relationship advice requested

[poohandwendy]

I don't think this a relationship worth salvaging. At the very least, he doesn't seem to respect you and you don't trust him. Not sure why people try so hard to make really bad dating relationships work. Dating is to find out if you are compatible...you are supposed to move on when you realize you are not. Why are you trying to fit a square peg in a round hole? (before you insist that you LOVE him, I don't believe mature love can exist with mutual disrespect and distrust. I believe what you are probably feeling is being in love with the 'potential')

Let's put it this way....

It is hard enough to have a good relationship with a good man.

Think about that.

ITA

 

[PrincessTiff]

So, I usually post under another name, but I want this to be anonymous.

Warning, this is kind of long...

I am worried (have been for a year) that my dbf is cheating. We currently live together.

His background:
He is 23. Works full time and goes to school full time (2 nights per week). He comes froma divorced family where his mother is very up-and-down and his father was somewhat absent most of his life, and has been divorced 5 times (4 divorces due to his infidelity). Last week, boyfriend was diagnosed as Bipolar II and put on Depakote.

Maybe I read that wrong, was your bf or bf's father divorced 5 times?

 

[Hixski]

Let's put it this way....

It is hard enough to have a good relationship with a good man.

Think about that.

This is a very good quote. DH and I have been together for 25 years. Married for 20. He and I both had to grow up a bit before we got married. BUT....we never had any of the issues you are talking about. I wish I had a dollar for every girl or woman who said "But I love him". What do women love about the lack of trust or the lies or cheating? I have a friend right now who wishes she had listened to her gut instinct. It was telling her to run and she didn't. She would like to get a divorce but she is scared. She has already been divorced once. Just be careful. You don't want to end up like her.

 

[Tinijocaro]

The signs are all right in front of you. Don't ignore them. Why would you need counseling? It's not supposed to be like this. A guy who loves you wouldn't do all that stuff. Follow your gut and move on. You are in for a life of heartache if you stay and marry him.

 

[graygables]

I have a bipolar DD and was married to a probably bipolar individual for 8 years. You will NOT change him, you will NOT alter his behavior, you will NOT fix him, you will NOT save him. Sorry, nope, no amount of giving, loving, cajoling, coddling, forgiving on your part will do any of those things. The meds MAY help, but only if he is fully compliant and only if they are the right meds and only if they are in the right dosages.

Sex addiction is a tough one to crack and sex addiction while bipolar is REALLY tough to crack. Online, offline, phone, back seats of cars, whatever it's all a part of sex addiction and YOU will not make it go away. In my situation, it started out with Playboy, progressed to hardcore, on to strip clubs, then a hooker with a disease (which he then gave to ME, 2 actually, one of which may kill me with cervical cancer someday), and finally child molestation of my (and his) oldest DD. I'm not saying that everyone follows that progression, but it is NOT uncommon (according to all the counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists I've dealt with) and it is a reality that many have to live with.

Lying becomes a high in and of itself. Even when they are "caught" in the lies, they frequentely don't acknowledge it, b/c they live in a different reality from the rest of us. Sadly, women like you (and like I used to be) live on the edge of that reality, too, and it is VERY difficult to listen to what other people are telling you. It's also very difficult to make that jump when you are dependent on someone for your finances. It's not going to get any better, so you need to cut your losses (of time, emotions, finances) and get on with your life. eBay, find some freelance work, tutor, sell Avon, whatever, but get yourself out and get some fresh air and wake up out of the situation he has you in. When you can support yourself and take pride in yourself and realize that YOU ARE WORTH IT, then the right man will come along and make you his princess. I agree, it's hard enough to have a good relationship with a good man. Also, you are marrying his WHOLE family and his family history and possibly condemning your own children to being bipolar (or just having to live with one).

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I think everyone here has given you such good advice. Look ahead into the future - 5 years from now - 10 years from now. How much time do you want to invest in this type of life? You cannot "fix" him, and it's not fair to him or you to have those expectations. Either accept him for how he is now, and prepare yourself to raise children in that type of environment, or to raise them on your own, either because you'll finally call it quits, or he will call it quits, which will put you right at the point where you have to take care of yourself anyway, plus you may have to be responsible for your child(ren).

When deciding your future, you kind of need to put your emotions to the side, and use your intelligence to decide on the path you are going to take.

Good luck.

 

[CARAMELTINK]

ONE WORD: Leave!

O.K., 2 Words: Leave Fast!

 

[holycow]

I haven't read any of the other replies But...if you are suspicious now can you imagine what it would be like being married????? Think about it. Not being able to trust someone because of lies no matter how small is not somthing you want to base your relationship on.


I know you are worried about your financial situation but you need to be honest and move on.


there are others out there.


Holyow

 

[Linzybrooke]

My honest opinion? The relationship's already sunk. You don't trust him obviously because you have been checking up on him. Whether he's actually cheating or not, if the trust is gone, it's gone. It'd take a long time to build it back up again---you'd have to ask yourself if he's worth the time to work on getting past the trust issues & if it's all one-sided on your part. Doesn't sound like he's on board with saving the relationship, but then again we are only getting one side of the story.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

BINGO! If you don't trust him now you won't trust him ever. Do you want to be in a relationship that you question everyday of your life? What happens when/if the doctors decide he doesn't need medication anymore or change the type? Don't you deserve better than this? You are going to lose self-respect every day until you do something for YOU and not for him.

If you are asking the question then you already know the answer.

Hugs and prayers coming your way!

 

[kelleigh1]

Every woman should always trust their instincts. And yours are SCREAMING at you that you should move on.

As for him supporting you financially, no woman (no person for that matter) should ever find themselves dependent on someone else for support. You are a smart person who is working toward a goal and you should be able to support yourself. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you have to do it for yourself. This relationship is very one-sided and that is very unhealthy.

 

[tkd lisa]

I don't understand this? I've been diagnosed as bipolar for about 10 years now, and life has never been all about me... it's always been all about other people. Whenever life wants to turn that it's all about me (like with my recient surgery) I feel ultra guilty. I probably thanked my boyfriend 100 times for staying with me in the hospital.

I don't know your particular situation. And there's always an exception to every rule. But in every bi-polar person I've known, the people who are closest to them spend a tremendous amount of energy just keeping life going.

Some examples. Ex would decide we should take on some sort of activity (say Cub Scouts). But after two weeks, it was too much for him. So, since someone had to do it, I became the den leader. Ex would have problems at work. He'd talk to me about what to do. I'd advise him. Next thing you know, he's bringing the work home for me to "take a look at it." I make suggestions. Then he just brings home the task and says "It needs to be done." And when I said "What do you want me to look at? It's not even started." the answer was "Well, you obviously just don't care about me." And that was during a "good time!"

When my ex wasn't in a swing, he would recognize that I did everything. But when he was in a swing, nothing I did was enough. About 5 years ago, I finally decided that I would only do what I could do, and not feel guilty that "I wasn't doing enough, didn't love him enough, etc." Anyway, that's what I meant by that post.

 

[CheshireVal]

There are all kinds of red flags in your OP. The porn thing is really not so much of a big deal (show me one guy who doesn't look at internet porn and I'll be shocked) but the other stuff is pretty dodgy.

You aren't married to this guy, and that makes it a little less complicated to leave than if you were married. (Though I know it still wouldn't be easy.) If you choose to stick with it, I highly encourage you to wait a while before considering marriage. If this kind of behavior continues, you'll know it's not going to work out.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Time to leave. Thank God you did not get married.

 

[Christine]

I don't know why we women don't see and listen to those "RED FLAGS" that go off in relationships. This relationship is FULL OF THEM. Besides thinking that you feel some love for this guy, why would you keep yourself in a situation like this? I don't know whether your boyfriend is a liar or not--but he is certainly not ready to be in any committed relationship.

 

[bananiem]

Of course I don't want to leave. I love him dearly and think he's really screwed up. I wanted some feedback on whether I might be paranoid, and also from others who have been in relationships with bipolars.

I am not making excuses, but offering further information. I know he lies... but I have no clue how this medication will alter his behavior and judgment when he's been on it for more than 4 days.

I am in my first semester of a doctoral program, and though I have a GA, it barely pays any money. My family has no money to give me and live 9 hours away. I can't get a job outside school until I adjust to my school schedule. I did take out some loans so supplement my income, but it's not enough to pay rent and bills and I can't change the amount now.

I think it's time to adjust the school schedule. Perhaps you need to put the doctoral program on hold. You are using his supporting you as a reason to stay when he clearly doesn't respect you.
My question to you is Why don't you think you deserve better? This is not a healthy relationship. You say you "love him dearly" but it's a two way street and I'm not sensing that he loves you dearly.
Sorry to be blunt, but I think you deserve better.

 

[lil mermaid]

OP, I think you need to move on.

Your posts made me so sad. You are 23 years old - you have your whole life ahead of you. This guy has repeatedly shown you that he is not trustworthy, and you continue to make excuses for him. You were even making excuses for him in your OP when you were telling your story!

He isn't magically going to become this wonderful and trustworthy man because he is on medication. It just isn't going to happen.

You have received some great advice here, OP and I hope you take it.

 

[faith]

Hope you take Zalansky's advice. They said it perfectly. Life is too short. Don't settle!

 

[Luv'sTink]

I know you are looking for some help with this but be careful about who you listen to on a chat board. Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really love him and I support him. He pays my living expenses and in general takes great care of me. I'm willing to forgive and forget as long as things get better. But how do I trust and get over all of it? I guess I'm looking for any advice - your opinions, and esp.

OK...I guess I will answer the questions you want answers to.

Since he pays your way, you can look at it as a trade off.
He cheats you look the other way so he will pay your bills and support you.
Frankly it not uncommon that people give up a part of themselves due to the situation they put themselves in.
You are free to do that!

However...the downside is that "looking the other way" comes at a price. You have to decide if you can pay that price. We can't tell you that. You don't have kids and you are not married so you are only hurting yourself.

Complaining, nagging, fighting will only hurt you if you are just trying to wait till you graduate to get out.

So we come to the question of "how you get over it"...That is not possible. What you do is learn to live with it.
Decide if this is what you want to live with.

The smart thing for you to do right now is to plan an escape. You are totally dependent on him financially. You need to change that.

 

[Disney Doll]

You are probably a lovely young woman who loves this man and wants to "fix" him.

That's not going to happen dear.

My recommendation would be to get yourself into a position where you can support yourself. Yes, right now he is financially supporting you. What if he goes off on a manic (or for that matter, depressive) episode and disappears? What if one of his online "friends" makes him a better offer in another state and he disappears? What if, one day, he decides he just doesn't feel like working anymore?

There are a lot of "what ifs?" in your situation, and none of them are good.

His example of relationships has been an unstable mother and a father who has been married 5 times...not exactly The Waltons, wouldn't you say?

You may not be able to leave today, due to your precarious financial dependence on him. I suggest you stop worrying about what or who he is doing and "adjust your school schedule" to allow you to get a job which gives you enough $$ to support yourself. Once you have that all arranged...schoool schedule that "fits" around job schedule, I would recommend you start to look for a place to live, even if it means renting a room somewhere.

Once you have secured a place to live, pack your things and go, and do not look back.

You are much too young and valuable to embroil yourself into this man's world.