Serious question for married women who are moms

[Acklander]

I was responding to the above post #7.

By my statement of kids being temporary, I meant it in the context of the evolve into adults and move on into their own lives. And during this time our relationship also evolves into an adult relationship. Don't you see it that way as well???

 

[Wishing on a star]

When I was married I stopped caring about being a wife as soon as I got pregnant.

WHY did you feel this way....
I would still imagine that it must go back to issues between your husband and yourself from the day you met him.

There are, of course, other factors involved...
Hormones, Post-Partum-Depression, etc...

But I am wondering if your relationship with this man lacked any real love or foundation from the very beginning.

I am not sure your case is all that common or classic... and I am not sure you would find your personal answers in other people's opinions, as posted on a chat-board.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

I am one of the few imperfect ones.

Being a mom can take a lot out of you and sometimes there isn't much left over for your husband. I have been there. And back. And there and back. It's easy to put motherhood first because kids are young and need you in a very different way than your husband needs you (or you need him). We are adults, we can handle things on our own if need be. Kids actually, literally need you. For everything. People can preach and hold themselves to the high standard of balancing both perfectly and maybe they can do it, but I think it is HARD. And all too often the marriage comes in second.

I am very lucky to be married to a man who is patient and understanding, and seems to get this. He is also pretty independant and not at all needy, which helps A LOT. He takes being a dad as seriously as I take being a mom but we both value the marriage. We work at it. We fail sometimes, but we work at it. It's getting easier now that the kids are older. They need us less so we have more time to give to each other. It's kind of a fun, exciting stage.

I do think I put motherhood first for a lot of years but I don't think it hurt my marriage. My husband and I both have viewed this time when the kids come first as temporary. We know it isn't forever. We never ignored each other but there were times when we probably could have given each other more. But luckily we have the same level of commitment to this life and we just keep working on it. We have learned from it and try to be better. What more can two imperfect people do?

 

[MoonFaerie]

I go for the option of having so much going on that I'm too busy to think about it. I just do it. I've honestly never thought much about balance. Sometimes my kids get more of my time. Sometimes my husband does. In the end, it balances out. A time of greater need from one of them doesn't last forever. It's really finding the balance for me time that I struggle with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I found out, after my wife divorce me, that the entire purpose of her marrying me was to have kids. Once they arrived my function diminished by leaps and bounds. It took a long time to completely crumble (29 years) but crumble it did.

I am sorry to hear that this might have been your experience!

Just know that other people will see very clearly that your viewpoints are affected by your personal issues with your wife.

Yes, in a perfect world, familial relationships are all 'forever' in some sense.

Children can grow up and take off and leave dysfunctional relationships with their parents, just as spouses can grow apart/divorce.

And, as others have mentioned.... A parent-child relationship should always, at some point, be replaced with an adult-adult relationship. Any parent-child dynamic between two adults is just not going to be good.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am one of the few imperfect ones.

That doesn't sound so imperfect!!!!
Sounds like 'life'.

 

[NY Disney fan]

WHY did you feel this way....
I would still imagine that it must go back to issues between your husband and yourself from the day you met him.

But I am wondering if your relationship with this man lacked any real love or foundation from the very beginning.
I am not sure your case is all that common or classic... and I am not sure you would find your personal answers in other people's opinions, as posted on a chat-board.

Yeah, maybe...see the thing was, he was a model husband, perfect (in my eyes) but I didn't love him. After we divorced I only found out accidentally that he had other lovers in our relationship. But I had no idea and our divorce was not even based on those betrayals. I fell out of love with him (on purpose) after the pregnancy. If I even remarry I don't want those feelings to come up. I want be a great wife and mom (like the Dis'ers on here) but those two were foreign concepts to me in my marriage. I always thought I was abnormal.

 

[NotUrsula]

I wouldn't say that "kids are temporary", but would I would say is that my kids' position at the top of the "needs my full, in-person attention" hierarchy is temporary. They will grow up, and once they do that and develop adult relationships, then I can (and should) step back a bit.

 

[Wishing on a star]

but those two were foreign concepts to me in my marriage.

Well, for me, these concepts were very real, from a very young age.... Before marriage!!!!

So, I think that this might be 'key' in your questions.

Unfortunately, my husband's concept of marriage was what he saw from his parents while growing up. His dad was a workaholic... never really 'parented' my husband... Didn't have time for that... Never really made time for a true adult intimate (make time for each other) relationship with his mother... And, his mother did every thing, while dad was off working, many many hours and days per week... When my DH's dad was home... It was like Edith asking Archie Bunker... "Here, you wanna sandwich... want me go get-cha a beer."

THAT was what my DH thought constituted a husband-wife relationship, and the extent of a man's obligation to his wife and children.

I am thankful that I have gotten my DH to get my DS involved in Scouts, so that kind of forces, ensures, that they have some kind of one-on-one time and interaction... And that they have opportunity to do things together. It strokes my DH's ego that his son will be an Eagle Scout, and that he helped DS to get there.

I am big on planning an annual Family Vacation, just the three of us.

DH never experienced anything like this at all with his dad or his family.
Just last Sunday, at my MIL's, I noticed her mention that her and DH's dad once camped with their long-time family friends... A couple that lived next door. But, once my husband came along... I don't think they ever camped with him once... Really jumped out at me when MIL made that one off-hand comment.

 

[NY Disney fan]

THAT was what my DH thought constituted a husband-wife relationship, and the extent of a man's obligation to his wife and children.

Yes, that would play a huge part. My parents are still married (43 years) but they have a strange marriage. My mother is the boss of all and ruler of the household. My father is not really a leader. He essentially just wants to be left alone. We don't have a relationship with him. I modeled my marriage after this. My ex-husband had a worse model to follow (divorced parents with a dating mom and a father who acted/acts like a teenager).

 

[scbelleatheart]

Yeah, maybe...see the thing was, he was a model husband, perfect (in my eyes) but I didn't love him. After we divorced I only found out accidentally that he had other lovers in our relationship. But I had no idea and our divorce was not even based on those betrayals. I fell out of love with him (on purpose) after the pregnancy. If I even remarry I don't want those feelings to come up. I want be a great wife and mom (like the Dis'ers on here) but those two were foreign concepts to me in my marriage. I always thought I was abnormal.

Sad for you. Why would you marry someone you did not love?

 

[ilovemk76]

The answers are not making me feel better or worse. Everyone is different and I'm trying to find the root of a problem. When I was married I stopped caring about being a wife as soon as I got pregnant. After I had the baby I stopped being intimate with my husband. Then I realized that I I put my kid over him in many things. He eventually divorced me for another woman, which hurt at the time but I didn't see a future with him. He's marginally involved with our daughter, even now. Five years after divorce he only sees her once a month. I'm just wondering if I could be a good wife to someone else, without having the same feelings I had with my ex-husband.

You really need to find out why you married, had a baby and they seemed to have no need for your DH after he created life. Until then, you will never know if you can be a good wife to another man.

When I met my DH an knew I wanted to be with him, go on a journey with him and grow old with him. He was and still is my best friend. This is why he became my husband.

 

[BensDaddy]

My wife and I are best friends - but sometimes it seems like that's all we are. We are ok with that. She does a great job being a phenomenal mom and caring for the house when I'm gone (I travel a lot). We talk every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. We Skype all the time.

We just aren't physical anymore. At all. Maybe once or twice a year. It used to really bother me, but I've come to realize that everything else is so much more important. So I don't think that these questions are as black and white as they seem. Every couple has their challenges, and with each couple they are different. I can't imagine ever leaving my wife -- certainly not over something as trivial as physical intimacy. I value the time at home with she and my little boy way too much to split up. That's just one component of who we are and (shrug) we've come to terms with it. I still treasure our time together and can't wait for each new Disney vacation! So things can't be that bad.

 

[BensDaddy]

I much prefer being a mom. I get that it's not healthy, but it's just how I feel, although I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the relationship between my DH and myself.

I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy. It is what it is. <shrug> If it works for your family so be it.

 

[Jedana]

I give my kids as much as I give my husband.

At times, one or the other may get more of me, but in the end, it all balances. There are times when I have to be a mommy first, and then there are times when I need to put my husband first, time wise.

I love being a mommy (mostly--now that DD2 is out of the house, life is much simpler--). I love being DH's wife.

This is my 2nd marriage. My first was--horrible. It was sort of forced on us, as we got pregnant midway through my senior year in high school, and everyone in the families put on the pressure to "do the right thing". Doing "the right thing" left me with scars on my knees and the underside of my chin, as well as many many psychological issues that I've had to work on. Would have been better to just have DD1 on my own--things would have been much better.

As soon as I could, I left the relationship, and was able to protect DD1 (he tried to start on her, which is what gave me the courage to leave)--he wasn't able to be alone with her until she was 14. He always had to have a social worker or a lawyer or his mom and dad around her, until then. At 14, she asked to go live with him and his mom (he was on his 2nd marriage, and they were all living with my FormerMIL). They went to court and she moved out there---turns out FormerMIL was bribing her with a car and freedom and a horse--all the things that I would not be able to provide.

She's 23, in college and on her own now. Lessons learned and all that.


Anyways.

DH and I have "reconfigured" our relationship constantly over the years. I believe that, just as life is constantly changing, so are we, and if you aren't keeping things in balance and tweaking things as you go, the little things become big things and then it gets bad.

When I'm working, he has to take on more of the child care and housework. When I'm a sahm, he has to deal with less of both. He still takes care of the kids, but he doesn't have to take off work to take DS to a doctor's appointment or go grocery shopping.

We balance each other--I'm neurotic and OCD and myst have things a certain way. I'm the one that schedules our lives and vacations and everything. He's more relaxed, a come as it does kind of guy. He forgets to put the toilet seat down and I don't think the man has ever changed a toilet paper roll , but he gives me shoulder rubs when we sit and watch tv and remembers that orchids and lilies are my favorite flowers. I don't get flowers on Valentines day, but I do get them randomly in September.

Now, it hasn't been all hugs and kisses...we've had many issues. We were separated for 2 years right after DD2 turned 1. We can throw fits at each other like overtired two year olds. But in the end, we make up, we apologize, and we learn and grown from the experience.

 

[elaine amj]

I'm the one who's abnormal. I can't say I'm great in either role.

I love and adore my kids - but I'm not a very maternal person. But I do the best I can. I don't feel like I'm as a good a mom as my friends are. I remember when they were 3 or 4, someone asked me how I liked being a mom. I said that I didn't know if I would do it all over again. Although knowing myself, I would have - because it was the "expected" thing to do. By the time they were 6 or 7, they were easier and I said yes, knowing what I know now, I would do it all over again. But I know myself and know I will never be supermom and that I do shortchange my kids on occassion.

As for being a wife, I drive my DH batty. But still, he is just right for me and we adore each other. He's not perfect either. He does stuff and my friends say they could never put up with "such and such". For me, it just rolls off my back. I feel for him though - I definitely got the better end of the deal!

Lucky for me, my DH and my kids love me and we are a very happy family. We cherish the time we spend together and we're pretty "in tune" with each other. The balance between being a wife and mother has rarely ever been a problem. I can't possibly be a good mom without DH's help so we have to always work together.

 

[scbelleatheart]

Are there that many bitter women or men out there? Whose lives revolve around a Disney vacation? Who have husbands they just rely on for their paycheck? You all need to grow up, be a wife, a mother. Is is not exclusive. You can do both and more, like have job or run a company and still be a good wife and mother.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

DH never experienced anything like this at all with his dad or his family. Just last Sunday, at my MIL's, I noticed her mention that her and DH's dad once camped with their long-time family friends... A couple that lived next door. But, once my husband came along... I don't think they ever camped with him once... Really jumped out at me when MIL made that one off-hand comment.

I think things in previous generations were different. Not with everyone, but with lots. My friends and I talk about this a lot. Many of our fathers didn't change diapers, expected dinner on the table when they came home from work, clean clothes layed out for the next day and a romp in the hay that night. Mothers mostly dealt with the kids and the home. And they enjoyed their roles for the most part. They didn't have to go to work; that was their work. Fathers were not overly involved with the kids. In some cases, not involved much at all. Now obviously not everyone was exactly like this. But many were. Including my mother and her sisters, who are all now in their 80 (or gone). And my DH's parents as well.

I sometimes wonder how DH and I became so different from our parents. I think we extrapolated the things we liked about our families and tried to improve on the things we didn't, in a nutshell. (Obviously really complicated, taking individual personalities and styles, desires into play, etc.) I sometimes also wonder what our kids will take away from their families (us) and how their marriages will turn out; how they will be similar or different than ours. You never really know. Things evolve and change as the world changes. Maybe future generations will go back more to the way previous generations were, who knows. Interesting to think about....

 

[SaraJayne]

You really need to find out why you married, had a baby and they seemed to have no need for your DH after he created life. Until then, you will never know if you can be a good wife to another man.

When I met my DH an knew I wanted to be with him, go on a journey with him and grow old with him. He was and still is my best friend. This is why he became my husband.

Agreed on all points.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Are there that many bitter women or men out there? Whose lives revolve around a Disney vacation? Who have husbands they just rely on for their paycheck? You all need to grow up, be a wife, a mother. Is is not exclusive. You can do both and more, like have job or run a company and still be a good wife and mother.

Well that was out of left field.