Question for blended families.

[Over the Rainbow]

My husband and I have been married for a year and half. My question is when you marry into a family does your new in-laws shop and and give gifts the same as they do for the biological grandchildren? My issue is my mother in-law makes huge difference between my girls and my husbands boys. I assumed when we married that we (my girls and I were family as well). I don't care that she does not spend much on me but its hard watching her give very minor gifts to my girls and no birthday gifts when she gives gifts and large sums of money to my step children. Please be honest. My husband said he would be all right if my family did that but I don't think he would. Is my husband right am I over reacting?

 

[rie'smom]

My husband and I have been married for a year and half. My question is when you marry into a family does your new in-laws shop and and give gifts the same as they do for the biological grandchildren? My issue is my mother in-law makes huge difference between my girls and my husbands boys. I assumed when we married that we (my girls and I were family as well). I don't care that she does not spend much on me but its hard watching her give very minor gifts to my girls and no birthday gifts when she gives gifts and large sums of money to my step children. Please be honest. My husband said he would be all right if my family did that but I don't think he would. Is my husband right am I over reacting?

No, I don't think that you are overreacting. I'm sorry your and your children are experiencing this from your MIL. I had a 4 yo son when my husband and I started dating and his mother-later my MIL- never treated my son any differently. It's a shame that your husband does not support your feelings.

 

[mjantz]

I am not a MIL but my SIL for a time was married to a man who had a DD. I treated her just like her step-siblings (my nephews). It never occured to me to do anything different. If someone in the family marries someone with kids they are part of the family & treated equally.

 

[luvsJack]

Do your kids get big gifts from their father and the boys not get anything from their mother? Does your family give equal gifts and does your mil know this?

If those two things are equal then your dh should ask his mother to be more equal.

I am very fortunate in that my inlaws always gave my sons the same Christmas gifts as their bio-grandkids.

 

[Belle0101]

My husband and I have been married for a year and half. My question is when you marry into a family does your new in-laws shop and and give gifts the same as they do for the biological grandchildren? My issue is my mother in-law makes huge difference between my girls and my husbands boys. I assumed when we married that we (my girls and I were family as well). I don't care that she does not spend much on me but its hard watching her give very minor gifts to my girls and no birthday gifts when she gives gifts and large sums of money to my step children. Please be honest. My husband said he would be all right if my family did that but I don't think he would. Is my husband right am I over reacting?

When DH & I were first married his mom, my MIL, gave cash gifts to DH and me for Christmas. My DS got a toy as did DH 2 children.

Birthdays were for bio. relatives only.

Then we had a child. Christmas over the years has changed to cash gifts to all our family - DH, me and our children (his, hers and ours).

Birthdays remain for bio. relatives only. So yes, our DS would get a birthday gift but not my DS or myself. I'm a big girl, I can accept that she didn't want to acknowledge me but to ignore my DS?

DH has 1 step-brother and 2 half siblings. I don't know if she gives gifts to her step-son or anyone in his family. We've never asked.

I do know that the families of the 2 half siblings, which now includes 5 non-bio. children, all receive gifts at Christmas. All the children get toys.

I don't understand it. She clearly favors DH half brother and his family. She doesn't try to hide it at all. It's causing a degree of animosity between family members.

 

[Pakey]

I have been married 25 years with a blended family (my husband had 2 young boys, I had one).

Although we treat the boys equally, our families did not and still do not (this was/is true for both my family and my husband's family). It was not a big deal to my husband and I. By the time the boys were old enough to realize it, they were also old enough to understand the whole step-family relationship. It's not like my son didn't also get gifts from my ex/family and my step-sons also had their mom/family.

 

[krcit]

Both of my brothers and my BIL married women with children from prior marriages. They are my family now and are treated exactly like my bio nieces and nephews.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I'm the grown child of a blended family. Yes, this happened on both sides. We did not care about this then and still do not. We were very happy to get any gift at all from our step-grandparents/aunts/uncles. We did not care in the least if our step-siblings biological relatives got them something more expensive.

 

[superme80]

My sister has a step son and he is a regular grandchild in our family. I think it is a shame your mother in law is doing that.

 

[Over the Rainbow]

My parents are on fixed income so no gifts form them, and the girls do not get any gifts form their father (i don't know if it is his new wife or he really can't afford it). My husbands ex goes all out things like XBox 360 PlayStation and so on. My husband an I spend the same on all children down to a couple dollars apiece. I'm thinking about skipping Christmas next year at in-laws just so my girls don't have to see how big the difference is.

 

[GAGirlInVA]

We treat everyone equal. Not everyone does. My MIL tried favoring my youngest daughter. (My oldest is from my previous marriage but DH and I have been together since she was 6 weeks old.) That didn't fly and my husband was the one to say something.. I didn't even have the chance before he told her.

When my youngest was born, she tried to favor him too. (We adopted our oldest son.) That didn't fly either.

 

[kidzmom3]

A serious question, not trying to cause major problems. Can you expect a grandparent to feel the same way to their childrens step children as they do for their biological grandchildren? How long would you need to know the step children and how much time would you need to spend with them to achieve this bond?

I don't necessarily agree with not giving presents or making a child feel unwanted. The child cannot help their parents divorce and remarriage. Just, are we expecting too much from relatives? They haven't had your experience of dating and getting to know the new family members. They did not choose to fall in love with a new family?

 

[mommasita]

,

I honestly don't know the answer to that, BUT, how about husbands and wives? Do you give as much or as little to a DIL or SIL? In our family we do, both sides. My mother gave DH and I, the exact same amount of $, since this was her gift of choice, and my FIL gave DH and I the exact same as well. It has always been the case, since our first Xmas together.

OP: In a perfect world, this should NEVER happen, I am sorry this is happening to your children. Personally, I think I can say, if this would never happen to me. Having A step mother, and a step father that have always made me feel like their own, it is how I will do it.

 

[mjantz]

A serious question, not trying to cause major problems. Can you expect a grandparent to feel the same way to their childrens step children as they do for their biological grandchildren? How long would you need to know the step children and how much time would you need to spend with them to achieve this bond?

I don't necessarily agree with not giving presents or making a child feel unwanted. The child cannot help their parents divorce and remarriage. Just, are we expecting too much from relatives? They haven't had your experience of dating and getting to know the new family members. They did not choose to fall in love with a new family?

As I said, I'm not a grandparent but an aunt. For me, when my SIL married her now ex-husband, his daughter became my niece & she is 'entitled' (bad word but best I can come up with) to all the things I do for her step-siblings.

 

[Agri]

My husband and I have been married for a year and half. My question is when you marry into a family does your new in-laws shop and and give gifts the same as they do for the biological grandchildren? My issue is my mother in-law makes huge difference between my girls and my husbands boys. I assumed when we married that we (my girls and I were family as well). I don't care that she does not spend much on me but its hard watching her give very minor gifts to my girls and no birthday gifts when she gives gifts and large sums of money to my step children. Please be honest. My husband said he would be all right if my family did that but I don't think he would. Is my husband right am I over reacting?

You're not overreacting. If your husband is fine with it, let your relatives know the situation. If your parents cannot afford gifts for your kids, set aside some of your own money so they can get them something - even if it is just a gift card.

I would have a serious talk with him about just how uneven the situation is for your kids and what can be done about it. By some quirk of fate, his sons are getting the pants spoiled off of them and your daughters are losing out and he should *not* be *that* okay with it. Neither of you are to blame, but you should be able to figure out some way to make it work. Otherwise, your daughters are probably going to end up having a really rough time of things when it comes to family.

And - I don't think it has anything to do with an emotional bond. I don't have to feel close someone to buy them something. I, personally, have a conscience and I would feel horrible if I bought a child a Wii and gave their step-sibling a toy from the dollar store just because I didn't feel 'close' to the step-sibling.

 

[canadianjovigirl]

I have been married for over 10 years and had a daughter prior to my marriage (not my husbands bio child) and then we had a daughter together as well as our son that we adopted together and his family (parents, sister, nephews) have always treated my daughter like it was his child and now all 3 kids are treated the same. He has no other kids, so not sure if that makes a difference, but i am so very greatful that they loved her from the start and accepted her as if she was one of their own!!!

So sorry you have to go threw that as it wouldnt be acceptable to me as when your husband married you he accepted your kids and vice versa so the family should to.

 

[Crazy4Disney72]

I am a stepchild so my kids are stepgrandchildren/great-grandchildren, etc. My stepgrandparents never treated me the same as their biological grandchildren. I would get a very little token something at Christmas while my stepsiblings got several gifts and money. Now that I have kids, it's the same way with my stepgrandparents. A little $5 gift for my kids and a lot for their biological grandchildren. A previous poster mentioned something about whether grandparents would be as bonded to a stepgrandchild as a biological one....that has nothing to do with it in my case, as my stepsiblings children who live halfway across the country and in one case have never even met their great-grandparents still get way more than my kids who actually have a relationship with them get. It's all about whose a 'real' grandchild and who isn't.

That's my stepgrandparents, my stepmom and my stepsisters do not treat my kids any differently, and for that I am grateful. It's hard for my kids to feel like second class citizens as far as my stepgrandparents go.

 

[SleepyMom]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. Hopefully since you have only been married a short time this will change soon, either because they realize your girls are now "family" or because someone says something to make it stop before too many years pass.

We have been married 20 years now and I had 1 DD before and then DH and I had a son and another daughter together. My oldest DD was/is the only step-grandchild on DH's side of the family and she has always been treated differently. Gifts to her were notebooks and pencils while the "real" grandkids got bikes and gameboys. DD was the only grandchild that was hounded if her thank-you note was late arriving, the real grandkids weren't expected to send one even.

The kicker came when we bought MIL a sweater one year with a saying "My Grandchildren are the Apple of my Eye" and they had names added to the apples on the sweater the next Christmas and only bothered to add 1 of our 3childrens names on it, even though the gift was from both our DD's (our son had passed away).

After that I did my best to keep DD away from the situation, MIL was never going to change her attitude so I just backed off and we didn't spend as much time there anymore.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

At the age of 6 I knew and understood who my grandparents were and very much understood that although one of my parents remarried and I had a bunch of new relatives, they were not exactly the same. I just didn't have the same expectations for them as my biological relatives that I already new and always saw gifts from my step family as an extra special bonus or treat. Now 30 years later it is still the same, I was genuinely very happy to get socks for Christmas from them. I am happy that they think of me, I don't compare that to what my step-brother or sister received from them.

It's much stickier if one side of the family is better off financially than the other (or just spends more). It helps if it all evens out in the end, there's no upset feelings.

 

[indimom]

My sister has a blended family and both sides of the family give equally to all the children. Our side would feel embarassed if anyone did less for the "steps" and it appears his side of the family feels the same. Thank goodness. I think that would be very hard on kids to be singled out as "not one of ours." Ouch!!

On a side note, I just have to share, that our new BIL and his ex-wife are amazing people. They get along post-divorce like noone I've ever seen. She treats my sister (the new wife) and her son's step-brothers and sister like family too. For the many years prior to my BIL's remarriage, he and his ex-wife shared Christmas morning with their son. That didn't change this year when he married. Yep, my sis shared Christmas morning with her husband's first wife.

Anywho, normally their son would have opened his father's gifts, his mother's gifts and the Santa gifts all at that time. She was smart enough to reserve her gifts for him to open later at her house, so the gift-giving did not appear to lopsided among the children. BUT, she apparently did not want to come empty-handed either.
So, she brought hand-knitted scarves for all the children to open from her.
That's a very classy lady, IMO.