SAHM Vent

[LBIJim]

I'm clearly in the minority in this thread because I'm a working mom. However I am going to express my opinion.

OP, you probably feel defensive because you know some of what they are questioning is true. Somehow working moms manage to work all day and still get things done like cleaning, cooking, running kids to activities, etc. I will own up to the fact that I'm definitely one of those people who question SAHMs with school age children.

Oooohhhhh, one of those "I'm better than you" working moms who manages to get it all done.

 

[RachaelA]

Oooohhhhh, one of those "I'm better than you" working moms who manages to get it all done.

And its their first post!

 

[Colleen27]

I'm clearly in the minority in this thread because I'm a working mom. However I am going to express my opinion.

OP, you probably feel defensive because you know some of what they are questioning is true. Somehow working moms manage to work all day and still get things done like cleaning, cooking, running kids to activities, etc. I will own up to the fact that I'm definitely one of those people who question SAHMs with school age children.

While I'm sure there are supermom types out there who really do it all, that isn't the norm in my experience. There are only so many hours in the day at often something has to give - participating in fewer things, lowering standards for cooking and/or cleaning, hiring help, etc.

When I was a working mom, and when I was growing up with a working mom, having 50+ hours of the week pre-determined certainly cut into the time available for other things. I didn't have time for my huge gardens and canning (which are more hobby than chore). I had to say no to more volunteer opportunities and kids' activities. I felt guilty if DH & I wanted a little time to ourselves when we had so little family time available. There just wasn't enough time left that was 'mine' to do the things I wanted to do with my kids, and while I still got some cooking, cleaning, and running around done it wasn't nearly what I'm able to do now.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

I've been on both sides of the fence. When I don't work, my house is a lot cleaner, I volunteer more, and the whole family is more relaxed. When I do work, we have more money and a different style of living.

 

[Be Enchanted]

I once had a dental hygienest asked me what I did all day. I was in a really bad mood and told her "keeping people like you employed". The next time I requested not to have her and the office asked me why, I told them. They asked if I would talk to the dentist. I did and told him that her asking that was rude, and I am sure she thought she was just making conversation as well. Turns out she had been fired for being rude to other patients, saying the same stuff, and the dentist was furious with her and fired her. His wife is also a SAHM so he totally got what we did all day, and he was grateful that I came in at 11am vs trying to take appts that others needed after school, work or on the weekends.

LOL!!! I love your response to the hygienist.

My mom once had a snooty hygienist who was making her feel bad for having a cavity, etc. My mom said "it's a good thing we don't all have perfect teeth like you, or you'd be out of a job".

 

[Coonhound]

I'm clearly in the minority in this thread because I'm a working mom. However I am going to express my opinion.

OP, you probably feel defensive because you know some of what they are questioning is true. Somehow working moms manage to work all day and still get things done like cleaning, cooking, running kids to activities, etc. I will own up to the fact that I'm definitely one of those people who question SAHMs with school age children.

The problem with being a working mom is you can't do it all, something has to give. Stay at home moms are able to get all the household stuff done throughout he day and really be there for their kids with quality time when school is over. Working moms come home and still have to get the cooking and cleaning and laundry and everything else done, so they don't have as much time or energy to spend with the kids. Let's face it, after work you're usually tired and you still have a ton of stuff to do. Stay at home mons are generally more prepared to invest in their kids when school is done for the day.
This isn't meant to be mean to working mothers, it's just a fact...your time is very limited and something doesn't get the full attention it needs- whether it's playing with the kids, cleaning the house etc - something has to be put on the backburner because there aren't enough hours in the day and let's face it you simply don't have the energy.

 

[U2_rocks!]

The problem with being a working mom is you can't do it all, something has to give. Stay at home moms are able to get all the household stuff done throughout he day and really be there for their kids with quality time when school is over. Working moms come home and still have to get the cooking and cleaning and laundry and everything else done, so they don't have as much time or energy to spend with the kids. Let's face it, after work you're usually tired and you still have a ton of stuff to do. Stay at home mons are generally more prepared to invest in their kids when school is done for the day.
This isn't meant to be mean to working mothers, it's just a fact...your time is very limited and something doesn't get the full attention it needs- whether it's playing with the kids, cleaning the house etc - something has to be put on the backburner because there aren't enough hours in the day and let's face it you simply don't have the energy.

That's why some of us who earn enough hire some help. Also, it helps to not be a perfectionist or a neat freak - I can stand a fair amount of clutter as long as my house is at least hygienic!

 

[bettymae1121]

I've never understood "wondering" what SAHMs do all day when the kids are in school. Doing household chores, cooking, running errands, volunteering, enjoying down-time/hobbies all seem like things most SAHMs would do. It's not exactly a mystery to me, and I don't understand why others would be so curious about it.

 

[Coonhound]

That's why some of us who earn enough hire some help. Also, it helps to not be a perfectionist or a neat freak - I can stand a fair amount of clutter as long as my house is at least hygienic!

Thanks for not taking offense to my post, and understanding that I wasn't trying to say moms can't/shouldn't work...just the fact that no one can do it all, something has to slide. When I was young both parents worked full time. Our house was always messy- not dirty or unsafe, but just messy. Because my mom and dad both said "we have to work, and when we get home we are going to play with our kids, read to them, help with homework, go out to the park, etc- we aren't going to use that valuable time to keep the house super clean". And I think that was a good choice. You can't do it all, no one can, so you have to let something go.

 

[gwynne]

That's why some of us who earn enough hire some help. Also, it helps to not be a perfectionist or a neat freak - I can stand a fair amount of clutter as long as my house is at least hygienic!

And that's the bottom line. There are only so many hours in a day, how you spend them is up to the individual family. Basically you can do it yourself, or you can outsource the work.
I don't think one is better than the other. They both are aimed at getting the job done. Whether the issue is child care, cooking, cleaning, transport, lawn work, repairing cars or whatever, families will select the option that works best for them currently.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

That's why some of us who earn enough hire some help. Also, it helps to not be a perfectionist or a neat freak - I can stand a fair amount of clutter as long as my house is at least hygienic!

I've had help. That's one more thing to work into the schedule at this point. The pack of kids always at my house would be tough to clean around, too.

 

[U2_rocks!]

I've never understood "wondering" what SAHMs do all day when the kids are in school. Doing household chores, cooking, running errands, volunteering, enjoying down-time/hobbies all seem like things most SAHMs would do. It's not exactly a mystery to me, and I don't understand why others would be so curious about it.

It's just that people who do most of those chores and hold down a full-time job know that they don't take up all day, every day - or at least they don't need to. I guess if you have all day to do chores, you don't have to be efficient about it. Time management isn't quite as important.

I understand that days can be filled quite easily - it's just a matter of priorities what you fill your day with. Some choose to have a showpiece-condition home - that takes a lot of time. Others choose to do volunteer activities. Some women have social meet-ups, or exercise every morning, or spend time looking for the best grocery deals. I can't do any of those things as a working mom, and sometimes I wish I could. But then again I know myself well - I think I'd get really lazy if I didn't have a reason to be up early and out of the house every day.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

In my experience that shifts the load more than it lessens it. Yes, there is one less person in the house to make lunch for and chase after during the school day. But there are also a lot of activities, responsibilities, and volunteer commitments that start up with the new school year and adjourn over the summer, so quite a bit of of that new free time is filled right from the start by homework, sports practices, and volunteering at school and in the community. For me, the start of the school year is more a rearranging than any glut of newly freed time - housework that used to get done on weekends or in the evening evening moves to the mornings because I no longer have kids around during that time, while homework and sports and PTO meetings and such fill in most of those newly freed evenings.

Kids are on swim team & have lessons in the Summer. Additionally, we have a pool & don't trust the kids to swim alone yet. Their activities actually slow down come August, so in our scenario, a SAHM would definitely have it easier once school started. Every family is different though.

 

[U2_rocks!]

I've had help. That's one more thing to work into the schedule at this point. The pack of kids always at my house would be tough to clean around, too.

We've had the same cleaning lady for 25 years. We leave a key for her in a certain place, she comes and does what she has to do and leaves - usually no-one is home. She cleans better than I do and is absolutely trustworthy. When the kids are home during vacation she works with them to get their closets in order, throwing out old stuff and donating the too-small stuff that's still good. She has known them since birth and has no problem shooing them out if they get in her way, or making them pick up behind themselves. She's not just a contracted service - she's acted as their babysitter at times when they have been home, and they see her as an authority figure. I guess it works for our situation, but I'm sure it doesn't work for everyone.

 

[BlueEyedGirls]

Okay...I don't get your vent. Really...washing your hair?

I am a teacher, I work 12 hour days. I wash my hair every day, even take a shower, cook dinner, shop, workout, and work full-time.

I know if I stayed home and didn't have kids at home all day, I would have free time.

I don't feel sorry for you...So, what are you going to do with your day, besides posting on the DIS?

I don't recall asking for your sympathy, and kudos to you for balancing all the things in your life, but for the same reason I don't ask you why you choose to work 12 hours a day, I don't think I have to justify to you (or anyone else) what I do with every minute of my day.

Sometimes, I do NOTHING! I mess around on the computer and post on here or watch mindless reality TV shows, but when school is out, I am there to pick up my kids every day and if I'm needed in their class, I'm always there - and I like that (and so do they) and that's important to me.

This is absolutely not meant to be a SAHM vs working mom debate - my point was simply that this is a "to each their own" situation and while I said I completely give props to working parents (ESPECIALLY my single mom friends), and staying at home may be easier in a lot of ways, it still deserves some credit.

 

[stargazer2892]

It's a silly world when NO MATTER what you do NOTHING is good enough for some people, you get criticized for being a SAHM, I get criticized for working 20 hours a week because "I could never leave my children" (Never mind they are with DH, who "babysits" them) . I wish moms would just stop judging other moms so harshly all the time, no one is perfect. And if your well enough off to be able to afford help, that doesn't mean you love your kids less then anyone else, or if your a SAHM mom you love your kids anymore then anyone else.

 

[Art 1]

My youngest started Kindergarten last week and I also have a 4th grader, so both my kids are in school "full time". Already, I am so tried of the "what are you going to do with ALL your time" questions and the "I would be so boooored" comments from other people. Really?!

I have a college degree and worked FT when my youngest was little. I chose to stay at home when my 2nd daughter was born, and I don't think that just because they are now at school 6 hours a day, I have to justify what I do with every minute! Even my husband is making little obnoxious comments. The laundry doesn't wash itself, and the food doesn't miraculously deliver and cook itself, and would it be OK if I just washed my hair once in awhile without hearing someone scream?! I know those are all things that working moms have to do too, and I honestly don't know how they do it, but my husband's job requires long hours, and most of all that is on me. I'm fine that, but a little credit would be nice.

I realize I'm being a little defensive and maybe I could clean out some closets or the garage or scrub the tile floor, but when is just being a mom (even if they're at school) good enough? I am the co-chair of the book fair at school, I volunteer in the classroom and lunch room, and I have a small (but sometimes busy) etsy shop, so I don't feel like I'm doing nothing, but the little comments are starting to get to me.

Anyway, just venting...thanks for listening

I would surround myself with other people. Those question aren't normal in my mind for someone to ask another person. Or, don't tell people you don't know well your business.

 

[Mkrop]

Okay...I don't get your vent. Really...washing your hair?

I am a teacher, I work 12 hour days. I wash my hair every day, even take a shower, cook dinner, shop, workout, and work full-time.

I know if I stayed home and didn't have kids at home all day, I would have free time.

I don't feel sorry for you...So, what are you going to do with your day, besides posting on the DIS?

You are a teacher, huh? Well gee what do you do all day? How hard could it be to teach kids? How nice it must be to only work during school hours and have 3 months off? Must be nice to have such a nice cushy job? You get planning periods so that is plenty of time to get it all done. Oh you say you work 12 hours? Gee what are you doing during that time? Sounds like you might not be that efficient in your job if other teachers can leave when school is over?

Did any of that bother you? Was any of that inaccurate? Was any of that any of my business? Was any of that rude?

This is why you dont ask what someone does all day, you most likely have NO CLUE!

And for the record I think teachers are awesome and work very hard, and most work longer hours than they get credit for. My statements above were ONLY to prove a point.


ETA and most of the teachers at DSs' schools are VERY grateful for the SAHMs who give of their time to help, so I am even more surprised that a teacher would post this.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm just going to throw this out there because I'm feeling a little reckless...

Until relatively recently, the role now called SAHM was traditionally referred to as either "housewife" or "homemaker". These titles were more descriptive of the nature of the tasks and it was simply understood that effectively running a household and managing a family was a full time job. I don't remember anybody ever asking me what I planned to do with my time after DS went to school - child care was just one aspect of my responsibilities.

For the record, those were also the best years of my life. I took a great deal of satisfaction out of a tidy, well-organized house, a happy, healthy husband and child and the contributions I was able to make to our community. Super-woman be damned - I'm sure not even close to being able to keep all those balls in the air now that I work 50 hours a week.

 

[BlueEyedGirls]

You are a teacher, huh? Well gee what do you do all day? How hard could it be to teach kids? How nice it must be to only work during school hours and have 3 months off? Must be nice to have such a nice cushy job? You get planning periods so that is plenty of time to get it all done. Oh you say you work 12 hours? Gee what are you doing during that time? Sounds like you might not be that efficient in your job if other teachers can leave when school is over?

Did any of that bother you? Was any of that inaccurate? Was any of that any of my business? Was any of that rude?

This is why you dont ask what someone does all day, you most likely have NO CLUE!

And for the record I think teachers are awesome and work very hard, and most work longer hours than they get credit for. My statements above were ONLY to prove a point.


ETA and most of the teachers and DSs' schools are VERY grateful for the SAHMs who give of their time to help, so I am even more surprised that a teacher would post this.

Beautifully said!