The Midway's Diet Buffet
6 Plans guaranteed to help you lose weight*
By Michael Carney
The Midway Low Carb Diet
Admittedly, we were skeptical when the Atkins craze first started, but slowly we came to realize that a well-structured plan to cut back carbohydrates and eat more meat was something that we weren't making money off of yet. So, down with carbohydrates! We're not sure what they are, but leading scientists tell us that they're in bread, not meat. Meat is good for you now, especially the red stuff. It's healthy and helps you lose weight and makes you more attractive to the opposite sex and more likely to win the lottery. Look, I don't care what we said a few years ago about heart disease and mad cow disease and ozone depletion times have changed, ok? You WILL go out and slaughter a cow with your bare hands and devour it raw right now and you will NOT eat that single saltine cracker sitting on your plate, unless, of course, you simply don't CARE if you're a morbidly obese slob.
The Midway High Carb Diet
We figure that the pendulum is eventually going to swing this way again, so to cover our bases, we're going to go ahead and jump on the bandwagon early. With this plan, meat is the center of all evil in the universe. Eat bread, and lots of it.
The Midway High Barb Diet
Nothing but repeated viewings of Yentl and What's new, Pussycat every night. Guaranteed to kill any appetite. Side effects include nausea, dizziness, and a marked, lifetime aversion to the song Evergreen.
The Euro-Diet
In this diet, you are only allowed to eat foods that are packaged for consumption outside the United States. At a McDonald's in Germany, a large drink is only 24 ounces, if you can believe it and there's no ice besides, and don't even get us started on the refrigerators in England that can store two plums and an ice cube if you pack it right. This is basically a starvation diet.
The Phillip Morris Weight Loss, Coordination, and Mental Stimulant Herbal Treatment -- A new you power solution for a better life and a slimmer body
Using our patented slim sticks which deliver a powerful appetite suppressant via an all-natural plant material, you'll be eating less and feeling great in no time! When heated, these compact and portable diet aids create a mild, rich vapor which, when inhaled, can actually cut down on food cravings and increase aerobic fitness (in terms of accelerated heart rate). 20 to a pack. May require ID to purchase.
The Midway's Patented Exclusive Bank Loan Body Maintenance System
This is really a last resort treatment, but it involves eating less and engaging in any form of daily exercise. In other words, if you're the type of person with enough discipline to do it this way, you probably don't have to lose weight to begin with, but hey, it's worth a try.
*if you lose one, two, or even three limbs in an industrial accident while on one of our diet plans
bedtime for me.
!
