Saying grace...

[GeorgeG]

I thought I'd ask this since the holiday season is upon us and a lot of people tend to get religious for their two or three times a year.

I'm not a religious person... at all. When we are at dinner at other peoples' houses or functions and they choose to say grace I usually take the opportunity to politely excuse myself and go wash my hands or something while they get grace out of the way. I just don't do it, but that's me. When dinner is at my house, I prefer that grace not be said and some people respect that. They can always pause for the thought for themselves without making a big deal about it.

However, there is always someone who insists of doing a formal grace, even if it's not their home and they are offended when I object to it in my home. My attitude is that if they must pray, they should take it outside... all the way home if they want.

I was wondering how others in my situation handle this. I expect to be dealing with it Thursday. Oh, and I'm not the kind of guy to keep my mouth shut when something bothers me.

For those of you who know I play in a church band and are confused, that's strictly business for me. They accept that I don't join hands and pray with them, as they do every time we rehearse or play.

 

[helenabear]

Personally, having gone through everything I have with my faith, I would think it would be rude for you to get up during grace. In my dad's house it is said and then every one digs in immediately after. I know my SIL is not a believer and she just sits there quietly. I would suggest you do the same instead.

However, when I go to another's place and they do not say grace, I would never take it upon myself to do it anyway. I quietly will sit there or look over at my DH and we "say it" together (we have a standard we say so we just look at each other and say it to ourselves in our head, not outloud)

I think it is about respecting the host. If they want to say grace and you do not believe, just sit qiuetly and mentally ignore it. If I go somewhere and they don't do it, I would be shocked if someone else actually tried to impose their beliefs on the host.

There have been points in my life when I didn't believe in God. I would sit quietly during grace and just not take part of it. THe only part I could really be a part of was being grateful that I had so many good family and friends in my life. I'm sure most feel that way at some point, without feeling like it has to be religiously based.

 

[TDC Nala]

I don't understand what's wrong with just sitting there and listening to them do their prayers. Maybe you could hum the Star Spangled Banner silently in your head or something until they're done.

And please, it's totally fine to do what you want at your house, ("I would prefer that no prayers be offered out loud in my home" is okay with me) but if you're in another person's home and this is something they do in their home traditionally, please try to keep your mouth shut.

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree completely that if it's your house, you have the right to not say grace if you choose. OTOH, I do think it's a little rude of you to excuse yourself to wash your hands or whatever when you're a guest in someone else's home when they want to say grace. Just like you say they can have that moment of silence on their own if they're in your house, couldn't you just sit there (and ignore it if that's your perspective). JMHO, you can certainly go whatever you choose.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I guess it depends on your level of tolerance. I'm not much of a group prayer person myself. But I can sit silently for the 15 seconds it takes for grace, out of respect for the others I'm going to spend the holiday with.

 

[Zippa D Doodah]

As far as what goes on at your house, that is completely up to you to stop people from praying there if you wish. Me personally, I would probably find that a bit odd and likely wouldn't be coming back to your house to eat, but that's not the point. When dining in someone else's home maybe instead of excusing yourslef from the table when people are praying you could do something a bit less showy and just bow your head and not pray, or silently look out the window or something . When I have eaten with people of other religions and it has come time for something ritualistic that did not match my spiritual convictions I have just tacitly not participated while remaining seated.

 

[liamsaunt]

We don't say grace in my home, but I would never get up from the table at someone else's house if they wanted to say grace before the meal. That just strikes me as incredibly rude! It's easy not to participate if you don't want to--just sit quietly. If they ask you to say the grace, just say you would prefer not to. You don't have to say why, and they should not press you for your reasons. That would be rude too!

Now, if they take 20 minutes to say grace, or start speaking in tounges at the table or something, then I would say you might have cause for objection. After all, the food would be getting cold! Otherwise, I'd find something more important to battle over.

 

[smartestnumber5]

I would definitely stand strong at your own house. Are these people who know you well? I would think it would be a little rude for them to even suggest saying grace if you're the host and they know how you feel about it. Maybe you can make them a deal--you all say grace together and then you all recite a philosophical argument showing that God doesn't exist. Are they family members (especially old family members)? I feel like not much can be done with them. My grandfather still asks me now and then if I went to church that week--and I've been an atheist all of my adult life. He also likes to throw in "I'll pray for you" when I remind him about being an atheist. Lately he's been guilt tripping my mom trying to get her to watch mass on TV with him (he's way to sick and weak to leave the house to go to mass) and to start going back to church; she's been having issues with the Catholic Church in the past few years and has stopped going, plus even when she did go regularly she still had no desire to watch mass on TV! But she keeps thinking "he's going to die soon and I won't even watch mass on TV with him."

I've never thought of excusing oneself to the bathroom when others say grace in their own house. I guess it does seem a little bit rude, but I guess I don't think it's completely inappropriate--especially if it's the kind of grace which they expect you to take part in.

Luckily even though my family is religious they never, ever say grace. Probably cuz we're Italian--what Italian has the patience to pray before eating when there's 10 lbs of food on the table waiting to be gobbled down?!

 

[tw1nsmom]

We aren't religious at all, and I think what you're doing is rude. We don't say grace and if I were at someone elses home I would either remain silent, quietly meditate, or review my grocery list in my head. Only if they were insistent that I actively participate would I politely excuse myself, or politely refuse.

On Thanksgiving, we'll go around the table and say what we're thankful for. We won't be thanking God per se, but just acknowledging the good things in our lives. Maybe you could do the same. If someone wants to thank God, so be it. You don't have to. Or, you could take the bull by the horns and say, "let's take a minute and silently think about what we're thankful for." People can then choose to pray to themselves, or think about the piece of pumpkin pie they'll be eating later.

 

[bubie2.5]

I never say grace, but in family dinners someone always says it. Those of us that don't say or believe in it, just sit quietly until it's over.

When in my house, they're always welcome to say grace. I understand their need to do it and as much as I want them to respect my beliefs, I need to respect theirs also. But what I do at home, is choose who's the one that's going to say grace, I have a cousin that's eloquent but very to the point, that's usually the one I pick.

I don’t feel the need to leave a room where prayer is being said, it’s not like I’m going to melt or something like that.

 

[Daxx]

I don't understand what's wrong with just sitting there and listening to them do their prayers. Maybe you could hum the Star Spangled Banner silently in your head or something until they're done.

And please, it's totally fine to do what you want at your house, ("I would prefer that no prayers be offered out loud in my home" is okay with me) but if you're in another person's home and this is something they do in their home traditionally, please try to keep your mouth shut.

Yep! I agree! Don't be rude in someone else's home. In our house, we'd hold up on saying grace until you returned to the table. That's just the way it works here.

If I were in your home and you said "We're not saying prayers, just dig in ... well, I'd just say a quicky prayer in my head (as nobody would ever know), not do the whole sign of the cross thing, and dig in.

If you came into my house and said "I'm not doing this" then I'd prob. show you the door. Respect the rules of my house as I would respect the rules of your house.

 

[Pop Daddy]

If its at there house or there buying you politly go along,(as to make them feel comfortable) if its at your house or your buying they should go along with your ways, and if they want to pray do so silently as to not make you feel uncomfortable. Its all just a matter of being curtieous to the host.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Personally I sit quietly and politely even if it is my home.

We are trying to make it a habit to say a meal blessing daily. But we often forget.

I am uncomfortable with Thanksgiving blessings and going around to say what you are most thankful for b/c I feel like a big ol' dork. But I am polite and suck it up and do my best.

Asking your guests to leave is a bit over the top IMHO.

 

[Beth76]

I agree that it's rude to excuse yourself. Unless you can get out right before they start and they don't notice you're gone. I always just bow my head and remain silent during grace. Now, at MIL's house they hold hands during grace. I absolutely abhor that and I always try to hold my son so that my hands are full. If I can't get out of it, I will go wash my hands again before eating.

 

[chobie]

Personally I sit quietly and politely even if it is my home.

We are trying to make it a habit to say a meal blessing daily. But we often forget.

I am uncomfortable with Thanksgiving blessings and going around to say what you are most thankful for b/c I feel like a big ol' dork. But I am polite and suck it up and do my best.

Asking your guests to leave is a bit over the top IMHO.

ITA. I just go with it. If its important to my friends to say grace, then its not a big deal to me. I have to admit though, when I see people in a restaurant making a big deal at of bowing their heads and letting everyone know they are saying grace, I have to

 

[auntpolly]

ITA. I just go with it. If its important to my friends to say grace, then its not a big deal to me. I have to admit though, when I see people in a restaurant making a big deal at of bowing their heads and letting everyone know they are saying grace, I have to

You know some people who do it are sincere. They just aren't embarrassed and worry, like I do, that people will like you do.

 

[teacherforhi]

I am uncomfortable with Thanksgiving blessings and going around to say what you are most thankful for b/c I feel like a big ol' dork. But I am polite and suck it up and do my best.

You could just be honest like my niece. At preschool this week, they were supposed to bring in what they were most thankful for for show and tell. My lovely niece decided she was most thankful for her Pez dispensers.

 

[auntpolly]

My lovely niece decided she was most thankful for her Pez dispensers.

This is so funny and adorable at the same time!

 

[chobie]

You know some people who do it are sincere. They just aren't embarrassed and worry, like I do, that people will like you do.

I meant in my mind. If I would be kind of enough to go along with saying grace at people's houses and when people come to my house, I would be kind enough to not make strangers uncomfortable either. In fact, I think I'm more considerate then my Christian friends who know I'm not but insist on going thru the ritual in my presence anyway.

As for the sincerity, maybe the are and maybe they aren't but the more people have to announce their religion thru bumper stickers and public displays, the more I question their sincerity.

But nice of you to just isolate that part of my comment and not the part wher I said if its important to my friends then I go along with it.

 

[themarquis]

I'm pretty much on the same page with you re: prayers. I'm always sitting there while other people do blessings scheming about how to get out of it (the hand washing trick is a good one lol).

The problem -- for me, at least -- is that if everyone else is saying prayers and I just sit there silently with them (thinking about how good the food looks or whatever) then I will appear to be tacitly in agreement with the whole idea of prayer. In fact, many people at the table might just assume I'm praying right along with them. Now .... this disturbs me more than a little bit. Not that they are praying -- I don't care about that. But that I could be construed as praying. Also, I just plain feel uncomfortable when its going on. I don't understand it, I don't agree with it, and I don't want to participate in it, either willingly or tacitly. I'm sure some of you who pray at meals might feel similarly if you were eating with a family who believed something radically different than you and , say, had you sit down on the floor, point toward the direction of mecca, and bow your head to the floor before eating. That would make you uncomfortable, right?

Unfortunately, I do agree with the other posters that there's a politeness issue, so its pretty hard to get away with getting up and going in the other room or something (as much as I'd like to). But ... absolutely should you not have prayers in your own house if you don't want to. When everyone sits down, just start serving, and they'll get the idea!

I usually compromise by sitting silently, not bowing my head, and staring straight ahead. Then I figure I in no way seem like I'm praying, but am not being rude, and also can have my own little silent peaceful resistance going on at the same time!