Reading Child's Text Messages....

[NewCrew42]

If you are paying the bill, you certainly have every right. My kids know that we will. They don't know when, which I only look if something seems not quite right. I do occasionally look when we are in the car and the kids are laughing. I'll say let me see that. And they gladly hand over the phone.

FYI - If you work for the government and use a government computer or cell phone, your information can be FOI'd and printed on the front page of the newspaper.

So I think if your employer or the media can look at information like that, surely a parent footing the bill for a cell phone can see what they are paying for.

Also, with cyber bullying, you just never know what is going on.

 

[SeeDisney]

Yes, you do. Although my children don't text message yet, I know many of my parents' friend that do read their child's text messages.

You're paying the bill.

 

[Stacerita]

I think parent's do have a right to look, and they should if they feel they need. My DD knows that I would look if I felt like I needed to. I haven't yet though. She hasnt given me any reason to do so. I do ask her who she is texting and what it is about. And she tells me. I have yet to feel like I need to look myself. If that time comes, I most certainly would. It is not an invasion of privacy.

 

[luvsJack]

The thing is if your child knows your reading his/her text or email, they just won't say anything on there they don't want you to know. It doesn't mean they are not saying it at some other place and time.

It was important to me to build trust between me and my teens, and trust has to go both ways. Now I can understand the monitering of computer use to an extent for young teens and preteens, but I just don't think that should include private converstations between them and their friends.

OP, it sounds like you already knew something was wrong. Personally, I would have sat her down and talked to her without reading her texts; but we all have to do what we feel is the right way to handle a situation.

 

[wishspirit]

Do you have children old enough to text? If not, you may have a different opinion once you do. I absolutely agree that parents have a right AND an obligation to read text messages and to monitor internet activity.

If my daughter told me I couldn't read certain messages, that's the first place I would look. The whole "secret" argument wouldn't work with me.

I have NO problem with parents reading texts IF they let their children know they will do it from the START when they get the phone. If you feel the need to pry, maybe ask you child first, if they are avoidant, then maybe action needs to be taken.

I also never said they couldn't read certain messages. I asked them not to. They took my request as a way of me protecting my friends privacy, and they also knew that if i had any problems with MSN i would tell them. I know all teenagers aren't this responsible, but we talk about this sort of thing in my family, and they were reasured that if i was unhappy with anything that was said, i would talk to them. If you dont feel your teenagers are responsibe enough to be trusted, then you need to tell them where they stand. Same with searching my room when i lived at home, my parents would never dream of invading my privacy like that, mainly cause i earned it. Even when i lost something for a project, my father asked before he looked through my draws.

I have no problems with checking on your children if you feel the need, but please let them know where they stand. Don't snoop behind their back without them knowing your intentions and why you are doing it, or you could end up with some problems later.

 

[wishspirit]

The thing is if your child knows your reading his/her text or email, they just won't say anything on there they don't want you to know. It doesn't mean they are not saying it at some other place and time.

It was important to me to build trust between me and my teens, and trust has to go both ways. Now I can understand the monitering of computer use to an extent for young teens and preteens, but I just don't think that should include private converstations between them and their friends.

OP, it sounds like you already knew something was wrong. Personally, I would have sat her down and talked to her without reading her texts; but we all have to do what we feel is the right way to handle a situation.

Thank You!

 

[DevilDuckie]

Only if you have told her you will do before hand. To me doing it behind her back shows real lack of trust, and will take her a while to gain that trust in you back. Talking to her about the issue first is a much better way of dealing with it, than just sneeking behind her back.

I agree with this. I tell my son when he has no expectation of privacy and when he does. To be dishonest about monitoring is uncalled for. As long as your kid knows you are checking, it's fine. Where you get into a bad area is when you sneak around. Be upfront, tell your kid you're checking up on her and go ahead and do it.

 

[binny]

Just like there is no expectation of privacy with my e-mails at work, my kids know there is no expectation of privacy with their text messages at home. They know that their stuff can and will be monitored, so there is no expectations of their parents not looking, so no surprises there. Text and e-mails around here are treated as they would be treated in a corporate setting. You never know when your bosses are reading your e-mails, both incoming and outgoing. So, they are learning valuable lessons of never putting anything in writing that you wouldn't want Grandma to read.

I agree with the rest of the parents it is not only the right of the parent but the obligation of the parent to monitor their child's activities.

that is exactly our policy as well. The kids know that we reserve the right to read PMs, IMs, monitor internet and phone activity and if I have ANY reason to suspect it, I have a drug test in the cupboard. That was something we have all been very open about. I received a drug test at DSs school at a meeting. I explained to him that if I ever thought he was using I would test him. I also explained to him that he can use that as an "out" if he is feeling pressure. He can just say "cant do it, my mum will test me"

 

[java]

In our home it is known that I can check texts at any time- so when things are getting out of hand I do a quick "what's being texted" check. Only once has it lead to phones being taken away. (inappropriate texting- not sexual- just inappropriate )

 

[haley's mom]

My DH and I both Tried to get information from her prior to looking at her phone. First DH asked who she was texting. She replied 2 of her friends. Ok. That will last a little while then someone inevitably has something better to do.

I asked her several hours later and she said the same 2 girls. Said that the first girl was at her dad's for the weekend and was bored, and she did not know where the 2nd girl was. So she's been texting the 2nd girl for 6+ hours and does not have a clue what she is doing or where she's at?

Also, DD knows the rule of no phone at the dinner table. We've had this discussion many times about how we eat dinner together as a family. Well, she brought the phone to the dinner table. It was on vibrate, but we kept hearing it every few seconds a new message would come through. She acknowledged the phone vibrating, but did not open it to read or respond. Well, stopping in the middle of conversation to tell her phone to be quiet, was as bad as sitting there actually texting in my eyes.

DD ate very little of her dinner, which she requested. Only to return to her room to text again. I saved her meal for her for later when she asked for something to eat.

Finally, we went to visit friends on Sunday. All of us were going swimming. She kept making excuses to leave the pool area (refused to go in) to return to the house. I think she went to the bathroom 5 times in 1 hour. Again, I asked what she was doing, oh, it's my bladder, I can't seem to quit going to the bathroom. I asked are you sure you are just going in to check you phone messages? Of course not was teh response I got. Only for our friends son to tell us he was just in there and she was texting on the phone.

Too many lies in a short period of time. I needed to find out. Seems she is talking to a boy that is 4 years older than her. She's mentioned him in passing, but nothing serious. I am ok with her having a boyfriend (she is almost 16), but she needs to have open communication with us for us to trust her.

 

[MAKmom]

You have the right until they are legally not your responsibility.

 

[Master Mason]

Yes, we actually discussed it like mature adults rather than a 'do as you are told' approach, which on teenagers, never really works. Shes 15 not 5 for petes sake! There is no point telling a teenager what you are going to do, unless they have a chance to say what they feel, or else they will just go behind your back. Wouldn't you prefer your child to be able to talk about their problems to you without you having to provoke them into doing it by checking on them?

My parents told me they were going to watch my intenet usage, i agreed but told them my feelings on the subject, which they agreed were valid. They knew i wouldn't add people i didn't know and all that. My parents trust me to come to them if i have a problem, they also trust me to have a good head on my shoulders! They taught me internet safety, buzzing round me checking every 30 seconds wasn't going to instantly make me 'safe', they needed to know i can actually look out for myself! I had a computer in my room from the age of 16, as my parents trusted me to act sensibly, i had never let them down before. I don't think they really cared to read if my friend had kissed a guy that night, or what she was planning on wearing to the movies. However i did care that my private conversations were becomming everyones buisness. Heck do your kids have to carry around tape machines to school with them to log all those conversations too?

There is a line between protection and smothering. I understand parents checking on their kids (like mine did) but ONLY if it discussed with the child/ teenager first. How are they supposed to know what is expected of them if you don't discuss it first?

I think you need to give your teenagers more credit, and more trust, then maybe they will respect your wishes.

I have a 24 year old and a 16 year old, they both respect my wishes completely, sometimes they will screw up as with any kid or adult for that matter, but respecting my wishes is not one of their problems.

I also don't give my kids any "because i said so", I tell them, this is my decision and why, they are free to discuss it, but I do have the final word. Well, no longer with the 24 year old, because he is an adult, but I did when he was younger.

And my point was you said that you agreed that your parents could monitor your usage so long as they didn't read your MSN, that was what I was reacting to, that would never fly in my house. I am not saying your parents were wrong, but it would never go down like that here.

 

[KAMLEM]

And my point was you said that you agreed that your parents could monitor your usage so long as they didn't read your MSN, that was what I was reacting to, that would never fly in my house. I am not saying your parents were wrong, but it would never go down like that here.

Not here, either. My kids are not going to put any "conditions" on what I can and cannot see. They know that I can see anything I want at anytime. They know that I have a program on their PC's that sends me an email with every website they visit and every message that they send. I spot check them periodically and they are aware of it.

 

[doxdogy]

It wouldn't have flown in my house either. When we first allowed DD to have her "own" AOL account, I set the password. She did not have the password on the master account so she could not change it. She also knew, that if she gave us any reason, we would check her email.

Not here, either. My kids are not going to put any "conditions" on what I can and cannot see. They know that I can see anything I want at anytime. They know that I have a program on their PC's that sends me an email with every website they visit and every message that they send. I spot check them periodically and they are aware of it.

 

[Barb D]

DD15 is currently not speaking to me because I confessed that I once read her text messages.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Only if you have told her you will do before hand. To me doing it behind her back shows real lack of trust, and will take her a while to gain that trust in you back.

I think that most kids, if given notice that their parents will be checking their texts, will be sure to delete any questionable texts so parents can't read them.

Kind of defeats the purpose of advance notice.

 

[Barb D]

I think that most kids, if given notice that their parents will be checking their texts, will be sure to delete any questionable texts so parents can't read them.

Kind of defeats the purpose of advance notice.

 

[HelenePA]

Oh I plan to read my kids text messages, email, and whatever else I feel necessary... I'm not here to be their friend, I'm their parent... I love them and want to keep them safe.... Being their friend comes later in life once they've grown, left my house and have a place of their own...

 

[Michelle67]

I have not personally read text messages, but I'm pretty sure my husband has. We have a no-text rule, but teenagers don't always follow the rules. Beyond text, we have read emails and MySpace entries, and my husband at one time put a keystroke recorder on our daughter's computer to find email accounts etc. that we didn't know about. I have also picked up and read notes that came out of my daughter's pockets in the laundry. Maybe it is "invasive", but in our case it led to finding out things that we REALLY needed to know, which may very well in fact have saved her life. Our daughter was not a "bad" kid (then or now). She was an honors student, pretty level-headed, and a "good" person. But teenagers are so easily influenced by their peers, and can go down a very bad road very quickly without really seeing where they are going in time. I also think my daughter and I have also had a pretty good relationship all her life, but no matter how close you are, you can almost guarantee there are things they WILL NOT TELL YOU. Those things may be completely harmless, but not always. I have no regrets about invading her privacy. I would have regretted it forever if she had wound up dead or raped due to some of the things that were going on in her circle of influence. Bad things happen to "good" people when they make mistakes in judgment, and teenagers by nature are going to make mistakes in judgment.

 

[WonderfulDreamer2]

You not only have a right IMO - you have an obligation. Same with monitoring 100% of computer activity.

I'm surprised you waited this long .