Roommate Advice

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yes, we can be emotional.

I think in terms of roommates maybe replace emotional with "let things get to us", it may be a stereotype but it does tend to be fairly commonplace in terms of roommates. When compared to a lot of young males they (probably through their own stereotypes) don't let things get to them the same way.


At first I was a bit like "whoa" with the PP's original comment but I got the gist they were trying to make when I thought about the living arrangements I had been in, ones I had seen with my friends and their roommates and then my husband's roommates even was remembering how my sister-in-law was even though she lived with my husband she also lived with a high school friend and they had stuff that went on that my husband was at a loss as to why it was an issue.

 

[JLTraveling]

One of my roommates I had when I was in a 4 person 2 room suite was from LA, she for lack of a better term had culture shock moving to the midwest. She spent more than 2 hours getting ready to go to class and we only had 1 bathroom. For the most part we did well working in showers and stuff but she would get really antsy and not necessarily emotional but just hmm high maintenance about getting ready for class wanting the bathroom. She spent a very long time getting her makeup perfect. That lasted a few weeks when she realized no one really cared much about getting all that ready.

This reminds me of when I lived and worked in a youth hostel in New Orleans. I was awakened at about 6am one morning by a loud hair dryer running on the bunk next to mine. While I was trying to fall back asleep, I watched this girl who had come in the night before take FOREVER getting ready for the day. Coincidentally, she was also from LA. Her morning routine lasted about a week before she realized she was annoying everyone in the 12-bed dorm room, and none of the rest of us went to half that much trouble getting ready.

Once she chilled out though, she actually turned out to be pretty cool. We became good friends, and actually shared an apartment for awhile after that. Wouldn't have guessed it that first morning!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

none of the rest of us went to half that much trouble getting ready.

Yeah that was the most of it, a few times seeing people just roll out, wrap themselves in comforters (although I never personally did that I saw it enough) and go to class and she was ended up deciding it wasn't worth it plus I think she just didn't like to worry about getting the bathroom, 4 girls sharing a bathroom was mostly okay but it did get a bit difficult to work around at times. The suite bathroom was way nicer that the communal ones I had in the other dorm I had been in so hard to complain too too much.

We did bond over her make up caboodle bringing back tons of memories from our growing up days so there was that She pretty much saved her getting ready routine for the evening.

 

[mom2rtk]

I’ve had kids in 7 off campus apartments, there was no getting out of leases which were a year long. Some were able to be subleased if you could find someone to take over. At all of their universities there were on campus apartments, but all off campus housing was not through the university.

My daughter’s off campus apartment sophomore year was part of Residential Life through the university (large flagship university). So like all things, YMMV.

 

[mom2rtk]

I’m not trying to fuel any fire, but my step daughter had constant room mate problems until she finally got a private room. She would drive 2 hours home in the middle of the night after a roommate fight.

My son had 4 different roommates. Never a problem, and a couple of them were odd as all get out. He just adapted and lived his life.

Us girls can be emotional. Guys don’t tend to be wired like that. That’s all people are trying to say.

I just think generalizing can get you in trouble. This is akin to accusing women of being ruled by their hormones. Or when a woman is disagreeing with someone, dismissing them saying they are probably on their period. This kind if sweeping generalization never ends well. Because sometimes a woman on her period actually has a reason to be upset or emotional. Sometimes a woman living with a bunch of other women has a legitimate reason to be upset.

In this case maybe the OP or the roommate has a good reason for feeling the way they do. And it might have absolutely nothing to do with her being an emotional woman.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I just think generalizing can get you in trouble. This is akin to accusing women of being ruled by their hormones. Or when a woman is disagreeing with someone, dismissing them saying they are probably on their period. This kind if sweeping generalization never ends well.

Thank you. I agree. This is essentially the point I was trying to make and some are not understanding. IMO, it is unfair to make certain assumptions about all young women, based on gender alone. Posts with anecdotal stories of difficult female roommates do not change my position.

 

[disney castle days]

I haven't had a lot of time to post since I have been at practice constantly but wanted to clarify/update some things.

First, I have brought up not being in the team group chat with the coaches and captains. The coaches can't force the girls to include me in it "since it is not the official group chat" which is so beyond stupid since it is the group chat most information is sent in. The captains both claimed they did not make the group chat so they have not added me. I missed 2 more things this week because of it, so that whole situation is a mess in itself, and I am trying to address it. I also am not the only one that is not included, there are 2 other people not in it. While they won't say it's the reason, the 3 of us who are not in it are all the kids on the team that do not drink or attend team parties (I can't drink due to medications) and we have had people on the team who don't drink snitch before, so I think that is why. I am going to suggest just having 2 gcs, one for partying and one for actual team stuff.

I have talked to my roommate a total of 2 times since Wednesday, and both were at team events. I am trying to give her space. We don't talk at home, but the third roommate keeps asking questions because she feels uncomfortable. I have not directly addressed it yet, but the third roommate wants to have a house meeting so we can all talk since it makes her uncomfortable. The roommate keeps her door shut and will not leave her room if I am in common areas such as the kitchen or living room. She always leaves before me or after I have left, and when we are leaving school she waits until I leave to leave (like does not leave the locker room until after I have already left even if she is done before I am).

With the sitting on the opposite side of the room comment, we sit at 4 tables. At 5 separate lunches/dinners, I have put my bag next to 2 of her friend's bags (I am also friends with them). At 2 of the lunches/dinners, my bag was moved to the freshman's table while I was grabbing things, and at the other lunches/dinners, she had her stuff near me and moved it once I sat down.

We are both early people, so we are always the first two people at school. She is usually an hour early and I am around 45-50 minutes early, although I wake up before her in general.

I am graduating in the spring, so I will not be living with her after this year. This is off-campus housing, our school does not have housing for juniors or seniors. We don't know the last roommate because she is friends with the 3rd roommate and is a transfer. Our lease requires you to find a direct replacement for your spot and forfeit any rent already paid, and we have to pre-pay for 6 months so I would lose over $5,000 by backing out. We signed our lease in March, at which point I was already struggling pretty badly with my mental health so she was aware of it.

Most of my "expectations" like carpooling come from living with her last year as well as our friends. We used to rotate who would drive last year and who would pay for things. So one week I would drive to all our practices and she would pay for things like paper towels, and the next week we would switch. We did this for the entirety of both semesters. For our sports team, we have 4 houses and all the houses drive to the athletics complex together (there is major construction so there are about 50 parking spots for all athletes right now and football alone has 180 kids).

I do not think in anyways that she is trying to be rude, I was just not expecting there to be this much tension and no talking. We got along very well last year, so I was expecting it to be like last year, but it is very far from it. She's always been quiet, but never to the point that it felt like she is actively avoiding me, and I don't want this to escalate to the point that it affects the team.

I am driving myself, and am not going to bring up carpooling again unless it is completely necessary (we are only allotted 5 parking spots for the whole team on home football game days).

 

[disney castle days]

[accidently posted twice]

 

[PollyannaMom]

I have talked to my roommate a total of 2 times since Wednesday, and both were at team events. I am trying to give her space. We don't talk at home, but the third roommate keeps asking questions because she feels uncomfortable. I have not directly addressed it yet, but the third roommate wants to have a house meeting so we can all talk since it makes her uncomfortable. The roommate keeps her door shut and will not leave her room if I am in common areas such as the kitchen or living room. She always leaves before me or after I have left, and when we are leaving school she waits until I leave to leave (like does not leave the locker room until after I have already left even if she is done before I am).

It sounds like it would be great if 3rd roommate could talk to her and ask her what her problem with you is. It sounds to me like she is definitely still either mad about last year or scared of it happening again, but for some reason hasn't felt comfortable talking to you about it. 3rd roommate sounds invested enough that she might be willing to break the ice and get her to open up a little first, and then move on to a full meeting with all of you.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The captains both claimed they did not make the group chat so they have not added me.

Then they need to make one of their own. There is absolutely no excuse for the coaches to be relying on unofficial communication channels for official team events.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Then they need to make one of their own. There is absolutely no excuse for the coaches to be relying on unofficial communication channels for official team events.

Def. agree. Coaches may not be able to police different chats going on but they can create a system (e-mail, their own chat, notices in team facilities, whatever else you can think of) so everyone is on the same page. That's very unprofessional not to have one set up IMO and I would even add for unofficial team events, if every member of the team is going to be invited or expected to be there even for informal casual things then the official channel should be used. None of this telephone game or ability to leave someone in the dark.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

The chat issue gives a lot of insight into why there are some of these problems. Team leadership is lacking.

Can you tell us what ‘it’ was that happened last year between you and the roommate?

 

[disney castle days]

The chat issue gives a lot of insight into why there are some of these problems. Team leadership is lacking.

Can you tell us what ‘it’ was that happened last year between you and the roommate?

I don't want to go into too much detail for privacy, and also because it would probably be 4 pages long but this is kind of a summary.

I was taking a class and doing really bad in it. The week of the midterm exam, I had 3 family members die within 4 days of each other (all for separate reasons) but since they weren't immediate family our school rule is that it isn't an excuse to miss midterms so I had to stay and take the exam. I failed the exam and got a midterm warning that I might fail the class for the semester. I have really bad anxiety, to begin with. So this started making me have panic attacks every time I had to go to this class, to the point that I physically could not move. My roommate is pre-med and very "4.0 GPA is the only option" and could not understand how I was failing, let alone how I was not going to class sometimes because it was so bad.

About 2 weeks into this, I got in a fight with one of my best friends (one of our team captains) because she said I shouldn't be a captain because of my mental health, and I snapped back and said that her breakdowns are worse than mine. This was extremely stupid, but we are friends now and have talked it out. My roommate was not there for this, this happened during a car ride. My best friend then ghosted me for a month, which made me spiral more and I started having panic attacks when going to team events because I did not want to see her.

My roommate had the opposite class schedule as me, so she only saw me have panic attacks about class maybe 1 time since she was already at practice when I had to go to class. As for team events, we practice Tuesday-Friday and I had classes all those days but Wednesdays (when my best friend missed practice for class), so I was not really going to practice anyways. I am only aware of 2 panic attacks she saw that were related to the team. I know she heard me complain about some of the things that were happening, but I tried to only cry when she was not in the room. I keep to myself when it comes to mental health things, so it was not like I was outwardly screaming about what was happening. She knew about my grade because she asked me how the first exam went, and then I was really freaked out by the midterm warning so I asked her what it meant. When she would come into the room, I always hung up any calls I was on and just did work, so it is not like she overheard me talking on the phone.

During the entire time, she would make some comments but was never stand-offish or ignored me or anything like that. She made comments about how "if you go to class you won't be failing", which annoyed me but at the same time, it was just how she gave advice in general. If she walked in when I was crying or having a panic attack, she would usually just ask if I needed space and then go sit in the living room. She also has not cried since 2014 and is very proud of that fact, so I feel like that adds a bit of context to her way of handling emotions.

I texted her as soon as I got my diagnosis (GAD and ADHD) and started taking medications for it. I don't know to what extent she knows it's working, but I am talking to my best friend again and not having panic attacks before practice so she at least knows that.

 

[GreatLakes]

It sounds like you guys just need to live your own lives this year and then never see each other again after you graduate. The only thing you really need to address is official team news and announcements and it is up to the coaches to make sure they have an official channel to do that through. Side groups should not be the main avenue for this.

The only conversation it seems to me like you have to have is with your coach, not your roommate.

 

[Sinder]

Your best friend is one of the team captains and you are still missing team events? I do find it strange you thought your housemate should have to tell you about them but not your best friend.
Have you asked your BF to include you on the chat?

I am sorry for all the personal stuff you have gone through, my dd has anxiety and living away at school was very hard for her at times. You sound like you are doing what you can to get through it and that is commendable.
I do see a little more of why you would want to talk your housemate about why she is acting different than last year. Still though she has made it clear she doesn't want a relationship or friendship with you this year so I would just respect that and not try to push her into having a conversation about why. Quite frankly she doesn't really owe you why, it doesn't sound like you guys were close, it just sounds like you were "friends" due to circumstance- housemates and teammates.
At this point as long as she isn't saying or doing mean nasty things to you then I'd just go about your business and not worry about hers. You can say hi in passing and be on your merry way.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't want to go into too much detail for privacy, and also because it would probably be 4 pages long but this is kind of a summary.

I was taking a class and doing really bad in it. The week of the midterm exam, I had 3 family members die within 4 days of each other (all for separate reasons) but since they weren't immediate family our school rule is that it isn't an excuse to miss midterms so I had to stay and take the exam. I failed the exam and got a midterm warning that I might fail the class for the semester. I have really bad anxiety, to begin with. So this started making me have panic attacks every time I had to go to this class, to the point that I physically could not move. My roommate is pre-med and very "4.0 GPA is the only option" and could not understand how I was failing, let alone how I was not going to class sometimes because it was so bad.

About 2 weeks into this, I got in a fight with one of my best friends (one of our team captains) because she said I shouldn't be a captain because of my mental health, and I snapped back and said that her breakdowns are worse than mine. This was extremely stupid, but we are friends now and have talked it out. My roommate was not there for this, this happened during a car ride. My best friend then ghosted me for a month, which made me spiral more and I started having panic attacks when going to team events because I did not want to see her.

My roommate had the opposite class schedule as me, so she only saw me have panic attacks about class maybe 1 time since she was already at practice when I had to go to class. As for team events, we practice Tuesday-Friday and I had classes all those days but Wednesdays (when my best friend missed practice for class), so I was not really going to practice anyways. I am only aware of 2 panic attacks she saw that were related to the team. I know she heard me complain about some of the things that were happening, but I tried to only cry when she was not in the room. I keep to myself when it comes to mental health things, so it was not like I was outwardly screaming about what was happening. She knew about my grade because she asked me how the first exam went, and then I was really freaked out by the midterm warning so I asked her what it meant. When she would come into the room, I always hung up any calls I was on and just did work, so it is not like she overheard me talking on the phone.

During the entire time, she would make some comments but was never stand-offish or ignored me or anything like that. She made comments about how "if you go to class you won't be failing", which annoyed me but at the same time, it was just how she gave advice in general. If she walked in when I was crying or having a panic attack, she would usually just ask if I needed space and then go sit in the living room. She also has not cried since 2014 and is very proud of that fact, so I feel like that adds a bit of context to her way of handling emotions.

I texted her as soon as I got my diagnosis (GAD and ADHD) and started taking medications for it. I don't know to what extent she knows it's working, but I am talking to my best friend again and not having panic attacks before practice so she at least knows that.

I agree that you need to have a conversation with your coach about team communication. I don’t understand how it’s ok that you’re left out. It’s also not hard for someone to simply add you or anyone else missing to the team text. I have to wonder how that team is run but I guess that’s neither here nor there.

Thank you for explaining. That’s not so bad. I honestly expected something like ‘you were really drunk and said or did something really dumb or rude to your roommate in question’, or something like that. (And it’s not your issue, it’s hers, but if she’s going to be a physician she will need to become more tolerant and supportive of people with emotional issues or mental illness, but that’s another neither here nor there, and she can choose to act however she wants right now.)

If I were you I would honestly just forget her if she’s going to act that way toward me, even though you live together. Go about your own business. If she wants to leave if you’re in the common area, then so be it. It doesn’t mean you have to act the same way or not try to talk with essential communication. Just go about your own business. This is how she chooses to act, her actions will reflect on her. Just try to be the bigger person. Hopefully things will settle out. I suppose it’s possible she is having emotional issues this year herself or something, and just wants to be alone or whatever. Give her her space. Good luck with it all. Hold your head up high and continue to be a good roommate and teammate. That will reflect on YOU, and others will see it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I am so sorry this happened to you last year and am even more sad that the two people closest to you, best friend and roommate teammate ended up being unsupportive. I see no reason to not take your side so that's what I'll do, at least from a jaded cynics point of view.

You mention two parts of your life one person is polluting, where you sleep and where you play sports, so that is a lot. This year may be tough on you since it's already bumpy so try to create your bedroom as an oasis to control that part of the stress, if you can create a special sanctuary for yourself away from common areas. As a part of sports stress you mention driving, is there a way to eliminate this stress on your own? Maybe use Uber for games or park near the stadium and walk a bit, at the very least make sure you are in the car 20 min before a game and TEXT in writing an offer to drive and that you are leaving in 5 so you have proof you are not the problem and keep the texts. Roommate teammate will either jump in or is possibly hoping to make this a way to drive a wedge, you mention she is already throwing shade with carpooling so the best you can do if she is a menace is outmaneuver and outsmart her, you'll know if she is up to games by how she responds. The group text thing sounds sketchy to me, mostly because you wouldn't have brought it up if it didn't register as sketchy to you and make it on your radar. I say trust that vague gut thing that made you ask for input here, you lived with this person last year had a rough patch and are now sensing something off, it might be too so to tell what it is yet but time will reveal all things.

Make sure you have an array of 'other' places to go to study and such for your own well being, the fact you have a car is a blessing so get in the habit of going to read in a park often and doing outside of apartment things. Maybe make the school library your safe place, it is away from the antics so that will help you and reduce a point of friction. Do you have other quiet hobbies like puzzles, drawing? If not I suggest seeking some out to help you steady yourself, at least make sure you have options in your space.

It would probably be in your best interests to seek out on campus counseling for a few reasons. Tell them you want an appointment so you can stay on the right track, which signals to everyone paying attention that you are trying. Why not? You know you have an underlying issue and it would be best to have someone who is familiar with you at school especially when finals and such roll around which could add a lot of stress. It would be good for you to have an impartial third party who can advocate for you in case someone somewhere is making comments about your mental health. Also, hopefully you will do fine and all this is behind you, but let's just say that there is some other unfortunate thing that bubbles up sometime between now and graduation. If this happens having someone of staff able to sign off as your caregiver can allow you all sorts of medical accommodations if you need them. It is very tough to organize your thoughts and gather support for such things when you are in mental health downturn, you are much better off doing it while you are strong so create your own safety nets now.

Being sad and having outbursts when under the massive stress you described is completely normal, but sometimes it's important to have a medical professional weigh in on your behalf.

I really hope all this year works out for you.

 

[fly girl]

Again, I am very glad you are doing better. Last semester was not an easy one and you should be proud you made it through.

From all that I have read it really sounds like the roommate is very laser focused on her future, and being an empathetic roommate/friend is not in her wheelhouse. Hey, that's ok. Different strokes for different folks. She is on her path and doing her thing. Obviously if she didn't talk to anyone over the summer and hasn't cried in years, friendships aren't a top priority. Nothing you can do except be yourself and be civil. Realize the situation for what it is. Just keep doing you. Don't let her dictate how you move about in your own home.

And remember, she could be going through personal situations of her own. Maybe over time things will soften. We can hope.

The 3rd roommate will acclimate. It probably isn't what she expected, but she will assess and move on too. Maybe the addition of the 4th will really get some normalcy kicking in. I hope so for all of you.

I still am concerned about the team chat. EVERYONE needs to be included in one. If they want to talk about partying and drinking, then they can have a separate one established. It is very easy to add people to chat. If that is used as an excuse, it is not acceptable. Whatever the case, it needs to be brought up during a team meeting with coaches present and rectified ASAP.