending DD and DS over there without you, and talk to DH about standing up for you and your values/abilities/feelings, etc. Good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh, I see that you responded to my post as I was typing out the post above!!!!

Just know that there are those who understand!

 

[GinnyEmma]

eh, maybe the kid was picking at their ears. Everyone is always looking for enemies and the bad guy.

 

[sparks19]

I totally understand. This is not my sister in law but my actual Sister. She is not a nice person. I hesitate to let my daughter around her... thankfully we live really far away so it's pretty easy for the most part. she is just a venomous person. If my sister did something like that it would not be a sign of caring or done sincerely out of concern... it would be so she could tell everyone how filthy my daughters ears are and how SHE had to clean them when DD came over because I don't.

There jsut ARE people like this unfortunately. I have some really horror stories about things she's done and said about myself and our brothers that have been really hurtful and caused a lot of damage.

So I know just exactly how you feel. You know what she is like... that's how you know it was not done sincerely or out of real concern for clean ears. Just like I wouldnt' have to be there to know if my sister did that. unless they had a sudden personality transplant... they don't do those things out of the kindness of their hearts. They do it because it makes them look like the hero and you look like an incompetant mother.

Good luck. I honestly don't have much in the way of advice. you've cut her out of your life as much as you can. That's really all you can do. But definitely try to get through to DH about how inappropriate this is.

 

[Scurvy]

I really don't think she was cleaning your kids' ears for sport, that would be weird. She must have noticed wax in them and went after it, in her own strange peroxide way. If you were not present, how do you know how sincere the ear cleaning was ?

That's what I was thinking. Painting the child's nails, cutting her hair, shaving her legs, putting makeup on her, giving her "better" clothes, and things like that could definitely be intended as passive aggressive statements. Cleaning ears? To me, that just seems like someone correcting a problem, not making a statement. I see it as being comparable to someone clipping a child's broken nail or re-braiding hair that's falling down. It's just such a random, bizarre thing to do unless there's a reason for it, that it doesn't seem logical to me that someone would choose to do that as their big statement. Sure, it's possible that the sister-in-law is crazy enough to do that just for fun, but it seems much more likely that she noticed a problem - either because she could actually see the wax or because the child was complaining about or messing with her ears - and so she decided to fix it. Since the child's father was fine with that I don't think she should be expected to know that she should just leave the problem for the child's mother to deal with.

 

[smkiya]

I mean this in the nicest possible way (trust me, I have some in-laws I struggle to be around, too), but it seems as if the 'judging' is going both ways. You seem a bit defensive, and I can't help but wonder if you read too much into a lot of their comments because of it. I know how easy it can be to take offence when you are analyzing every offhand comment made.

The fact of the matter is, we don't always get along with our families. Sometimes we can love them without really liking them very much, and sometimes we really don't have a lot in common. I recommend trying your best to let some of these comments roll off your back, avoid sending DD and DS over there without you, and talk to DH about standing up for you and your values/abilities/feelings, etc. Good luck.

Not at all. I was drawing a comparison for clarification. As a way to explain why she might act in the way that she does to me. To explain why she may believe that I am not doing a good job raising my children. I have made no assumptions about whether our differences may be the reason behind her behavior. Her words and actions tell me this is so. When she says things like, "Oh, you don't get your eyebrows waxed (her eyes roll)? It shows people that you care about how you look (smile)." Or, "Did you get dd's outfit on clearance?" "She needs more color, she always looks so bland." Or how she takes dd to the nail salon when she sleeps over... not for fake nails, but still, I had a rule that dd6 was not to get her nails polished and they convinced dd that she should. I let that go. But again, it is not my business how she chooses to dress herself or her kids but she makes it her business to do so about me and mine. That's why I had to highlight the difference, I was not making a judgment about her choices.

 

[smkiya]

If my sister did something like that it would not be a sign of caring or done sincerely out of concern... it would be so she could tell everyone how filthy my daughters ears are and how SHE had to clean them when DD came over because I don't.

That's Exactly It!!!!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Cleaning ears is an invasive action on one's body!!!!

Nobody should ever clean anyone else's ears... Especially someone else's child....

I can also tell you that a little peroxide is not going to immediately dissolve, clean, and wash away sticky ear wax.... I would very concerned that this person actually used Q-tips or something else in the child's ears.

As a nurse, the OP probably knows that most any doctor would warn about putting anything in one's ears....
The old saying, "Don't put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear...."

There is NOTHING okay about assuming that one could do this to somebody else's child... NOTHING.