Should I not be upset?

[Scurvy]

I have a feeling that the DH has learned through experience that that is not the case. Otherwise he would have told her.

That's what I love about the Dis. You just never can tell where a thread is going to go. We start out with the husband being an evil cheater and end up with him being a pathetic, browbeaten, spineless wimp who is too afraid of his domineering shrew of a wife to say "No" to her plans. I guess he's not afraid of how she's going to react after the fact, just how horrible she'll be if he tries to communicate with her beforehand?

 

[hambirg]

I took that you saying that you don't blame him to mean that you were saying that it was okay.

He's a grown man. If he doesn't feel that he can tell the truth, then they have issues that they need to work on. The fact that he's lying means that they have an additional problem to work on.

Putting someone in a situation where they feel it is necessary to lie to avoid conflict is one issue, which would be the wife's fault (if in fact she is the nag that some assume her to be). She would be to blame for this.

Actually making the choice to lie to avoid conflict would be the husband's fault (assuming he did, in fact, lie). He would be to blame for this.

When I said I don't blame him, I meant that I understand him. It's not any different than the wife that wants a Coach bag, or a dress, or shoes and finds it on clearance so she buys it because it was a great deal, but feels she has to hide it from her DH because he's going to piss and moan about it no matter what, regardless whether it was reasonable.

So yeah, I agree that they have bigger problems than just this.

 

[JVelasquez]

I just want to say that I am not a 'nagging wife'. My DH goes to his friends house every Sunday I know this because he and my DS both tell me this. He also goes to the gym with them at 5am in the morning (sometimes they will go in the evening) around 5 days a week. He also goes out with his friends at other times to play pool, have a drink, go to the casino etc. The only thing I told him is that on Sunday's I would wish he spent some 1 on 1 time with DS. Other than that I don't bother him where his friends are concerned. So I don't feel like asking for one full day together is too much at all! I work retail and I very well may not have another Sunday off till after the holidays!!!

I was very clear to him when I told him that I wanted to spend the whole day together, not just the afternoon. We had no set plans except to get that chair which took a matter of minutes. I also specifically said whatever we decided to do I didn't want to make plans with his friends. I am just tired of feeling that I am an inconvenience to him... For example at night if I want to watch tv in the bedroom he complains bc I am interfering with his time to play xbox with the guys!

Maybe he should just move in with his BFF... I'm sure we would all be happier!

 

[disykat]

When I said I don't blame him, I meant that I understand him. It's not any different than the wife that wants a Coach bag, or a dress, or shoes and finds it on clearance so she buys it because it was a great deal, but feels she has to hide it from her DH because he's going to piss and moan about it no matter what, regardless whether it was reasonable.So yeah, I agree that they have bigger problems that just this.

Okay, I'm starting to get it. You think this is okay. I think that's horrible. Yep, I guess it's no different. The difference is whether you think that's okay.

 

[punkin]

When I said I don't blame him, I meant that I understand him. It's not any different than the wife that wants a Coach bag, or a dress, or shoes and finds it on clearance so she buys it because it was a great deal, but feels she has to hide it from her DH because he's going to piss and moan about it no matter what, regardless whether it was reasonable.

So yeah, I agree that they have bigger problems that just this.

Adult partners in a marriage don't do this either. The kind of acting out you imagine for this guy is every bit as bad and excuses nothing.

 

[Scurvy]

So I don't feel like asking for one full day together is too much at all!

For what it's worth, I don't think that sounds like too much at all. Maybe at some point when you aren't upset you should try to sit down and talk to him about how you feel. Maybe he doesn't realize he's making you feel like an inconvenience, or that he's making you think he prefers his friends to you. Some people (both men and women) can just be clueless about things like that.

 

[YodaGirl]

I just want to say that I am not a 'nagging wife'. My DH goes to his friends house every Sunday I know this because he and my DS both tell me this. He also goes to the gym with them at 5am in the morning (sometimes they will go in the evening) around 5 days a week. He also goes out with his friends at other times to play pool, have a drink, go to the casino etc. The only thing I told him is that on Sunday's I would wish he spent some 1 on 1 time with DS. Other than that I don't bother him where his friends are concerned. So I don't feel like asking for one full day together is too much at all! I work retail and I very well may not have another Sunday off till after the holidays!!!

I was very clear to him when I told him that I wanted to spend the whole day together, not just the afternoon. We had no set plans except to get that chair which took a matter of minutes. I also specifically said whatever we decided to do I didn't want to make plans with his friends. I am just tired of feeling that I am an inconvenience to him... For example at night if I want to watch tv in the bedroom he complains bc I am interfering with his time to play xbox with the guys!

Maybe he should just move in with his BFF... I'm sure we would all be happier!

Honestly, I didn't think that you were.

For whatever reason he did what he did, I would be mad/upset if he were my husband.

It's definitely a situation that I would discuss with him (preferably when I was calm).

 

[YodaGirl]

Adult partners in a marriage don't do this either. The kind of acting out you imagine for this guy is every bit as bad and excuses nothing.

 

[LittlePinkDot]

It's not any different than the wife that wants a Coach bag, or a dress, or shoes and finds it on clearance so she buys it because it was a great deal, but feels she has to hide it from her DH ...

I couldn't imagine hiding anything from my husband. Not a fan of being a sneaky liar

Are there people that actually hide purchases from their husband? I am sure. Are they in a strong marriage? Not in my opinion.

 

[okeydokey]

I just want to say that I am not a 'nagging wife'. My DH goes to his friends house every Sunday I know this because he and my DS both tell me this. He also goes to the gym with them at 5am in the morning (sometimes they will go in the evening) around 5 days a week. He also goes out with his friends at other times to play pool, have a drink, go to the casino etc. The only thing I told him is that on Sunday's I would wish he spent some 1 on 1 time with DS. Other than that I don't bother him where his friends are concerned. So I don't feel like asking for one full day together is too much at all! I work retail and I very well may not have another Sunday off till after the holidays!!!

I was very clear to him when I told him that I wanted to spend the whole day together, not just the afternoon. We had no set plans except to get that chair which took a matter of minutes. I also specifically said whatever we decided to do I didn't want to make plans with his friends. I am just tired of feeling that I am an inconvenience to him... For example at night if I want to watch tv in the bedroom he complains bc I am interfering with his time to play xbox with the guys!

Maybe he should just move in with his BFF... I'm sure we would all be happier!

I'm so sorry. You are your son are way down the priority list under his friends and his own interests. Was he always this way? Would he see a counselor with you? It might help.

 

[okeydokey]

I couldn't imagine hiding anything from my husband. Not a fan of being a sneaky liar

Are there people that actually hide purchases from their husband? I am sure. Are they in a strong marriage? Not in my opinion.

I'm sure their marriages aren't anywhere near as perfect as yours.

 

[phorsenuf]

Maybe the husband is having an affair with his BFF. Has anyone considered that one yet.


(joke people, it's a joke)

 

[LittlePinkDot]

I'm sure their marriages aren't anywhere near as perfect as yours.

Not perfect

We just don't lie. Or sneak around. Sorry I hit a nerve.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

This may sound harsh, but......What is he? In kindergarten? He had to go with his friend when his friend got an oil change? And men laugh when women go to the ladies room together...... From the time I was 16 and got a car, I have been able to go into the big, bad world and get my car's oil changed by myself, without the aid and comfort of a buddy. I have never heard a MAN use this pathetic excuse.

As for having to go get haircuts together.....I can barely even type that. Did they want matchies? They waited 90 minutes? A woman with long, flowing locks would be hard-pressed to wait that long. And your DH (at this point, it does NOT mean dear) didn't even manage to get that stinking haircut in 3.5 hours. For crying out loud, he could have let goats gnaw on his head and gotten a haircut in under 3.5 hours!

As some have pointed out, this isn't about a haircut or oil change. This is about guy who seems to place NO value on spending a rare family day with his wife and child. Although he gets to spend a lot of time with his friend (more than with his wife, it seems), he just CANNOT get enough of being with his buddy and will ditch his wife in a heartbeat if the friend needs to do something vital like gas up his truck or change the line in the weedeater. He puts the OP in the position of either allowing him to completely get away with this (thereby sending the message to the OP and his child that a day with his son and wife is nothing compared to a day with his friend) OR antagonizing her enough to make her call and pester him about coming home. Then HE can play the victim.

This would NOT fly in my house. No way, no how.

I agree with you 100%. I used to be married to a guy that always said friends come first. actually it was "my friends were here first and they will be first". It is a horrible way to live. I am now married to a guy that is not perfect but his family does come first. He has messed up, at times, but learned from his mistakes and never repeats it because his family comes first.

 

[hambirg]

Not perfect

We just don't lie. Or sneak around. Sorry I hit a nerve.

But maybe it's because you don't HAVE to.


Maybe you don't have an unreasonable partner.

That's my point!

I have a dear friend that was in a very abusive marriage (she got out, she's fine, no worries) but yeah, she had to lie because the consequences didn't match the offense. . .mostly it couldn't even be considered an offense. I don't think the DH wanting to spend a few hours with his buddy without his son is an unreasonable thing, especially if he's working 6 days a week. If the DW thinks that it's horrible he didn't spend all 24 hours with her without being mad. . .yeah, I think she's being a little unreasonable. Even if she told him that's what she wants, maybe that's not what he wanted. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad husband, just one that knows to avoid a fight.

So OP, if your DH had just said. .. Nope, don't want to spend this morning with you and the son. . .what would have been your reaction?

 

[okeydokey]

Not perfect

We just don't lie. Or sneak around. Sorry I hit a nerve.

Oh you didn't. I am just shaking my head while snickering. It all sounds so very familiar. Lots of superior people here.

 

[hambirg]

I just want to say that I am not a 'nagging wife'. My DH goes to his friends house every Sunday I know this because he and my DS both tell me this. He also goes to the gym with them at 5am in the morning (sometimes they will go in the evening) around 5 days a week. He also goes out with his friends at other times to play pool, have a drink, go to the casino etc. The only thing I told him is that on Sunday's I would wish he spent some 1 on 1 time with DS. Other than that I don't bother him where his friends are concerned. So I don't feel like asking for one full day together is too much at all! I work retail and I very well may not have another Sunday off till after the holidays!!!

I was very clear to him when I told him that I wanted to spend the whole day together, not just the afternoon. We had no set plans except to get that chair which took a matter of minutes. I also specifically said whatever we decided to do I didn't want to make plans with his friends. I am just tired of feeling that I am an inconvenience to him... For example at night if I want to watch tv in the bedroom he complains bc I am interfering with his time to play xbox with the guys!

Maybe he should just move in with his BFF... I'm sure we would all be happier!

That pretty much makes my point.

 

[LittlePinkDot]

Oh you didn't. I am just shaking my head while snickering. It all sounds so very familiar. Lots of superior people here.

If you think not telling lies, not sneaking around, and wanting to spend weekends with the fam makes someone superior, then I don’t know what to tell ya

 

[Imzadi]

He said that when they got to the barbershop their barber was not there yet so they sat down to wait. One of the other barbers that was on told them that he talked to the other guy and he was on his way. None of the other barbers on could do my DH's hair bc they were booked with appointments. My DH said he and his friend waited about 90 minutes and then decided to go get something to eat. That's when I called him... They then went back to the barbershop, the barber had arrived and his friend got a haircut and then he came home. He didn't get a haircut bc I needed him to help me get a rocker and foot stool from Dad's house... I mentioned this to him last Wednesday.

All the OTHER barbers had hair appointments but not this special one they drove all the way to see and waited 90 minutes for???

So this barber is a "drop in, no appointments necessary, if I am around," type barber?

Also, they take 3.5 hours to get the haircut. Obviously spending the day with you & DS wasn't that important. Nor was getting the rocker. But, after waiting ALL that time, suddenly, you, DS and the rocker were more important that he couldn't get his hair cut after all?

OP are you really buying that from your DH? That says a lot about you. Not good.

You two have different ideas about what you wanted to do with your day off. Clearly spending time with buddies is important to your hubby too. My ex was like that. No matter what, he had to make time for his friends. Thats something you have to learn and accept. If Sundays are his only day off, I dont see the big deal here. So he was gone for a few hours. You said he was home around 2pm. That gives you guys the entire evening to spend together. Maybe im different, but I enjoy time alone too. I would do my own thing with my son until he gets home.

He's your EX now. Obviously YOU didn't accept some things about him. Probably this was one of them. Yet the OP is supposed to? How hilarious!

Obviously, you didn't have to learn to accept that since he's your EX.

I agree with you 100%

It also wouldn’t fly in my house, only because it would never happen. I would never choose this type of “man” to marry and father my children.

The immaturity and lack of responsibility is a HUMONGOUS turn off. I wouldn’t look twice at a person like this. And if I had to live with him, I would have a feeling of such disgust every time I looked at him.

Yes, I always wonder when marriages like this go south? Was it after they were married a while? Wash she just a challenge? Did he get bored? Was he pressured by his mom & dad to grow up and get married, so he did? Was it when the kid showed up and proved to be too much responsibility and the spouse had to go play? Or was the DH always into his friends more and the signs were there BEFORE the marriage? In which case, the wife should have realized from the start that she would come second. It's hard to believe his bromates suddenly became more important one day, without prior notice.

I wouldn't accept this situation. I WAS there once. Where my DFi at the time put everything and everyone else ahead of me. There was always one more project or situation that had to come first. But, I realized after a while that _I_ never came first. I thank God every time I think of him now, that I am out of that relationship. No more crying. No more waiting by the phone. No more being lonely while with someone.

 

[Scurvy]

If you think not telling lies, not sneaking around, and wanting to spend weekends with the fam makes someone superior, then I don’t know what to tell ya

I'm pretty sure not telling lies and not sneaking around does make someone superior to somebody who does lie and sneak around. I'd say being honest would make someone "of higher quality" than someone who is dishonest, personally, but maybe that's just me.