Serious question for married women who are moms

[SaraJayne]

I realize this is the DIS and so many of us are perfect and everything is peachy, but I have found that truthfully, in order to be a good wife and mom, it takes work. How you look at it is the difference. If it seems like chore , you will have problems.

Relationships take work and you , many times, have to make the time. You both get caught up with the kids and its easy to neglect each other. You have to WANT to do the work because , I can tell you, sometimes you just don't feel like it. And this is for both being a mother AND being a wife.

One thing I have learned is that I am NOT superwoman. I am not perfect. Once I let go of the feeling of needing to be supermom and wife or else I was a failure, it became easier.

"Perfect and peachy"? Not hardly.

 

[goofyernmost]

They are 2 completely different things, with different goals. My relationship with dh is intended to make the glue stronger and my relationship with my kids is intended to make the glue looser. Kids are temporary. I'm entrusted with them for a short time, to prepare them for a life on their own where they will raise there own family. Dh is my partner for the duration. While I'm training my kids to pull away from me a little more each year, dh and I are standing strong together and pulling closer.

As an Ex-Husband and a forever Father I must say that I agree with most of what has been said up to when I got to the part that says..."Kids are temporary".

That is so not true. Marriages are made up of two, connected by law, individuals. That connection can be broken and can be broken quite easily. Kids on the other hand will be part of you for the rest of your life, good or bad.

My Daughters are in their mid to late 30's and, though not financially dependent, they are still emotionally dependent. If you have your children when you are in your 20's, as most do, they are a part of life for whatever duration you live.

If you have no interest in working to maintain your relationship with your spouse, it is very easy to just let it go. If you want to have someone to be with, to share with and to help you through tough times, then working at it is the only way it will survive.

It is imperative that effort be made to keep a closeness to your spouse. The problems of grown children are much more complex and, sometimes troublesome, than when the kids are young. Kids as the grow, are kind of a glue, but, later when they are semi-attached then a lot of effort is required to prevent a division of spouses when dealing with those problems.

I found out, after my wife divorce me, that the entire purpose of her marrying me was to have kids. Once they arrived my function diminished by leaps and bounds. It took a long time to completely crumble (29 years) but crumble it did.

When I started to see it go, I started to be more involved with my kids. They were the only things in the world that I could truly call mine. I tried to always be there for them, but, never gave them handouts. Just love and backup support. I was their safety net, that, to their credit, they never used for anything other than emotional support.

I'm not sure anymore where I am headed with this post, except to say that you can have it both, good relationship with your spouse and good relationship with your children, but neither is without a lot of energy. When I read that the OP was more interested in being a mom then being a wife. It set off an alarm in my head. If you're not interested in being a wife, it will eventually no longer be a problem, but it also can bite you in the butt. My Ex has, at best, a non-emotional, duty required relationship with the very kids that she was so focused on in their youth.

What happens apparently is that the real job of being a mom, raising and nurturing ends when their children become independent and at that point, what they wanted (small kids) no longer exists and so goes that relationship as well.

 

[Arielle22]

Dh and I were married 8 years before we had DD19. Our younger DD is 17. I prefer whichever role is easiest at that moment. So if DD17 is having a hissy fit, I prefer my role as wife. If DH is driving me up a wall then I prefer being mom.

Soon we will have an empty nest and we are looking forward to it. Although we have had lots of bumps in our marriage, we still enjoy being with each other. We made an effort over the years to keep our relationship alive. We made it a point when we went out to not talk about our daughters.

I agree with a PP that I never wanted my entire life revolving around my daughters. DD19 was mentioning the other day that during her dance years (10 years from 2-12) she saw lots of dance moms and she was so glad I wasn't like that. I see my job of mom as preparing them for life. If they get their degrees and find a satisfying life then I will be happy.

I want us (DH and me) to be there for my daughters when they are adults. I see us as a package deal which is what marriage is to me.

 

[Acklander]

Thread after thread about perfect marriages, as well as perfectly balancing both marriage and children, just is not realistic for many.




Tiger

I haven't heard anyone say they had a perfect marriage, but I have heard many say that they had a marriage that was perfect for them. There is a difference. Dh and I are partners together. It doesn't mean that we never fight or never disagree or aren't sometimes overwhelmed with all that's on our plate, just that we compliment each other to deal to make our journey through life a little easier, a little more pleasurable, and a lot less lonely. We each have our own issues - dh is the spender, I'm the saver. His job is to make sure I take time to have fun, my job is to make sure we're not eating cat food in our old age. Dh likes stuff, I'm a minimalist. He's the keeper of memories and all that is precious. I'm there to make sure we don't get boggled down in "stuff" that's going to drag down our lifestyle. Dh knows I'm easy going and that I'm going to give in 90% of the time, he also knows that the 10% I hold out on is really important to me, so that's when he lets go and let's me do what I want. I know not to take advantage of his giving in when I dig in my heels on something.
When I'm feeling overwhelmed, he helps me prioritize what to do, what to delegate, and what to ditch all together.
Neither one of us is perfect, we just have a good balance together. I'm a better person with him than without.

 

[Pakey]

I've been married for centuries and my children have been grown and out of the house for over a decade. For me, the relationships were always different. My spouse is my partner; our roles as partners have remained the same throughout our relationship. I'm sure we evolved but we did it together, going in the same direction.

My role as a parent was constantly changing. It was also very challenging, especially through those teen years. Now, it's quite different as my children all have spouses and children of their own and I'm not even close to being the center of their universe. Our relationships with one another never followed the same path.

All three of my sons are great husbands; they treasure their wives. I'd like to think that the relationship my husband and I have always had was a good example.

 

[Acklander]

As an Ex-Husband and a forever Father I must say that I agree with most of what has been said up to when I got to the part that says..."Kids are temporary".

That is so not true. Marriages are made up of two, connected by law, individuals. That connection can be broken and can be broken quite easily. Kids on the other hand will be part of you for the rest of your life, good or bad.

My Daughters are in their mid to late 30's and, though not financially dependent, they are still emotionally dependent. If you have your children when you are in your 20's, as most do, they are a part of life for whatever duration you live.

If you have no interest in working to maintain your relationship with your spouse, it is very easy to just let it go. If you want to have someone to be with, to share with and to help you through tough times, then working at it is the only way it will survive.

It is imperative that effort be made to keep a closeness to your spouse. The problems of grown children are much more complex and, sometimes troublesome, than when the kids are young. Kids as the grow, are kind of a glue, but, later when they are semi-attached then a lot of effort is required to prevent a division of spouses when dealing with those problems.

I found out, after my wife divorce me, that the entire purpose of her marrying me was to have kids. Once they arrived my function diminished by leaps and bounds. It took a long time to completely crumble (29 years) but crumble it did.

When I started to see it go, I started to be more involved with my kids. They were the only things in the world that I could truly call mine. I tried to always be there for them, but, never gave them handouts. Just love and backup support. I was their safety net, that, to their credit, they never used for anything other than emotional support.

I'm not sure anymore where I am headed with this post, except to say that you can have it both, good relationship with your spouse and good relationship with your children, but neither is without a lot of energy. When I read that the OP was more interested in being a mom then being a wife. It set off an alarm in my head. If you're not interested in being a wife, it will eventually no longer be a problem, but it also can bite you in the butt. My Ex has, at best, a non-emotional, duty required relationship with the very kids that she was so focused on in their youth.

What happens apparently is that the real job of being a mom, raising and nurturing ends when their children become independent and at that point, what they wanted (small kids) no longer exists and so goes that relationship as well.

I don't necessarily see my job as ending when my kids become adults but it does change. My relationship with my ds27 hasn't ended, but it has evolved. He's grown into his own man, makes his own decisions, makes his own mistakes that he is now responsible for, and I get to watch, and hear updates, and be proud of what he's accomplished. He's now a friend, who I sometimes give advice to, and sometimes take advice from and hope his dreams come true for him. But, he's on his own.

 

[brockash]

I much prefer being a mom. I get that it's not healthy, but it's just how I feel, although I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the relationship between my DH and myself.

 

[Tiger926]

I haven't heard anyone say they had a perfect marriage, but I have heard many say that they had a marriage that was perfect for them. There is a difference. Dh and I are partners together. It doesn't mean that we never fight or never disagree or aren't sometimes overwhelmed with all that's on our plate, just that we compliment each other to deal to make our journey through life a little easier, a little more pleasurable, and a lot less lonely. We each have our own issues - dh is the spender, I'm the saver. His job is to make sure I take time to have fun, my job is to make sure we're not eating cat food in our old age. Dh likes stuff, I'm a minimalist. He's the keeper of memories and all that is precious. I'm there to make sure we don't get boggled down in "stuff" that's going to drag down our lifestyle. Dh knows I'm easy going and that I'm going to give in 90% of the time, he also knows that the 10% I hold out on is really important to me, so that's when he lets go and let's me do what I want. I know not to take advantage of his giving in when I dig in my heels on something.
When I'm feeling overwhelmed, he helps me prioritize what to do, what to delegate, and what to ditch all together.
Neither one of us is perfect, we just have a good balance together. I'm a better person with him than without.

Words aren't always necessary, but the perfect or close to it tone is alive and well on the DIS, IMHO. Sometimes it's subtle, and other times it's blatant, and most of the responses on here are not indicative of the women I know. None of us feel that our husbands come first, and that our kids are only temporary. I will wear the title of mother forever, and with that title comes years of huge responsibility, such as when kids are babies, and less responsibility as they grow, to being an entirely different relationship when they leave our home and start their own families.

In my realistic world though, most of us don't have enough time in the day, so our marriages are put second, a lot of the time. A baby needs to be fed and changed, and in that respect, the child will come first, but other times, the marriage comes first. But when you have small children and a professional career at the same time, for most every women I know, our marriages are second at this point in time.

This whole idea that the marriage is more important than the children is an idea that I have only read about on here, and for me it signifies some idealized vision of some perfect romantic movie type of marriage, as in my very busy world, this is an impossible level to achieve, but there are many posts on the DIS which intimate that this is what most marriages are like this or should be like this, and I will disagree with that. Hubby are very busy with our careers and the children, so we share in that busy life together, and most of the time we are exhausted together, and that is the way it is for most all of the other couples we know who are in similar life situations. We don't get to go out together, have never been away without the kids, and spend most days working out a balance of marriage, family and career that has its ups and downs in all of those areas.

Tiger

 

[joviroxx]

There is a difference between saying "I love being a wife" and "I love being married to my husband". Just sayin'

 

[NikitaZee]

Words aren't always necessary, but the perfect or close to it tone is alive and well on the DIS, IMHO. Sometimes it's subtle, and other times it's blatant, and most of the responses on here are not indicative of the women I know.

None of us feel that our husbands come first, and that our kids are only temporary. I will be wear the title of mother forever, and with that title comes years of huge responsibility, such as when kids are babies, and less responsibility as they grow, to being an entirely different relationship when they leave our home and start their own families.

In my realistic world though, most of us don't have enough time in the day, so our marriages are put second, a lot of the time, as that is the way it is. A baby needs to be fed and changed, and in that respect, the child will come first, but other times, the marriage comes first. But when you have small children and a professional career at the same time, for most every women I know, our marriages are second at this point in time.

This whole idea that the marriage is more important than the children is an idea that I have only read about on here, and for me it signifies some idealized vision of some perfect romantic movie type of marriage as in my very busy world, this is an impossible level to achieve, but there are many posts on the DIS which intimate that this is what most marriages are like this or should be like this, and I will disagree with that.

Tiger

Agree with your post Tiger. There are days where I feel I've let everybody down and have a good feel-sorry-for-myself cry. There are days where everything has worked our great and I go to bed thinking how great a wife/mom I am and how I rocked it that day! It's fluid and always seeking a different level - just depends on how I handle it in the moment, how available my husband is that day, the moods my kids are in, etc. Always there, always strong, but forever being tested and my priorities shift if not daily, then weekly or monthly. If it were always the same it would be boring!
I also believe that the positive tone on the DIS is more because people (people like me, anyway) don't like to air dirty laundry online but will be happy to share positives. There are plenty of times that I sit down to post something about my husband or kids, but I think it over and decide not to. To me, it's not being fair to them to put it out on the internet if it's unflattering (and will always be there - even after whatever the issue is is long gone).

 

[NY Disney fan]

You may have liked being a mom more because you were unhappy in your marriage before you actually " knew" it.

Yes, that is very insightful. I never thought of it that way. I think people who can balance both roles actually like being married to their spouse.

 

[Scurvy]

I've never really had a question of how to balance being a wife and mother, and I think that is mostly because in my mind my husband and I are a unit. I see us the The Parents more than seeing us as The Mother and The Father. When I describe myself of course I see myself as a wife and a mother, but when I look at my life as a whole and try to divide up my time, I just don't see those as two separate roles. I know that might not make sense but I can't really think of another way to say it. Sometimes our child needs more time and energy from us and sometimes less, but we are always working together. I feel like we have always been a team, even though sometimes I was the one who was physically there with our child and sometimes my husband was. So if we had to find a balance, it was the two of us together deciding that we needed to give more or that we needed some time for ourselves. Of course there have been times over the years when our child has needed so much time and energy from us that we haven't had as much time left for ourselves as we would like. And of course there are times when demands from our jobs take even more time and energy away from us and from our child, and I do see that as somewhat of an issue when it comes to balancing. But even then while we might feel frustrated that we don't have the free time and energy that we would like, I don't think it's ever a matter of one of us feeling neglected, or feeling like something else is the priority. It's just the two of us being frustrated that we don't have the time together (as a couple or as a family) that we would like.

 

[Minnesota!]

I haven't heard anyone say they had a perfect marriage, but I have heard many say that they had a marriage that was perfect for them. There is a difference. Dh and I are partners together. It doesn't mean that we never fight or never disagree or aren't sometimes overwhelmed with all that's on our plate, just that we compliment each other to deal to make our journey through life a little easier, a little more pleasurable, and a lot less lonely. We each have our own issues - dh is the spender, I'm the saver. His job is to make sure I take time to have fun, my job is to make sure we're not eating cat food in our old age. Dh likes stuff, I'm a minimalist. He's the keeper of memories and all that is precious. I'm there to make sure we don't get boggled down in "stuff" that's going to drag down our lifestyle. Dh knows I'm easy going and that I'm going to give in 90% of the time, he also knows that the 10% I hold out on is really important to me, so that's when he lets go and let's me do what I want. I know not to take advantage of his giving in when I dig in my heels on something.
When I'm feeling overwhelmed, he helps me prioritize what to do, what to delegate, and what to ditch all together.
Neither one of us is perfect, we just have a good balance together. I'm a better person with him than without.

Are you me?? This is my marriage, to a "t". My marriage wouldn't be "a perfect marriage" for other couples. We argue, of course, but both get over it PDQ. We each consider the other the anchor to our sail. I keep DH grounded on certain aspects, and vice versa. My 2 best friends have VASTLY different relationships with their husbands...and I would NOT be able to keep married in those kinds of relationships (nothing abusive, just less "equal" in all parts than I am comfy with). My marriage IS perfect...for me.

I've never really had a question of how to balance being a wife and mother, and I think that is mostly because in my mind my husband and I are a unit. I see us the The Parents more than seeing us as The Mother and The Father. When I describe myself of course I see myself as a wife and a mother, but when I look at my life as a whole and try to divide up my time, I just don't see those as two separate roles. I know that might not make sense but I can't really think of another way to say it. Sometimes our child needs more time and energy from us and sometimes less, but we are always working together. I feel like we have always been a team, even though sometimes I was the one who was physically there with our child and sometimes my husband was. So if we had to find a balance, it was the two of us together deciding that we needed to give more or that we needed some time for ourselves. Of course there have been times over the years when our child has needed so much time and energy from us that we haven't had as much time left for ourselves as we would like. And of course there are times when demands from our jobs take even more time and energy away from us and from our child, and I do see that as somewhat of an issue when it comes to balancing. But even then while we might feel frustrated that we don't have the free time and energy that we would like, I don't think it's ever a matter of one of us feeling neglected, or feeling like something else is the priority. It's just the two of us being frustrated that we don't have the time together (as a couple or as a family) that we would like.

Another big agreement. I am not "the Mother" in my household. I am 1/2 of "The Parents". We are a team, and everything is handled as such. I live a busy busy life - long weeks at work, kids in activities, DH and I in activities, DH full time work and full time student, etc. However, even so, there is ALWAYS time to be a parent and a wife. Nobody gets shorted. I guess it's just putting what's important first and making time for the other things, later. There is no pressure in our household to have to live up to any ideals. We all are who we all are.

I have been with DH for 19 years, married for 12, and have been parents for over 8 years. And I cannot think of one single time that I felt that anything was suffering or lacking in the dynamics of our household. I just don't get how people can feel they aren't "performing their duties" as a mom/dad/wife/husband/partner, etc. Eh, Maybe I am missing something (and in this instance, I am glad for that!!)

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If you are a married woman as well as a mom, can you equally balance being a mom and a wife? Do you prefer just being a mom instead? The reason I am asking this question is because when I was married (I'm divorced) I liked being a mom better and didn't know if that is abnormal. How do women balance both?

I have never experienced being a mom without being married so it's kind of difficult to imagine "just being a mom". In many ways I think it would be harder. If things were really difficult in your marriage, it's easy to understand why you'd feel the way you do.

But to answer your last question, I don't find it hard to balance anything when it comes to my marriage. That relationship is a foundation. Almost an extension of myself. A soft place to fall. Not something either of us has to work hard at every day. (Although I'm sure the definition is different for everyone.) I don't think I would enjoy having to work hard on my marriage as my work life and motherhood are hard enough most days. (And DH would say the same.) We have been a partnership for over 30 yrs and the relationship is fairly low maintenance. That's not to say we take it for granted or that we don't argue, etc.; it's just an overall easy relationship, thankfully. Our favorite place to be is together, it doesn't matter where or when. That is something we strive for, even when it's inconvenient. Our children add to that, and we're giving that relationship (family) our all because we know it's a precious time and we are fortunate to have it, and that hopefully some day - God willing and the creek don't rise - we'll have time to enjoy things like retirement, grandchildren and golden years the way we hope and plan to - together. I feel very, very fortunate to have this kind of relationship.

NYDF, can you be more specific (if you're comfortable) about what it is you're having trouble with? Or wondering about? I had to read your question over and over again before I could think about my answer. It is a little vague. I'm wondering if these answers are helping you or making you feel worse?

 

[SaraJayne]

As an Ex-Husband and a forever Father I must say that I agree with most of what has been said up to when I got to the part that says..."Kids are temporary".

That is so not true. Marriages are made up of two, connected by law, individuals. That connection can be broken and can be broken quite easily. Kids on the other hand will be part of you for the rest of your life, good or bad.

My Daughters are in their mid to late 30's and, though not financially dependent, they are still emotionally dependent. If you have your children when you are in your 20's, as most do, they are a part of life for whatever duration you live.

If you have no interest in working to maintain your relationship with your spouse, it is very easy to just let it go. If you want to have someone to be with, to share with and to help you through tough times, then working at it is the only way it will survive.

It is imperative that effort be made to keep a closeness to your spouse. The problems of grown children are much more complex and, sometimes troublesome, than when the kids are young. Kids as the grow, are kind of a glue, but, later when they are semi-attached then a lot of effort is required to prevent a division of spouses when dealing with those problems.

I found out, after my wife divorce me, that the entire purpose of her marrying me was to have kids. Once they arrived my function diminished by leaps and bounds. It took a long time to completely crumble (29 years) but crumble it did.

When I started to see it go, I started to be more involved with my kids. They were the only things in the world that I could truly call mine. I tried to always be there for them, but, never gave them handouts. Just love and backup support. I was their safety net, that, to their credit, they never used for anything other than emotional support.

I'm not sure anymore where I am headed with this post, except to say that you can have it both, good relationship with your spouse and good relationship with your children, but neither is without a lot of energy. When I read that the OP was more interested in being a mom then being a wife. It set off an alarm in my head. If you're not interested in being a wife, it will eventually no longer be a problem, but it also can bite you in the butt. My Ex has, at best, a non-emotional, duty required relationship with the very kids that she was so focused on in their youth.

What happens apparently is that the real job of being a mom, raising and nurturing ends when their children become independent and at that point, what they wanted (small kids) no longer exists and so goes that relationship as well.

I have not seen one poster that said kids are temporary.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, here is my take....
Fun interesting thread, so I will jump in!!!!

I am a wife...
I am a mother...
There are no 'percentages'.
There is no 'one above the other'.
Just isn't....

I am with those who think that the OP's original post is very telling, knowing that she is divorced.

However, one NOTE: Given the last few posts... I will say that being a wife is always JUST as important than being a mother. I will NOT be the mother who makes my kid(s) my life... and then, whether it is spoken or not, expect my child to make ME a priority in his life, forever, till I die. Once my child is a self sufficient adult, he has his own life... and it ain't all about me. ( The opposit of this would be my MIL )

I will not be the wife who falls into the dynamic where my role in being a wife to the husband basically involves 'taking care of him like another child'.

I have not carefully read all responses, so I am not thinking that this has been brought up.... Most if this seems to be directed at women. But, personally, I see a HUGE issue with men who have issues with seeing their wife only as the 'mother' role. They were raised and taken care of by their mommy... and that is the role they see for women.. especially when kids enter the picture and the woman, out of necessity, has to be almost engulfed in that role 24/7......

I THINK THAT IN MANY, MANY, CASES... THE MEN ARE COMPLICIT, IF NOT THE REAL CAUSE, OF THE WOMAN HAVING TO BE CAUGHT UP IN THE MOTHER-VS-WIFE SITUATION.

My husband was raised by his MIL this way.... She was the all important, do everything, you worship me forever, mother... Who did not raise him to be independent, or to have the kind of relationship with another woman (a wife) that he should.

He was young when we married... He is younger than me.
I am the only one who had been totally independant and self-sufficient for any length of time before our marriage.

He honestly does not seem to have a much different perspective between a woman's role as a wife and a woman's role as a mother.

WE have made a LOT of progress on this! But still, it is often easy for him to want to dismiss any real obligation as an adult male father/husband... and just kind to think that I am here to take care of things. (just like mommy and daddy always did)

It is something that we still work on.

As one poster did mention... a VERY important observation....
We should all be aware of our roles, and how our relationships and expectations are having a huge and permanent effect on on our children, and their futures as adults, and wives, husbands, mothers, fathers.

 

[goofyernmost]

I have not seen one poster that said kids are temporary.

They are 2 completely different things, with different goals. My relationship with dh is intended to make the glue stronger and my relationship with my kids is intended to make the glue looser. Kids are temporary. I'm entrusted with them for a short time, to prepare them for a life on their own where they will raise there own family. Dh is my partner for the duration. While I'm training my kids to pull away from me a little more each year, dh and I are standing strong together and pulling closer.

I was responding to the above post #7.

 

[indimom]

There are parts of each role that I love and parts of each role that are a duty. But, I love 'em enough to complete the duties while enjoying the parts I find fulfilling. Is that clear as mud??

 

[NY Disney fan]

NYDF, can you be more specific (if you're comfortable) about what it is you're having trouble with? Or wondering about? I had to read your question over and over again before I could think about my answer. It is a little vague. I'm wondering if these answers are helping you or making you feel worse?

The answers are not making me feel better or worse. Everyone is different and I'm trying to find the root of a problem. When I was married I stopped caring about being a wife as soon as I got pregnant. After I had the baby I stopped being intimate with my husband. Then I realized that I I put my kid over him in many things. He eventually divorced me for another woman, which hurt at the time but I didn't see a future with him. He's marginally involved with our daughter, even now. Five years after divorce he only sees her once a month. I'm just wondering if I could be a good wife to someone else, without having the same feelings I had with my ex-husband.

 

[SaraJayne]

I was responding to the above post #7.

Oops, you're right. I missed that. I guess I didn't take that literally, which is probably why I breezed over it.