Serious question for married women who are moms

[Colleen27]

I ask this seriously and without snark - what is it that I should be giving my husband? What "stuff" isn't left over?

I guess I just cannot see how taking time with the kids takes away time with my husband. Physically, sure, but the majority of the time we do things as a family. However, no matter how involved I am in the kids, there is never anything that lacks with DH.

I am just really curious b/c a lot of the responses on here have left me wondering what I am missing - what is it that as being a mom, takes away from being a wife?

For me, it is energy. With three kids, sometimes things just pile up and by the end of the day I really don't feel up to being the wife DH would like to come home to. He wants to talk about his day, have a real dinner, have sex, etc. and I just want to get bedtime over with so I can fall into bed. I'm a major introvert and not a kid person by nature, so while I love my children very much sometimes taking care of their needs all day leaves me very drained and just wanting to be alone to decompress. Fortunately DH is very much the same way at times so he understands that need, as I do when he's had one of those days, and as I said in my first post we both feel like as long as those times are the exception rather than the rule we are doing well.

 

[BensDaddy]

Really. Well, how did you guys manage to have a 6 year old child, if it has been 10 years since you had sex?

(grin) We go by the smoke detector or drivers license rule. If I change the batteries in the smoke detector it's about time to be intimate. When I renew my drivers license... Well now it's a party! (I am making light - our intimacy is infrequent at best, but it does happen periodically)

 

[Tiger926]

Such an interesting thread.

It seems like some posters assume that some posters are very extreme in how they balance these relationships.

Just because I spend more time doing physical things for my kids, especially my little guy, it doesn't mean I am making my kids my whole world. Absolutely not!

Like I said, I wear many hats, but on a daily basis, I am a spouse, mother and teacher. Some days, some of those require more attentiveness than the others, but it does not mean that I am making my kids my whole world, just because I give them a bit more of my time and attention at this stage of our lives.

As I mentioned, it's difficult to manage or balance all of those some days, but I am still teaching my kids to be independent so that one day, they will grow and set out on their own.

As I mentioned, it's not black and white for me as it seems to be with some other posters. As a family of 4, we do pretty much everything together, so we have lots of awesome family memories, and although hubby and I don't really go out on dates and such, we communicate with each other on a daily basis, do almost everything together and are best friends. Because we are best friends, we understand that some days, we are exhausted due to all of the other hats we wear, and just because we can't spend quality time together at that moment, it doesn't mean we don't love and care for each other.

It's rather refreshing for hubby and I to both feel exhausted some days, as we can just cuddle up with each other, and fall asleep in each other's arms knowing that tomorrow will bring a new day of challenges, that we will both face together.

Honestly, we don't compare our marriage to anyone else, and that really helps us in knowing what is working and what needs to be worked on, as it's a custom made relationship that is only shared by us!

Tiger

 

[Scurvy]

Really. Well, how did you guys manage to have a 6 year old child, if it has been 10 years since you had sex?

In an earlier post in this thread he said that they are physical maybe once or twice a year. Apparently there are lots of marriages like that. I saw someone on some morning show recently talking about "sexless marriages", which are marriages where the couple is intimate ten or fewer times a year. That is apparently more common than most people realize, because most couples in marriages like that just don't talk about it to others.

 

[KimR]

It's been like this for about 10 years. I'm accustomed to it. I don't mean to sound snarky, my point was not to complain or to sound like I was complaining. Rather to explain that there are a lot of different ways that marriage works. Admittedly mine isn't ideal... It isn't what I expected when we said I do, but it is working for our family. More importantly, it beats the alternative.

This is how I feel as well (though our issues are very different).

 

[leebee]

Words aren't always necessary, but the perfect or close to it tone is alive and well on the DIS, IMHO. Sometimes it's subtle, and other times it's blatant, and most of the responses on here are not indicative of the women I know. None of us feel that our husbands come first, and that our kids are only temporary. I will wear the title of mother forever, and with that title comes years of huge responsibility, such as when kids are babies, and less responsibility as they grow, to being an entirely different relationship when they leave our home and start their own families.

In my realistic world though, most of us don't have enough time in the day, so our marriages are put second, a lot of the time. A baby needs to be fed and changed, and in that respect, the child will come first, but other times, the marriage comes first. But when you have small children and a professional career at the same time, for most every women I know, our marriages are second at this point in time.

This whole idea that the marriage is more important than the children is an idea that I have only read about on here, and for me it signifies some idealized vision of some perfect romantic movie type of marriage, as in my very busy world, this is an impossible level to achieve, but there are many posts on the DIS which intimate that this is what most marriages are like this or should be like this, and I will disagree with that. Hubby are very busy with our careers and the children, so we share in that busy life together, and most of the time we are exhausted together, and that is the way it is for most all of the other couples we know who are in similar life situations. We don't get to go out together, have never been away without the kids, and spend most days working out a balance of marriage, family and career that has its ups and downs in all of those areas.

Tiger

Couldn't have said it better myself DH and I have led somewhat separate lives for as long as we've been together. He spent the first 10 years of our relationship getting his MS, PhD, and doing a post-doc. His days were spent teaching and in classes, his evenings doing research in the lab and writing papers and grants. My days were spent working full-time, my evenings taking care of house-things and getting some sleep. After DD was born I was able to stay home until she was half-way through third grade, and my days focused on child rearing, homeschooling, and home-keeping; DH was establishing his professional career, teaching, doing research, writing papers and grants, grading, advising, being a dad. We have almost always taken separate vacations, partly because we prefer different kinds of things, partly because if I waited for him to be able to leave work behind and go on vacation together, we'd go away about once every five years. (DD and I even go visit MIL without DH... )

And yet, it works. Neither of us is interested in leaving, or finding anyone else to grow old with. DD is now off to college and my responsibilities are fewer, but DH's grow with taking a second job to pay tuition. However, we still make time to sit together every evening, as we always have. I cook while DH sits at the peninsula, sharing his day. (DD's stool is sadly empty now that she's in college.) We always have dinner together, and then I sit and we continue the conversation while he does the dishes. Many nights I go to bed hours before he does, and some nights we sleep in different locations due to medical considerations. I cannot say that I have been a mom first and spouse second, or vice versa, as our schedules allowed for time to be each, separately, at separate times. People are often puzzled by our marriage, but I know that my marriage is rooted in compatibility and emotional intimacy, if not physical. He will always be there for me, and I for him. As I said, it works for us.

 

[mhsjax]

I ask this seriously and without snark - what is it that I should be giving my husband? What "stuff" isn't left over?

I guess I just cannot see how taking time with the kids takes away time with my husband. Physically, sure, but the majority of the time we do things as a family. However, no matter how involved I am in the kids, there is never anything that lacks with DH.

I am just really curious b/c a lot of the responses on here have left me wondering what I am missing - what is it that as being a mom, takes away from being a wife?

I can't believe this is something you have never heard of, lots of women complain about it. I think there are a lot of factors. HOw many kids you have, the ages, your husbands personality.

I know we have 3 kids very close together. When the last one was born he had some medical issues and he was one miserable baby. I had 3 kids 4 and under, there was NO time left for DH. Too tired for conversation or anything else. Lots of fighting du to the stress. That was 10 years ago, completely different now. Kids are older and self sufficient, I have lots of energy left over to have a conversation or "other" things with DH. DH is also a partner in childcare, so many spouses do most of the work. This can leave a woman drained, or sometimes a woman may just put too much energy into her kids, with is also wrong.

To anser the OP's question, I love both. I was a wife first for 11 years, our relationship of 1st, this is what is wrong with so many kids now, they think they come first. WRONG. Kids will leave home and then you need to be able to still have a relationship with your spouse, if you put all your energy into your kids, that relationship won't be there.

 

[Poohforyou]

Being a wife and mother are just a part of who I am. They're important part but not ones that exclusively define me.

For me it's always a balancing act. My child's "needs" always come 1st w/o question. However, her wants will sometimes take a backseat to dh or me. That's the way life works & the earlier a child learns that the better. As for my dh he's well taken care of & is smart enough not to lodge any complaints .

I also make sure there's time for me which is important in the equation of a happy fulfilled life.

 

[ilovemk76]

It's been like this for about 10 years. I'm accustomed to it. I don't mean to sound snarky, my point was not to complain or to sound like I was complaining. Rather to explain that there are a lot of different ways that marriage works. Admittedly mine isn't ideal... It isn't what I expected when we said I do, but it is working for our family. More importantly, it beats the alternative.

I am confused. You said that your sex life basically stopped when your son, 6, was born. Now you are saying it happened 10 year ago and you are only now going to turn 40, so sex stopped when you were still in your late 20s?

That is definitely not ideal.

 

[BensDaddy]

It works for us. Her lack of sex drive doesn't mean that I love her any less.

 

[okeydokey]

I am confused. You said that your sex life basically stopped when your son, 6, was born. Now you are saying it happened 10 year ago and you are only now going to turn 40, so sex stopped when you were still in your late 20s?

That is definitely not ideal.

If both parties are happy with it, then it is not a problem. There are many ways to be together and be supportive of each other. If one or both people are unhappy with this arrangement, then some work needs to be done, but maybe they are OK the way they are.

 

[SpecialK]

I am confused. You said that your sex life basically stopped when your son, 6, was born. Now you are saying it happened 10 year ago and you are only now going to turn 40, so sex stopped when you were still in your late 20s?

That is definitely not ideal.

It may not be ideal for you, but if it works for them then it's not a problem.

 

[SaraJayne]

I didn't say that my marriage isn't what I think it should be. I was just stating rather matter-of-factly what it is, and that we have learned to live with it.

You're right, my apologies.

 

[stargazer2892]

DH and I are in the stage where we are parents first. Mostly because we don't have time. We both work full time and DS is almost 6 months. We do make sure we have one day off together and that night is our sit down and play video games together for an hour or so and have a beer (or three. We take turns, so one of us can always drive if need be). It sounds completely dorky but it's our one "us" night a week. And we do try to get a babysitter once a month to go out and do something just the two of us. However, we are parents first right now and we are both o.k. with it.


We have known each other since we where 13 so we have been pretty much anything label you can give a person at one time or another (yes, even ex. We tried dating in high school.) so this is just another stage in our ever evolving relationship. Once DS is older and doesn't depend on us for everything then we can go back to wife/husband first but for now we are parents.

We also work together which adds a whole different aspect of our relationship .I wold never in a million years tell anyone that it's a good idea, and it was hard at first when we had just started dating now we have a system worked out and it's not as bad. I don't think that our way is better then anyone else's, I think marriage is hard and you have to constantly work on it, just as being a parent is hard.

 

[Minnesota!]

I didn't say that my marriage isn't what I think it should be. I was just stating rather matter-of-factly what it is, and that we have learned to live with it.

I have a SIL with a marriage that sounds a lot like yours...intimacy is NOT a part of their marriage. Intimacy, for them, was for trying to conceive only, and once they had their (one) child, that aspect of their marriage was over. It works for them. All marriages are based on different things...whatever makes it work!

I think there is a direct correlation between you never feeling too spent to give you dh what he needs and the fact that you two get an hour every single work day to talk to and concentrate on each other. That hour is a gift that many couples do not have.

I would also add that another gift you have is that both of you want to and do talk to each other. I know plenty of couples in which it seems like over time, the man has just "shut down" and wants to come home to watch tv or play video games while the woman is consumed with transporting her kids to/from activities.

Oh, I agree, now that I think about it, that the hour we do share, really does make a difference. I guess I just never really thought about couples that don't have that time together first.

I can't believe this is something you have never heard of, lots of women complain about it. I think there are a lot of factors. HOw many kids you have, the ages, your husbands personality.

I know we have 3 kids very close together. When the last one was born he had some medical issues and he was one miserable baby. I had 3 kids 4 and under, there was NO time left for DH. Too tired for conversation or anything else. Lots of fighting du to the stress. That was 10 years ago, completely different now. Kids are older and self sufficient, I have lots of energy left over to have a conversation or "other" things with DH. DH is also a partner in childcare, so many spouses do most of the work. This can leave a woman drained, or sometimes a woman may just put too much energy into her kids, with is also wrong.

To anser the OP's question, I love both. I was a wife first for 11 years, our relationship of 1st, this is what is wrong with so many kids now, they think they come first. WRONG. Kids will leave home and then you need to be able to still have a relationship with your spouse, if you put all your energy into your kids, that relationship won't be there.

I have heard some of my SAHM friends complain about it, in that when dad gets off work and comes home, he is "off duty" and she is still "SAHM". But honestly, I really have not heard anyone (in my circle) talk about having a hard time balancing wife/mom duties. Or maybe I am just not listening. I guess I have never defined myself by mom/wife/friend/partner, etc. I am just me. I am me with a husband and sons. Not much changed (other than lack of sleep and less money) when I took on those titles...

 

[BensDaddy]

Thanks for understanding all. Don't get me wrong, I am male... So I would be delighted for her to suddenly decide that she wanted to be intimate more often, but reality is she is in her mid 40s, we've been married nearly 11 years... She is who she is and I love her no matter what. I guess to me, It is normal. I appreciate the thoughtful messages though! Sorry to get off-topic. Didn't mean to divert attention from the OP.

 

[BensDaddy]

I feel like a thread-killer. Sorry everyone.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, I don't feel like you are a thread killer... But you did kind of take it off-topic a bit with your situation!

IMHO, I do not know if I would find your situation as normal, or okay, or 'it is what it is'.
IMHO, you seem to find it too easy to just brush it off, sweep it under the rug, and even defend it.

Why would your wife avoid or refuse physical intimacy????

I am sure that there may be valid reasons...
And, I would want to look into and address those..
IMHO, it is not okay for a wife (or either partner) to just take such an important aspect of a marriage/relationship and say... "That's the way it is."
No other answers or explanations or compromises
One owes their spouse a lot more than that.

You have never mentioned any real reasons that your wife might be this way.
Physical issues...
She is not really heterosexual...
Other?????

And, in fact, I find it very telling that your username indicates your identity ONLY as your role as a father.
(I find it just as telling when a woman does this with her username.)

As we have been mentioning on this thread, in response to the OP's initial question, there is more to life, and more to being a whole and healthy person, than being a parent.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I don't see you as a thread killer. I backed out as soon as people started criticizing other people on this thread.

 

[sparklynails23]

My wife and I are best friends - but sometimes it seems like that's all we are. We are ok with that. She does a great job being a phenomenal mom and caring for the house when I'm gone (I travel a lot). We talk every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. We Skype all the time.

We just aren't physical anymore. At all. Maybe once or twice a year. It used to really bother me, but I've come to realize that everything else is so much more important. So I don't think that these questions are as black and white as they seem. Every couple has their challenges, and with each couple they are different. I can't imagine ever leaving my wife -- certainly not over something as trivial as physical intimacy. I value the time at home with she and my little boy way too much to split up. That's just one component of who we are and (shrug) we've come to terms with it. I still treasure our time together and can't wait for each new Disney vacation! So things can't be that bad.

DH and I are the opposite. We've found that when the physical part of our relationship is healthy, everything else seems to fall into place. Sometimes it's better than others. When the kids were younger, we were just really tired. To each his own.