Roommate Advice

[PollyannaMom]

We are hearing one side of the story, and of course the OP is going to slant things to make it sound like she’s the one in the right.

From what the OP says the roommate isn’t very social and is probably an introvert. Yet the OP calls her standoffish and accuses her of purposely sitting across the room and has issues with “how she is acting” That’s the problem with people who aren’t introverts or who are a little more social, they feel everyone has to be that way and if they aren’t they are the bad guy in the situation. Not wanting to be friends doesn’t always equal hostility towards someone.
TBH OP it sounds like you may be a little overbearing when it comes to being friends with this roommate.
It’s clear your personalities don’t gel together, don’t try to force them too.

I agree that the roommate sounds like an introvert, but that doesn't mean she isn't also playing a part in this. Preferring to shop by yourself might be "just being an introvert" (it definitely is for me) but leaving the OP out of a team event is outright rude - no matter what your personality type.

Teasing apart temperament differences versus actual problems here is important, but I do think both are happening.

 

[SirDuff]

I agree that the roommate sounds like an introvert, but that doesn't mean she isn't also playing a part in this. Preferring to shop by yourself might be "just being an introvert" (it definitely is for me) but leaving the OP out of a team event is outright rude - no matter what your personality type.

Teasing apart temperament differences versus actual problems here is important, but I do think both are happening.

Though, in the roommates' partial defense, everyone on the team left the OP out of the team event. Seems that there is more to that story than just the roommate being rude.

 

[Sinder]

I agree that the roommate sounds like an introvert, but that doesn't mean she isn't also playing a part in this. Preferring to shop by yourself might be "just being an introvert" (it definitely is for me) but leaving the OP out of a team event is outright rude - no matter what your personality type.

Teasing apart temperament differences versus actual problems here is important, but I do think both are happening.

She didn’t leave the OP out of a team event, the OP said she isn’t part of the team chat. That’s on the OP not the roommate. The roommate isn’t responsible for making sure the OP is at team events or to make sure the OP knows about them just because the are housemates, that is 100% the OP’s responsibility.
Thinking she’s rude for assuming that someone on the team knows about team events? That’s part of the problem with having expectations of others and not of yourself

 

[kymom99]

Hopefully the OP will come back and fill in some of the gaps soon.

As far as the housing goes, around here there is campus housing where 4 people each have their own room but share a common area. I would almost have to assume that this is campus housing since the OP didn’t know who the 4th person was prior to moving in.

I also have a feeling that last year plays into this more than we might know. If the OP was struggling, that could have been very stressful to the room mate. Maybe she had to keep reminding the OP about things that were going and she’s had enough. She is within her rights to set up boundaries.

 

[wenrob]

Is it just me, but where is everyone assuming the roommate is super passive aggressive?

We only know one side of the story. From what I have read, I understand OP in wanting to make the roommate situation more comfortable, and I think that can actually happen if she just waits it out. She even said that last semester the roommate had had enough of her. No doubt, that left a bitter taste in roommates mouth. Actions speak louder than words. Most people don't just gleefully jump right back into that kind of situation, especially if it was toxic. The introvert is treading lightly, which I understand. She needs time.

To what you may consider passive aggressive:

1. Driving to practice. Do we know if OP is always on time? Or is she someone who is always running late. We don't know.

2. Going grocery shopping. Ok, they bumped into each other at the store. We have no idea if the roommate just stopped in for a quick item or two while running other errands. We don't know.

3. Sitting at the opposite side of the room ... does she really do that, or does it just appear that way to the OP?

I get it, it is so easy for OP to see these things from a slanted opinion because it is happening to her. She wants the relationship to be close, but after last semester the roommate is being cautious. Yes, I absolutely sympathize with the OP. I can understand wanting it to go back to normal -- but again you have to give it time.

We are hearing one side of the story, and of course the OP is going to slant things to make it sound like she’s the one in the right.

From what the OP says the roommate isn’t very social and is probably an introvert. Yet the OP calls her standoffish and accuses her of purposely sitting across the room and has issues with “how she is acting” That’s the problem with people who aren’t introverts or who are a little more social, they feel everyone has to be that way and if they aren’t they are the bad guy in the situation. Not wanting to be friends doesn’t always equal hostility towards someone.
TBH OP it sounds like you may be a little overbearing when it comes to being friends with this roommate.
It’s clear your personalities don’t gel together, don’t try to force them too.

100% agree with both of these. My goodness the roommate not wanting to tailor her schedule to the OP’s can have lots of reasons. I’m extremely introverted and get overwhelmed easily. The more changes you throw at me the more I draw into myself. Even my own sister has accused me of being a snob and “holier than thou” even though she’s witnessed this our whole lives. Introverted people need to acclimate themselves and get into the pool one toe at a time versus diving right in. If someone suddenly wanted me to fill my days to match theirs I’d retreat. Not because I don’t like that person or don’t want to be friends but because well, it’s just a lot for me. The biggest difference between my young self and now is that I have the ability to say “thanks but that doesn’t work for me.” The OP just needs to give it time.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I also have a feeling that last year plays into this more than we might know.

I definitely agree with this part.

 

[Boopuff]

My DD was a DCP a few years ago. She was assigned to a 3 bedroom apartment with 5 other girls. One of the girls wanted nothing to do with the other 5. They had a whiteboard, and all the girls, except A, would put their schedules on the board. That way they knew who would be around. A suddenly just moved out. Didn't say anything to the other girls. But, out of the others, my DD is only in contact with just 1. I can sorta relate to the roomy. I hate being tied to people regarding a ride. I used to carpool to work, but then my work friends would want to go out and my carpool person wouldn't, it got awkward, so I just drove myself. OP, just let it go. If you talk to her, just be honest, and then be done with it.

 

[GreatLakes]

Get back on the group chat so you know what is going on and let the rest go. The more you push the more awkward it will be. It could be she was impacted by something that happened while you were in a bad place, she could be in one herself, or maybe she just flat out doesn't like you and is trying to be nice about it.

I would get back on the group chat so you know what is going on with the team though.

 

[AppleDumpling]

Well you're not sharing a home, you're roommates.

Yes, they are sharing a home. If they are actually roommates as well, meaning sharing a bedroom, then it’s even worse, and clearly they should try to switch roommates within the house.

Yes but this isn't the OP's home, it's where they are currently residing but it's not their home.

Does it matter who owns the house? In this case, all of them are tenants with an equal stake in it. It IS their home for an entire school year, which is just beginning.

But, I can tell you that roommate trouble among college women is the norm. What is weird is when there are NOT problems.

Wow, that’s a sexist stereotype.

Here’s the thing. Clearly OP is upset and feeling stress, that if left unresolved, could affect her grades and performance in her sport. It bothers her enough to ask for help. The roommate is going about her business, apparently with no worries.

These two people aren’t strangers, they lived together last year and both made the choice to live together again. OP says everything was fine until admittedly, her personal issues affected others. Seems like she is trying to move past that and make amends. I stick with my original advice. Perhaps OP needs to voice her feelings and attempt to ameliorate the situation, for her own peace of mind.

As has been said, it’s possible to not be friends but still act friendly and respectful towards those you live with. That is what OP should expect from the roommate, nothing more.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Does it matter who owns the house? In this case, all of them are tenants with an equal stake in it. It IS their home for an entire school year, which is just beginning.

In the context of the comment yes it does. This isn't the OP's home (and turf so to speak) whom she opened up to other people to live in to share the expenditures. If that were the case it changes the dynamic a lot such that I would be suggesting the roommate move out not the OP (which I did mention in my first comment).

Saying "you deserve respect in your own home" is a far cry from sharing non-affiliated housing with other people. Everyone deserves the same respect no one more than anyone in that case. Roommate deserves just as much as the OP.

 

[Sinder]

Yes, they are sharing a home. If they are actually roommates as well, meaning sharing a bedroom, then it’s even worse, and clearly they should try to switch roommates within the house.


Does it matter who owns the house? In this case, all of them are tenants with an equal stake in it. It IS their home for an entire school year, which is just beginning.


Wow, that’s a sexist stereotype.

Here’s the thing. Clearly OP is upset and feeling stress, that if left unresolved, could affect her grades and performance in her sport. It bothers her enough to ask for help. The roommate is going about her business, apparently with no worries.

These two people aren’t strangers, they lived together last year and both made the choice to live together again. OP says everything was fine until admittedly, her personal issues affected others. Seems like she is trying to move past that and make amends. I stick with my original advice. Perhaps OP needs to voice her feelings and attempt to ameliorate the situation, for her own peace of mind.

As has been said, it’s possible to not be friends but still act friendly and respectful towards those you live with. That is what OP should expect from the roommate, nothing more.

Not sure how the roommate is being disrespectful. Not agreeing to take turns driving but offering to give Op a ride as long ad she’s in the car, not going shopping with any other roommate, not making sure the OP knows when her team events are, and not sitting with her are not examples of being disrespectful.

I don’t want to jump on the OP, she’s a young woman trying to navigate this situation but if you are going to call the roommate disrespectful because she doesn’t conform to what your social expectations are for housemates, then you need to call out the OP for feeling entitled to certain things from this person just because she’s her housemate.
It is possible for 2 young women to not get along as friends and live in the same house stress and drama free. Each one just needs to do their own thing and not expect the other to be a part of it. The OP asked for adult advice, accepting that you will come across people who don’t want to spend time with you and not letting it bother you is as adult as it gets.

 

[rigs32]

It sounds to me like the roommate is trying to send a clear message that she wishes to co-exist with OP, but not coordinate schedules/transportation and does not want the expectation of being friends.

We don't know how OP's medical issues affect the roommate last year, but I wouldn't be surprised if she is setting up firm emotional boundaries for their relationship (however deep or shallow) this year.

 

[focusondisney]

Since this is the Dis, where invisible disabilities & kids on the autism spectrum are often sited, I’m surprised nobody has brought that up yet. The OP says her room mate is quiet, shy & standoffish. How do we know she doesn’t have some type of issue that effects how she comes across? Or how she reacts to stress or confrontation. She may be doing the best she can. We don’t even know how she’s interacting with the other 2 roommates.

Also want to point out, the OP said she moved into the house Sunday, the roommate sometime after that. She posted early yesterday (Wednesday) morning. That’s only 2 days. Personally, the OP projecting all these little slights in just 2 days seems like she might be too sensitive or someone who looks for drama.

 

[indimom]

Yes, they are sharing a home. If they are actually roommates as well, meaning sharing a bedroom, then it’s even worse, and clearly they should try to switch roommates within the house.


Does it matter who owns the house? In this case, all of them are tenants with an equal stake in it. It IS their home for an entire school year, which is just beginning.


Wow, that’s a sexist stereotype.

Here’s the thing. Clearly OP is upset and feeling stress, that if left unresolved, could affect her grades and performance in her sport. It bothers her enough to ask for help. The roommate is going about her business, apparently with no worries.

These two people aren’t strangers, they lived together last year and both made the choice to live together again. OP says everything was fine until admittedly, her personal issues affected others. Seems like she is trying to move past that and make amends. I stick with my original advice. Perhaps OP needs to voice her feelings and attempt to ameliorate the situation, for her own peace of mind.

As has been said, it’s possible to not be friends but still act friendly and respectful towards those you live with. That is what OP should expect from the roommate, nothing more.

I don't see how the roommate has been disrespectful in any way, based on the OP's description of events. She's just not riding with or hanging out with the OP. I don't understand how that makes someone rude.

If the OP feels the need to voice her feelings and attempt to ameliorate the situation (which I still don't see what the 'situation' is??)... she can. It's an option she can try. But, that still does not make it the roommate's responsibility to listen to her feelings, respond to her attempts, or to change anything she is doing.

 

[AppleDumpling]

In the context of the comment yes it does. This isn't the OP's home (and turf so to speak) whom she opened up to other people to live in to share the expenditures. If that were the case it changes the dynamic a lot such that I would be suggesting the roommate move out not the OP (which I did mention in my first comment).

Saying "you deserve respect in your own home" is a far cry from sharing non-affiliated housing with other people. Everyone deserves the same respect no one more than anyone in that case. Roommate deserves just as much as the OP.

I agree with you, but didn’t see anyone suggesting that OP owned the house, which of course would be a different situation. I agree that all the roommates deserve respect.

Not sure how the roommate is being disrespectful.

Hard to say. Sometimes tone matters. Maybe she said things in a nasty way? Maybe it’s not intentionally disrespectful, but OP is interpreting it that way? I agree she may be too sensitive. There’s a lot of unknowns. Trying to have some compassion for her. It does seem to me that, for whatever reason, the roommate is giving OP the cold shoulder. And it can hurt to be on the receiving end of that.

If the OP feels the need to voice her feelings and attempt to ameliorate the situation (which I still don't see what the 'situation' is??)... she can. It's an option she can try. But, that still does not make it the roommate's responsibility to listen to her feelings, respond to her attempts, or to change anything she is doing.

And I have said that. Is it healthy for OP to just dismiss her feelings and internalize it? Why not talk about it honestly? Some people prefer to tackle problems head on, rather than avoid them and hope they will go away. I can totally understand trying to nip it in the bud now and work things out amicably, for the sake of harmony in the house. That’s all.

 

[fla4fun]

In the context of the comment yes it does. This isn't the OP's home (and turf so to speak) whom she opened up to other people to live in to share the expenditures. If that were the case it changes the dynamic a lot such that I would be suggesting the roommate move out not the OP (which I did mention in my first comment).

Saying "you deserve respect in your own home" is a far cry from sharing non-affiliated housing with other people. Everyone deserves the same respect no one more than anyone in that case. Roommate deserves just as much as the OP.

I apologize if my comment was unclear. I consider wherever you are living to be your home. It is as much the OP’s home as it is the roommate’s home. I was not trying to imply ownership, or that the OP should be treated better than the other people who live there. They should all be treating each other with kindness and respect, whether they are friends or simply co-tenants. Your home, the place you live, should be your safe space, where you feel comfortable and can relax. It doesn’t seem like either one of these young women are comfortable with this situation. I feel bad for the whole group of them.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I apologize if my comment was unclear. I consider wherever you are living to be your home. It is as much the OP’s home as it is the roommate’s home. I was not trying to imply ownership, or that the OP should be treated better than the other people who live there. They should all be treating each other with kindness and respect, whether they are friends or simply co-tenants. Your home, the place you live, should be your safe space, where you feel comfortable and can relax. It doesn’t seem like either one of these young women are comfortable with this situation. I feel bad for the whole group of them.

I appreciate the clarification, most of what I was responding to was more or less your comments felt like your viewpoint was the roommate was at fault largely here and the comment about being comfortable in your own home made no mention about the roommate or the other 2 that would be living there either even though it's entirely possible the OP is the one making others feel uncomfortable (although that is not meant to sound harsh, given the comment about the team chat there's more going on than being described it would appear) so I guess it made me view your comments as if the OP had more merit than the others living there, again appreciate the clarification.

One thing I did agree with you on which is what I mentioned in my first comment was the OP moving out. Where we differ is that I would not suggest the OP move out because of the roommate's behavior.

 

[AppleDumpling]

One thing I did agree with you on which is what I mentioned in my first comment was the OP moving out. Where we differ is that I would not suggest the OP move out because of the roommate's behavior.

I doubt that moving out is a feasible option for any of them. It’s likely they’re stuck with each other in this living arrangement for the year.

It would be nice if OP posted an update, but I wouldn’t count on it. Most here have basically told her to suck it up.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I doubt that moving out is a feasible option for any of them. It’s likely they’re stuck with each other in this living arrangement for the year.

That really depends on the housing and the rules. Many colleges have where you can move to somewhere else so long as there is availability within a certain time period. It's incredibly early into the semester she moved in like 4-5 days ago. Just like there are cut off dates for dropping out of a class there's usually dates for moving. OP didn't say it was on a lease completely independent of university housing just that it was off campus. There's off campus housing that are still under University rules or not on a set lease. And even if on a lease it's possible to break it especially early on. So just depends on what the rules are.

I wouldn’t count on it. Most here have basically told her to suck it up.

No one is under any obligation to answer anything but the OP did ask for adult opinions so presumably they are looking for a different perspective than their own and looking to see if what they are doing is something they should continue doing or if they should be doing something differently.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I need adult opinions, so I'm asking on here.

I'm 19 and moved into my off-campus college house on Sunday. I have 3 housemates: one who is nice, one who has not moved in yet, and the one this post is about.

I lived with her last year and never had a problem until the last month or so of the year. I was in a really bad place mentally, and I think that she just had enough of living with it. I got medicated over the summer and have been doing much better, and she is aware of that. She didn't talk to me all summer, nor any of our mutual friends and honestly, I thought she might have transferred or moved without telling me until she moved in the other day. I should note that she is a very quiet person in general, a lot of people on the team hadn't heard her speak for almost the entire first year.

So my biggest problem right now is, that we are going to the same place at the same time every day. We are on the same sports team, so we have to go to practice at the same time. Instead of taking turns driving, she leaves without me (doesn't even tell me she is leaving) so we wind up taking 2 cars and there is limited parking, to begin with. When I mentioned going together and rotating who drives she basically was like "I'm driving if you want to come, be in the car before I leave", even though she never says when she is leaving.

She is also super stand-offish, I asked her if she wanted to go to the store and she said no, but then I ran into her at the store. When we do things as a team, she will sit with her friends which is whatever but she purposely makes sure to be on the other side of the room from me.

Yesterday, we had a team lunch that no one told me about (I'm not in the team group chat which is a different issue), and she left without saying anything to me. One of the coaches called me and asked me where I was, and when I told her I was at my house, she was like "your roommate is here, why aren't you".

Am I overthinking this, or should I confront her about how she's been acting? I don't want to create drama in the first week, but I have to live with her for 10 more months so I feel like I might need to address it upfront.

In the first bolded sentence, we really don’t know what “it” was in the “she just had enough of living with it”. That could affect how we respond. What did “really bad place mentally“ actually look like? There are so many possibilities and some of them aren’t too nice. Maybe the roommate was somewhat traumatized by that, idk. It could take time to show her you’re better now, OP (other than her just “knowing your medicated”, which really doesn’t say much, necessarily). You need to be honest with yourself about that, and maybe try to put yourself in her shoes, etc.

To the second bolding, I am glad to see you have some friends, too, and I take it they are also teammates since they are “mutual friends”. This is important. I feared if you didn’t have any friends on the team, this discomfort you’re having (not being part of the group text; roommate with other friends sitting away from you) could cause you to quit, and I hope you don’t do that because of this. People who aren’t familiar with a college sport may underestimate how many hours you have to spend with teammates - at long team practices and other activities, on the road for games, on trips, in hotels, at restaurants, on buses (or vans), even in airports and on airplanes, etc. It’s a lot. (Unless your sport isn’t like that.)

I am perplexed about your not being part of the group text. Not sure how that is acceptable? DS played a sport in college all four years and the players all got along even if they didn’t hang out together after practices or on weekends etc. The coach also arranged all their apartments so those who lived at school all lived together. There were naturally some issues between roommates on occasion but it didn’t affect their ability to live or play together. DS had a car and not only drove teammates for occasional coffee and food runs, but regularly took a car full of teammates to go to certain practices that were a distance away from the school. There wasn’t anyone he excluded because he didn’t like them; he took whoever he could because it was a team expectation that he would. I would imagine if parking is tight that the coach would give a directive to carpool when possible. Team dynamics are unique. Is this how it is for your team, OP?