Roommate Advice

[mjkacmom]

That really depends on the housing and the rules. Many colleges have where you can move to somewhere else so long as there is availability within a certain time period. It's incredibly early into the semester she moved in like 4-5 days ago. Just like there are cut off dates for dropping out of a class there's usually dates for moving. OP didn't say it was on a lease completely independent of university housing just that it was off campus. There's off campus housing that are still under University rules or not on a set lease. And even if on a lease it's possible to break it especially early on. So just depends on what the rules are.


No one is under any obligation to answer anything but the OP did ask for adult opinions so presumably they are looking for a different perspective than their own and looking to see if what they are doing is something they should continue doing or if they should be doing something differently.

I’ve had kids in 7 off campus apartments, there was no getting out of leases which were a year long. Some were able to be subleased if you could find someone to take over. At all of their universities there were on campus apartments, but all off campus housing was not through the university.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I’ve had kids in 7 off campus apartments, there was no getting out of leases which were a year long. Some were able to be subleased if you could find someone to take over. At all of their universities there were on campus apartments, but all off campus housing was not through the university.

Yeah that nowhere near what is the case here as far as breaking leases (penalties yes but not inability). As I said it depends. Don't just assume you can't. Read the document you signed.

I know my husband experienced weirdness in CA about leases when he was there on assignment for work but not in TX or MD.

Really point is just check. No need for posters to be like..well..we're not the OP, she should at least know what the rules are for her area.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yeah that nowhere near what is the case here as far as breaking leases (penalties yes but not inability). As I said it depends. Don't just assume you can't. Read the document you signed.

I know my husband experienced weirdness in CA about leases when he was there on assignment for work but not in TX or MD.

Really point is just check. No need for posters to be like..well..we're not the OP, she should at least know what the rules are for her area.

I know it can differ, it’s just been my experience that college town landlords do not bend (or give back security deposit’s easily). My daughter’s lease started a couple of months after Covid started, she had a nice apartment fir a year of online classes.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I know it can differ, it’s just been my experience that college town landlords do not bend (or give back security deposit’s easily). My daughter’s lease started a couple of months after Covid started, she had a nice apartment fir a year of online classes.

..Eh..You gotta read the documents you sign, one landlord can be vastly different than another. The house could be contracted out by the University for athletes, the house could be under a management company. Who knows. Plus know your tenant laws for heaven's sake lol. All that matters is what the OP's docs are under As an aside moving out was not just my suggestion, it however is something that if the OP took seriously would of course want to know what their options are.

 

[barkley]

I’ve had kids in 7 off campus apartments, there was no getting out of leases which were a year long. Some were able to be subleased if you could find someone to take over. At all of their universities there were on campus apartments, but all off campus housing was not through the university.

that's the way it's always been at complexes that appeal to college students near us but the demand is so high for housing (any kind of housing) in our region that landlords are allowing people to break leases with no penalties. they've got wait lists of dozens and dozens of qualified rental applicants so they are fine with it. interesting thing that i'm seeing with this though is the changing 'face' of the residents of these complexes-used to be 99 percent college students but now it's more non college students/young families. the apartments meet the housing needs of this population PLUS the landlords are finding that they like not having to clean and repair apartments yearly for new students.

 

[Sinder]

that's the way it's always been at complexes that appeal to college students near us but the demand is so high for housing (any kind of housing) in our region that landlords are allowing people to break leases with no penalties. they've got wait lists of dozens and dozens of qualified rental applicants so they are fine with it. interesting thing that i'm seeing with this though is the changing 'face' of the residents of these complexes-used to be 99 percent college students but now it's more non college students/young families. the apartments meet the housing needs of this population PLUS the landlords are finding that they like not having to clean and repair apartments yearly for new students.

I wish that was that way here. My dd has been searching for an apartment closer to work but all the affordable ones are strictly for college kids. It’s unfortunate we have a housing crisis here where young adults and low to mid income families can’t afford to live here.

 

[AppleDumpling]

That really depends on the housing and the rules.

Yes, of course. I should have said YMMV. Different universities/cities, different rules. There could be many factors involved. But like @mjkacmom, in my experience, it wasn’t easy.

Anyway, OP has only been there a short time. (Around here, most schools haven’t started classes yet, and many won’t move in for another week or two.) IMO, moving should be considered a last resort. I would try to work through their issues first or simply learn to live with it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yes, of course. I should have said YMMV. Different universities/cities, different rules. There could be many factors involved. But like @mjkacmom, in my experience, it wasn’t easy.

Anyway, OP has only been there a short time. (Around here, most schools haven’t started classes yet, and many won’t move in for another week or two.) IMO, moving should be considered a last resort. I would try to work through their issues first or simply learn to live with it.

Well on the one hand you call out posters who say "suck it up" so of course the OP isn't going to come back on and fill in the gaps, on the other hand you say getting out of the place should be a last resort

If the OP is really uncomfortable I'd rather they be able to make the decision themselves to get out of the situation if that was an option and doing it now while they could. That's the OP taking stock of what they can control, they can't control someone else but if there was an ability to move out that is something they can do to make a situation that could work better for them. Not pushing someone who doesn't want it right now and I understand from your comments you're in the "work it out camp" and that's understandable that we would see things differently as I'm not necessarily in that camp.

As far as using another poster's comment, well there's another one who says landlords are so backlogged with people and would prefer non-college students anyhow so breaking leases is no biggie in their area. Like I said before it only matters what is the situation for the OP. We could always find this poster or that poster to say "well but" but really that's not the point, is it?

With that agree to disagree and move on with the moving out talk

 

[handinpocket]

With that agree to disagree and move on with the moving out talk

It's obvious to all of us, that poster had agreed to disagree.......as usual, you just have to have the last word.

 

[Lisa_lvspplmvr]

I definitely don’t think you are just overthinking this like some posters have said . You can easily read people by their actions . No she doesn’t really want to have a relationship with you . I personally would write her a letter . She sounds like that would go smoother than face to face . Let her know you are sorry for the last year that you were in a bad place but now are doing better and on medication to help with that . You have noticed that she doesn’t want to carpool or do things together this year . I would say you just want to get along and not make it uncomfortable for each other . If there is anything you can do to make the year go smoothly please let you know . Also that you are happy to talk with her about this or anything she has concerns with .

It’s really hard having roommates let alone ones you are uncomfortable around . It’s not easy living with people . Hang in there and try to surround yourself with positive people.

 

[disykat]

I was in a similar situation many years ago. She is pretending you don't exist, so I'd let her. As others have pointed out, she doesn't have to be your friend or "pseudo family" because you live together.

However, if anyone asks why you drive separately etc. don't take the fall for it. Simply say "x prefers it this way." You can take the high road and let her live as she chooses, but you don't have to let it taint you. If people continue to ask questions just say "I don't know, you'd have to ask x" and change the subject.

I had to learn to just let it go and not force anyone to "fix" a relationship with me that they don't want. This feels very awkward now, but it is just a small blip in your overall life.

 

[momz]

Yes, they are sharing a home. If they are actually roommates as well, meaning sharing a bedroom, then it’s even worse, and clearly they should try to switch roommates within the house.


Does it matter who owns the house? In this case, all of them are tenants with an equal stake in it. It IS their home for an entire school year, which is just beginning.


Wow, that’s a sexist stereotype.

Here’s the thing. Clearly OP is upset and feeling stress, that if left unresolved, could affect her grades and performance in her sport. It bothers her enough to ask for help. The roommate is going about her business, apparently with no worries.

These two people aren’t strangers, they lived together last year and both made the choice to live together again. OP says everything was fine until admittedly, her personal issues affected others. Seems like she is trying to move past that and make amends. I stick with my original advice. Perhaps OP needs to voice her feelings and attempt to ameliorate the situation, for her own peace of mind.

As has been said, it’s possible to not be friends but still act friendly and respectful towards those you live with. That is what OP should expect from the roommate, nothing more.

Accusing me of being sexist. Well, you are making my case for me. Glad you're not my roommate.

The point is, there are many things that can set a person off. Just like my comment set you off. That was not my intent. But, it is my opinion. It's ok to have an opinion, and I'm ok if your's is differentt than mine. But, throwing out an accusation like that without even knowing me is exactly why college age women have a hard time rooming together. So much sensitivity.

Let it go.

 

[kymom99]

Accusing me of being sexist. Well, you are making my case for me. Glad you're not my roommate.

The point is, there are many things that can set a person off. Just like my comment set you off. That was not my intent. But, it is my opinion. It's ok to have an opinion, and I'm ok if your's is differentt than mine. But, throwing out an accusation like that without even knowing me is exactly why college age women have a hard time rooming together. So much sensitivity.

Let it go.

I’m not trying to fuel any fire, but my step daughter had constant room mate problems until she finally got a private room. She would drive 2 hours home in the middle of the night after a roommate fight.

My son had 4 different roommates. Never a problem, and a couple of them were odd as all get out. He just adapted and lived his life.

Us girls can be emotional. Guys don’t tend to be wired like that. That’s all people are trying to say.

 

[AppleDumpling]

Accusing me of being sexist. Well, you are making my case for me. Glad you're not my roommate.

The point is, there are many things that can set a person off. Just like my comment set you off. That was not my intent. But, it is my opinion. It's ok to have an opinion, and I'm ok if your's is differentt than mine. But, throwing out an accusation like that without even knowing me is exactly why college age women have a hard time rooming together. So much sensitivity.

Let it go.

Yes, you are entitled to your opinion as am I. We have different opinions and that is fine. You made a statement to the effect that a group of young women will always have drama. I disagree, and in my opinion, it is sexist (you didn’t say all college students or all young adults, you said women).

I am sorry if you, your DD, or other women in your circle have had bad experiences with roommates. I probably know just as many that have not had those issues. I don’t have daughters, but in my own experience, it was simply not the case. I lived with as many as 7 other women in college and we managed to get along fairly well, no drama. It was a long time ago, but I don’t believe human nature has changed. Was I was just lucky? Maybe, but I do believe it does a disservice to young women to perpetuate the whole “mean girl” trope, where women can’t live or work together without being catty and competitive.

I don’t believe I am overly sensitive, and not looking to debate you. I reacted to your comment because IMO, it is neither true nor helpful. I gave my honest advice to the OP and hope things work out for her.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I’m not trying to fuel any fire, but my step daughter had constant room mate problems until she finally got a private room. She would drive 2 hours home in the middle of the night after a roommate fight.

My son had 4 different roommates. Never a problem, and a couple of them were odd as all get out. He just adapted and lived his life.

Us girls can be emotional. Guys don’t tend to be wired like that. That’s all people are trying to say.

See my post above.

Yes, we can be emotional. Is that necessarily a bad thing? How often have we heard that women are not suited to hold leadership roles in the workplace or government because they are “too emotional”? Can you see how that way of thinking can be harmful?

 

[momz]

Yes, you are entitled to your opinion as am I. We have different opinions and that is fine. You made a statement to the effect that a group of young women will always have drama. I disagree, and in my opinion, it is sexist (you didn’t say all college students or all young adults, you said women).

I am sorry if you, your DD, or other women in your circle have had bad experiences with roommates. I probably know just as many that have not had those issues. I don’t have daughters, but in my own experience, it was simply not the case. I lived with as many as 7 other women in college and we managed to get along fairly well, no drama. It was a long time ago, but I don’t believe human nature has changed. Was I was just lucky? Maybe, but I do believe it does a disservice to young women to perpetuate the whole “mean girl” trope, where women can’t live or work together without being catty and competitive.

I don’t believe I am overly sensitive, and not looking to debate you. I reacted to your comment because IMO, it is neither true nor helpful. I gave my honest advice to the OP and hope things work out for her.

you're the one who got emotional over this. And you have accused me of being sexist and now I'm a mean girl?

this is laughable. As you are the one who is name calling. Having been a college professor in a predominantly female (not all female) field, I have some experience with college women. There is much drama. And, I hate to point it out yet again, buy your posts are proving my point, I will admit that I am making an assumption here that you are female. If I am wrong, I apologize.

College women are emotional, and it is normal. That is my point. Those emotions boil over and cause roommate problems. I am not criticizing. I'm just pointing out that this is a normal part of transitioning to adulthood, learning how to deal with others with whom you disagree.

Also, I'm not upset with you. As I think your responses to me are defensive posturing on your part. I won't take it personally...although I believe direct name calling is personal.

 

[momz]

I’m not trying to fuel any fire, but my step daughter had constant room mate problems until she finally got a private room. She would drive 2 hours home in the middle of the night after a roommate fight.

My son had 4 different roommates. Never a problem, and a couple of them were odd as all get out. He just adapted and lived his life.

Us girls can be emotional. Guys don’t tend to be wired like that. That’s all people are trying to say.

Exactly my point too! College aged women are naturally more emotional and therefore have more interpersonal difficulties than college aged men. Thanks for sharing your example.

Honestly, I feel for young women. Growing up is hard.

 

[momz]

See my post above.

Yes, we can be emotional. Is that necessarily a bad thing? How often have we heard that women are not suited to hold leadership roles in the workplace or government because they are “too emotional”? Can you see how that way of thinking can be harmful?

This is not the same scenario. The emotional labor in the workplace is not equivalent to the emotional labor at home. Most people are not the same person at work as they are at home. There are different social behavioral expectations at work. There are many many many women in leadership roles. Check out our vice president.

Also being emotional is not a bad thing. It is a normal thing. Young women are learning how to express those emotions, (or mask them, like at work). And because it is a learning process, it naturally causes some roommate problems...sometimes...not everybody, but it is more common in women than men.

 

[AppleDumpling]

you're the one who got emotional over this. And you have accused me of being sexist and now I'm a mean girl?

Okay. First, yes I am a woman. As I said, I have lived with other women as roommates. I’m not upset. I never called you names. It is my opinion that you made a sexist comment. Sorry, I think you have missed my point completely. Oh well.

Honestly, I feel for young women. Growing up is hard.

Agree with you there. It is not always easy for young men either.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I’m not trying to fuel any fire, but my step daughter had constant room mate problems until she finally got a private room. She would drive 2 hours home in the middle of the night after a roommate fight.

My son had 4 different roommates. Never a problem, and a couple of them were odd as all get out. He just adapted and lived his life.

Us girls can be emotional. Guys don’t tend to be wired like that. That’s all people are trying to say.

One of my roommates I had when I was in a 4 person 2 room suite was from LA, she for lack of a better term had culture shock moving to the midwest. She spent more than 2 hours getting ready to go to class and we only had 1 bathroom. For the most part we did well working in showers and stuff but she would get really antsy and not necessarily emotional but just hmm high maintenance about getting ready for class wanting the bathroom. She spent a very long time getting her makeup perfect. That lasted a few weeks when she realized no one really cared much about getting all that ready. I actually rarely saw 2 of my roommates, that one from LA and the other that ended up rushing, we were civil but not friends really. The other roommate her and I ended up living together the next year in an apartment along with another girl and while we hung out and I'd call us friends that sorta soured when she got on academic probation and moved away to be with her boyfriend and then drama ensued back at the apartment whenever she'd pop by.

My husband on the other hand his first roommate snored and all he had to do was sorta kick the guy's legs and he'd be fine. The other roommate second semester was a heavy party guy and technically had his heart stop in the ER and then was drinking the next night. My husband rarely saw either of his roommates although that was largely because he was in engineering. Still though there was like zero issues there. He did have a blip with his roommates when he moved to an apartment because one of them "stole" (he says accidentally) tupperware. Like NBD it's tupperware but it was obvious. There wasn't really drama about that though.

If I had to do it over again I would have repeated my freshman year where I had a double occupancy as a single occupancy, I still met people, still had friends. My intentions were to live with my friends my sophomore year and we did plus another friend my one friend made but after 1 semester one dropped out due to finances the other was diagnosed with severe mental illness and the other had already decided to move to a different dorm to be with her other friend so I got new roommates for the second semester (the one from LA, the one rushing and the other one).