SAHM Vent

[BlueEyedGirls]

My youngest started Kindergarten last week and I also have a 4th grader, so both my kids are in school "full time". Already, I am so tried of the "what are you going to do with ALL your time" questions and the "I would be so boooored" comments from other people. Really?!

I have a college degree and worked FT when my youngest was little. I chose to stay at home when my 2nd daughter was born, and I don't think that just because they are now at school 6 hours a day, I have to justify what I do with every minute! Even my husband is making little obnoxious comments. The laundry doesn't wash itself, and the food doesn't miraculously deliver and cook itself, and would it be OK if I just washed my hair once in awhile without hearing someone scream?! I know those are all things that working moms have to do too, and I honestly don't know how they do it, but my husband's job requires long hours, and most of all that is on me. I'm fine that, but a little credit would be nice.

I realize I'm being a little defensive and maybe I could clean out some closets or the garage or scrub the tile floor, but when is just being a mom (even if they're at school) good enough? I am the co-chair of the book fair at school, I volunteer in the classroom and lunch room, and I have a small (but sometimes busy) etsy shop, so I don't feel like I'm doing nothing, but the little comments are starting to get to me.

Anyway, just venting...thanks for listening

 

[gwynne]

You can smile, and then say "Oh, no worries. I always stay plenty busy."

 

[Laura66]

You can smile, and then say "Oh, no worries. I always stay plenty busy."

That's what I do!

 

[mtemm]

I rarely get those comments, but when I have I just smile and say, "oh really?" and move on to a new topic that we may have in common. no excuses, no listing of all the many things I do in my day, no snark about bonbon eating.

just keep in mind those comments are more about THEM than you. be proud/happy/confident in your choice. the more comfortable you are with your choice, the less what others say will matter to you once you realize it really isn't about you anyway.

 

[MOpGrad2013]

Yeah, what DO we do with our time? I think it's more a what don't we do? And why is it at the end of the day, there always seems to be more left to do?

I am fortunate that we have a preschooler again, but as soon as the older kids hit school age, I was bombarded with volunteer opportunities. I did those and when they added up my hours at the end of one year..1200 hours! I could have had a full time job for all that "keeping busy work." Plus the

This year I have given up ALL my volunteer work, including the church side. I've been painting the house with DS3. But the one who needs my "free" time the most are the college kids and DD16. Some days she comes home and needs more hugs than when she was small.

I answered one person when the question was phrased to me, "Oh, you know, I've decided to hop from cloud to cloud...just see what's out there."

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

You don't have to justify your choices to other people. I've been a SAHM and a working mom and in my opinion, both are tough. I wouldn't even reply when people make comments. It isn't worth the effort.

 

[Colleen27]

Been there, done that. It starts the first day of kindergarten and I don't think it ever stops. Eventually you learn to just ignore it.

One thing I've noticed is that most of the comments come from people who have fairly predictable, reasonable work schedules. My friend who is married to an OB understands completely, as does the friend whose husband runs a shop here in town. It is the friend who is married to a teacher, the one whose husband works for the county on a strict 8-to-4:30, etc. that have the most to say. And who knows, maybe I would be bored if I had a husband who was home every night to take on some of the responsibilities of homework and activities and dinner and bedtime. But as it is my husband is in business for himself and needs to work when there's work to be done. Sometimes that means getting a room near the job site when the commute isn't feasible, sometimes it means working from dawn to dusk. He helps when he can but I can't count on specific days or times so I need to be available.

As far as your husband's comments, that's a fall ritual around here. Mine understands that the housekeeping standards are going to be a bit more lax during the summer when the kids are here day in and day out, but always seems to think I'll jump all over deep cleaning once they head back to school. And usually I do... but not until a week or two into the school year. The first week is a break for me, a time when I just want to enjoy not having a herd of children in the house (I have 3 of my own, but there are 6 currently making a play-doh mess in my living room!). And fall is also harvest/canning season so I keep pretty busy with that, busy enough that scrubbing the floors and sorting the outgrown toys/clothes might wait until Oct or Nov.

 

[HannaBelle]

My youngest started Kindergarten last week and I also have a 4th grader, so both my kids are in school "full time". Already, I am so tried of the "what are you going to do with ALL your time" questions and the "I would be so boooored" comments from other people. Really?!

I have a college degree and worked FT when my youngest was little. I chose to stay at home when my 2nd daughter was born, and I don't think that just because they are now at school 6 hours a day, I have to justify what I do with every minute! Even my husband is making little obnoxious comments. The laundry doesn't wash itself, and the food doesn't miraculously deliver and cook itself, and would it be OK if I just washed my hair once in awhile without hearing someone scream?! I know those are all things that working moms have to do too, and I honestly don't know how they do it, but my husband's job requires long hours, and most of all that is on me. I'm fine that, but a little credit would be nice.

I realize I'm being a little defensive and maybe I could clean out some closets or the garage or scrub the tile floor, but when is just being a mom (even if they're at school) good enough? I am the co-chair of the book fair at school, I volunteer in the classroom and lunch room, and I have a small (but sometimes busy) etsy shop, so I don't feel like I'm doing nothing, but the little comments are starting to get to me.

Anyway, just venting...thanks for listening

OP, TY for the volunteering that you do! As a FT working mom, I appreciate it. Are you saying your DH is not happy about the dishes and the laundry?

I know DH and I went through this when I went from working PT to FT. He had a long commute each day and was gone about 11 hours day. I worked 5 hours a day and had a 10 minute drive. I took care of 90% of everything b/c I could have it done before he got home, then we could spend our evenings relaxing together. Well, when I started working FT it really hit the fan if you know what I mean! He realized how much I had been doing and how much he had taken that for granted.

Not sure how you can get your DH to "see the light" that what you are doing is important and valid. Sounds like a serious conversation is in order before you both develop resentment towards each other.

I am having a pity party this AM b/c my DD16 was in the shower when I left for work this morning, so no "1st day of school" pics for me.

 

[diznygirl]

Hah! How timely. I'm sitting here surrounded by papers as I'm trying to get to all the To Dos - bills, school stuff, and some volunteer stuff. I'm hoping to get it done before they get out of school.

I joke and tell people I'm just enjoying the peace and quiet. And I really am. I might tell them about the volunteer work, but I don't want it to seem like I'm recruiting. If they are serious about knowing, then I do share. If not, I just smile and let them be jealous.

I have to tell you that staying home has been so good for me and my family. I'm lucky we can do this and I don't take it for granted. Don't let them make you feel bad!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

No need to get defensive as I'm sure even you would admit having the kids at school DOES lessen the daily burden. Not to say you don't have a pretty full plate, but there IS one ess thing on there now that school is up & running.

 

[Arielle22]

My nephew is starting kindergarten this week. My sister is planning to be crazy and go to the bathroom without him. That will be followed up by a trip to the GYN.

I worked outside the home while my daughters were growing up but I know that SAH parents (BIL is at home with other nephew) have busy days.

 

[luvavacation]

No one knows your life better than you, and know one knows what fills your day better than you. If being home when your children get home, and being available if one is sick or needs something at school, or whatever, is important, then do that.

There are very few jobs out there that understand that some of us just don't have someone else to rely on for our family and we need to be the one that is available when something happens. You have no need to help others understand why you stay home, just as they don't need to justify their reasons for working. It's all good.

Want to know when it gets harder to justify staying home? When the kids are off to college! I want to get a job, and be amongst adults, but I have yet to find something that satisfies what my wants and desires are.

For example, I just spent 3 days at the hospital with my mom. She has Alzheimer's, and the day she moved in with me, years ago, was the day I received a job offer. Since I couldn't leave her alone, I declined the job. What job will let me stay at the hospital for 3 days with my mom, and understand that her needs are more important than anything else at that time?

For 3 years my mom lived here, and I took her to everywhere - Dr. appointments (so many doctors!), Bingo, shopping, etc. Now she is in a memory care facility, and I still see her every other day, take her where she needs to go, etc.

Then there is my husband. He likes me being home when he comes home, he likes having me here on the weekends, he just seems to like me around (no idea what is wrong with that man ).

We have big dogs that keep me busy, and a large yard with many gardens that I spend a couple hours watering and caring for every day. It is a job in itself.

I am fortunate in that I have 3 close friends in my life that are also SAHMs, and we have been friends since our children were babies. 20+ years later, we still support each other and understand each other, even if relocations and circumstances have taken us further away from each other. Now we are embracing grandchildren, or hoping to in the near future, and we all look forward to being able to help our kids in any way they need. It is good to have like-minded friends for support.

I guess what I am saying is, no matter where you are in life, you will always have something that keeps you busy if you are a SAHM. We don't have a maid or lawn service, we don't have a pool boy (but if some hot guy in a Speedo offered, I would be ok with that), we don't have many things that my neighbours have. But unless someone is living my life, they have no idea how busy the day is. As long as you are at peace with your decision, and you feel your decision is the best one for your family, just smile, thank them for their worry over your decision, and move on past.

 

[JoeyEmmaMomma]

Rude! Hugs!!

 

[HM]

I'm sorry you are hearing that from people.
I've worked full time throughout my kids lives and have a lot of SAHM friends. I never once asked them what they do with their days.

 

[czycropper]

Just smile at these people and say I keep busy-let's see grocery shopping, cleaning, taking the girls to their after school activities with no stress!

I decided to stay home when my DD16 went into 5th grade and my DD14 in 3rd grade after years of being a law firm administrator and boy you should have heard the comments from people. I finally shut some of them by saying "yes, it's wonderful that I don't have to work love my husband!!!" But I said that after all the snarky comments had really gotten to me

 

[DisReno]

Okay...I don't get your vent. Really...washing your hair?

I am a teacher, I work 12 hour days. I wash my hair every day, even take a shower, cook dinner, shop, workout, and work full-time.

I know if I stayed home and didn't have kids at home all day, I would have free time.

I don't feel sorry for you...So, what are you going to do with your day, besides posting on the DIS?

 

[marthachick]

My cousin had 4 kids that she homeschooled. They also had chicken houses and any time anything was wrong with them, she got the call to take care of it 'because she didn't work'. Someone asked her once what she did all day. She told him 'oh I lay on the couch watching soap operas all day while I eat bonbons and pick my nose.' Yeah, he never asked again.

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[U2_rocks!]

People are probably curious. They may not know what it's like to not have a work (or other) commitment while their kids are at school, so they are trying to imagine how you fill your days and may genuinely want to know. You may pick up a hint of judgement from some, or jealousy, but I bet many are simply curious.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

My cousin had 4 kids that she homeschooled. They also had chicken houses and any time anything was wrong with them, she got the call to take care of it 'because she didn't work'. Someone asked her once what she did all day. She told him 'oh I lay on the couch watching soap operas all day while I eat bonbons and pick my nose.' Yeah, he never asked again.

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

Chicken houses. Are those like chicken ranches? Sounds lucrative.

 

[Christine]

OP, if I were you I would not take so much offense by it.

As Gumbo said above, now that your youngest is in school, you definitely should have more free time than you have had and people are often curious as to what your life is going to be like with that change--even your husband!! Heck, sometimes they are just making small talk. I know that I've asked that question before of a friend after her third one went to school and there was definitely no malice behind it.

If you feel the need to justify your time to these people, just say that you are going to work on things that you didn't have time for before--volunteering at teh school, getting your paperwork at home organized, closets, etc. All the things all of us would probably like to do if we had more time and no interruptions--all of which make the household run more smoothly.