Remarriage after a spouse dies?

[Disney Doll]

I am not one to move on quickly. Even as a younger woman, if I had a boyfriend and we broke up, my tendency was to stay away from men for a while, hang with my girlfriends, live my life. Many "experts" have said that a widowed person shouldn't make any drastic or major decisions for at least a year, if possible. In general, I think that's a pretty good rule of thumb. At least for me, it would be a pretty good rule of thumb.

I also don't know that I'd ever marry again. I often tease DH by saying I wouldn't want to have to train another one! But, truth be told, I am not impressed with too many of the men I encounter in my day-to-day life. I think I'd have a hard time finding someone of DH's caliber.

 

[bgirldeb]

I think there's a big difference between how men and women react to losing a long-time spouse. Men seem to seek out another partnership much more quickly, and I suppose it speaks to how much they liked being married. Women tend to stay single longer and enjoy not having anyone to take care of. At least that's how it has worked out in my family.

I've seen this happen quite a bit. A lot of the cases seem to fall in the same age group of men, and I think it's because they've been used to being taken care of all their lives with the traditional 'wife', and it's too hard/lonely to be without a wife.

 

[safetymom]

I am putting my flame suit on but until you are in the situation of how to live your life after your spouse dies you can't possibly know how you will react. I know I sure didn't.

I will say not to rush into anything for at least a year. I can speak from experience that your thoughts and feeling may not be what they were before you experienced your loss.

My late husband had told me to be sad for a year or so and then go on living life. I did have a relationship for a while but it didn't work out. I am single but am open to another relationship if it should come along.

 

[horseshowmom]

The weird thing was that he got many sympathy cards from older (single or widowed ladies) asking him for coffee and to be a shoulder to cry on.

My friend's dad had the same thing happen after her mother died. She said there were women coming out of the woodwork bringing him casseroles, pies, etc.

I am not one to move on quickly. Even as a younger woman, if I had a boyfriend and we broke up, my tendency was to stay away from men for a while, hang with my girlfriends, live my life. Many "experts" have said that a widowed person shouldn't make any drastic or major decisions for at least a year, if possible. In general, I think that's a pretty good rule of thumb. At least for me, it would be a pretty good rule of thumb.

I also don't know that I'd ever marry again. I often tease DH by saying I wouldn't want to have to train another one! But, truth be told, I am not impressed with too many of the men I encounter in my day-to-day life. I think I'd have a hard time finding someone of DH's caliber.

This pretty much sums me up too. While I would never criticize someone else for doing things their way, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would be too heartbroken to even look at anybody else for a long, long time. Less than a year would never happen (and probably not for long after that). In fact, I agree with Disney Doll completely in that my DH would also be a hard act to follow.

My sister-in-law died unexpectedly the end of March. Her husband started dating again back in Sept. or Oct. They have 5 grown kids, and I think they have had a hard time with it. They're struggling really hard with the very unexpected loss of their mother (only in her early 50's), and I don't think they can really see how he can spend time with some other woman. While I really can't either, I won't fault him for doing what he needs to do (and I do think he falls into that category of having had someone take such good care of him that he's looking for that again).

 

[MAKmom]

I think traditionally 1 year was the amount of time society expected a person to grieve for a spouse.

Older men will get married right away & all the single older ladies know it is a race to who gets him first.

 

[tasha99]

I think traditionally 1 year was the amount of time society expected a person to grieve for a spouse.

Older men will get married right away & all the single older ladies know it is a race to who gets him first.

Not ALL the single older ladies. An elderly cashier at my grocery store told me she is not at all interested in ever getting married again because all the men her age looking for a wife either want a nurse or a purse.

 

[wvjules]

Dh and I have a friend and his wife passed away last fall. Around Nov. he had the final memorial service and scattered her ashes. They have 3 older children and 2 grandkids.

Yest. we get a note that he is getting married in June and got engaged New Years Eve. We wish him well, but it got dh and I talking. We were wondering if he has really had enough time to grieve over his spouse. It was like 5 weeks from the final goodbye to the next engagement etc.

How long do you think is long enough to wait before you get remarried?

Since this thread is now 9 months old...did they get married? Are they still together? What's the update?

 

[castleview]

Dh and I have a friend and his wife passed away last fall. Around Nov. he had the final memorial service and scattered her ashes. They have 3 older children and 2 grandkids.

Yest. we get a note that he is getting married in June and got engaged New Years Eve. We wish him well, but it got dh and I talking. We were wondering if he has really had enough time to grieve over his spouse. It was like 5 weeks from the final goodbye to the next engagement etc.

How long do you think is long enough to wait before you get remarried?

I admittedly haven't read the whole thread. But was his wife ill for a long time? I do know someone who met and married a woman shortly after his wife's death. His wife had been painfully sick with cancer for about three years.

 

[Chicago526]

My mother died in late Sep. '07 after 39 years of marriage. My dad started internet dating in May '08. He has a girlfriend now. I don't think they'll get married though. While I didn't say a single thing to my father, I was not happy with him dating again so fast. I'm not saying he has to be alone for the rest of his life, but that was too fast in my opinion.

Some people are ready sooner than others, and that's fine. But I think people should wait a year. Not just out of loyalty the the deceased, but it gives the widow(er) a chance to fully morn. The first year after a death can be pretty rough and in my opinion starting a new relationship too soon can cause some problems that might not otherwise ocur had the person waited and healed a bit more.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think perhaps in the case of a spouse with an extended illness, some of the grieving gets done beforehand. You sort of "lose" them by inches...

When my DMIL was dying, we (her children) cared for her in her home. We watched her go downhill, and caring for her could be draining. We were as "prepared" as one can be for the loss of one's mother. Near the end, it was almost a relief to know that her earthly suffering would be over soon. Our religious beliefs also helped us to take comfort in the fact that we knew she'd be with her beloved husband and they'd be happy together.

 

[minkydog]

Of course not! I'm certain that the vast huge majority are not that way. However, as far as I understand it the most common perpetrators of sexual abuse is mom's boyfriend or a stepfather. So for me that is a risk that can't be ignored and probably just wouldn't be worth it. I mean having a man living with your child means serious, unchecked and intimate access to them.

I agree. If something happened to my DH I would probably not remarry, at least not for a long time. Due to some abuse issues in my past I would not bring in a new man until my kids are out of the house.

I had a good friend whose husband divorced her for another woman and left her with 3 young boys. She was devoted to those kids and she had them all enrolled in a hockey team. Since she was at the roller rink with them all the time, she started skating. Eventually she met the perfect guy. They started competing in figure skating competitions and he began coaching hockey. They got married and appeared to have the perfect life. However, about 8 months after they married it came to light that Mr. Perfect was abusing all three boys. She kicked him to the curb, but the damage was done. She never remarried, her trust was completely broken.

I have a teenage daughter and a mentally handicapped teenage son. It would scare me to death to bring in a strange man. Sometimes people are not what they seem and I could not take a chance on that.

However, in the case of an elderly man or woman, I say go for it. If they're in love I see no reason to withhold their love. Bravo to both of them!

 

[Imzadi]

Do people realize this is an old thread that got bumped?

OP, do you have an update on how this relationship is going? Did they end up getting married?

 

[Deb C]

I recently married after being married 36 yrs and ended in divorce it had been over 7 yrs the man I married was my first love and I have never stopped loving him , He lost his wife of 30 yrs to death less then a yr ago we are very happy and blessed to be together however he has a 31 yr old daughter and 3 30-48 yr old stepdaughters he raised they will not accept me and will not come see their Dad I do not want to cause problems they are not babies and have their own lives but his spouse had been ill 15 yrs and he took care of her we have never stopped loving each other thru the yrs 40 yrs but had to do what we had to do ,was I wrong in marrying him aftetr 7 months after she dies as I said we are happy

 

[Buckalew11]

I recently married after being married 36 yrs and ended in divorce it had been over 7 yrs the man I married was my first love and I have never stopped loving him , He lost his wife of 30 yrs to death less then a yr ago we are very happy and blessed to be together however he has a 31 yr old daughter and 3 30-48 yr old stepdaughters he raised they will not accept me and will not come see their Dad I do not want to cause problems they are not babies and have their own lives but his spouse had been ill 15 yrs and he took care of her we have never stopped loving each other thru the yrs 40 yrs but had to do what we had to do ,was I wrong in marrying him aftetr 7 months after she dies as I said we are happy

I think this is a strange 1st post to have here--bumping up a 3 year old thread for your first post but I'll go ahead and answer.

Personally, 7 months does not seem long enough to me but everyone is different and that's what people will say. Obviously this man does not get over things easily if he never got over an old GF even after marrying for 30 years...

My mother started dating 6 months after my dad died and we all thought it was too soon. To think she would have married in 7 months would have been unthinkable to me. And, a good thing she did not because a few years into the dating, she found out this man was not the man she thought he was.

I do not think any "child", no matter how old, would want to hear, "we never stopped loving one another, not even after 40 years." Sorry.

I would understand "still caring" etc. but if you have used the phrase "never stopped loving", yeah, as the "child" that'd piss me off and give me a feeling of my parents settled for one another for some reason and weren't as in love as I thought??? My family was some sort of "lie" of sorts and I would not be a happy camper.

And many people would think I was wrong for feeling that way... and that's OK. But I would not be happy with a parent who married only 7 months after death or divorce. I think that is rebounding and I think it needs a little more time than that.

When my mom was dating her friend, I can tell you, I avoided him like the plague. We did not like each other and there was no pretending going on. So yeah, I probably wouldn't be coming over to visit IF I did not like you. If I liked you and thought it was just too soon, I'd be working through that issue but not liking you is a whole different story.

Maybe there'll be a difference for the adult children involved in your situation too. Too soon is one thing and not liking is a whole different story!

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I think this is a strange 1st post to have here--bumping up a 3 year old thread for your first post

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

My mom has always told my dad to remarry quickly if she dies first. She doesn't think he could survive on his own and I tend to agree!

One thing I think is funny is my mom's descriptions of the older women in her Sunday School class and the quickness with which they swoop in on any widowers that dare to show their faces. Since men die younger there are always more eligible women than eligible men in the Senior Sunday School class!

 

[Nancyg56]

Pffft. My parents and my ILS both had lousy marriages and both men were out trolling for new women asap.

Here is my gut reaction: if you're engaged less than two months after your spouse's death, it's at the very least disrespectful to your late spouse because most people are going to assume you were cheating on your spouse with the new fiance. At the worst, it's pathetic that you can't stand to be uncoupled for even two months.


But I do hold people to a standard of decency requring them to treat their living family and their dead spouse with respect. IMO, moving on that quickly (2 months) is disrespectful to the deceased and insensitive to the needs of living children. I am tired of people getting remarried asap and getting so angry with their adult children who are not ready to 'move on' that they cut all ties with the children and grandchildren because they're not ready to throw a ticker tape parade. I have also seen many many people come to regret moving so quickly (including my FIL) to think it's a wise idea.

My first husband died when I was 23 and he was 25. He had been ill for quite a while. I had three kids all under the age of 5 Years old. I never cheated on my husband, not one time. Ii went back to work after my youngest was born, 4 weeks old. I was nursing him at the time.

I was the sole support of my home and my husbands only caregiver. I met Buddy a few months after and started dating. My IL's were furious. I understood that but they also needed to understand that I had every right to grieve in my own way. I felt then and still feel that my actions while Don was alive was the way I showed respect. And I treated him and our marriage with the care and respect that commitment deserved.

It is very easy to decide what behaviors are appropriate for others but in my own opinion, you (general you) can only decide what is right for you. I knew what transpired in my home before and after Donald's death. No one, not even his parents, had the right to interfere in how I handled my life after he passed. I knew what was best for me and what was best for my kids and I have not had one regret.

Buddy and I have been together 32 years, this is the 33rd Christmas we spend together. He raised my children with me and took on Donald's family as well. He is the best grandfather my Kady could have. I knew right away that he was a good man and there was no way I was going to let this opportunity for a good life together slip away in order to satisfy rules that belonged to another person.

I think that it is important to recognize that not everyone will mirror your standards of behavior and that the only people allowed to participate in such a personal decision should be those two folks who are entering into the commitment.

CHildren count in the decision but only to the extent that as children they should never be placed in an unsafe or cruel environment. Adult children need to respect that their parent needs to be comfortable. DO they want to be responsible for a parents companionship and care?

 

[lisaviolet]

My first husband died when I was 23 and he was 25. He had been ill for quite a while. I had three kids all under the age of 5 Years old. I never cheated on my husband, not one time. Ii went back to work after my youngest was born, 4 weeks old. I was nursing him at the time.

I was the sole support of my home and my husbands only caregiver. I met Buddy a few months after and started dating. My IL's were furious. I understood that but they also needed to understand that I had every right to grieve in my own way. I felt then and still feel that my actions while Don was alive was the way I showed respect. And I treated him and our marriage with the care and respect that commitment deserved.

It is very easy to decide what behaviors are appropriate for others but in my own opinion, you (general you) can only decide what is right for you. I knew what transpired in my home before and after Donald's death. No one, not even his parents, had the right to interfere in how I handled my life after he passed. I knew what was best for me and what was best for my kids and I have not had one regret.

Buddy and I have been together 32 years, this is the 33rd Christmas we spend together. He raised my children with me and took on Donald's family as well. He is the best grandfather my Kady could have. I knew right away that he was a good man and there was no way I was going to let this opportunity for a good life together slip away in order to satisfy rules that belonged to another person.

I think that it is important to recognize that not everyone will mirror your standards of behavior and that the only people allowed to participate in such a personal decision should be those two folks who are entering into the commitment.

CHildren count in the decision but only to the extent that as children they should never be placed in an unsafe or cruel environment. Adult children need to respect that their parent needs to be comfortable. DO they want to be responsible for a parents companionship and care?

How wonderful.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And overjoyed for your happiness.

And agree 100% with the bold. It drives me insane when adult children cause such drama and unhappiness in these areas. (although I know there are intense feelings involved all around - compassion there)

My mother has dementia. My father takes care of her. He has loved her his entire adult life. Pretty well stalked her on her dates with other men/boys. Been married 56 years. But if she passes first I hope he finds happiness and companionship in his last days.

I just loved your story. And Buddy sounds like a great man. I wish you all the best. Good for you for knowing that you mattered.

 

[lisaviolet]

One thing I think is funny is my mom's descriptions of the older women in her Sunday School class and the quickness with which they swoop in on any widowers that dare to show their faces. Since men die younger there are always more eligible women than eligible men in the Senior Sunday School class!

Wow. That's funny.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Wow, this thread brings back memories.

Well here is an update on the couple who I posted about.

We just saw them not too long ago and they are very happily married. She calls him "sweetie" which I think is cute.

Yes, his first wife died of cancer. So I think he was prepared for everything for quite a while.

They are both going to be retiring now and enjoying life. We are happy for them.