Remarriage after a spouse dies?

[wvjules]

Oh no! Of course not!

I just would never put my children through that. If they lost their father, the last thing I would want to do would be to put further stress on them by having a stranger come into their house and take over that role. If my DH were to pass away, I would want them to have my attention and focus and not worry about me spending my time nurturing a new marriage. IMO that would just not be fair to them. If they were in that situation, I would want the rest of their childhood to have a minimal amount of disruptions.

I would feel the same way if I were to get divorced instead. As a child of divorce, I know that this is a situation that I would never put my children in.

Ok that makes more sense. I've seen several posters on here insinuate (in various situations) that all single men must be perverts.

I got divorced when DD was 4. It is 9 years later and I'm just now living with someone again. DBF is actually the only man that I dated that has ever met DD. Its one thing to have a man come in out of my life but no way was I going to let her go through that.

 

[bethy]

So do you two think that all single men are perverts just waiting to pounce on your unsuspecting children?

Of course not! I'm certain that the vast huge majority are not that way. However, as far as I understand it the most common perpetrators of sexual abuse is mom's boyfriend or a stepfather. So for me that is a risk that can't be ignored and probably just wouldn't be worth it. I mean having a man living with your child means serious, unchecked and intimate access to them.

But my reasons are bigger than just that: mainly I feel the same way momto2girls does. And also, when I refer to "access" to my chidren I'm talking about emotional access too. Raising children is sooooo hard - esp teenagers - that I don't trust someone who is not their bilogical father to be able to withstand the challenges well enough and in a healthy enough way. I think that for me I would not be in favor of a having blended family if I could avoid it. It's just not worth all the associated issues to me. Being married would not be that important to me - I wouldn't want the complications. It's not like my girls would be living at home THAT long that I'd be denying myself remarriage/companionship forever. Also I'm very independent and not one to be too dependant on a man for anything. I love my DH immensely but I could easily live without a man in my life if I needed to. I am not easily swayed by love and physical attraction.

Note that this is just my personal opinion and what I believe would work for me and our family. I feel very strongly about it for my own family. Basically I would be like a nun with children for a while - just focused and keeping my life simple.

 

[wvjules]

Of course not! I'm certain that the vast huge majority are not that way. However, as far as I understand it the most common perpetrators of sexual abuse is mom's boyfriend or a stepfather. So for me that is a risk that can't be ignored and probably just wouldn't be worth it. I mean having a man living with your child means serious, unchecked and intimate access to them.

But my reasons are bigger than just that: mainly I feel the same way momto2girls does. And also, when I refer to "access" to my chidren I'm talking about emotional access too. Raising children is sooooo hard - esp teenagers - that I don't trust someone who is not their bilogical father to be able to withstand the challenges well enough and in a healthy enough way. I think that for me I would not be in favor of a having blended family if I could avoid it. It's just not worth all the associated issues to me. Being married would not be that important to me - I wouldn't want the complications. It's not like my girls would be living at home THAT long that I'd be denying myself remarriage/companionship forever. Also I'm very independent and not one to be too dependant on a man for anything. I love my DH immensely but I could easily live without a man in my life if I needed to. I am not easily swayed by love and physical attraction.

Note that this is just my personal opinion and what I believe would work for me and our family. I feel very strongly about it for my own family. Basically I would be like a nun with children for a while - just focused and keeping my life simple.

I understand statistics and all but if I didn't trust the man I love with my life and being around my children; then I wouldn't be with him.

 

[Buckalew11]

My nephew has a friend (girl, 14) that this happened to. His mom's boyfriend molested her. She didn't tell anyone until she told nephew and he persuaded her to tell another adult and authorities are in charge of it all now. Sad, tragic and will change this girl's life forever, but it does happen.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Just to comment on the original post:

My DH and I have already discussed this one. Whoever goes first, the other has permission to marry as soon as they would like and anyone else, family or other, can go to hey. If I go first, I have no doubt that DH and BFF will get hitched. If he goes first, I have no doubt that I will NOT ever get remarried, but DH doesn't know that, nor does he need to, as it makes him feel better to think that I will find someone else.

 

[safetymom]

Never say never! You don't know what could happen if your spouse dies.

 

[mjantz]

DH has an uncle that remarred a few years after his wife died. He nearly died of loneliness so this marriage has been a very good thing for him. If she dies before him I foresee him dying within a year of her. We also have another family member who started dating & remarried a little over a year after the sudden death of his wife. They seem happy but many of us in the extended family do not like her & wish he had waited a bit.

DH & I have discussed if we died what we'd want. The agreement was to wait a year to start dating, especially since we have kids in the household. I would never ask him to not remarry & he wouldn't ask it of me either.

 

[Colleen27]

But my reasons are bigger than just that: mainly I feel the same way momto2girls does. And also, when I refer to "access" to my chidren I'm talking about emotional access too. Raising children is sooooo hard - esp teenagers - that I don't trust someone who is not their bilogical father to be able to withstand the challenges well enough and in a healthy enough way. I think that for me I would not be in favor of a having blended family if I could avoid it. It's just not worth all the associated issues to me. Being married would not be that important to me - I wouldn't want the complications. It's not like my girls would be living at home THAT long that I'd be denying myself remarriage/companionship forever. Also I'm very independent and not one to be too dependant on a man for anything. I love my DH immensely but I could easily live without a man in my life if I needed to. I am not easily swayed by love and physical attraction.

This is one of those things that I don't think you ever really know for sure until you're in the situation. I said the same things as you're saying when it was all just theory; when my ex & I split when DS was an infant, though, I saw it a little differently.

At this point in my life, I don't know exactly how or if dating/remarriage would play out if I lost DH. It would depend on too many things, not the least of which is that even if you aren't looking, sometimes that special someone comes along anyway... I wasn't interested in dating when I met DH. I met him because his younger brother and their roommate at the time have both been close friends of mine since high school. We both started out with the intention of nothing more than friendship, but it quickly became clear that there was something much, much more between us. So while I can't imagine moving on if I lost DH and I would certainly be worried about how it would effect the kids, I couldn't say with any confidence whether I would or would not date/remarry.

 

[Bloem]

I was married almost 7 years and my husband just killed himself 2 months and now I am by myself with two children under 4 years. Our marriage was rocky and difficult but I loved him. Since he has been gone one of my great supporters is my high school sweetheart and we are connecting in amazing ways. I want nothing more than for my two children to have a father growing up. My family thinks it is too soon for me to be dating someone but interestingly enough my FIL is super excited for me. I don't think that there is a right or wrong time to be ready. To have the kind of support you receive from a partner you are grieving (even if grieving for a spouse) makes a world of difference. Before he passed away if I looked at my situation I would have said it was too fast but being here now it just feels so right. I guess my point is that there is no right thing. In terms of kids I think that they are better off with an great step dad than they would be without a father.

 

[*BTMRR*]

I was married almost 7 years and my husband just killed himself 2 months and now I am by myself with two children under 4 years. Our marriage was rocky and difficult but I loved him. Since he has been gone one of my great supporters is my high school sweetheart and we are connecting in amazing ways. I want nothing more than for my two children to have a father growing up. My family thinks it is too soon for me to be dating someone but interestingly enough my FIL is super excited for me. I don't think that there is a right or wrong time to be ready. To have the kind of support you receive from a partner you are grieving (even if grieving for a spouse) makes a world of difference. Before he passed away if I looked at my situation I would have said it was too fast but being here now it just feels so right. I guess my point is that there is no right thing. In terms of kids I think that they are better off with an great step dad than they would be without a father.

Best wishes to you.

 

[disykat]

I'm with those that think dating within weeks and marrying within months is too soon!

However, I also agree that sometimes people are ready to move on sooner than their families would like but they need to make their own decisions. One poster was still grieving and upset that her step-father remarried 3 years out. Other people may never be able to accept a parent remarrying.

I hope dh will remarry if I die first, and I wouldn't be surprised if he did it fairly quickly, but I'd like to think he'd wait long enough for people not to be wondering if he'd even changed the sheets!

I would expect the time frame one might wait to go down depending on how old someone is when their spouse dies. I had a great uncle who became a widow after a long happy marriage when my great aunt died in their late 70's and he was widowed again two other times before he died. They were all lovely women.

 

[Lucky4me]

My Father, I use that term loosely, he was more of a sperm donor than anything else, had his new girlfriend moved into my Mom's house 3 WEEKS after her death. This woman used my Mom's dishes and even wore some of her clothes. Now that was disgusting and creepy. We now know she was mentally ill, but it was so gross.
They married within the year, but she killed herself a year after that. (!)
Again, he remarried within a few months of that wife dying. The third one outlived him. She only had to put in six months before he kicked the bucket. She received everything. His entire estate that MY Mother had worked so hard to earn being married to that creep for 35 years.
Yeah, we're all bitter.
I don't understand how someone could do what he did.
It's weird though. It seems to be a family curse passed down through the generations. My Mom and Aunts also watched their Mother remarry shortly after their Father died. Then their Mother died and they were left with nothing. This guy brought his own family in and they cleaned out my Grandma's house. Didn't even leave a plate. My Mom got my Grandma's dog, only because she broke in and stole him. I guess there was a similar story with my Grandma's Mother.

I've taken the extra steps to make sure this doesn't happen to my kids if I die before my husband, their stepfather. A codicil in the will that says he cannot change what we have set up for them. It's iron clad. Even if I croaked out tomorrow and he remarried and was married 30 years. He will have to give my kids a portion of his estate when he dies. Half of whatever was in there when I died. It makes me feel a little better even if there is a chance it will never happen. I don't know how these women can live with themselves either. Golddiggers. I would never do that to a family.

 

[nana2tots]

I agree on that is wayyyyyyyy too soon, I guess because i am having issues w/ my SIL, dating after two years of my Daughters death, but guess it's hard on me because i can't see him w/ someone else, it should be my Daughter.. I know he has to move on, but I totally do not like the lady he is dating, nor does the 15 yr old. I know you have to move on w/ your life, but 2 months, come on.
Hope this dosen't stir the pot, but it's only my feelings that it is way to early.

 

[Jennasis]

I hope I never have to find out.

 

[ckay87]

I was married almost 7 years and my husband just killed himself 2 months and now I am by myself with two children under 4 years. Our marriage was rocky and difficult but I loved him. Since he has been gone one of my great supporters is my high school sweetheart and we are connecting in amazing ways. I want nothing more than for my two children to have a father growing up. My family thinks it is too soon for me to be dating someone but interestingly enough my FIL is super excited for me. I don't think that there is a right or wrong time to be ready. To have the kind of support you receive from a partner you are grieving (even if grieving for a spouse) makes a world of difference. Before he passed away if I looked at my situation I would have said it was too fast but being here now it just feels so right. I guess my point is that there is no right thing. In terms of kids I think that they are better off with an great step dad than they would be without a father.

Aw, well bless you. And in answer to the original post, this is one of those "not my business" issues. If I'm ever in a similar situation I would not want to be judged on my decisions either.

I will agree with others that men do seem to re-marry much more quickly. It's funny that when men are young bachelors they are typically so reluctant to "settle down" and get married. But after they do, and the marriage is ripped out from under them (either by her leaving or passing away), they can't get back into a committed relationship fast enough. For women in that situation it seems to work oppositely. They are in a hurry to marry when young, but tend to be far more reluctant to re-marry.

 

[ilovejack02]

My Dad remarried my mother about a year after his first wife passed away. They had been married for about 25 yrs. He and my Mom have been married 37 yrs . He is 84 . Daddy is just a man that is meant to be married. Mom and I Laugh and say that if something happens to her, Dad will remarry asap .


My hubby knows I would remarry eventually, and I expect the same for him. LOL I bet it will be my best friend.. they get along really well and have a great respect for each other.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Lucky4Me,



That is so sad. I guess that is why I'm having trouble with the idea of remarriage. I have been alone for 18 years.

I want what I have to go to my kids and I would expect if I married at my age that my partner would want to leave what he had to his kids. But, that said, I still find prenups so unromantic.

TC

 

[NAB]

Funny this thread popped up today. I lost my first husband 17 years ago today. I was 29 at the time. This month has never been the same for me in all these years.

I started dating 4-6 months after he died. I was so alone. I come from a family of 6 kids but it is just not the same. They were there for me every step of the way.

I met my present husband in July, got engaged in Dec married a Oct. I know I was young but if I was older I would think the same thing. Life is too short!!

It is really up to the person, some older folks would never remarry. And some just need someone to be in their lives. I think it is more men though that think that way.

 

[disney1990]

Nobody knows what is right for him. I hope it is everything he wants it to be.

Never say never -- nobody knows what the future will bring.

 

[Hillbeans]

My father had a date 3 weeks after we buried my mother....it was shocking to say the least but it was what it was.

The weird thing was that he got many sympathy cards from older (single or widowed ladies) asking him for coffee and to be a shoulder to cry on.

He did get remarried, but it was earlier this year, which was 6 years after my mom died.