Serious question for married women who are moms

[NY Disney fan]

My wife and I are best friends - but sometimes it seems like that's all we are. We are ok with that. She does a great job being a phenomenal mom and caring for the house when I'm gone (I travel a lot). We talk every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. We Skype all the time.

We just aren't physical anymore. At all. Maybe once or twice a year. It used to really bother me, but I've come to realize that everything else is so much more important.

I am the OP. My marriage was just like your in the years right before we divorced. Not having sex will be detrimental to your marriage (it is not a matter of IF but WHEN). Sex creates a strong bond and if you don't have it, someone *could* easily get in between you two. You may not leave your wife but your wife may find a connection with someone else. You both are playing with fire. That is all I have to say. You sound like a good husband/father.

 

[mamajo]

i have a very hard time balancing and I'm sure my husband feels slighted because I feel more like a "mom" first, wife second. I guess subconsciously I'm thinking he's an adult and can take care of himself-- Sometimes I get tired of having someone need me all the time-- be it dh or dd. I can't even go to the bathroom alone without his needing something or her needing something! It is hard to balance and shift gears. But I also think he could pitch in more to make me feel more "wifely". Why does it all fall on the mom to be the fixer for every little thing all day long? (Sounds like I'm hitting my own nerve!!

 

[goofyernmost]

i have a very hard time balancing and I'm sure my husband feels slighted because I feel more like a "mom" first, wife second. I guess subconsciously I'm thinking he's an adult and can take care of himself-- Sometimes I get tired of having someone need me all the time-- be it dh or dd. I can't even go to the bathroom alone without his needing something or her needing something! It is hard to balance and shift gears. But I also think he could pitch in more to make me feel more "wifely". Why does it all fall on the mom to be the fixer for every little thing all day long? (Sounds like I'm hitting my own nerve!!

I think that is a common problem with marriages. I was a place the other day where the husband was sitting on a couch watching TV. His wife was making dinner. She was using the grill outside on the deck when the oven buzzer set for the rolls started beeping. He had his son go out on the deck to tell his wife that the buzzer was going off.

She, thankfully, told her son to go tell his father to get off his lazy *** and shut it off. I loved it! But it is that kind of situation, when the wife won't speak out, that cause a lack of desire or caring. I could have understood that back in the 50's but now? Crawl out of the cave guys, it's a different world out there.

 

[BensDaddy]

I am the OP. My marriage was just like your in the years right before we divorced. Not having sex will be detrimental to your marriage (it is not a matter of IF but WHEN). Sex creates a strong bond and if you don't have it, someone *could* easily get in between you two. You may not leave your wife but your wife may find a connection with someone else. You both are playing with fire. That is all I have to say. You sound like a good husband/father.

At the risk of further taking this thread off-topic I won't tackle this here, but I do appreciate the response. You've given me some things to think about.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ben's Daddy....
I am hoping that these comments are getting you to think a little deeper.

Barring other specific problems or situations... I do not think it is a normal or natural human nature to forego physical affection and intimacy.

And, it is not that I am wanting to pile-on...
But, I am just now seeing and realizing that you said that you travel, a lot.

I have heard, several times, from credible sources, that being 'apart' is one of the biggest and most important factors in relationships falling apart, and also a huge factor in infidelity. Well documented.

Unless your wife has some valid physical or neurological ( ASD ???) issues... I just do not see a married person choosing celibacy, with no reasons, discussions, compromises, as really normal or healthy.

Again, we don't know you....
And I am not trying to judge, or to 'pile-on'.

Just hoping to bring up some things for you to think about.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I guess subconsciously I'm thinking he's an adult and can take care of himself-- Sometimes I get tired of having someone need me all the time-- be it dh or dd. I can't even go to the bathroom alone without his needing something.....

I just can not help but comment on this.
Subconsciously must be the right word. Definitely doesn't sound like reality.
Because a grown man who can not understand taking care of himself, (and yes, even his child!!!), long enough for his wife to have some necessary personal time in the bathroom...
NOT an adult.

 

[BensDaddy]

Ben's Daddy....
I am hoping that these comments are getting you to think a little deeper.

Barring other specific problems or situations... I do not think it is a normal or natural human nature to forego physical affection and intimacy.

And, it is not that I am wanting to pile-on...
But, I am just now seeing and realizing that you said that you travel, a lot.

I have heard, several times, from credible sources, that being 'apart' is one of the biggest and most important factors in relationships falling apart, and also a huge factor in infidelity. Well documented.

Unless your wife has some valid physical or neurological ( ASD ???) issues... I just do not see a married person choosing celibacy, with no reasons, discussions, compromises, as really normal or healthy.

Again, we don't know you....
And I am not trying to judge, or to 'pile-on'.

Just hoping to bring up some things for you to think about.

Hard not to feel a little beat up on, but it's ok. Surely I'm not the only person who has a good marriage but is lacking in this component.

 

[Tiger926]

Hard not to feel a little beat up on, but it's ok. Surely I'm not the only person who has a good marriage but is lacking in this component.

I just wanted to apologize for you feeling beat up on.

My momma taught me that just because we have thoughts in our head, we don't need to actually verbalize such thoughts to others.

I do realize that you put your private marital business here, but you don't deserve others judging you, nor making you feel as if you aren't normal.

I have marital therapists and social workers in my family, and they will tell you that all that is important is what the normal is for that couple. If both parties agree that these relationship parameters are acceptable for them, then it's no one else's business to tell them otherwise.

I am one who doesn't believe that physical intimacy is the end all, be all of relationships either. There are so many other factors that are just as, or more important than this one...

Tiger

 

[Minnesota!]

I think that is a common problem with marriages. I was a place the other day where the husband was sitting on a couch watching TV. His wife was making dinner. She was using the grill outside on the deck when the oven buzzer set for the rolls started beeping. He had his son go out on the deck to tell his wife that the buzzer was going off.

She, thankfully, told her son to go tell his father to get off his lazy *** and shut it off. I loved it! But it is that kind of situation, when the wife won't speak out, that cause a lack of desire or caring. I could have understood that back in the 50's but now? Crawl out of the cave guys, it's a different world out there.

Yeah, this would NOT fly in my house. When I say we are equals...it is ALWAYS 50/50. There is no "his/her job" or his/her problem". It's our job, our problem. Sure DH is mainly responsible for cleaning the basement...because that's where he and the boys hang out and tear up. But everything else is 50/50. I am hoping by setting this example for my boys...my future DIL's will thank me the way I thanked my MIL!!!

 

[BensDaddy]

Thank you Tiger. I appreciate it very much,

 

[Tiger926]

Thank you Tiger. I appreciate it very much,

Tiger

 

[mhsjax]

I have a SIL with a marriage that sounds a lot like yours...intimacy is NOT a part of their marriage. Intimacy, for them, was for trying to conceive only, and once they had their (one) child, that aspect of their marriage was over. It works for them. All marriages are based on different things...whatever makes it work!



Oh, I agree, now that I think about it, that the hour we do share, really does make a difference. I guess I just never really thought about couples that don't have that time together first.



I have heard some of my SAHM friends complain about it, in that when dad gets off work and comes home, he is "off duty" and she is still "SAHM". But honestly, I really have not heard anyone (in my circle) talk about having a hard time balancing wife/mom duties. Or maybe I am just not listening. I guess I have never defined myself by mom/wife/friend/partner, etc. I am just me. I am me with a husband and sons. Not much changed (other than lack of sleep and less money) when I took on those titles...

Gotcha. I guess I am pretty much in the same boat you are, with the exception of those first 2-3 years after my youngest was born. That hour you share is great, we do the same thing, only at home. We started at a very early age, and trained the kids not to bother us and they weren't even allowed in the room with us during this time. It has been wonderful and our kids realize that they came from us, and they aren't first, we were and without us, there would be no them. Also my DH never turned off the clock when he came home even though I stayed home, he always helped and still does. We both have jobs we like better and divide them up that way.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, don't feel beat-up on!!!!

I don't think that has been anyone's intent.
Certainly not mine!!!
Like I had posted, I am certainly not here to judge.
Heck, nobody here knows enough about you to begin to judge.

And, yes, you are right, there are some relationships that are not all about the physical interaction. It is not like they do not exist.

It is just that I have been getting the strong message from your post, (like you said... you are a 'man') that you might not be happy in the situation. And that you feel kind of resigned to accept, and even defend, things the way they are... 'just because'.

To be more specific....
It is not the fact that there seems to be a lack of physical intimacy that I notice, so much as the fact that you, as one half of the marriage relationship, do not seem to be happy about that... And, you do not seem to have a good understanding of, or ideas about, why your wife, quote, 'is the way she is'.

If you did understand, and were truly happy with, the situation.
Then, as they say.... Whatever works!!!!

I am just not sure that this is what I have been reading.

Anyhow...
No beating up on...
No judgment!

 

[handinpocket]

Hard not to feel a little beat up on, but it's ok. Surely I'm not the only person who has a good marriage but is lacking in this component.

I'm sorry, I think you want to call attention to yourself and your marriage, hence bumping back up a dying thread where you were the last topic of conversation. I've looked back through some of your old post and you admit to being very lonely in your marriage. So if that is working for you......ok.