SAHM Vent

[JennaDeeDooDah]

My daughter started school a week and a half ago. I'm a stay-at-home mom and she is our only child. I'll tell ya, I never realized how much faster I can clean the house with her at school. I'm a bit nutso about the cleanliness of my house and take a lot of pride in it. Well, the first day my daughter went to school that I cleaned (which was her second day of school since my husband took her first day off and we spent the day together), I got that house cleaned up in half the time. I had no idea how much of my time was taken up by pausing to work on a puzzle, color a page or two, play a short game, or read a book. So now, my house is even cleaner than it originally was. I like that. And I'm able to work on the yard during the day which is something I never felt comfortable doing while she was at home. This makes it so that our family has more family time on the weekends rather than mowing, edging, and weeding the flowerbeds for 3 hours. And I've started a women's fellowship group at the church that I host once a week and am able to spend time during the day working on our Sunday School lesson, rather than working on it in the evening. I also volunteer in my daughter's classroom as a room mother.

I saw an interesting episode of Dr. Phil a while back where a man was claiming that women had anywhere from 30 to 40 hours of leisure time each week that we were not aware of (I was never able to figure out if this meant just SAHM or if working moms were included in that group) and women were irate at this claim. But, then it became clear that he and the women were using two different definitions of "leisure" here. If I'm being honest, with my daughter at school, I do have more free time than I did when she was here with me. I am able to devote more of my time to the activities I listed above. I'm not just sitting around contemplating my navel, though (okay, I am currently just sitting here posting on the Dis). And I like it. I like that I am able to do all of those things and I am also able to drop them at a moment's notice and pick up my daughter if I get a call that she is running a fever. I think that the women who are asking you what you do all day likely fall into one of two categories. Either one, they are genuinely curious because they have a job and aren't able to stay home or they have kids who will one day start school and are looking for ideas... or two, they honestly think that once the kids go off to school, you will drop them off and head home to do nothing more than watch Dr. Phil and post on the Dis. If you are finding activities to fill you time that you are really enjoying, tell them about it. If they fall into the first group, they'd likely enjoy hearing about it. If they fall into the second, at least you can use it as a teaching opportunity to let them know that you are working, just not the kind of job that has a steady paycheck. And that's okay, too.

 

[barkley]

when my kids went back to school (now down to just one) things always got much busier for me. there was keeping track of what was going on with them school wise (and juggling their often different schedules), scheduling in homework time (go and hunt for the supplies you didn't know your kid needed until the night before a project was due supplies), figuring in the evening/weekend events the school had going... laundry kicked into high gear (fewer school clothes than comfy clothes so between them, gym clothes and nightly vs. summer season every other night showers/baths more frequent laundering), planning and preparing breakfasts and lunches (much more free range in the summer and never had to be packed such that it was edible several hours later), starting to schedule doctors/dentists appointments around school demands....it all added up.

yes-I also did all that when I was a full time employed mom, but it was different, not good different or bad different just different-and I can appreciate the time demands in both situations. when I was employed I commuted about an hour each way-sahm, I crept along the road in front of the school waiting to just get into the drop off lane for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon (I traded my morning news station on the radio for endless repeats of Alvin and the Chipmunk songs). those chipmunks take a toll on your soul yup, I wasn't dealing with needy, screaming, demanding clients-but my kids could get as bad (and I didn't have the luxury of a security guard to escort them off the premises).

op-there's going to be an adjustment period for your whole family. the kindergartener will be adjusting-and that's going to take time from your day that you've used for other things. 4th grade is a big change from 3rd (so much more expected of them) so you may see more time taken in the late afternoons/early evenings for homework. you may find that the routine you had is shifted so while the kids are not at home you'll be doing things during the day that you previously did evenings/weekends. after things settle a bit you may hit that realization that 'hey, I can do x, y, AND z in a couple of hours uninterrupted vs. over the course of 2 days' so you might find yourself with more free time, or you might find yourself discovering things around the house that you want to tackle that eat up that time. find what works best for you and your family-and don't let people's negative comments get to you .

 

[barkley]

My daughter started school a week and a half ago. I'm a stay-at-home mom and she is our only child. I'll tell ya, I never realized how much faster I can clean the house with her at school. I'm a bit nutso about the cleanliness of my house and take a lot of pride in it. Well, the first day my daughter went to school that I cleaned (which was her second day of school since my husband took her first day off and we spent the day together), I got that house cleaned up in half the time. I had no idea how much of my time was taken up by pausing to work on a puzzle, color a page or two, play a short game, or read a book. So now, my house is even cleaner than it originally was. I like that. And I'm able to work on the yard during the day which is something I never felt comfortable doing while she was at home. This makes it so that our family has more family time on the weekends rather than mowing, edging, and weeding the flowerbeds for 3 hours. And I've started a women's fellowship group at the church that I host once a week and am able to spend time during the day working on our Sunday School lesson, rather than working on it in the evening. I also volunteer in my daughter's classroom as a room mother.

I saw an interesting episode of Dr. Phil a while back where a man was claiming that women had anywhere from 30 to 40 hours of leisure time each week that we were not aware of (I was never able to figure out if this meant just SAHM or if working moms were included in that group) and women were irate at this claim. But, then it became clear that he and the women were using two different definitions of "leisure" here. If I'm being honest, with my daughter at school, I do have more free time than I did when she was here with me. I am able to devote more of my time to the activities I listed above. I'm not just sitting around contemplating my navel, though (okay, I am currently just sitting here posting on the Dis). And I like it. I like that I am able to do all of those things and I am also able to drop them at a moment's notice and pick up my daughter if I get a call that she is running a fever. I think that the women who are asking you what you do all day likely fall into one of two categories. Either one, they are genuinely curious because they have a job and aren't able to stay home or they have kids who will one day start school and are looking for ideas... or two, they honestly think that once the kids go off to school, you will drop them off and head home to do nothing more than watch Dr. Phil and post on the Dis. If you are finding activities to fill you time that you are really enjoying, tell them about it. If they fall into the first group, they'd likely enjoy hearing about it. If they fall into the second, at least you can use it as a teaching opportunity to let them know that you are working, just not the kind of job that has a steady paycheck. And that's okay, too.

I also like have more relaxed times in the evenings and on the weekends. when I left my employment I was faced with the same questions from my former co-workers that the op is getting now. I just reminded them of how we would sit at lunch and universally talk about how we were planning on having to use x number of our vacation days to do projects around the house, take the kids to doctors/dentist check ups, and every weekend we were running to the grocery store and/or power cooking large batches of food we could heat during the week b/c between commuting, running errands and such we didn't get home until 6 or so. we would lament about walking in the door to immediately get the laundry going, and get the house picked up, and get the homework going.....then I would tell them that I was going to be doing those things during what had been my employment hours-and I could accomplish them such that I had the leisure of evenings and weekends more relaxed. I look back, and while I received 5 weeks of paid time off from my employer every year (vacation, float and comp time)-MAYBE 1 week of it was ever used relaxing (and rarely in a full week chunk-it was one day here, another day there), and weekends were always very busy. over time I've had former co-workers through choice or circumstance become sahms-and after doing it for a time they frequently determine that they are never at a loss of things to do.

 

[SLP958]

Okay...I don't get your vent. Really...washing your hair?

I am a teacher, I work 12 hour days. I wash my hair every day, even take a shower, cook dinner, shop, workout, and work full-time.

I know if I stayed home and didn't have kids at home all day, I would have free time.

I don't feel sorry for you...So, what are you going to do with your day, besides posting on the DIS?

Kindred spirit.

 

[Colleen27]

No need to get defensive as I'm sure even you would admit having the kids at school DOES lessen the daily burden. Not to say you don't have a pretty full plate, but there IS one ess thing on there now that school is up & running.

In my experience that shifts the load more than it lessens it. Yes, there is one less person in the house to make lunch for and chase after during the school day. But there are also a lot of activities, responsibilities, and volunteer commitments that start up with the new school year and adjourn over the summer, so quite a bit of of that new free time is filled right from the start by homework, sports practices, and volunteering at school and in the community. For me, the start of the school year is more a rearranging than any glut of newly freed time - housework that used to get done on weekends or in the evening evening moves to the mornings because I no longer have kids around during that time, while homework and sports and PTO meetings and such fill in most of those newly freed evenings.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

SAHM, Working Moms, whatever label you want to give, you do need to structure your time well. That is a given, everyone knows this and it is not some super secret.

My recommendation for the hair issue is to get your hair trimmed every 6 weeks by a good stylist. I am telling you, it really can make a difference with how you feel about yourself. I know that sounds dumb, but I swear by it.

When someone asks "what are you going to do with your day", really they are just trying to chat you up and you can easily say, I have got a large list of things I am working on. Then move on.

 

[okeydokey]

I think the only person you have to worry about understanding what you do with your days is your husband. The decision for one person to stay home and one to earn all the money should be made together and both people need to be supportive of the other.

A friend at work has a stay at home spouse with one child in school and one three year old at home. They agreed to a division of labor when she quit her job after baby number 1 that they both thought was fair. Once both kids are in school he expects to renegotiate that division and feels that the house should be cleaner and she should take over the cooking (right now he does all the cooking, as was the agreement).

Maybe you and your partner should sit down and discuss the new schedule and division of labor.

 

[marthachick]

Chicken houses. Are those like chicken ranches? Sounds lucrative.

They are at least 15,000 square feet and house several thousand chickens. Some are for egg production and some are raised for meat. They can be somewhat lucrative but are very labor intensive. You have to tend the chickens 7 days a week. And usually are only without a flock for a few weeks out of the year. Those weeks are usually spent preparing the houses for the next flock.

 

[Nancyg56]

I had that happen all the time when I was home with the kids. and it really was hard not to take it personally. But, my family loved that I was home, and my husband was ecstatic. He told me one day he had no idea what I did all day, but that he did know he did not want to do it. LOL! I am working part time now, have no kids, and my DH has been trying to "offer" suggestions for me for an at home job..... you know....so I could have the best of both worlds. LOL

OP- you hold your head up. There is no perfect solution for a family, and no matter which path you choose,. a Mom has a very difficult job with challenges unique to her choice. There will always be those "Wonder Women" who believe that their choice is the optimal one that every family must abide b, or children will face evils of every kind, so do not even dignify them. Just say you are wicked busy and smile. Or if you were snarky like I was, I said I did not do a darn thing all day.

 

[HelenePA]

When they ask you what your going to do all day just tell them you're going to do whatever you want.. that usually shuts them up quickly. I'm looking for a job now.. but I was home all of last year when they were in school. It was NICE! After 4 kids and all that chaos.. Yep. I did whatever I wanted last year while they were in school... I did NOT feel guilty about it at all! I also baby sat for parents who worked when they needed (for free) and when their kids were sick I'd watch them then too (again for free).

 

[gwynne]

I think the only person you have to worry about understanding what you do with your days is your husband. The decision for one person to stay home and one to earn all the money should be made together and both people need to be supportive of the other.

A friend at work has a stay at home spouse with one child in school and one three year old at home. They agreed to a division of labor when she quit her job after baby number 1 that they both thought was fair. Once both kids are in school he expects to renegotiate that division and feels that the house should be cleaner and she should take over the cooking (right now he does all the cooking, as was the agreement).

Maybe you and your partner should sit down and discuss the new schedule and division of labor.

Might be one of those different strokes things.

They could just pitch in as a team, adjusting as time warrants. I think I'd die laughing if DH called a meeting for us to negotiate our division of labor. And if he had specific degrees of cleanliness expected, I'd just tell him where the windex is. But that's me.

 

[tajz90]

My youngest started Kindergarten last week and I also have a 4th grader, so both my kids are in school "full time". Already, I am so tried of the "what are you going to do with ALL your time" questions and the "I would be so boooored" comments from other people. Really?!

I have a college degree and worked FT when my youngest was little. I chose to stay at home when my 2nd daughter was born, and I don't think that just because they are now at school 6 hours a day, I have to justify what I do with every minute! Even my husband is making little obnoxious comments. The laundry doesn't wash itself, and the food doesn't miraculously deliver and cook itself, and would it be OK if I just washed my hair once in awhile without hearing someone scream?! I know those are all things that working moms have to do too, and I honestly don't know how they do it, but my husband's job requires long hours, and most of all that is on me. I'm fine that, but a little credit would be nice.

I realize I'm being a little defensive and maybe I could clean out some closets or the garage or scrub the tile floor, but when is just being a mom (even if they're at school) good enough? I am the co-chair of the book fair at school, I volunteer in the classroom and lunch room, and I have a small (but sometimes busy) etsy shop, so I don't feel like I'm doing nothing, but the little comments are starting to get to me.

Anyway, just venting...thanks for listening

When anyone asks me I just simply reply that I lay on the couch eating bon bons and watching tv all day. Don't let it bother you.

 

[Be Enchanted]

I'm clearly in the minority in this thread because I'm a working mom. However I am going to express my opinion.

OP, you probably feel defensive because you know some of what they are questioning is true. Somehow working moms manage to work all day and still get things done like cleaning, cooking, running kids to activities, etc. I will own up to the fact that I'm definitely one of those people who question SAHMs with school age children.

 

[HelenePA]

When anyone asks me I just simply reply that I lay on the couch eating bon bons and watching tv all day. Don't let it bother you.

I'm already out of bonbons and they've only been back at school for one day

 

[quandrea]

Been there, done that. It starts the first day of kindergarten and I don't think it ever stops. Eventually you learn to just ignore it.

One thing I've noticed is that most of the comments come from people who have fairly predictable, reasonable work schedules. My friend who is married to an OB understands completely, as does the friend whose husband runs a shop here in town. It is the friend who is married to a teacher, the one whose husband works for the county on a strict 8-to-4:30, etc. that have the most to say. And who knows, maybe I would be bored if I had a husband who was home every night to take on some of the responsibilities of homework and activities and dinner and bedtime. But as it is my husband is in business for himself and needs to work when there's work to be done. Sometimes that means getting a room near the job site when the commute isn't feasible, sometimes it means working from dawn to dusk. He helps when he can but I can't count on specific days or times so I need to be available.

This really sums up my life and also the lack of understanding some two income families may have. My dh is on call for work all the time as a business owner. My being at home allows him that. I am in charge of everything on the home front. I guarantee you that I work harder at home on my quietest day than I ever did on my worst day as a teacher. My dh knows he can book anything for work without consulting my schedule. The kids and house are mine to handle. If I worked his earning potential would be greatly diminished.

I'm clearly in the minority in this thread because I'm a working mom. However I am going to express my opinion.

OP, you probably feel defensive because you know some of what they are questioning is true. Somehow working moms manage to work all day and still get things done like cleaning, cooking, running kids to activities, etc. I will own up to the fact that I'm definitely one of those people who question SAHMs with school age children.

I homeschool so my kids are never gone but I think the tone of your post really speaks to how little our society values a parent at home. When one of our kids are sick we can be there at a moment's notice. No juggling schedules or personal days. Our kids come home to a parent at three o'clock. I am a firm believer in the value of quantity time with children. Our society unfortunately is quick to disparage those parents who make being at home a priority.

To the op. Some people will get what you do for your family. The vast majority will not. Ignore them and get on with your work. As for washing your hair. I get it. I haven't gone to the washroom alone in ten years. Not complaining. Quitting work to put my family above all else was the best decision I ever made.

 

[U2_rocks!]

I'm clearly in the minority in this thread because I'm a working mom. However I am going to express my opinion.

OP, you probably feel defensive because you know some of what they are questioning is true. Somehow working moms manage to work all day and still get things done like cleaning, cooking, running kids to activities, etc. I will own up to the fact that I'm definitely one of those people who question SAHMs with school age children.

Truthfully though, as a working mom, I need a certain amount of downtime or I get too stressed. So as long as I am working I will hire myself some household help so that I don't have to spend as much of my evening and weekend time doing household chores. It's already enough that when I get home from work I have to help with homework, figure out what we're eating for dinner, get the grocery shopping done a day or two per week, try to get in a workout etc. - no way would I be doing laundry or cleaning the house on top of that! By a certain time of night I am settled down with my kindle - I NEED that! My brain works hard during the day and I need time to rest it by reading and relaxing a little. If I had chores to do at night I would either have to sacrifice relaxing time or sleep. I am lucky that my job pays enough that I can afford to hire some help.

If I were a stay at home mom I would not have the household help - I would get ALL the chores done during the day, and would only have homework help and the finishing touches on dinner to do in the evening. My life would be more relaxing, I know it would. I might even be able to join the dance class I had to quit because there just weren't enough hours in the day! Unless of course I took on other activities like volunteering or helping out other moms - then my evenings might start to resemble what they are now as a working mom. It all depends on how you choose to fill your day. Because I treasure my "me" time, I would not overschedule myself during the day if I didn't have a job to go to - I would make sure I had time to keep my own house in order. But having said that, household chores are SO BORING and I would need something else to do to break up the monotony. No way could I just be around the house all day every day. I would plan things to do after dropping off the kids, and I would plan things to do around pick-up time too (no school bus). So realistically I wouldn't be home all day.

 

[Mkrop]

Been there, done that. It starts the first day of kindergarten and I don't think it ever stops. Eventually you learn to just ignore it.

One thing I've noticed is that most of the comments come from people who have fairly predictable, reasonable work schedules. My friend who is married to an OB understands completely, as does the friend whose husband runs a shop here in town. It is the friend who is married to a teacher, the one whose husband works for the county on a strict 8-to-4:30, etc. that have the most to say. And who knows, maybe I would be bored if I had a husband who was home every night to take on some of the responsibilities of homework and activities and dinner and bedtime. But as it is my husband is in business for himself and needs to work when there's work to be done. Sometimes that means getting a room near the job site when the commute isn't feasible, sometimes it means working from dawn to dusk. He helps when he can but I can't count on specific days or times so I need to be available.

As far as your husband's comments, that's a fall ritual around here. Mine understands that the housekeeping standards are going to be a bit more lax during the summer when the kids are here day in and day out, but always seems to think I'll jump all over deep cleaning once they head back to school. And usually I do... but not until a week or two into the school year. The first week is a break for me, a time when I just want to enjoy not having a herd of children in the house (I have 3 of my own, but there are 6 currently making a play-doh mess in my living room!). And fall is also harvest/canning season so I keep pretty busy with that, busy enough that scrubbing the floors and sorting the outgrown toys/clothes might wait until Oct or Nov.

This is what happens around here. DH travels a lot and sometimes has meetings that run longer than expected in another state. It is hard for him to guarantee he is going to be there when the school bus arrives or even to pick up from practices. Most of the parents that I see working are the ones who have pretty consistent hours. His eyes were open a little when we had such a bad winter and there would have been no one here for DS11. There were days that DS16 even wound up at school and DS11 did not.. When he got snippy one day, I asked him who would stay home today and the day before when DS was sick, and he said you, I had a meeting. I said really my boss would have loved that...he got the message.

I'm clearly in the minority in this thread because I'm a working mom. However I am going to express my opinion.

OP, you probably feel defensive because you know some of what they are questioning is true. Somehow working moms manage to work all day and still get things done like cleaning, cooking, running kids to activities, etc. I will own up to the fact that I'm definitely one of those people who question SAHMs with school age children.

Really there lots of moms who do it all but around here there are plenty with housecleaners, lawn services etc and I get asked a LOT to take kids to and from practices bc mom and dad are working or are running late from work.

I think just like asking someone if they are pregnant is rude, so is this question. It is none of your business. I dont ask you what you do all day.

I once had a dental hygienest asked me what I did all day. I was in a really bad mood and told her "keeping people like you employed". The next time I requested not to have her and the office asked me why, I told them. They asked if I would talk to the dentist. I did and told him that her asking that was rude, and I am sure she thought she was just making conversation as well. Turns out she had been fired for being rude to other patients, saying the same stuff, and the dentist was furious with her and fired her. His wife is also a SAHM so he totally got what we did all day, and he was grateful that I came in at 11am vs trying to take appts that others needed after school, work or on the weekends.

 

[quandrea]

This is what happens around here. DH travels a lot and sometimes has meetings that run longer than expected in another state. It is hard for him to guarantee he is going to be there when the school bus arrives or even to pick up from practices. Most of the parents that I see working are the ones who have pretty consistent hours. His eyes were open a little when we had such a bad winter and there would have been no one here for DS11. There were days that DS16 even wound up at school and DS11 did not.. When he got snippy one day, I asked him who would stay home today and the day before when DS was sick, and he said you, I had a meeting. I said really my boss would have loved that...he got the message.



Really there lots of moms who do it all but around here there are plenty with housecleaners, lawn services etc and I get asked a LOT to take kids to and from practices bc mom and dad are working or are running late from work.

I think just like asking someone if they are pregnant is rude, so is this question. It is none of your business. I dont ask you what you do all day.

I once had a dental hygienest asked me what I did all day. I was in a really bad mood and told her "keeping people like you employed". The next time I requested not to have her and the office asked me why, I told them. They asked if I would talk to the dentist. I did and told him that her asking that was rude, and I am sure she thought she was just making conversation as well. Turns out she had been fired for being rude to other patients, saying the same stuff, and the dentist was furious with her and fired her. His wife is also a SAHM so he totally got what we did all day, and he was grateful that I came in at 11am vs trying to take appts that others needed after school, work or on the weekends.

All said more eloquently than me. You're my kind of woman.

 

[Laura66]

I'm clearly in the minority in this thread because I'm a working mom. However I am going to express my opinion.

OP, you probably feel defensive because you know some of what they are questioning is true. Somehow working moms manage to work all day and still get things done like cleaning, cooking, running kids to activities, etc. I will own up to the fact that I'm definitely one of those people who question SAHMs with school age children.

Oh question away! Sometimes I do way more staying home to raise my children than my husband or working moms. And sometimes I do have way more free time! It was important to my my husband and me that a parent stay home to raise them.
Those days I have free time are definitely a great perk. Having me available to run them to activities or camps or to swim or to just be home so my children and their friends can just hang out here after school or during the summer is great!

I'm looking for something part time right now. And while my children are in college and middle school I will only take something if it allows me to be there for my youngest before and and after school and not have too many day hours during the summer.

I don't question your desire or need to work so I'm not sure why you need to question non-working moms who choose to stay home?

 

[LBIJim]

Just like a few others have suggested, answer with "I do the same as other SAHMs. You know, lounge in a bubble bath for hours while reading Harlequin Romances, watch soap operas and play Candy Crush, go get my nails and hair done, shop for unneccesary things, the usual. And of course eat lots of chocolate bon-bons. When that gets boring I go to a bar and guzzle gin all afternoon. Sometimes, I'm still there when the kids get back from school. Nothing out of the ordinary."