Reading Child's Text Messages....

[haley's mom]

Does anyone read their child's text messages? I never had before yesterday. DD15 was sending text messages every 30 seconds on saturday, Saturday night until 1am (per her telling me this), and all day on Sunday. DD usually sends messages, but not to this extreme case.

Well, DH and I broke down and read who she was texting (a boy). Anyhow, I just feel terrible about this.

Did I have a right to do this as a parent?

 

[breezy1077]

You not only have a right IMO - you have an obligation. Same with monitoring 100% of computer activity.

I'm surprised you waited this long .

 

[Master Mason]

yes I also agree you have a right to do so. But I am also one of those that belive you have a right to look though their rooms etc.

 

[Boo'sMom]

You not only have a right IMO - you have an obligation. Same with monitoring 100% of computer activity.

I'm surprised you waited this long .

 

[FayeW]

Of course you do!

My own opinion, unpopular though it may be, is that for your own children, living in your home and under the age of majority, privacy is a priviledge, not a right. As parents, we have to do whatever we have to do to keep our children safe and sadly, in this age of electronics with cyber bullying, facebook, myspace, MSN, etc, sometimes that means reading their text messages and checking out where they've been on the internet.

If your Spideysense is tingling, there is usually a reason.

 

[mom2boys77]

You not only have a right IMO - you have an obligation. Same with monitoring 100% of computer activity.

I'm surprised you waited this long .

 

[Poohgirl]

You not only have a right IMO - you have an obligation. Same with monitoring 100% of computer activity.

I'm surprised you waited this long .

ITA

 

[Goofyzgurl]

You not only have a right IMO - you have an obligation. Same with monitoring 100% of computer activity.

I'm surprised you waited this long .

 

[wishspirit]

Only if you have told her you will do before hand. To me doing it behind her back shows real lack of trust, and will take her a while to gain that trust in you back. Talking to her about the issue first is a much better way of dealing with it, than just sneeking behind her back.

My parents told me that my internet usage would be monitored whilst i lived at home, i agreed as long as they would not read my MSN messages, since although i knew i was being monitored, my friends didn't. If they told me a secret in confidence, my parents had no right to read it.

They agreed, but went through what was and wasn't acceptable and encouraged me to tell them if i was worried about something.

My parents never checked my phone (to my knowledge) as i paid for it myself and was never a cause for concern (i rarely texted as i was on Pay as you Go).

Snooping without talking to your kids is just a great reason for them not to trust you. If you expect them to be hiding something from you, they probably will be.

When you give a child a phone, or internet usage, explain what you expect from them, rights they have and why you are doing it. This means that they know where they stand, and know how to act appropriatly. It also means if you find something you don't like, then you have a way of talking to them, as they knew what was expected of them in the first place. It also means you can punish appropriately.

Respect works both ways.

 

[INeedaVacation]

Just like there is no expectation of privacy with my e-mails at work, my kids know there is no expectation of privacy with their text messages at home. They know that their stuff can and will be monitored, so there is no expectations of their parents not looking, so no surprises there. Text and e-mails around here are treated as they would be treated in a corporate setting. You never know when your bosses are reading your e-mails, both incoming and outgoing. So, they are learning valuable lessons of never putting anything in writing that you wouldn't want Grandma to read.

I agree with the rest of the parents it is not only the right of the parent but the obligation of the parent to monitor their child's activities.

To take an extreme example: The Columbine killers had guns, bombs and weapons sitting on their dressers. The parents were clueless about their kids because they didn't believe in snooping in their children's rooms. One of them was actively making bombs in his bedroom and the garage.

That does not mean that you don't give them any space at all. It is a difficult balancing act of trust vs. responsible parenting. But as one PP put it - if your spidey (or mommy/daddy) sense is tingling, absolutely. And random checks are ok too just to monitor. But I do agree that the ground rules should be understood.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I agree you should be able to check. You may not have to read every message, but spot checks shouldn't hurt!

 

[4nana]

Children have many many influences parents need to keep on top of.
IMO, Yes, you have the right ~ your house, probably your phone bill.

 

[southurnmimi]

Sure hope y'all have unlimited texting!!!! Otherwise, if you pay by text received and sent, your bill will not be pretty.
If my mom went thru my texts when I was younger, she wouldn't have learned anything new about me. I've never kept things from her because I always figured she'd eventually find out, so why use my energy to be secretive? Parents have a way of finding EVERYTHING out. Irritated the crap out of me in high school too.

 

[Master Mason]

Only if you have told her you will do before hand. To me doing it behind her back shows real lack of trust, and will take her a while to gain that trust in you back. Talking to her about the issue first is a much better way of dealing with it, than just sneeking behind her back.

My parents told me that my internet usage would be monitored whilst i lived at home, i agreed as long as they would not read my MSN messages, since although i knew i was being monitored, my friends didn't. If they told me a secret in confidence, my parents had no right to read it.

They agreed, but went through what was and wasn't acceptable and encouraged me to tell them if i was worried about something.

My parents never checked my phone (to my knowledge) as i paid for it myself and was never a cause for concern (i rarely texted as i was on Pay as you Go).

Snooping without talking to your kids is just a great reason for them not to trust you. If you expect them to be hiding something from you, they probably will be.

Respect works both ways.

You agreed? Sorry if you had been my kid you would have guarenteed the fact that I was now going to read every one of your msn messages, or you were not going to have access to msn.

I do not negotiate with my children, I make a decision based on what I think is best, and that is the way it is. I might have a discussion with them about why I feel it is the best, and if they have some reason that I am wrong in my thinking, I will be happy to listen and decide about what they are saying. But in the end, my decision is what will happen.

 

[wishspirit]

You agreed? Sorry if you had been my kid you would have guarenteed the fact that I was now going to read every one of your msn messages, or you were not going to have access to msn.

I do not negotiate with my children, I make a decision based on what I think is best, and that is the way it is. I might have a discussion with them about why I feel it is the best, and if they have some reason that I am wrong in my thinking, I will be happy to listen and decide about what they are saying. But in the end, my decision is what will happen.

Yes, we actually discussed it like mature adults rather than a 'do as you are told' approach, which on teenagers, never really works. Shes 15 not 5 for petes sake! There is no point telling a teenager what you are going to do, unless they have a chance to say what they feel, or else they will just go behind your back. Wouldn't you prefer your child to be able to talk about their problems to you without you having to provoke them into doing it by checking on them?

My parents told me they were going to watch my intenet usage, i agreed but told them my feelings on the subject, which they agreed were valid. They knew i wouldn't add people i didn't know and all that. My parents trust me to come to them if i have a problem, they also trust me to have a good head on my shoulders! They taught me internet safety, buzzing round me checking every 30 seconds wasn't going to instantly make me 'safe', they needed to know i can actually look out for myself! I had a computer in my room from the age of 16, as my parents trusted me to act sensibly, i had never let them down before. I don't think they really cared to read if my friend had kissed a guy that night, or what she was planning on wearing to the movies. However i did care that my private conversations were becomming everyones buisness. Heck do your kids have to carry around tape machines to school with them to log all those conversations too?

There is a line between protection and smothering. I understand parents checking on their kids (like mine did) but ONLY if it discussed with the child/ teenager first. How are they supposed to know what is expected of them if you don't discuss it first?

I think you need to give your teenagers more credit, and more trust, then maybe they will respect your wishes.

 

[clh2]

DD, 14 doesn't have texting, so no issues there.

We do monitor DD's computer usage, from time to time. Mostly when her attitude gets us wondering "What the heck is going on?"

Much to our surprise, DD's history for that day was she was looking for boarding schools for high school.

 

[KAMLEM]

Only if you have told her you will do before hand. To me doing it behind her back shows real lack of trust, and will take her a while to gain that trust in you back. Talking to her about the issue first is a much better way of dealing with it, than just sneeking behind her back.

My parents told me that my internet usage would be monitored whilst i lived at home, i agreed as long as they would not read my MSN messages, since although i knew i was being monitored, my friends didn't. If they told me a secret in confidence, my parents had no right to read it.

Do you have children old enough to text? If not, you may have a different opinion once you do. I absolutely agree that parents have a right AND an obligation to read text messages and to monitor internet activity.

If my daughter told me I couldn't read certain messages, that's the first place I would look. The whole "secret" argument wouldn't work with me.

 

[haley's mom]

I really do trust dd. That is why I have never looked before. She had some problems with myspace about 2 years ago. DH and I closely monitored her myspace account. We would make her get on it and show us from time to time what was on there. She was a victim of cyber-bullying.

Like I said in my prevous post, something was not right with all of this. She was withdrawn, not eating, texting non-stop, etc.

Now should DH and I tell her what we did? What do we do with the information?

I know my mom snooped through my room. She would find notes that I would write to my friends and ask about things. I knew she did it, she never told me. Did I hate her for it? At the time, yes. Do I see now what she did it? Yes.

 

[lillygator]

I think you have a right to look.
Did you find out anything that needs to be discussed with her?

 

[Planogirl]

I think that you certainly have a right to look particularly if they understand that you plan to do so. I personally won't unless I sense that something is off because I don't believe in it. If something doesn't feel right all bets are off though. YMMV.