Remarriage after a spouse dies?

[tvguy]

I think this is a strange 1st post to have here--bumping up a 3 year old thread for your first post but I'll go ahead and answer.

I've been a member or lurker for 10 years, never understood why bumping up older threads is an issue. They could have just created a new thread, but most topics are reruns anyway, cycle through again and again. Okay, the "Do they have olives on the ship" thread on the cruise board was unique.

To the topic at hand, a dear friends's wife passed away 4 weeks ago, and he is already looking at dating. Not my cup of tea.
She was diagnosed with cancer 15 years ago.......was declared "cured" 5 years ago, rediagnosed 6 weeks ago, and passed away 2 weeks later. So certainly for many years he was prepared to be alone, so that certainly could have been a factor.

My dad passed away 45 years ago, my mom waited a few years to date. Decided after a few dates that my dad was the only man for her, hasn't dated since.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I hate zombie threads because I don't usually find out until page 12 that the question is 4 years old. I'm more of a "here and now" kinda person.

Anyway, I like the subject in general. If I die before my husband, I would hope that he could find a loving companion to share the rest of his life with. I'm not expecting to be "replaced." Everyone should be able to have someone to be happy with.

I agree that men tend to find a relationship sooner than women. I think they need us women too much to be alone.

I also don't believe in soul mates. I could be perfectly happy with any number of men that have come and gone from my life.....

 

[Andtototoo]

Widowed in November and engaged on New Year's Eve? Wow. Talk about a recipe for "Marry in haste, repent at leisure."

I've asked my dh that if I die first that he wait a year before remarrying because that's what I considerable honorable. Obviously I know I cannot control his behavior, but I'm telling him what I would prefer in terms of honoring my memory and giving our dd time to grieve and adjust. (FTR, if my dh dies, I'm not planning on remarrying at all.) I'm not trying to tell others what to do, of course, just saying where my head is.

One thing I think is funny is my mom's descriptions of the older women in her Sunday School class and the quickness with which they swoop in on any widowers that dare to show their faces. Since men die younger there are always more eligible women than eligible men in the Senior Sunday School class!

I have a relative who met his second wife 6 weeks after his first wife died... at a grief support group. She eventually told him the reason she joined was to meet men. Her own husband had been gone 2 weeks when she joined.

 

[packedforadventure]

I don't think there is a time frame and it's hard to judge, because grief is so different and personal to the individual. I also think that his age might be a big factor. It's hard to be alone and death often makes us aware of short our lives really are.

http://www.alwayspackedforadventure.com

 

[horseshowmom]

Yeah, I agree with Buckalew11, this was a strange first post.

Wow, this thread brings back memories.

Well here is an update on the couple who I posted about.

We just saw them not too long ago and they are very happily married. She calls him "sweetie" which I think is cute.

Yes, his first wife died of cancer. So I think he was prepared for everything for quite a while.

They are both going to be retiring now and enjoying life. We are happy for them.

Glad to hear the update is good anyway.

I hate zombie threads because I don't usually find out until page 12 that the question is 4 years old. I'm more of a "here and now" kinda person......

I've gotten to where I pay more attention to the original date when it's something a little controversial like this. Then I skip to the end to see when the post was pulled up. Hate to be suspicious, but you have to wonder sometimes.


My daughter and I laugh that my husband/her dad is meant to be married. He says he wouldn't marry again. I say he'll be scanning the crowd at the funeral home! He won't have much of a chance. Everybody loves my husband (he really is a great, great guy). Women will come out of the woodwork. I told him that if he remarries, I'll haunt him.

 

[ilovevacation]

It does seem fast...and it would be interesting to know where the couple stands the years later. But, we don't know the circumstance of the death. I work with cancer patients, often my patients have been sick for a long time, and prior to death give permission and often urge their spouse to move on.

 

[ols386]

My mom passed away in April, and my dad started dating in June (two months later). I don't know if he had time to properly grieve my mom's death, but after she passed, he was so terribly lonely. It was truly heartbreaking.

MY dad and his new g/f dated/lived together for about 2 years, and then got married.

I see nothing wrong with it. I also think many times, men handle these things differently than women.

I had no issue with my Dad starting to date and get involved with another woman so quickly. It made him happy, and that's really all that mattered to me. They were married for 14 years. He later became very ill. His new wife stood by him through thick and thin, and took wonderful care of him until he passed away, 14 years after they were married.

She and I had our ups and downs through those years. It seemed like she was a bit jealous of my relationship with my Dad, but in the end, she and I are very close now, keep in close contact, and I'm glad we are in each other's lives. I know my Dad would be pleased about the relationship she and I have.

 

[sandynd]

My dh is not expected to grow old along with me. I have a young daughter with special needs and would not expect to find someone she has not grown up with to accept, understand and love her the way she needs. And there's no one she's grown up with that I would consider marrying!

Also, I had to laugh at the "nurse or purse" comment. Over the years I've become both, and it's exhausting and hard, even when you're doing it for love. If I ever had another relationship, it would probably fail because I'm ready for someone to take total care of me, and I wouldn't be so ready or willing to give of myself anymore. Although I've had a couple of men hinting around that they might be willing to be "in the wings" - super creepy! :rofl

 

[horseshowmom]

Do people realize this is an old thread that got bumped?

OP, do you have an update on how this relationship is going? Did they end up getting married?

Imzadi's post was in 2009, and now it's been bumped again! Here's the update below (post 100).

Wow, this thread brings back memories.

Well here is an update on the couple who I posted about.

We just saw them not too long ago and they are very happily married. She calls him "sweetie" which I think is cute.

Yes, his first wife died of cancer. So I think he was prepared for everything for quite a while.

They are both going to be retiring now and enjoying life. We are happy for them.

It does seem fast...and it would be interesting to know where the couple stands the years later. But, we don't know the circumstance of the death. I work with cancer patients, often my patients have been sick for a long time, and prior to death give permission and often urge their spouse to move on.

See above for how they stand 3 years later.

 

[Piggeldy]

I know this is an old thread from 2009, but still

When my grandma died, after 48 years of marriage (that we all know wasn't always happy), two children and three grandchildren... my grandpa had his cleaning lady move in with him before the week was over. That... was a little bit too quick for the rest of us. Not even waiting until after the funeral. Or maybe the end of the year (granny died around thanksgiving) or... well, anything longer than five days. Shall I say that Christmas was kind of strange? With a "new" grandma around, holding hands and kissing, while grandma hadn't even been burried yet?

They did stay together until my grandfather passed in 2006 and yes, she was of tremendous help especially taking care of him in the last few weeks when he was in the hospital and everybody else had to go to work. But it made things very difficult for everybody. We really tried to respect his choices and we of course know that (adult) children shouldn't meddle in their parent's love live but I think some part of us never "forgave" him and her being there never felt "natural". She broke ties with us right after my grandpa had passed. Without going into much detail, the whole thing left a very bitter aftertaste for all of us.

It might even have been different if it had been someone else. Someone he'd just met by chance. Someone that hadn't been in his life for 10+ years. Someone closer to his age. Someone who didn't move in with him within three hours. Someone with a little more compassion/empathy for the rest of the family. I really don't know.

My FIL passed away 6 years ago.
We really hope my MIL, who is only 60, will eventually open her heart for someone else. For her sake. She doesn't do well alone, she really needs a companion by her side. It's a hole that her children are unable (and yes, somewhat unwilling) to fill. Her sons can't be her partner and as much as they (we) like to help her as much as we can, there are limits.
She is very Catholic, which likely doesn't help in this case. But I really hope that there is someone out there she will be able to spend the rest of her life with who can provide her with what is currently missing in her life. I really believe it would be good for her.

But obviously, she is still grieving. Maybe she is somewhat punishing herself because she thinks it's her fault (long story, of course it's not but there is reason why she could feel that way). Sometimes it seems that she actively makes sure she will never be happy again, as if it's an active choice to make sure she is as miserable as possible. But I really hope she finds someone and falls head over heals in love with him. My FIL wouldn't have wanted her to be unhappy.

 

[gator75]

My dh also isn't expected to grow old with me i have been preparing for the past year. I wouldn't get remarried though I'm to independent i don't think any man would have me. I don't need constant companionship and i don't need to be needed. I have parents that i'm taking care of and when something happens to them and or if dh is no longer around i plan on throwing myself into work and maybe going back to school to earn a degree or two.

My grandpa died in 1973 and my grandma never remarried and beleive me she wasn't lonely she ran and owned her own bussiness and she always said she dosen't want some gold digging man comming after her fortune. She lived to be 98 and was widowed for 35 years on her own.

 

[KingK12]

There really isn't a correct answer for your friend and he might not be able to move on. The heart is a creature all of its own and it will tell him if and when it's time to move on.