Reading Child's Text Messages....

[golfgal]

You not only have a right IMO - you have an obligation. Same with monitoring 100% of computer activity.

I'm surprised you waited this long .

Me too

Yes, we actually discussed it like mature adults rather than a 'do as you are told' approach, which on teenagers, never really works. Shes 15 not 5 for petes sake! There is no point telling a teenager what you are going to do, unless they have a chance to say what they feel, or else they will just go behind your back. Wouldn't you prefer your child to be able to talk about their problems to you without you having to provoke them into doing it by checking on them?

My parents told me they were going to watch my intenet usage, i agreed but told them my feelings on the subject, which they agreed were valid. They knew i wouldn't add people i didn't know and all that. My parents trust me to come to them if i have a problem, they also trust me to have a good head on my shoulders! They taught me internet safety, buzzing round me checking every 30 seconds wasn't going to instantly make me 'safe', they needed to know i can actually look out for myself! I had a computer in my room from the age of 16, as my parents trusted me to act sensibly, i had never let them down before. I don't think they really cared to read if my friend had kissed a guy that night, or what she was planning on wearing to the movies. However i did care that my private conversations were becomming everyones buisness. Heck do your kids have to carry around tape machines to school with them to log all those conversations too?

There is a line between protection and smothering. I understand parents checking on their kids (like mine did) but ONLY if it discussed with the child/ teenager first. How are they supposed to know what is expected of them if you don't discuss it first?

I think you need to give your teenagers more credit, and more trust, then maybe they will respect your wishes.

Print out this post, put it in a safe place and pull it out again when you have a 13 year old and see how much your opinion changes between now and then. I realize teens see this as 'snooping' but parents see this as raising their children--two sides of the same coin as they say.

The thing is if your child knows your reading his/her text or email, they just won't say anything on there they don't want you to know. It doesn't mean they are not saying it at some other place and time.

It was important to me to build trust between me and my teens, and trust has to go both ways. Now I can understand the monitering of computer use to an extent for young teens and preteens, but I just don't think that should include private converstations between them and their friends.

OP, it sounds like you already knew something was wrong. Personally, I would have sat her down and talked to her without reading her texts; but we all have to do what we feel is the right way to handle a situation.

I am not so worried about what MY child is saying--I can hear that most of the time--I am more worried about what the OTHER kids are saying/texting. DD13 had a boy that was texting her. He was making some pretty inappropriate comments. I saw them and it was a great opportunity to talk to her about what is and is not appropriate for boys to say/do to girls. It also helps that her twin brother knows all these boys and can keep an eye on them for me--same goes with DD but I know the girl DS likes and she is very nice.

Snooping is when you are invading the privacy of another grown adult. Monitoring is what you do to ensure you child's safety, and I feel that we have a moral obligation to monitor our kids' activities.

VERY good way of defining this.

Sorry, kids are kids and until they pay the bills and take total responsibility for themselves they still answer to us. I read their text messages, read their Facebook messages, etc. Do they like it, not really but when I explain that I am just making sure they are safe they are ok with it. Especially when I point out that they COULD have a parent the doesn't care one way or another what they do. If I ask them if they would rather have that they immediately answer NO. They all have friends that have parents like that and they are smart enough to know when they have a good thing going .

 

[disykat]

I wonder how many parents went to read their child's stuff right after reading this post? I did.

I do sporadic checks on my son's email - once a month or so. I haven't reminded him I'm doing it, but we discussed it when he first started emailing. Mainly I check to see who he is communicating with.

 

[Va-bear]

Snooping is when you are invading the privacy of another grown adult. Monitoring is what you do to ensure you child's safety, and I feel that we have a moral obligation to monitor our kids' activities.

My children will have the same right to privacy as I UNLESS they show me a strong reason to do otherwise....then I would monitor/snoop, but ONLY then. It doesn't seem like many of the posters here have a strong reason to be checking these things - they just see that there *could* be a problem. As someone pointed out, there is a thin line regarding teens and parents and trust.

I too feel we have strong obligations to our children, but one of many is respect for privacy, unless it is abused.

 

[luvsJack]

I am not so worried about what MY child is saying--I can hear that most of the time--I am more worried about what the OTHER kids are saying/texting. DD13 had a boy that was texting her. He was making some pretty inappropriate comments. I saw them and it was a great opportunity to talk to her about what is and is not appropriate for boys to say/do to girls. It also helps that her twin brother knows all these boys and can keep an eye on them for me--same goes with DD but I know the girl DS likes and she is very nice. .

My point is why could you not have had that talk with her without invading her privacy? BEFORE the boy even spoke to her that way. I realize you don't see as an invasion of privacy, but perhaps she does? Shouldn't even our kids have some sense of self and what is privately theirs? How would you feel if your spouse said "well, I pay the bills and I can listen to your phone conversations?" I am in no way saying we should not moniter our children, regardless of cell phones or computers. We should know their friends and what they do with these friends. We should keep a line of communication open with our children so that they will come to us when someone is bullying them or speaking inappropriatly to them. But we should be able to talk to our kids about all of these issues without reading or listening in on their conversations.

 

[Robinrs]

My point is why could you not have had that talk with her without invading her privacy? BEFORE the boy even spoke to her that way. I realize you don't see as an invasion of privacy, but perhaps she does? Shouldn't even our kids have some sense of self and what is privately theirs? How would you feel if your spouse said "well, I pay the bills and I can listen to your phone conversations?" I am in no way saying we should not moniter our children, regardless of cell phones or computers. We should know their friends and what they do with these friends. We should keep a line of communication open with our children so that they will come to us when someone is bullying them or speaking inappropriatly to them. But we should be able to talk to our kids about all of these issues without reading or listening in on their conversations.

Are you seriously saying that a spouse relationship is the same as a child/parent relationship? We're talking about kids.

It's not about finance, it's about safety. You can have the best relationship with a parent in the world.. I know I did... and still keep monstrous secrets... I know I DID!

I think I have an excellent relationship with my son... but I know how 15yo's are. If we back off and expect them to do the right thing sometimes they will not.

It's a balance. It's not a "do as I say do" thing, it's a hierarchy and a process. Kids can be adorable and sweet and loving Mommy and Daddy till they reach an age that sometimes Mommy and Daddy are just in their way of doing what THEY want to do.

My son's best friend lived across the street from our house. Nice boy, honor student, lovely family. Michael would go over to his house and they would hang out afterschool.

One day I went across the street to check on them and my son ran out of the house before I got there... What's the matter, Mom? I was like

Later he confessed to me that they were looking at "porno" on the boy's computer....

All this time I'm thinking I'm checking the history on OUR computer, making sure he's hanging around NICE kids... yeah, they don't try stuff, do they?

The older they get the slicker they get... I've seen it in the best. Don't EVER believe that your communication is a buffer for what they will try. It's extremely important... but they do try stuff regardless.

 

[luvsJack]

Are you seriously saying that a spouse relationship is the same as a child/parent relationship? We're talking about kids.

It's not about finance, it's about safety.

But, yet everyone keeps saying "as long as I pay their phone bill, I will read their texts."

And I have raised two sons, we went through all the teenage stuff. I know what they can and will do. Believe it or not, we talked about all the bad stuff BEFORE they actually did it. I never snooped into their personal things, never listened in on conversations. I expected teen-age behavior and tried to discuss what was appropriate and what was not beforehand. When there was a problem or a suspected problem, we talked to them; we found out what was going on without snooping. I parented the old fashioned way, direct involvment not snooping around behind them. Did I always get the truth the first time? No, but I learned to tell when I wasn't getting it and eventually I did.

 

[Va-bear]

But, yet everyone keeps saying "as long as I pay their phone bill, I will read their texts."

And I have raised two sons, we went through all the teenage stuff. I know what they can and will do. Believe it or not, we talked about all the bad stuff BEFORE they actually did it. I never snooped into their personal things, never listened in on conversations. I expected teen-age behavior and tried to discuss what was appropriate and what was not beforehand. When there was a problem or a suspected problem, we talked to them; we found out what was going on without snooping. I parented the old fashioned way, direct involvment not snooping around behind them. Did I always get the truth the first time? No, but I learned to tell when I wasn't getting it and eventually I did.

I agree. I know I will fail many times and lies will be told (and I'm sure I probably wont always figure that out...) but lies will be told to the 'monitoring' parents also. I am just hoping that their knowing I trust them will help them to make the right decisions, more often than the wrong ones - as it did when my parents showed me extreme trust and respect. I actually, think that all of these parents who are trying to guide their children away from danger are leading them *to* a mistrust of their parents...a much bigger problem, in my mind. If a child knows he's constantly being monitored it will lead to more secrecy - not less. We can trust our kids AND watch out for their safety at the same time. And letting a child know that you have a strong level of trust and respect for their privacy, respect for who they are, and their abilities to make good chioces, will lead them to feel like winners, who want to do the right thing, simply because it is the right thing - and not because their parents might catch them.

 

[HSMndLKfan92]

As a residential 15 year old, I'll answer too.

Personally, I'd be really angry if my mother did this behind my back. It's an invasion of my privacy. Yes, I'd understand her motives after being quite angry about it, but I'd still be angry nonetheless.

If she had asked beforehand, I wouldn't have a problem. I have nothing to hide, but I'm a rather secretive kid, so that would make it awkward for me.

To compromise, my mom checks over my phone bill and asks whose number is whose.

 

[luvsJack]

I agree. I know I will fail many times and lies will be told (and I'm sure I probably wont always figure that out...) but lies will be told to the 'monitoring' parents also. I am just hoping that their knowing I trust them will help them to make the right decisions, more often than the wrong ones - as it did when my parents showed me extreme trust and respect. I actually, think that all of these parents who are trying to guide their children away from danger are leading them *to* a mistrust of their parents...a much bigger problem, in my mind. If a child knows he's constantly being monitored it will lead to more secrecy - not less. We can trust our kids AND watch out for their safety at the same time. And letting a child know that you have a strong level of trust and respect for their privacy, respect for who they are, and their abilities to make good chioces, will lead them to feel like winners, who want to do the right thing, simply because it is the right thing - and not because their parents might catch them.

ITA!! I know that my boys many times made the right choice because they did not want to do anything to mess up the trust I have in them. The valued my trust and did what they needed to to keep it.

 

[MushyMushy]

I wonder how many parents went to read their child's stuff right after reading this post? I did.

I do sporadic checks on my son's email - once a month or so. I haven't reminded him I'm doing it, but we discussed it when he first started emailing. Mainly I check to see who he is communicating with.

Well, I did tell my kids way early on when they started using the internet that I reserved the right to monitor their chats. They readily agreed, but that was a long time ago and they've forgotten. It's not MY fault they forgot is it? It's not MY fault that my oldest is such a know-it-all that he thinks he knows more about computers than us, is it?

 

[catycatcat4]

Something i wanted to point out.

You guys have no idea how EASY it is to lock parents out of stuff and get around it i dont do any thing bad just talk to people from school browse movie and music related stuff watch a few animes.

BTW just bc they say something like dont read this message is not becase its bad its bc its nice to have talk to someone with out every little detail being read by parents.

Monotoring is one thing but stalking obesivly is another only stalk if theres somethign wrong.

 

[HelenePA]

Something i wanted to point out.

You guys have no idea how EASY it is to lock parents out of stuff and get around it i dont do any thing bad just talk to people from school browse movie and music related stuff watch a few animes.

BTW just bc they say something like dont read this message is not becase its bad its bc its nice to have talk to someone with out every little detail being read by parents.

Monotoring is one thing but stalking obesivly is another only stalk if theres somethign wrong.

Ummm how old are you? please use spell check its your friend and as easy as if is for you to lock stuff out, its as easy as us putting a key logger on the computer and tracking your every single move. You might think your getting away with something but in the end the eyes in the back of your parents head know and see all.

 

[bettyann29]

Ummm how old are you? please use spell check its your friend and as easy as if is for you to lock stuff out, its as easy as us putting a key logger on the computer and tracking your every single move. You might think your getting away with something but in the end the eyes in the back of your parents head know and see all.

Thank you! You took the words right out of my mouth..

 

[HelenePA]

Anyone want to guess how old catycatcat4 is? maybe its in their profile??

 

[catycatcat4]

Ummm how old are you? please use spell check its your friend and as easy as if is for you to lock stuff out, its as easy as us putting a key logger on the computer and tracking your every single move. You might think your getting away with something but in the end the eyes in the back of your parents head know and see all.

Its as easie to get away with as logging in with an new account or as them at least with the program they use realy isnt the best one around.

 

[catycatcat4]

Anyone want to guess how old catycatcat4 is? maybe its in their profile??

ummm im 15 not 3 and as for spelling they don't realy teach that in school often.

 

[Stitchfans]

You not only have a right IMO - you have an obligation. Same with monitoring 100% of computer activity.

I'm surprised you waited this long .

 

[HelenePA]

Its as easie to get away with as logging in with an new account or as them at least with the program they use realy isnt the best one around.

Trust me they'll find out, and they wont be happy when they do

 

[Stitchfans]

ummm im 15 not 3 and as for spelling they don't realy teach that in school often.

in elementary school they do and you should have a better knowledge of how to spell words by your age. besides in middle school and high school when you have to write an essay the teacher will correct you and you should learn by your mistakes. no excuse, dear.

 

[Michelle67]

It doesn't seem like many of the posters here have a strong reason to be checking these things - they just see that there *could* be a problem. As someone pointed out, there is a thin line regarding teens and parents and trust.

I understand your point, but I respectfully disagree. I myself was a high-honors student in AP classes, involved with school activities, involved in volunteer search and rescue, and to all appearances a darn nearly perfect kid. Even said "sir" and "ma'am" to my elders. But I still ended up out partying, going to powerline keggers which by their very nature lead to either drunk driving or riding with someone who is, and winding myself up in situations that were unsafe in other ways as well. My parents weren't checking up on me because I was so obviously "trustworthy" and such a "good kid." I'm glad I survived all of it, but my parents could so easily have been blind-sided by a phone call at 3am to tell them I was dead in a drunken car crash, any one of dozens of weekends my Junior and Senior years. I wasn't even hanging out with "bad" kids. I was out partying with the student government, the jocks, and the cheerleaders. Staying the night with other glistening examples of student/teen success. Please don't assume that just because your kid doesn't show any outward signs that something is "going on," that nothing really is.

The same applied to my daughter. Another honors student, AP classes, involved in sports...and wound up getting into some very frightening stuff. Now that she is outside that situation we can talk honestly about it, and I've found out even more things that would have scared me to death. At the time, I was having all the "right" talks with her, and she was blowing me off (we don't really "know" their friends, and nothing we've experienced applies to them) and lying like a pro. We found out what we needed to know the "sneaky" way, and as I said before I'll take invading her privacy over attending her funeral any day.

Part of what parents sometimes forget is that no matter how good your relationship with your teen is, at some point nearly 100% of them go through a period, longer or shorter, where they truly believe that you can not relate to them, and that the world is just so different from when you were "young" that you can not possibly understand what they are experiencing, feeling, or thinking. Nearly all of them go through a period where their friends are THE guiding star in their lives, and they will take the word and the experience of another 15-17 year old over their parents in many situations. If you try to point out something you know about, something you've seen happen, they will with great ire tell you that their friends aren't like that, that that could never happen with/to their friends. Nearly all of them go through a period of akwardness, where they are trying to find a place to "belong." It is at exactly this point (or sometimes even younger of course) that gangs step in. The gang mentality is based largely on capitalising on the idea that your parents don't get it, the world is a whole different place, and that THEY (the gang members) are your true family, the ones who really "have your back" and who are really there for you. They don't often stop to think about the fact that if they weren't involved in that sort of lifestyle, it really wouldn't be that necessary to have a group of people to "have your back." And while gangs are not prevalent everywhere, you might be surprised by where the ARE. Gang members don't always look, talk, or act like what you see in the movies.

Anyhow, sorry for preaching. But it upsets me when people think that problems can only happen with kids who are not trustworthy, or whose parents don't talk to them. The teen years are a minefield. Anyone can be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or take a mis-step that can be life altering----or life ending.