Serious question for married women who are moms

[SaraJayne]

Are there that many bitter women or men out there? Whose lives revolve around a Disney vacation? Who have husbands they just rely on for their paycheck? You all need to grow up, be a wife, a mother. Is is not exclusive. You can do both and more, like have job or run a company and still be a good wife and mother.

Uh, what?

 

[MoonFaerie]

Are there that many bitter women or men out there? Whose lives revolve around a Disney vacation? Who have husbands they just rely on for their paycheck? You all need to grow up, be a wife, a mother. Is is not exclusive. You can do both and more, like have job or run a company and still be a good wife and mother.

What?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

NYDF, I think you have some of your answers in your own posts. Figure out what went wrong and then take steps to try to work those issues through in yourself. There is always the possiblity you can still find happiness with the right person if that's what you want. Nobody's relationships are perfect, some are just more easy or difficult than others. Work on correcting any big mistakes you may have made and don't be afraid to try again.

 

[Minnesota!]

I am one of the few imperfect ones.

Being a mom can take a lot out of you and sometimes there isn't much left over for your husband. I have been there. And back. And there and back. It's easy to put motherhood first because kids are young and need you in a very different way than your husband needs you (or you need him). We are adults, we can handle things on our own if need be. Kids actually, literally need you. For everything. People can preach and hold themselves to the high standard of balancing both perfectly and maybe they can do it, but I think it is HARD. And all too often the marriage comes in second.

I am very lucky to be married to a man who is patient and understanding, and seems to get this. He is also pretty independant and not at all needy, which helps A LOT. He takes being a dad as seriously as I take being a mom but we both value the marriage. We work at it. We fail sometimes, but we work at it. It's getting easier now that the kids are older. They need us less so we have more time to give to each other. It's kind of a fun, exciting stage.

I do think I put motherhood first for a lot of years but I don't think it hurt my marriage. My husband and I both have viewed this time when the kids come first as temporary. We know it isn't forever. We never ignored each other but there were times when we probably could have given each other more. But luckily we have the same level of commitment to this life and we just keep working on it. We have learned from it and try to be better. What more can two imperfect people do?

I ask this seriously and without snark - what is it that I should be giving my husband? What "stuff" isn't left over?

I guess I just cannot see how taking time with the kids takes away time with my husband. Physically, sure, but the majority of the time we do things as a family. However, no matter how involved I am in the kids, there is never anything that lacks with DH.

I am just really curious b/c a lot of the responses on here have left me wondering what I am missing - what is it that as being a mom, takes away from being a wife?

 

[NikitaZee]

I ask this seriously and without snark - what is it that I should be giving my husband? What "stuff" isn't left over?

I guess I just cannot see how taking time with the kids takes away time with my husband. Physically, sure, but the majority of the time we do things as a family. However, no matter how involved I am in the kids, there is never anything that lacks with DH.

I am just really curious b/c a lot of the responses on here have left me wondering what I am missing - what is it that as being a mom, takes away from being a wife?

I can answer this from my perspective. When the kids have given me a rough day, maybe my husband will come home and want to talk about his bad day. I might not want to hear it. Sometimes I'm mentally exhausted and don't have the emotional energy to listen to anymore problems. Sometimes sex is the furthest thing from my mind - but not from his. So there are definitely times when the kids sap me and by the time he gets home and dinner/baths, etc are done I don't have much leftover for him or anybody else, for that matter! But - those are just days - not everyday. I thought we all go through that!

 

[KimR]

My wife and I are best friends - but sometimes it seems like that's all we are. We are ok with that. She does a great job being a phenomenal mom and caring for the house when I'm gone (I travel a lot). We talk every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. We Skype all the time.

We just aren't physical anymore. At all. Maybe once or twice a year. It used to really bother me, but I've come to realize that everything else is so much more important. So I don't think that these questions are as black and white as they seem. Every couple has their challenges, and with each couple they are different. I can't imagine ever leaving my wife -- certainly not over something as trivial as physical intimacy. I value the time at home with she and my little boy way too much to split up. That's just one component of who we are and (shrug) we've come to terms with it. I still treasure our time together and can't wait for each new Disney vacation! So things can't be that bad.

Our marriage is the exact opposite. They physical aspect is all DH cares about. We don't spend much time together, do our own thing, and live separate lives for the most part. He's happy with it that way and I've come to accept it, but it's certainly not what I had hoped for when I said 'I do'. I'm afraid it's going to be a lonely life when the kids leave home.

 

[BensDaddy]

Our marriage is the exact opposite. They physical aspect is all DH cares about. We don't spend much time together, do our own thing, and live separate lives for the most part. He's happy with it that way and I've come to accept it, but it's certainly not what I had hoped for when I said 'I do'. I'm afraid it's going to be a lonely life when the kids leave home.

I am sorry to hear that Kim. I can only imagine how that makes you feel. I can't say I understand because we don't do the physical thing in this household, but I would imagine that you have control over that piece. I'm sorry. That does sound lonely.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I ask this seriously and without snark - what is it that I should be giving my husband? What "stuff" isn't left over?

I guess I just cannot see how taking time with the kids takes away time with my husband. Physically, sure, but the majority of the time we do things as a family. However, no matter how involved I am in the kids, there is never anything that lacks with DH.

I am just really curious b/c a lot of the responses on here have left me wondering what I am missing - what is it that as being a mom, takes away from being a wife?

Like NikitaZee said--it is mostly about the emotional energy of really spending time together and connecting. When one of my kids went through a serious depression and had major anxiety issues an I was the one at home with them and trying to get them to therapy, etc it was just too much for me to have ANY left over for my husband-it was all I could do to make sure I focused on my other child for some time each day. For long stretches we really were not able to connect much emotionally, because i was so drained. He understood why and supported me as much as possible and knew that at that point our child truly needed that much from me--but I would never focus so exclusively on our kids (or on anyone) and drain myself so much if it were not truly needed.
Prior to that frightening time, there were certainly days or strings of days, especially when the kids were toddlers or when someone was really sick, when the same type of thing occurred.

I actually think that emotional connection is a much bigger deal than the physical stuff (though one often leads to the other in my experience, and not having one makes the other undesirable as well).

 

[Kellydelly]

If you are a married woman as well as a mom, can you equally balance being a mom and a wife? Do you prefer just being a mom instead? The reason I am asking this question is because when I was married (I'm divorced) I liked being a mom better and didn't know if that is abnormal. How do women balance both?

I imagine you'd like being a wife a lot better if you had the right man . I love my husband as much as my kids if not more. I like being married .

 

[Minnesota!]

I can answer this from my perspective. When the kids have given me a rough day, maybe my husband will come home and want to talk about his bad day. I might not want to hear it. Sometimes I'm mentally exhausted and don't have the emotional energy to listen to anymore problems. Sometimes sex is the furthest thing from my mind - but not from his. So there are definitely times when the kids sap me and by the time he gets home and dinner/baths, etc are done I don't have much leftover for him or anybody else, for that matter! But - those are just days - not everyday. I thought we all go through that!

Like NikitaZee said--it is mostly about the emotional energy of really spending time together and connecting. When one of my kids went through a serious depression and had major anxiety issues an I was the one at home with them and trying to get them to therapy, etc it was just too much for me to have ANY left over for my husband-it was all I could do to make sure I focused on my other child for some time each day. For long stretches we really were not able to connect much emotionally, because i was so drained. He understood why and supported me as much as possible and knew that at that point our child truly needed that much from me--but I would never focus so exclusively on our kids (or on anyone) and drain myself so much if it were not truly needed.
Prior to that frightening time, there were certainly days or strings of days, especially when the kids were toddlers or when someone was really sick, when the same type of thing occurred.

I actually think that emotional connection is a much bigger deal than the physical stuff (though one often leads to the other in my experience, and not having one makes the other undesirable as well).

Thank you, both, for answering. I can still honestly say I have never run into these issues in my marriage. Even during our hardest times - and there have been MANY - we have never been "too spent" to give each other the physical and emotional care the other needs. I do believe Dh and I are the exception vs the norm. We have been together since were were just 15 and we kind of grew up and intertwined that way. I can't imagine not having the time or the patience to not listen to DH (or the kids) about anything they want to talk about.

DH and I car pool, and when he has had a rough day (or vice versa) we pretty much hash it out in the 30 minute commute and then by the time we get the kids, all those "issues" are talked through and we are ready to parent for the evening. It gives us a chance to "be together" and get the stresses of the day worked out. And then it's game on as soon as the kids pile in the van. Same with in the morning, we can chat about anxieties about the day, issues with the kids from the night prior, "to do" list for the day, etc. I suppose if the first time you see your partner each evening is as soon as you both converge together, it could be chaotic to listen to them, get the kids settled, get the day hashed out, recover from your own day, etc etc etc. I can totally see that. I will have to tell DH, next time he whines about driving into downtown during rush hour to drop me off/pick me up - it's really helping our marriage, ha ha ha ha! he will probably push me out into traffic, LOL!

For those of you that have a marriage that is less than what you had hoped...I am sorry ((((((hugs))))). i couldn't imagine how lonely it must be to feel like it's one sided, or at least, not on par with what you had anticipated...

 

[BensDaddy]

I imagine you'd like being a wife a lot better if you had the right man

As a husband whose wife really likes being a mom a lot more than she seems to like being a wife... ouch! (

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thank you, both, for answering. I can still honestly say I have never run into these issues in my marriage. Even during our hardest times - and there have been MANY - we have never been "too spent" to give each other the physical and emotional care the other needs. I do believe Dh and I are the exception vs the norm. We have been together since were were just 15 and we kind of grew up and intertwined that way. I can't imagine not having the time or the patience to not listen to DH (or the kids) about anything they want to talk about.

DH and I car pool, and when he has had a rough day (or vice versa) we pretty much hash it out in the 30 minute commute and then by the time we get the kids, all those "issues" are talked through and we are ready to parent for the evening. It gives us a chance to "be together" and get the stresses of the day worked out. And then it's game on as soon as the kids pile in the van. Same with in the morning, we can chat about anxieties about the day, issues with the kids from the night prior, "to do" list for the day, etc. I suppose if the first time you see your partner each evening is as soon as you both converge together, it could be chaotic to listen to them, get the kids settled, get the day hashed out, recover from your own day, etc etc etc. I can totally see that. I will have to tell DH, next time he whines about driving into downtown during rush hour to drop me off/pick me up - it's really helping our marriage, ha ha ha ha! he will probably push me out into traffic, LOL!

For those of you that have a marriage that is less than what you had hoped...I am sorry ((((((hugs))))). i couldn't imagine how lonely it must be to feel like it's one sided, or at least, not on par with what you had anticipated...

That commute sounds lovely. When my husband is working at his home office he calls me and we chat while he drives home--sort of similar. But, he travels 35-40 weeks a year--so think of a week's worth of stress, on a hard week, multiplied by kids dying to see Daddy and monopolize his time when he finally walks in the door, him being jetlagged and me being spent after a week of suicide watches on my own, and yeah we had times when neither of us had much left for anyone or anything--heck I couldn't even take care of myself some days
It gets better though and normally is not a long term thing.
My husband I met when we were 17 and also grew up together and we really are a team and highly value each other--but in our case, and with our crazy schedules, there are still times when we are just too emotionally drained to be together as much as we want (but we work to make sure that is not the norm).

 

[BensDaddy]

That is kind of how ours goes. I travel about 3 weeks out of the month - that's not to say I don't get home numerous nights during the week, I usually do. But typically when that does happen I am home at around 6pm and leave again around 4:30am the next morning. Days at home during those times are an unexpected gift. Still, the 4th week of the month I am typically home and give my family my undivided attention.

 

[SaraJayne]

My wife and I are best friends - but sometimes it seems like that's all we are. We are ok with that. She does a great job being a phenomenal mom and caring for the house when I'm gone (I travel a lot). We talk every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. We Skype all the time.

We just aren't physical anymore. At all. Maybe once or twice a year. It used to really bother me, but I've come to realize that everything else is so much more important. So I don't think that these questions are as black and white as they seem. Every couple has their challenges, and with each couple they are different. I can't imagine ever leaving my wife -- certainly not over something as trivial as physical intimacy. I value the time at home with she and my little boy way too much to split up. That's just one component of who we are and (shrug) we've come to terms with it. I still treasure our time together and can't wait for each new Disney vacation! So things can't be that bad.

I'm sorry your marriage isn't what you think it should be. The physical aspect of our marriage is very important to both DH and I, and I wouldn't consider it trivial.

 

[BensDaddy]

I'm sorry your marriage isn't what you think it should be. The physical aspect of our marriage is very important to both DH and I, and I wouldn't consider it trivial.

I didn't say that my marriage isn't what I think it should be. I was just stating rather matter-of-factly what it is, and that we have learned to live with it.

 

[Andtototoo]

Thank you, both, for answering. I can still honestly say I have never run into these issues in my marriage. Even during our hardest times - and there have been MANY - we have never been "too spent" to give each other the physical and emotional care the other needs. I do believe Dh and I are the exception vs the norm. We have been together since were were just 15 and we kind of grew up and intertwined that way. I can't imagine not having the time or the patience to not listen to DH (or the kids) about anything they want to talk about.

DH and I car pool, and when he has had a rough day (or vice versa) we pretty much hash it out in the 30 minute commute and then by the time we get the kids, all those "issues" are talked through and we are ready to parent for the evening. It gives us a chance to "be together" and get the stresses of the day worked out. And then it's game on as soon as the kids pile in the van. Same with in the morning, we can chat about anxieties about the day, issues with the kids from the night prior, "to do" list for the day, etc. I suppose if the first time you see your partner each evening is as soon as you both converge together, it could be chaotic to listen to them, get the kids settled, get the day hashed out, recover from your own day, etc etc etc. I can totally see that. I will have to tell DH, next time he whines about driving into downtown during rush hour to drop me off/pick me up - it's really helping our marriage, ha ha ha ha! he will probably push me out into traffic, LOL!

For those of you that have a marriage that is less than what you had hoped...I am sorry ((((((hugs))))). i couldn't imagine how lonely it must be to feel like it's one sided, or at least, not on par with what you had anticipated...

I think there is a direct correlation between you never feeling too spent to give you dh what he needs and the fact that you two get an hour every single work day to talk to and concentrate on each other. That hour is a gift that many couples do not have.

I would also add that another gift you have is that both of you want to and do talk to each other. I know plenty of couples in which it seems like over time, the man has just "shut down" and wants to come home to watch tv or play video games while the woman is consumed with transporting her kids to/from activities.

 

[malibuconlee]

For me, I come from a divorced family. Mom was twice divorced. I was/am very adamant in that I want to have a strong marriage. I want my child to see what a good marriage is. We waited a LONG time to have a child. We got pregnant on our 10th anniversary trip!

I have seen many people who have a good marriage, but when they have children it becomes all about the kids. They look at each other one day down the line and they have no connection BUT the children.

We have family time, we do date nights, even couple trips without our daughter. We've also taken trips with friends without each other. I feel it's important to be your own person, not just someone's mother or wife. sometimes the balance swings too far in one direction and we have to make an effort to put it back in check.

 

[ilovemk76]

I didn't say that my marriage isn't what I think it should be. I was just stating rather matter-of-factly what it is, and that we have learned to live with it.

What will happen when you realize that lack of a physical intimacy is not something you can learn to live with?

 

[BensDaddy]

It's been like this for about 10 years. I'm accustomed to it. I don't mean to sound snarky, my point was not to complain or to sound like I was complaining. Rather to explain that there are a lot of different ways that marriage works. Admittedly mine isn't ideal... It isn't what I expected when we said I do, but it is working for our family. More importantly, it beats the alternative.

 

[handinpocket]

It's been like this for about 10 years. I'd say I am well acclimated.

Really. Well, how did you guys manage to have a 6 year old child, if it has been 10 years since you had sex?