Reading Child's Text Messages....

[DisGirlAllie]

I'm guessing I'm the rude one to the teen's... Sorry if anyone feels this way.. but its REALLY different when your a parent.. Teen's don't assume your parents are stupid.. we really aren't. We do know what your doing most of the time. We just like to make sure there isn't anything else going on in your life that we should know about. IE Sex, drugs, drinking, being with older people who can take advantage of you.

We may seem like it, but we really do know are parents aren't stupid. I mean, they're like 20+ years older than us. They are bound to be a BIT wiser.

ETA: But just remember, we are people too. We have a fairly high level of intelligence and we do not like feeling belittled. And we really do take your commets to heart.

 

[HelenePA]

We may seem like it, but we really do know are parents aren't stupid. I mean, they're like 20+ years older than us. They are bound to be a BIT wiser.

Well your a better teen than I was.. I thought mine were dumber than doornails

 

[DisGirlAllie]

Well your a better teen than I was.. I thought mine were dumber than doornails

Well I'm not saying they don't have their moments

 

[TaraLee4]

My first point:

You child doesn't need the computer at your house to 'be sneaky' they can do that at school or at a friends house and you would never know because if they have a hotmail account that they only use at xx's house, how are you going to check that? Bar them from going anywhere?

My second point:

I rarely talk to my mother anymore because she decided when i was 17 that i was 'trouble' (straight a student with a full time job for work credit that stayed home nearly weekend was a bad child.) okay. This called for her to check my car and cell phone (both of which i paid for myself) go through my room while i was at work and even showed up at my job and my friends houses to make sure that i was actually there when i said i'd be(which, surprise, i was)

The reason? because she felt like it. Except that reason was also the reason that I moved out the day after i turned 18, and also the reason that i don't talk to her much almost 5 years later

She preached how respect, trust and communication needed to be a two way street then went behind my back. So I don't trust her. Maybe my feelings will change when i'm 30 but i doubt it.

Will i change my feelings because i have kids? i doubt it because i won't be having children. But i believe that a child deserves to be able to earn your respect and trust through open communicaition. If you have to snoop through their things then there obviously isn't any of those things.

You have a right to parent, and a right to look through things if it is deemed necessary (ie, suspected drug use, drop in grades, etc) but to do it 'just because' you'll push your kids away.

 

[Planogirl]

I fail to see what how well someone spells has to do with the subject at hand?

As for that subject, I disagree with many here and I'm no kid. I believe in giving my son as much privacy as possible because that's also how I was raised. Of course, it's a lot easier to read IM's and emails than to listen in on phone calls and private conversations which is all I had when I was a kid.

However if DS gets out of line somehow or gives me any doubt any privileges go away. I will however explain to him what I'm doing because I don't want him to be sneaky and I won't be that way either. JMO.

 

[Stitchfans]

i have a couple things to say.

its not a big deal for a parent to check on a kids stuff. you shouldn't feel ashamed to do so.

and

a sixteen year old doesn't have a whole big lot in common with a twenty year old.

and

you guys are kinda rude to the teen board posters who have come over here. i can see why a lot of teens are reluctant to post on the community board now. i get that her spelling is atrocious, but anyone can figure out what she's trying to say. my spelling skills aren't that great either, i just have a browser with a spell check installed.

Shelby, to be honest, I really don't think any of the adults feel the least bit ashamed when we check up on what our children are doing. We do it out of love and because we want to keep our children safe. I thought I mentioned that a bit earlier.

As far as us being rude to the teen board posters. I respectfully disagree with you there. Many adults have a problem with spelling. At times even I will misspell a word. Had the young lady worded her post differently my guess is no one would of said a word.

I would hope with all my heart that my DD or any of her friends would feel comfortable enough to come to me with any problem that they would have. I try to not be judgemental and often I will just listen. I consider myself to be a very fair person, no matter what age the person is that I am dealing with. So there is no reason why the teen board posters should shy away from the community board. Yes there may be some adults that are mean, rude, judgemental, but the same goes for some of the teen board posters too. Am I right?

 

[Stitchfans]

My first point:

You child doesn't need the computer at your house to 'be sneaky' they can do that at school or at a friends house and you would never know because if they have a hotmail account that they only use at xx's house, how are you going to check that? Bar them from going anywhere?

My second point:

I rarely talk to my mother anymore because she decided when i was 17 that i was 'trouble' (straight a student with a full time job for work credit that stayed home nearly weekend was a bad child.) okay. This called for her to check my car and cell phone (both of which i paid for myself) go through my room while i was at work and even showed up at my job and my friends houses to make sure that i was actually there when i said i'd be(which, surprise, i was)

The reason? because she felt like it. Except that reason was also the reason that I moved out the day after i turned 18, and also the reason that i don't talk to her much almost 5 years later

She preached how respect, trust and communication needed to be a two way street then went behind my back. So I don't trust her. Maybe my feelings will change when i'm 30 but i doubt it.

Will i change my feelings because i have kids? i doubt it because i won't be having children. But i believe that a child deserves to be able to earn your respect and trust through open communicaition. If you have to snoop through their things then there obviously isn't any of those things.

You have a right to parent, and a right to look through things if it is deemed necessary (ie, suspected drug use, drop in grades, etc) but to do it 'just because' you'll push your kids away.

All I can say to this is. Your post just broke my heart. I truely feel bad for you. I'm very sorry this happened, or is still happening to you.

 

[Caring = Creepy]

I'm guessing I'm the rude one to the teen's... Sorry if anyone feels this way.. but its REALLY different when your a parent.. Teen's don't assume your parents are stupid.. we really aren't. We do know what your doing most of the time. We just like to make sure there isn't anything else going on in your life that we should know about. IE Sex, drugs, drinking, being with older people who can take advantage of you.

Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude but if you're going to belittle teens about spelling, I'd say you should learn how to piece a sentence together correctly. The grammar in this post isn't up to the par that you set for everyone under the age of 20, nor is the grammar in most of your previous posts for that matter.

I'd also like to say that it's an indication that something is wrong when there is barely any trust between a teen and his/her parents. The problem lies deeper than simply checking up on texts. Why not read every email? Why not listen in to every phone conversation? Why not stalk them at a public mall when they're with their friends? Parents need to establish a mutual respect for privacy between their sons and daughters.

 

[Ashes8380]

My first point:

You child doesn't need the computer at your house to 'be sneaky' they can do that at school or at a friends house and you would never know because if they have a hotmail account that they only use at xx's house, how are you going to check that? Bar them from going anywhere?

Absolutely! I'm a public librarian and teens use the computers there all the time. I think it's imperative to teach them how to be responsible and make smart decisions, rather than just scaring them into not doing certain things when they know you can check up on them.

I wasn't even hanging out with "bad" kids. I was out partying with the student government, the jocks, and the cheerleaders. Staying the night with other glistening examples of student/teen success. Please don't assume that just because your kid doesn't show any outward signs that something is "going on," that nothing really is.

Also, this is very important to consider: The kids you think are "bad" might be and vice versa! When I was in high school I was what you would call a punk rock kid, still am, only I dress up for work now! My parents hated my music, hated the fact that I insisted on dressing funny, and I honestly think in some ways they wished I was a little more "normal". However, I got in far, far less trouble than many kids who looked like they were the model teen. There is less alcohol, drugs, sex, etc... at a club or even a basement show than there is at an after prom party! While my parents may have been frustrated with me, I think it was to my benefit that I wasn't subject to a lot of the peer pressure that a lot of kids on sports teams, clubs, etc. I'm not saying they are bad kids either - but I think there is a LOT of pressure in those circles and I don't envy the kids who get the brunt of it.

 

[imabrat]

If a parent suspects something is up, then by all means check the texts/internet/whatever. You'd regret it more when your child is in a rough place because you didn't check up on them.
However, when there is nothing to worry about and the parents check, then it becomes an invasion of privacy. How would you like it if your child just decided to check up on your messages/email/internet for no reason?
If a parent MUST check their childs stuff when there isn't worry, there is an underlying problem. They need to see a counselor for help.

My mom does sporadic checks. She thinks I don't know but I do. And I'm not worried, I have nothing to hide.

Also, just because you check at home, doesn't mean they can't get around it anywhere else. I can't tell you how many times I see peers log into sites at school using blocking codes because it's forbidden. It happens all the time.

 

[luvsJack]

We have had the talk many time, this was a reinforcement of those talks. As far as invading her privacy, nope, sorry, she is my child and her private life is MY private life. Once she is out on her own and responsible for herself, she will then have her own private life but again, I am her parent, not her friend. It is my job to parent her and not be her 'buddy'. I trust her, she is a great kid, but the occasional monitoring of her text messages is part of me being a parent and she is old enough to understand that. It IS one way to keep the lines of communication open, which is NOT a problem for DD at all. I have nothing to hide from my DH so big deal if he listened to my phone conversations but then again, I am adult, DH is an adult, DD is 13--HUGE difference.QUOTE]

My point about the spouse and the phone call was not about comparing a child to an adult; it asking how would YOU like to have YOUR privacy invaded. And if any of you seriously thing snooping is going to stop your teen from doing anything, I am afraid you will be sadly mistaken.

When I was a teen my parents gave me trust until I did something to lose that trust; I was not allowed to run wild but was allowed a certain amount of freedom until I abused that right. I had two friends that were not allowed to do anything or go anywhere; their parents never trusted them. Guess who ended up on drugs and pregnant? Now this comparision isn't exactly the same but just to point out that all their control of their children didn't prevent anything.

Kids are not stupid. If they want to get around their parent's snooping they will do it. And guess what, long before there were cell phones and computers to snoop in parents were able to parent their children by spending time with them, by teaching them right from wrong. Sometimes good parents still have kids that do bad things; but snooping is not going to prevent that and could make the problem worse. If you don't trust your child, why should they try and make you feel any different? Give them a chance. If they mess up, or give you reason to suspect something then by all means do what you can to find out what's going on, but first why not try talking to them.

 

[Stitchfans]

I really don't see any reason for this thread to go on. It is quite apparent that some think that all parents are "out to get you" we invade your privacy, and yet each one says you have nothing to hide.

I did take the advice and did check out what you all where saying on the teen board and from what I can see the "team leader" who is antagonizing you all along is Drama Queen who I might add is a bit older than all of you and should know better. Plus another girl, who if memory serves me is 16 but I forgot her name.

There is no reason why you all should stay away from here, just because some adults belittle you, as you say. Guess what? Adults belittle adults too. It is just a fact of life.

DisGirlAllie: From what I can see you have a good head on your shoulders. As far as having problems phrasing things- well I also have problems with that sometimes. So what.

Imabrat: saying parents need to seek out a counselor, not very nice, if you ask me. Again as I have said, "sometimes parents need to check up on their children"

if the son or daughter feels the need to be sneaky and go elsewhere. What can we do? Nothing. Right? Well, forgive me for saying this, but if something happens and we are unaware of it- we can't help you. You will be on your own.

Caring=Creepy: Two wrong don't make a right. Belittling HelenePA on her grammar and such. Practice what you preach. Fair is fair.

Often I have made the comment that yes, teen agers are automatically thought to be "bad", "trouble-makers", so on. Working at a high school I do often see the students being "picked on" by adults. It is a real real shame that people often only remember the "bad" ones and not the "good" ones.
Because the good ones IMO outnumber the bad ones.

Sorry this is turning out to be too long and may be thought as a lecture. Not meant to be. Just as you all want us as adults to give you the benifit of the doubt, please be fair and do the same for some of us.

 

[disneegrl4eva]

Yes, we actually discussed it like mature adults rather than a 'do as you are told' approach, which on teenagers, never really works. Shes 15 not 5 for petes sake! There is no point telling a teenager what you are going to do, unless they have a chance to say what they feel, or else they will just go behind your back. Wouldn't you prefer your child to be able to talk about their problems to you without you having to provoke them into doing it by checking on them?

My parents told me they were going to watch my intenet usage, i agreed but told them my feelings on the subject, which they agreed were valid. They knew i wouldn't add people i didn't know and all that. My parents trust me to come to them if i have a problem, they also trust me to have a good head on my shoulders! They taught me internet safety, buzzing round me checking every 30 seconds wasn't going to instantly make me 'safe', they needed to know i can actually look out for myself! I had a computer in my room from the age of 16, as my parents trusted me to act sensibly, i had never let them down before. I don't think they really cared to read if my friend had kissed a guy that night, or what she was planning on wearing to the movies. However i did care that my private conversations were becomming everyones buisness. Heck do your kids have to carry around tape machines to school with them to log all those conversations too?

There is a line between protection and smothering. I understand parents checking on their kids (like mine did) but ONLY if it discussed with the child/ teenager first. How are they supposed to know what is expected of them if you don't discuss it first?

I think you need to give your teenagers more credit, and more trust, then maybe they will respect your wishes.

you know Kate I understand where you are coming from and I honestly feel that it depends on the generation of the parent...I hated the fact that my parents did the do as your told, because i said so bit so I tried my best not to do that to my dd...I dont mean I asked for her permission or anything but I trusted her...I feel that if you and your child have a good trusting relationship and you keep the lines of communication open then there is really no need to be sneaky..if you have a good relationship with your child then you will be able to tell if things start seeming "not right" with them...and then I feel you can start snooping if you dont feel they are being truthful...but not right away just because you can...I think thats wrong...but its just my opinion

 

[imabrat]

I did take the advice and did check out what you all where saying on the teen board and from what I can see the "team leader" who is antagonizing you all along is Drama Queen who I might add is a bit older than all of you and should know better. Plus another girl, who if memory serves me is 16 but I forgot her name.



Imabrat: saying parents need to seek out a counselor, not very nice, if you ask me. Again as I have said, "sometimes parents need to check up on their children"

if the son or daughter feels the need to be sneaky and go elsewhere. What can we do? Nothing. Right? Well, forgive me for saying this, but if something happens and we are unaware of it- we can't help you. You will be on your own.

I think you might have misunderstood. I ment absolutely,positively HAD to check on their child when there was no reason to have suspicion. To the point where the parent couldn't trust the child, even when the child gave no reason for suspicion. I understand parents check up on their children, but I was trying to relate to another post. The post where the mother had constantly checked up on the now older daughter, when she was nothing but a straight A student with a job who paid for her phone and car. It upset the daughter so much she now doesn't speak to the mother.
I completely understand why parents check up on their children, I just don't see it warranted unless there is suspicion.

Forgive me for being ignorant, but I don't see how DramaQueen is "antagonizing" us.

 

[kinntj]

When I was a teen my parents gave me trust until I did something to lose that trust; I was not allowed to run wild but was allowed a certain amount of freedom until I abused that right.

This is how I was raised and hope to do the same to my children.

In horse terms, sometimes you have to loosen the reins a bit and see where they go and if they stray you have to tighten them. Monitoring shouldn't be something you do all the time, but it should be done when you are seeing changes.

To the OP, I don't have a problem with you checking your DD's texts, because you suspected something and you checked to make sure of her safety. I would make sure to ask her next time who's she's texting so much in a teasing way. Ask questions about this guy and I'm sure she'll tell you what she thinks you need to know. Just keep the communication open and you're all set.

Good luck to all you parents with teens. Your gut instincts are usually the right ones.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow... as long as my child is a minor, and it is my cellphone, my computer, my liability as a parent... Yes, I make no apologies for saying that I agree that a parent has a right and an obligation.

However, this thread has just gone nuts... All of the sudden, any involvement of a parent regarding a minor child... (The OP's child was not 16 or seventeen, but only 15.) is now accused of smothering, an invasion of privacy, etc.. etc...

Just because there are some parents who micromanage, smother, and truly invade their childrens lives on a full time basis.. does NOT mean that responsible monitering of a minor child's affairs is wrong.

As much as some teens might complain... And, naturally, I realize that they will.. Until you are an adult (or almost an adult) and are making your own way in the world.. Well, you are simply not an adult.

As long as my son is a minor child, living under my roof, and I am LIABLE for anything that he may become involved with.... YES, it is not only my right, but my responsibility to actually, GASP, be a 'parent'.

One gets full autonomy and privacy once they become 18 and become self sufficient... At that time.... that is when I say PARENTS.. BACK OFF!!!!

 

[DramaQueen]

I did take the advice and did check out what you all where saying on the teen board and from what I can see the "team leader" who is antagonizing you all along is Drama Queen who I might add is a bit older than all of you and should know better.

I fail to see how I am antagonizing my friends by asking them their opinion on how they feel about their parents reading their texts/emails.

 

[GoofyWaterCoaster]

I am ok with a spot check every now and then, but not a check all the time. And, who cares about bad spelling? I found that really insulting because I find myself to spell very well. Whoever said that made it seem like every kid in Middle School couldn't spell. I would find it even more insulting if I was one of those people that was not the best of spellers.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I'd like to throw in my 2 cents. I am 23, so for me teen years were not that long ago. I was a little miss goody two shoes, but my parents still checked up on me. We didn't have a specific policy for the computer, but then there wasn't one needed. I went to college when I was 15 in Virginia (I am from Missouri) so it was a whole different ballgame for us than it was for most families. I also tell my parents everything, always have and probably always will. However, having seen what some of my friends and acquaintances were up to, I'd say that is not the norm.

While my parents did not check e-mails or IMs (I didn't have a cell until I was a sophomore in college), I would not be upset if they did. I remember well when Columbine happened, I was 14 at the time. I remember hearing about all of the paraphernalia in their rooms and wondering how the parents could not possibly have known. I remember the boys' soccer coaches saying how they always considered the parents model parents. You can bet your boots that when I have chlidren there will be monitoring going on. I have a feeling that had I not dropped out of high school in ninth grade to go to college, there would have been monitoring during my teen years.

I am currently working on a Master's in Education and am teaching 6th grade reading for summer school. It amazes me the things the kids say about what they're doing when they think we're not listening or paying attention. Even at 11 and 12 I think some of their parents need to be monitoring these children if they aren't already.

I remember being 15 and I remember my friends getting into all kinds of shenanigans because their parents did not believe in "snooping". Several of them are lucky that they did not get themselves seriously injured or worse. I remember thinking at that age that I knew it all, and I look back and see just how naive I was. With predators stalking the internet and an epidemic of cyberbullying, a parent needs to check up on their child at least sometimes. That being said, I think that kids need to be aware that a parent intends to do so, and monitoring shouldn't replace open communication.

To the teens who have posted on this thread: The sad truth is, if you want people to respect your opinion you have to know how to present yourself. People make snap judgments online. If you do not spell well, fail to capitalize, or use improper grammar, people are less likely to take you seriously. Is it right? Probably not, but that's the way it is. I'm glad that you decided to make your opinion known, I'm sure it's nice for adults to be reminded sometimes of what it was like to be a teenager. However, if you post in a defensive manner, expect people to respond in kind. Look at Allie's posts. She expressed her opinion in a respectful manner, and that is what she received in return. You could learn a lot by looking at how she expresses herself on the internet.

 

[golfgal]

i have a couple things to say.

its not a big deal for a parent to check on a kids stuff. you shouldn't feel ashamed to do so.

and

a sixteen year old doesn't have a whole big lot in common with a twenty year old.

and

you guys are kinda rude to the teen board posters who have come over here. i can see why a lot of teens are reluctant to post on the community board now. i get that her spelling is atrocious, but anyone can figure out what she's trying to say. my spelling skills aren't that great either, i just have a browser with a spell check installed.

The point people are making is that they gave her a suggestion to help her spelling and she simply blamed it on 'not learning it in school". You know you aren't a good speller so you installed spell check. Guess what, I am not a good speller either and I have spell check too. You just don't blame things on someone else, step up to the plate and do something to fix it.