proper etiquette -bridal shower

[kbmoo]

My sister in law called me and asked me to host a family bridal shower for her daughter 4 months ago. She hosted one for my daughter 3 years ago which she asked if she could host. Her daughter is getting married at the end of July. The grooms family are all flying in at the laste minute. When I asked her doe a date and a guest list she said she would like it the week of the wedding. When I agreed to host her shower I just thought it would be a small intimate group 4-6 weeks before the wedding. Now it sounds like it will be a huge party for the grooms relatives. Am I still obligated to host a party the week of the wedding? I would really like some opinions. Thanks
ps This is the 1st post I've done so I'm not sure if it is right. Thanks again

 

[PaulaSue]

If you are hosting why not have it when you want and how "big" you want? If it were me, I would set a budget and and tell your Sis-in-law that if she wanted it bigger/different she would have to do it herself or help out more.

 

[lulugirl]

Forgive for saying this, but I think your SIL is quite rude.
I would host a small shower a few weeks before the wedding. I think it's unreasonable for anyone to expect you to have a huge party the week of the wedding.

 

[canwegosoon]

In my opinion a bridal shower is not the week of the wedding-sounds like you are being used as a reception/party site... If his family does not live near you , they should host their own where they live and she should go to them.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

yeah--showers are not for the week of the wedding. Sounds like she wants you to plan a part of the wedding festivities---the burden of that is on the bride.

People are not obligated to fly to showers. They can hold their gift until the reception if necessary.

 

[buddy&wooz]

Get out while you have time . Seriously, tell her you'd love to host a small bridal shower for anyone who can make it a month or so before the wedding, but a large shower for all the out of town relatives is just too much. If she insists, I'd suggest that maybe you can provide the place (if you have room) but she should handle the food, etc.

In our family typically every woman invited to the wedding is invited to the shower, but most who live far away don't come, they just send a gift. Planning the shower right before the wedding just so more people can be there sounds unusual.

 

[Beth76]

You should not have to host the groom's family as well. They should have their own shower.

 

[dcgrumpy]

You should not have to host the groom's family as well. They should have their own shower.

Really? I've never known anyone who had separate showers for each side of the family.

 

[dizagain]

I think you should have the shower when YOU wish as long as the bride is available! I would think the bride would rather have it a few weeks ahead of time anyway. My wedding shower included both sides of the family but we all lived in the same town. Go ahead and send invites to the out-of-towners who are CLOSE relatives even though they can't come.

I had a bridesmaid's luncheon the morning of the wedding which was attended by all of the out-of town females.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Really? I've never known anyone who had separate showers for each side of the family.

I thought it was just for the bride and whom she knew (most likely only grooms parents and siblings unless there are strong family ties connecting her to the extended family).

Had no idea it was to be a mini wedding reception.

 

[kbmoo]

Thanks for all your reply's. It's nice to know I am not being unreasonable. Now comes the hard part of asking for a small list for next month.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I hope you at least get to decide all the particulars without any "suggestions". What time of day are you going to have it and what are you going to serve, Kathy? That's one area that can really impact how much the whole thing will cost!

I think it's unreasonable too. But you are in a tough spot. Sometimes it's just easier/better to go along to get along. It's a one time thing. You don't want any family problems from something that is supposed to be a happy event.

Good luck! And keep us posted!

 

[Stacerita]

You do not need to have the shower the week of the wedding. And you do not have to host the out of town groom's family either. If you give the shower its how you want it to be. I am hosting my best friends bridal shower in a few weeks. Its mostly friends, coworkers and a few family memebers. Only ones from the grooms side invited are the mom and sister. The bride's aunt had asked for me not to invite the entire family so that way she could host one for family. Its working out well so both showers can be smaller and easier for each of us to manage. I think its rude for your sis to tell you when you can have it and whom you should invite. Do it how you want to, or jump ship if you can.

 

[Nancyg56]

If you are hosting why not have it when you want and how "big" you want? If it were me, I would set a budget and and tell your Sis-in-law that if she wanted it bigger/different she would have to do it herself or help out more.

ITA. It should be on your terms, or she should do it herself. I just had flashbacks to an almost shower that got hijacked. I just said that what I was willing to do was not what they wanted, and that I respected that. I would bow out and let them have their party. Well, there was no party, but It was not my problem, and this should not be your problem either.

 

[aprilgail2]

Really? I've never known anyone who had separate showers for each side of the family.

Me either! Most showers here are held a few months prior to the wedding and include every female that is invited to the wedding...which I think stinks anyway..how is it that the females have to get stuck goign to these things and the guys get out of it! How sexist!!!
Having it the week of the wedding seems like overload to me anyway...since when did a wedding become a week long thing?? Its a one day affair that has gotten stretched into a week by some...there is the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner...the bridal shower, the bachlorette party, engagement party (which has to be the tackiest of all parties...just a way of saying "more more more gifts"),reception, after reception party and sometimes brunch the next morning...sheshhhhhh

 

[barkley]

interesting-tradition around here calls for the maid/matron of honour to do the shower (and it would never occur to me to ASK someone to host a shower for my daughter-if they offered it would be entirely different).

i've never known of a shower to be held less than a month or so before a wedding, in part because it allows the bride time to (1) remove any received gifts from the wedding registry, and (2) complete and send out thank-you notes in a timely manner (but i guess since most brides no longer send thank-you notes anymore that may not be an issue and many that do are now opting to have them written by their attendants i kid you not-it's becoming common for brides to have an "after wedding thank-you luncheon" for their attendants-not to thank them, but to have them assist in stuffing mass printed thank-you notes in envelopes and address them ).

i dunno-the whole bridal shower thing has realy gotten out of hand. i find it interesting that what began as a means for the brides side of the family (only, did not include friends or groom's relatives) a social situation in order to amass the dowry that was expected to travel with the bride into marriage has now become a huge event that many establish an entire gift registry for.

 

[Mickeyfaniam]

I don't know what proper is these days so I can't help.... but I just wanted to tell you all that a couple of years ago my niece was getting married and first, I was invited to the bridal shower, thrown by family, then I was invited to the Jack & Jill and then I was invited to yet another bridal shower ...... 3 gifts for 1 bride and a wedding gift too
Is this proper or even having just one shower and one Jack & Jill? Is that proper? I thought a Jack & Jill was instead of a shower

 

[aprilgail2]

interesting-tradition around here calls for the maid/matron of honour to do the shower (and it would never occur to me to ASK someone to host a shower for my daughter-if they offered it would be entirely different).

i kid you not-it's becoming common for brides to have an "after wedding thank-you luncheon" for their attendants-not to thank them, but to have them assist in stuffing mass printed thank-you notes in envelopes and address them ).

Here its the maid of honor and bridemaids that throw the shower, they usually split the cost of the restaurnat/catering hall and whatever...
I have to tell you if I was in a bridal party and the bride asked me to write her thank you notes I would have to tell her where to stick those thank you notes!!!

 

[mickeyfan2]

Since you are the host you get to pick the time, guest list and the budget. Do what you think is right and can afford.

 

[OceanAnnie]

i kid you not-it's becoming common for brides to have an "after wedding thank-you luncheon" for their attendants-not to thank them, but to have them assist in stuffing mass printed thank-you notes in envelopes and address them ).

Mickeyfaniam, what is a Jack & Jill? Never heard of that!