Problem With My Daughter, WWYD?

[Skywalker]

I can see why the daughter would be upset, it's almost like the two of you are close and you help her out...unless the son is in town and then she gets shunted aside and her kids become second.

Also, if she works hard she may resent what she sees as her brother's free ride in life with having no bills and no expenses (and free babysitting!)

 

[Allison]

I can see why the daughter would be upset, it's almost like the two of you are close and you help her out...unless the son is in town and then she gets shunted aside and her kids become second.

Also, if she works hard she may resent what she sees as her brother's free ride in life with having no bills and no expenses (and free babysitting!)

Free ride in life? The guy is away WORKING. Just because he isn't paying rent or a mortgage doesn't mean he doesn't have expenses and that he isn't also working hard. It also appears the daughter gets a lot more free babysitting than the son.

The daughter isn't getting shunted aside. There is nothing wrong with the OP setting aside time for a part of the family that they don't get to see as often as other parts of the family.

 

[Sleepy]

I can see why the daughter would be upset, it's almost like the two of you are close and you help her out...unless the son is in town and then she gets shunted aside and her kids become second.

My family dynamics are pretty simiar to the OP. My brother lives in the same town as my parents and they do babysit for him. I am sorry, but if my brother claimed to feel shunted aside and his kid was made second class just because my son and I arrived, I would tell him to grow up!

It is called sharing and I believe most kids with siblings learned that concept at a young age. Mom can't always give undivided attention to one child or even one set of grandchildren. Maybe some people have a problem with that, because it disrupts their perfect convenient world. How sad to be so self absorbed that you can't understand the needs of others.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I can see why the daughter would be upset, it's almost like the two of you are close and you help her out...unless the son is in town and then she gets shunted aside and her kids become second.

Also, if she works hard she may resent what she sees as her brother's free ride in life with having no bills and no expenses (and free babysitting!)

I think this is probably it. While I understand that the grandmother doesn't get to see the other kids often I imagine the dd feels like we always do xyz except when the other kids are in town and then everything gets pushed to the wayside for them. Now I understand why the grandmother wants to do that but I'd probably feel a little hurt too. Why wouldn't all the cousins want to see each other too?

 

[Sleepy]

Why wouldn't all the cousins want to see each other too?

That needs to be done when both siblings are there to care for their own children. Grandma is only one person.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

That needs to be done when both siblings are there to care for their own children. Grandma is only one person.

That's true and I am making an assumption here but it doesn't seem like there has been any plan for that. Of course I don't know for sure but it seems that way.

 

[TwinsinCA]

My family dynamics are pretty simiar to the OP. My brother lives in the same town as my parents and they do babysit for him. I am sorry, but if my brother claimed to feel shunted aside and his kid was made second class just because my son and I arrived, I would tell him to grow up!

It is called sharing and I believe most kids with siblings learned that concept at a young age. Mom can't always give undivided attention to one child or even one set of grandchildren. Maybe some people have a problem with that, because it disrupts their perfect convenient world. How sad to be so self absorbed that you can't understand the needs of others.

I think you are missing the point that the daughter asked first. She's not asking her mom to change existing firm plans to accommodate her. In no way is she being self absorbed and has every right to be hurt.

 

[Sleepy]

I think you are missing the point that the daughter asked first. She's not asking her mom to change existing firm plans to accommodate her. In no way is she being self absorbed and has every right to be hurt.

I feel the whole "first" thing is being childish. We are not talking about 2 sets of grandchildren who live within a mile of grandma and it is a competition to see who asks first for babysitting services. One set rarely sees grandma. If they just happen to come into town, then I think grandma has the right to tell the daughter "I'm sorry". A person who is not self absorbed would understand this. It is ok to be hurt, because it does cause some inconvenience, but get over it and find another sitter.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I feel the whole "first" thing is being childish. We are not talking about 2 sets of grandchildren who live within a mile of grandma and it is a competition to see who asks first for babysitting services. One set rarely sees grandma. If they just happen to come into town, then I think grandma has the right to tell the daughter "I'm sorry". A person who is not self absorbed would understand this. It is ok to be hurt, because it does cause some inconvenience, but get over it and find another sitter.

What's funny is--the daughter may have gotten over it.

It's only us folks on the DIS who carry on ad nauseum about it.

 

[luvsJack]

The son is home 3 days out of 30, the daughter is home 30 days out of 30. A mother wants to be there for her son for those measley few 3 days and you guys have a problem with that????

Some of you act like the man is going out partying for the 3 days he is home. He is doing something with his kids, for cripes sakes!!

And, btw, hunting can last anywhere from a couple of hours to all day. And most people go out before daylight when the younger child will be sound asleep. My kids used to get back from hunting before I even got going in the mornings! Maybe the man has every intention the spend time with the younger child after he takes the older two hunting.

The daughter IS being selfish. She does NOT have right to get mad at her mom for not babysitting REGARDLESS of the reason. Her mother is not required to be her baby sitter.

I am so glad that my kids do not think they have to feel shunned just because I choose to do something with one. My oldest son lives out of town. When he comes to visit guess what? I spend more time with him than I do my 11 year old! If either she or her other brother said anything they would get some kind of tongue lashing from me. I do plenty with them and for them during all the time that he is not here. And it sounds to me like the OP is there for her daughter, she just wants to be there for her son too (and only gets the 3 days to do so). Nothing in the world wrong with that. She offered to sit the other two days, her dd needs to just get over it.

 

[luvsJack]

I feel the whole "first" thing is being childish. We are not talking about 2 sets of grandchildren who live within a mile of grandma and it is a competition to see who asks first for babysitting services. One set rarely sees grandma. If they just happen to come into town, then I think grandma has the right to tell the daughter "I'm sorry". A person who is not self absorbed would understand this. It is ok to be hurt, because it does cause some inconvenience, but get over it and find another sitter.

ITA!!

 

[TwinsinCA]

I feel the whole "first" thing is being childish. We are not talking about 2 sets of grandchildren who live within a mile of grandma and it is a competition to see who asks first for babysitting services. One set rarely sees grandma. If they just happen to come into town, then I think grandma has the right to tell the daughter "I'm sorry". A person who is not self absorbed would understand this. It is ok to be hurt, because it does cause some inconvenience, but get over it and find another sitter.

If you asked your mom out to dinner and she said no because your brother *might* ask her later -- you're telling me the fact that you asked first would not bother you in the least?


And I don't think the "first" thing is childish at all. It is about what is fair. If you get in line first at the grocery store, people who show up later should not just cut in line. You snooze, you lose.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

You babysit as a favor not as an obligation. I think your daughter is missing something here.
I have two kids and another on the way. I try not to use and abuse our parents too much because it is not their job to look after my kids. We do not ask very often and if they are busy we see if we can work something else out. I would never be mad at them. I respect them and appreciate all the help that they do give us.

 

[HM]

In my opinion...the daughter may be taking advantage of mother. Does she do anything to help mom out to reciprocate for the babysitting that she seems to have come to expect from her? Surely she has some fall back sitters? Kids will be out of school that day...find a high school kid to do it...they always need money.

I think mom should have just said no, I have other things planned for that day and left it at that. Bringing up the possible reasons she might not be able to do it was not smart, esp if there is any sibling rivalry at all in the past.

Next time your DD needs you to babysit and you have plans or possible plans, just tell her you can't. She doesn't need a reason you can't do it.

 

[Sleepy]

If you asked your mom out to dinner and she said no because your brother *might* ask her later -- you're telling me the fact that you asked first would not bother you in the least?


And I don't think the "first" thing is childish at all. It is about what is fair. If you get in line first at the grocery store, people who show up later should not just cut in line. You snooze, you lose.

Not at all. If my brother was the one who lived in Italy and I lived close to mom, I would not feel upset that mom changed her plans with me to do something with my brother if he came in at the last moment for a surprise visit. See, that is the thing with my brother and I. we are both mature. There was a time when my brother was far away and i was close and now I am the one far away. We learned as children that plans change and you get over it. Why should I deny my brother the opportunity to have quality time alone with mom when I would have it whenever I want? My brother certainly doesn't have a problem with sharing moms time either. He understands that when I am in town, most activities will be things I want to do as I did for him when he was the out of towner.

Fair? Let's see......The day before my dad had his quad bypass was the day he found out he needed one. He was rushed to the University hospital that evening via ambulance and had surgery the next morning. Know what? I heard another family in the waiting area talking about how their father's surgery was bumped to later that day because another man took his place. That man was my dad. Yes, my dad took someone else's OR. Was it fair that the other person had to wait? No, but my dad would have died and the other person was able to wait. So, sometimes things happen in life that doesn't seem fair or maybe my dad should have been told "You snooze, you lose".

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Fair? Let's see......The day before my dad had his quad bypass was the day he found out he needed one. He was rushed to the University hospital that evening via ambulance and had surgery the next morning. Know what? I heard another family in the waiting area talking about how their father's surgery was bumped to later that day because another man took his place. That man was my dad. Yes, my dad took someone else's OR. Was it fair that the other person had to wait? No, but my dad would have died and the other person was able to wait. So, sometimes things happen in life that doesn't seem fair or maybe my dad should have been told "You snooze, you lose".

I don't see how that correlates to babysitting or a grocery line?

Triage and life or death surgeries in no way correlates.

 

[bookgirl]

Maybe it's because my family doesn't hunt but are you telling me that this is the only way this family will eat? So if they don't catch anything than this family will starve? How about he goes to the grocery store and buys them food. I think this is crazy that you're trying to justify this little hunting trip as if it's the only way these people will eat. And maybe if her daughter doesn't go to work, she could lose her job and then not be able to feed her own family.

It's not a matter of starving it's a matter of economics. Hunting over the long run is not a lot of money. Once you have the guns, and yearly license is a reasonable cost. The amount of meat you get from a deer is huge. That's saving money that would have otherwise have gone to buy meat in a supermarket at about 4 times the cost. Why wouldn't you go hunting once a year to save your kids mother that amount of money. (belive me that meat is appreciated). My brother hunts for sport. Because he does so away from home most of the time he does not use the meat. He only hunts where there are programs that take the meat and distribute them to needy familys and shelters. They line up to have thier names on that list. The meat is so much healthier and in this case free, that families really apreciate it.

 

[Sleepy]

I don't see how that correlates to babysitting or a grocery line?

Triage and life or death surgeries in no way correlates.

Being first to request something does not always mean you will BE first. Why does a grocery line have anything to do with babysitting? It was comparison of fairness I guess.

 

[Allison]

If you asked your mom out to dinner and she said no because your brother *might* ask her later -- you're telling me the fact that you asked first would not bother you in the least?


And I don't think the "first" thing is childish at all. It is about what is fair. If you get in line first at the grocery store, people who show up later should not just cut in line. You snooze, you lose.

It would not bother me in the least under the circumstances presented here In fact, I would encourage it.

The "first" thing would make me think the siblings here are children not adults.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

Wow... way to pick apart the OP's life!

OP, I was never fortunate enough to live near my folks when my kids needed sitting. As a result, I had to secure babysitting outside the family 100% of the time. As a parent, the ultimate responsibility for my kids is mine alone. Not my mom's. Mine. On those few occasions when we visited my folks over the holidays, my mom would cancel anything and everything she had planned to be able to visit with us or watch one of my kids while I took the other someplace (i.e., watching an 18 month old while I took a 6 1/2 year old to Disneyland) even if she didn't know our exact itinerary in advance.

I think it's nice that you are assisting your grown son while he transitions from one job to another. It must be such a relief for him to have one less thing to worry about as he makes his way. It's too bad your daughter doesn't understand her role and responsibilities when it comes to her own children. While it's ok for her to ask you to provide back up care, she is out of line for operating under the assumption you'll do it regardless. She could use a small lesson in putting on her big girl pants and securing alternate care that day while thanking you from the bottom of her heart for committing to the other two days.