Reading Child's Text Messages....

[slo]

When my girls are old enough to have a cell phone, they will know, and understand that the phone they are using is my phone, that they are borrowing. Because they are using my phone, I have total and complete authority to do whatever I want with that phone - which includes reading stored text messages.

The only time I will not have this mentality, is if they buy the phone themself and pay for the bill themself. Then it is their phone, and if I read their text messages, I would feel as if I'm invading their privacy.

 

[Claudia1]

"Our phone, our money, our rules." That was made known the when we gave the phones to both kids. I told them that if they don't give me a reason to check (i.e. trust issues like others have mentioned, excessive use, etc..) we would not check it very often. However, if you give me a reason, I will check when you least expect it.

We provide phones for our benefit, not theirs. DS is still learning that! It is his reponsibility to use it wisely and to always have it charged when we need to contact him.

Yes, we check and, yes, he knows it. He's a good kid and I intent to do everything to help him stay that way.

I'm glad to know I'm in the majority here but I would do it even if I was not.

 

[Robinrs]

Only if you have told her you will do before hand. To me doing it behind her back shows real lack of trust, and will take her a while to gain that trust in you back. Talking to her about the issue first is a much better way of dealing with it, than just sneeking behind her back.

My parents told me that my internet usage would be monitored whilst i lived at home, i agreed as long as they would not read my MSN messages, since although i knew i was being monitored, my friends didn't. If they told me a secret in confidence, my parents had no right to read it.

They agreed, but went through what was and wasn't acceptable and encouraged me to tell them if i was worried about something.

My parents never checked my phone (to my knowledge) as i paid for it myself and was never a cause for concern (i rarely texted as i was on Pay as you Go).

Snooping without talking to your kids is just a great reason for them not to trust you. If you expect them to be hiding something from you, they probably will be.

When you give a child a phone, or internet usage, explain what you expect from them, rights they have and why you are doing it. This means that they know where they stand, and know how to act appropriatly. It also means if you find something you don't like, then you have a way of talking to them, as they knew what was expected of them in the first place. It also means you can punish appropriately.

Respect works both ways.

Snooping? Sneaking? Works both ways?

Sorry, this is not a two way street, this is authority raising a child.

The problem with today's society is parents are so afraid of disrespecting children. What the???? My parents put their foot down and guess what? When I paid my own rent and mortgage is when I was in charge... not before.

I have a 15yo son. He's a quiet, sweet Christian boy... but he is FIFTEEN and he is my responsibility. We have great communication and respect for each other but I keep my eyes open and make sure he's SAFE. It's a parent's responsibility.

I remember being 15. I remember every age I was. I was a good kid too but I was sneaky as all get out. A parent should never DISrespect a child but youth does not usually come with common sense and wisdom. They naturally trust (everyone BUT their family ) and lots of people are NOT worth trusting. I remember that. It is now my job to make sure he is aware of that. Just as it was my parents job back then.

There is a thin line but the OP shouldn't be even QUESTIONING her right to check on her 15 yo daughter. We all know what she can be facing... and her parents will have to take on the responsibility if she does make a mistake.... why not be proactive and try to make sure the mistake doesn't happen?

 

[Robinrs]

Oh I plan to read my kids text messages, email, and whatever else I feel necessary... I'm not here to be their friend, I'm their parent... I love them and want to keep them safe.... Being their friend comes later in life once they've grown, left my house and have a place of their own...

What SHE said... thanks!

 

[JessicaR]

You not only have a right IMO - you have an obligation. Same with monitoring 100% of computer activity.

I'm surprised you waited this long .

My sentiments exactly.

I do tell them and they are aware I do this.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I do not read my son's (he's 15) text messages. Sometimes I'm tempted, but I just feel like that would be an invasion of his privacy that is not warranted. Now, if I had other reasons to doubt that he's making good choices, I most likely would resort to reading them. As of now, I trust him and I want to give him his privacy.

 

[bettyann29]

I have no problem reading my kids text messages or anything that I happen across in the house in their rooms and they know it..

As a parent it IS my right.. and my kids know how I feel about it.. I feel that it is my responsibility to know what they are doing, who they are hanging around and where they are going..

 

[Robinrs]

I do not read my son's (he's 15) text messages. Sometimes I'm tempted, but I just feel like that would be an invasion of his privacy that is not warranted. Now, if I had other reasons to doubt that he's making good choices, I most likely would resort to reading them. As of now, I trust him and I want to give him his privacy.

I hate to bring up the double standard but would you do the same if it was a girl???

I really hate to say this but I don't worry about my boy as much as I would a girl. I raised my nieces and I cannot TELL you what they managed to do behind my back ... and yes, they were GOOD GIRLS.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I hate to bring up the double standard but would you do the same if it was a girl???

I really hate to say this but I don't worry about my boy as much as I would a girl. I raised my nieces and I cannot TELL you what they managed to do behind my back ... and yes, they were GOOD GIRLS.

Hmm...that's really hard to say. I think it, too, would depend on if I had reason to doubt them, but I really can't say for sure. I've never had a daughter, unfortunately, so I'm not sure how I'd react.

 

[Robinrs]

Hmm...that's really hard to say. I think it, too, would depend on if I had reason to doubt them, but I really can't say for sure. I've never had a daughter, unfortunately, so I'm not sure how I'd react.

I think we as woman are much more trusting of a predator and especially the way girls look like WOMEN today we have to be so careful.

I also raised my godchild until her mother took her back at age 8 when my son was born. Her mother basically let her do whatever, she was an A student, a BEAUTIFUL girl, she was accepted into a modeling agency and all that stuff.

She was also pregnant at age 14.

NO ONE expected this. She was secretly dating the ... get this... preacher's son who was 19.

Stuff happens, I guess I've seen so many nightmares because I was always the AUNT/COUSIN/GODMOMMY they went to when they were in big trouble. Also being a "former girl" I know how we think. And it can be so silly...

 

[wishspirit]

And my point was you said that you agreed that your parents could monitor your usage so long as they didn't read your MSN, that was what I was reacting to, that would never fly in my house. I am not saying your parents were wrong, but it would never go down like that here.

There was no 'as long as' about it. My parents set down the rules of what i was allowed to do on the computer and what i wasn't, and that they would be checking. I wouldn't question that. I know they are doing it for my safety. However i asked if they wouldn't mind not reading my MSN conversations and they agreed that it was fair.

Let me clarify. I AGREE that you should check up on your kids, but PLEASE let them know you are doing this. Parent-teen relationships can break down because snooping happens that the teen doesn't know about, i saw it with my friends growing up. Just talk to your teens before hitting the cell phone for clues and try and create a dialogue. Thats all i was saying.

 

[HelenePA]

If they KNOW I'm doing it then they'll just learn to hide it better. Nope.. I'm gonna snoop til they are out of my house.. I remember 15.. I remember getting caught doing stuff at 15 I shouldn't have been doing.. I'm a parent first.. friend 2nd.. I didn't like my mom so much growing up.. I learned she was a good friend to me right before she died.. I know what she did for me was out of love.. she wanted to keep me safe, happy, unharmed, not pregnant, not drinking, doing drugs, getting in with the wrong crowds, wrong boys... This is before cell phone and computers... its a whole new ballgame with my kids..

 

[Michelle67]

We actually never told our daughter where we were getting the information, and it was soooo much more effective that way. Plus, since she didn't know we found out about the various email accounts online, she didn't censor herself and we continued to get the scoop. I remember overhearing her on the phone one night after we had started our big campaign to end the madness (so to speak...) saying to a friend, "No, I can't. No I really can't. Dude, I don't know how, but my parents find out EVERYTHING!" She thought she was so clever with her password protected stuff and secret emails, etc. Heh heh heh.

 

[HelenePA]

amazing how us parents do know everything isn't it?? and they think they are so smart..

 

[Va-bear]

I would never snoop on my child unless they gave me a STRONG reason (sudden change in behavior, drop in grades, etc.) to do so. My parents raised my siblings and me to know we are people with most of the same rights as they (there were some exceptions....) We were taught that we were "equals" in most senses and it impacted me profoundly. I always respected how much they respected me, as a person, and it has remained a stronghold in my life.

My sons have the full respect of privacy unless they EARN other treatment.

 

[racetrack18kb]

I believe as parents we have the right to look at emails, text messages, etc if the situation warrents it. A sudden change in behavior would make me look to see what they are texting. I have looked to see who DD is texting but I have not looked to see what she it texting. We have a pretty honest and open relationship right now. But if things would change, I wouldn't think twice about checking out everything. My house, my phone, my rules you know.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Safety ALWAYS trumps privacy.

If I had any reason at all to suspect anything was amiss then you betcha I would be reading everything more closely - texts, emails, etc... There are just too many stories out there about teens getting into trouble online. It is my job as a parent to protect my child and provide guidance and support. My teen has my trust until she shows me that she hasn't earned it. She's a good kid.

The rule at my house has always been: There are 2 things that are NOT negotiable - Safety and Respect.

 

[MushyMushy]

I would never snoop on my child unless they gave me a STRONG reason (sudden change in behavior, drop in grades, etc.) to do so. My parents raised my siblings and me to know we are people with most of the same rights as they (there were some exceptions....) We were taught that we were "equals" in most senses and it impacted me profoundly. I always respected how much they respected me, as a person, and it has remained a stronghold in my life.

My sons have the full respect of privacy unless they EARN other treatment.

Snooping is when you are invading the privacy of another grown adult. Monitoring is what you do to ensure you child's safety, and I feel that we have a moral obligation to monitor our kids' activities.

 

[In a hurry]

Snooping is when you are invading the privacy of another grown adult. Monitoring is what you do to ensure you child's safety, and I feel that we have a moral obligation to monitor our kids' activities.

Agreed.

I taught in the middle school this year. Far too many parents haven't a CLUE what their kids are up to. (Most) Teens do not have the sense of appropriate boundaries, nor maturity to be treated equally with adults. There is that percentage that mature, but in my house that maturity will have to be proven, not assumed.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Snooping is when you are invading the privacy of another grown adult. Monitoring is what you do to ensure you child's safety, and I feel that we have a moral obligation to monitor our kids' activities.

I do, too, and I do monitor his myspace (I do random checks), but I feel reading his phone text messages is like eavesdropping, or reading his diary (not that he has one). I just feel that is wrong. Again, unless I have reasons to believe that he is making bad choices in his life. Then, I would resort to reading his messages. For now, he has earned some privacy for himself.