Remarriage after a spouse dies?

[Imzadi]

I have heard that sometimes after a man is married for a long time, he can't imagine himself ever not being married, and that wanting to get remarried soon after his wife's death is a sign that the marriage was a good one.

It could also be that he met someone on sort of a "rebound" situation after his loss, and that person filled the void left by his wifes death.

Paul McCartney said he had only spent one night away from his wife, Linda, throughout their whole marriage. That was the night he was in jail for possesion of marijuana. He said she truly was his best buddy. They went and did everything together.

I think, sometimes, men who have been in a relationship for so long, don't know how to be alone. They they seek the comfort & familiarity of that kind of life, over picking out the right person.

Who knows? Maybe he felt he was lucky in marrying the love of his life the first time, and realises that probably won't happen again. Right now, he's seeking a pleasant companionship.

 

[Buckalew11]

Everyone handles it differently. As the child, though, I'd be devastated. It'd be none of business, really, but I'd be very hurt and the grieving would still be too fresh.

 

[JESW]

Not that it is the same as having a spouse die, but my brother was engaged to wife #3 before he was legally divorced from wife #2 - wife #2 was having an affair and kicked my brother out. My brother is the type of person who HAS to have someone in his life and I could never see him staying alone.

Jill

 

[Pigeon]

My mom died from cancer right after my father retired. He remarried less than a year later to a woman who lost her husband to cancer right around the same time my mom died.

It felt really soon (and very strange) to us, and I don't think he and my step-mother knew each other very well at all. They'd had two dates before he proposed! I think they were both expecting to pick up where they'd left off, and it was harder to adjust than they'd anticipated.

However, they were both in their 60s, and wanted to travel and enjoy retirement. They've been married for 18 years now, and overall, it was a good decision. I think that for both of them, it was a testament to how good their first marriages were that they wanted to have a second so quickly.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

All of the older men, who lost their wives, in my family have done that. Statistics show that older men who become widowed either re-marry quickly and continue to live happy healthy lives, or start to withdraw from life and die fairly quickly.

One of my great uncles, who's wife died in 2000, remarried pretty fast. he is turning 102 in July!!! He is still as sharp and healthy as ever. He finally gave up driving at 99!

 

[raysnkaysmom]

There is no right or wrong answer. Every person is different.... Doesn't mean they love the one they lost any less, and it's not meant as disrespectful. It's just maybe what they feel they need to go on....

 

[Camicar]

wanting to get remarried soon after his wife's death is a sign that the marriage was a good one.

Pffft. My parents and my ILS both had lousy marriages and both men were out trolling for new women asap.

Here is my gut reaction: if you're engaged less than two months after your spouse's death, it's at the very least disrespectful to your late spouse because most people are going to assume you were cheating on your spouse with the new fiance. At the worst, it's pathetic that you can't stand to be uncoupled for even two months.

Here is my more learned reaction, based upon life observation: Marry in haste, repent at leisure. Good luck with that.

Let it be known that I am not at all or in any way opposed to people remarrying after their spouses die (or they get divorced). I was thrilled when my grandfather at age 70 remarried a year after my grandmother died, as was everyone in the family but one aunt (who's, frankly, nuts). We were all thrilled that both my grandfather and my step-grandmother were happy and healthy well into their 90s and had more than 25 years together, after marrying at age 70! That second chance at happiness is a huge cause for hope and celebration.

But I do hold people to a standard of decency requring them to treat their living family and their dead spouse with respect. IMO, moving on that quickly (2 months) is disrespectful to the deceased and insensitive to the needs of living children. I am tired of people getting remarried asap and getting so angry with their adult children who are not ready to 'move on' that they cut all ties with the children and grandchildren because they're not ready to throw a ticker tape parade. I have also seen many many people come to regret moving so quickly (including my FIL) to think it's a wise idea.

 

[bumbershoot]

All of the older men, who lost their wives, in my family have done that. Statistics show that older men who become widowed either re-marry quickly and continue to live happy healthy lives, or start to withdraw from life and die fairly quickly.

My aunt, who is in her 60s and has been divorced (after two marriages during which each husband cheated on her) since her 30s, has seen many situations of a wife dying and has watched what the men do. In HER experience, watching it from the outside, the men either get married very very quickly, die very quickly, or, in her words, "get weird".

But I do hold people to a standard of decency requring them to treat their living family and their dead spouse with respect. IMO, moving on that quickly (2 months) is disrespectful to the deceased and insensitive to the needs of living children. I am tired of people getting remarried asap and getting so angry with their adult children who are not ready to 'move on' that they cut all ties with the children and grandchildren because they're not ready to throw a ticker tape parade. I have also seen many many people come to regret moving so quickly (including my FIL) to think it's a wise idea.

Yes!

My stepdad was going to the Singles bible study groups within 2 months or so after my mom's death. I understand he didn't want to go to the couples study (though, gosh, way to abandon your friends!), but he did start meeting women immediately. He was a good catch and he was even being checked out by the women running the post-funeral reception thing at his church, and he quickly narrowed it down to 2 women. Then got to know them on a friend's level, had a date with his final choice, proposed after that, and got married a month later. 10 days before the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death.

It hurt me deeply. I never said anything, though, b/c frankly he wasn't worth the argument, and his answers to unpopular decisions in his life were that he had prayed about them and got his answer so he knew he was doing the right thing. Always convenient that his "answer" was always the one that he would enjoy the most! He hurt me horribly, he hurt my aunt deeply as well (they were STEP cousins after grandparents on both side married each other, which is how my mom was his young teen-hood sweetheart), he caused grief everywhere from the decision, but HE got to marry (and therefore live as a married couple) quickly, and that was all that was important to him.

Sometimes I feel for him, having to grieve while inside a new marriage (even now, 9 years later, I realize that I had almost no business starting my relationship with now-hubby only 7 months out from the death of my mother, for instance...I can't imagine if it was a husband that had died!), but he made that choice!

 

[Feralpeg]

My father remarried very quickly after my mom died. He just couldn't stand being alone. He married a very nice lady. I am so glad that he didn't wait. They were only together five years before he died. It is very hard to know what you would do in a similar situation. I try not to judge.

 

[brasswillow]

I have two friends who lost their spouses at young ages.

The first lost his wife very suddenly. He had 4 small children to take care of a re-married 6 months after her death. Many people said it was too soon, but he met this woman after his wife's death and they just clicked.

The second is a friend whose husband was in a coma for 18 months for before he passed away. You can kind of say she had already gone through a grieving process before he died. She got re-married within a year of him passing away.

My grandmother was a widow for 47 years before she passed away. Getting married again wasn't something she was interested in.

It all depends on the situation.

 

[phorsenuf]

When I was 10 my Mom Died. That was in June. That following March my dad got remarried to a woman he met where my brother and sister worked. He'd go to pick them up and have a drink in the bar while waiting for them. She was the bartender.
I believe she was 23 or so when she married him. Imagine a 23 year old woman marrying a man with 4 kids, one of them about 4 years younger than yourself.

They just celebrated 34 years yesterday.

BTW I always refer to her as my Mom. I love her to death from the day I met her. In fact the day my dad asked her to marry him she came into my sisters and I room that night. She told us her proposed but wanted to talk to us first. If we were not comfortable with it or thought it was too soon than she wouldn't marry him. Of course we said yes. Is that not too cool or what.

 

[JVL1018]

But I do hold people to a standard of decency requring them to treat their living family and their dead spouse with respect. IMO, moving on that quickly (2 months) is disrespectful to the deceased and insensitive to the needs of living children. I am tired of people getting remarried asap and getting so angry with their adult children who are not ready to 'move on' that they cut all ties with the children and grandchildren because they're not ready to throw a ticker tape parade. I have also seen many many people come to regret moving so quickly (including my FIL) to think it's a wise idea.

Have you been spying on my family?
My father may or may not regret moving so quickly, I have no idea, I haven't seen him since shortly before he told me he "met someone"-3 1/2 weeks after my mom died(2 months after being diagnosed with cancer, so she was not ill for long).

I have spoken to him sporadically through the years(will be 5 years this June since my mother died), and my kids and husband saw him once, and I am fine with the kids sending him emails and stuff.

It was awful at the time, it was embarrassing when my parents friends and family would call us kids up and ask WTH was going on, and it made me feel ashamed because I felt he was disrespecting my mom..but as time went on, I realized that my mom and dad were very happy together, they were married for 40+ years and still head over heels and what he did after she died *should* have no bearing on how their marriage was.
So, though I still have no relationship to speak of now, in hindsight it's less to do with his choice and more to do with how he went about it, I guess. It's complicated, but time marches on and you have to let it go, I bear no ill will toward him, I hope he's happy.

I did tell my husband if he remarried within a year of my death, I would haunt him and kill him, because I DO think it's disrespectful.
Dang-mourn me for a minute, would ya?

 

[missj1975]

I agree it depends on the situation. It is very easy to judge by outward appearances but there is always more to the story. Here is my story.

I met my fiancee a month after his wife died. They were married for 12 years until she passed away from cancer.

When we met we instantly clicked but I new he was recently widowed so we just remained casual friends but spent a lot of time together. We officially started dating four months after we met (five months after his wife died). Lots of people felt free to express their not so nice opinions on how long Donald should grieve, especially our church friends. Anyway, we just ignored the opinions and continued dating. Donald proposed to me last month and we are getting married in August which is almost three years after his wife died.

Donald would have proposed a lot sooner but he wanted to get all of his late wife's medical bills taken care of before he got married again.

Donald is very open about his first wife. He loved her very much but she is dead and there is nothing he can do to change that. They had a heart to heart before she passed and she even told him to please marry again because there was more to life then just sitting around being sad and depressed. He still gets teary-eyed when something reminds him of her but life goes on.

Anyway, each person's grief process is different so it is hard for an outside observer to say how long a person should grieve.

 

[browneyes106]

I think it depends on the situation and the age of the person. My uncle lost his first wife at 42. She was the same age. About six months after losing her he became a close with a coworker and two years later they married. My coworker's mother lost her husband at age 68 and she got remarried two years later.

 

[bethy]

I can see how it would be different for everybody. As for me I don't know that I'd ever get remarried if I lost DH. I definitely wouldn't do it until/unless my young DD's were grown and out of the house. I don't want any man to have that kind of access to my children unless he is their biological father.

 

[coinkc]

My dad remarried a year after my mom died. Some of my siblings had (and are still having) a very difficult time with it. The way he described it to us is that he didn't go looking for another wife. My parents had been married for 43 years and he would not have dreamed of marrying someone else if she was still alive. However, she was gone and nothing we could do would change that. He is happy with his new wife (who had been a friend of my mom's) and they take care of each other. Personally, I think that if he didn't have her, he would have also passed away a few years ago...he was so sad and lonely after my mom died and he wasn't in the best health himself. By remarrying, he had a reason to get up every day...

 

[*Fantasia*]

My husband passed away 7 years ago. I started dating about a year later. Though I was still going through hard emotions, it didn't stop me from just hanging out. I didn't want to isolate myself, I needed to be out there.

There's no time limit of how long can one grieve. And sometimes to help ease that grieving process, they go out.

My BIL's dad passed, then 6 months later, she remarried. There is no right or wrong when a widow/er is ready to move on.

 

[C.Ann]

All of the older men, who lost their wives, in my family have done that. Statistics show that older men who become widowed either re-marry quickly and continue to live happy healthy lives, or start to withdraw from life and die fairly quickly.

---------------

I have heard and read this too..

On a more personal level, I don't think anyone can (or should) impose a "time frame".. Each person grieves in a very unique way and just because it may not "seem" right to someone else, doesn't meant it "isn't" right - for that
individual..

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

That is a hard one to answer. I know I am still mourning my mother and she passed away in Aug 2008. I can't imagine losing my husband, tht might put me over the top. I don't think I would even consider dating that soon, much less marrying. Dh says he is going with me, he won't let me go without him.

Suzanne

 

[momto2girls]

I can see how it would be different for everybody. As for me I don't know that I'd ever get remarried if I lost DH. I definitely wouldn't do it until/unless my young DD's were grown and out of the house. I don't want any man to have that kind of access to my children unless he is their biological father.

ITA. I feel fairly certain that I would never get married again if something happened to DH, but I am absolutely certain that I would never even consider it while I still have children at home.