Problem With My Daughter, WWYD?

[Eeyore'sthebest]

OP, you seem like a wonderful grandmother. You really do not need to explain yourself. I think some people are letting their own sibling rivalries get in the way of logic.

This is a winner.

OP - You sound like a wonderful grandmother!

 

[kilee]

OP, you seem like a wonderful grandmother. You really do not need to explain yourself. I think some people are letting their own sibling rivalries get in the way of logic.

Unfortunately, it's because of situations like this that sibling rivalries happen.

 

[holycow]

YOU"RE Awesome!


Your kids are LUCKY to have you as their Gmom/Mom!

 

[LoraJ]

Unfortunately, it's because of situations like this that sibling rivalries happen.

So maybe the son should be the one with the issues since she babysits more for DD.

And we don't know if it is sibling rivalry or if the DD just feels entitled to the free babysitting whenever she wants it. Everyone is making a lot of assumptions here.

 

[hinodis]

Very well put OP.

 

[luvsJack]

Ok, I stopped reading about page 5 because I just cannot believe how judgmental some of you are being (well, actually I can but we won't go there)

Can some of you not read the fact that her son is not disappearing for weeks at a time---he is working. The man drives a truck. The #1 requirement of that job is to be on the road and to be on the road a lot. He gets 3 days a month to be with his family and you all act like he is mooching off his mom and expecting her to be waiting to baby sit.

How many people are always griping about how young men don't spend time with their children, don't even try to be fathers and here you all downing the guy for spending time with his kids.

The OP's daughter ought to be grown enough to realize that her brother is not home very often, he doesn't get every weekend to spend with his kids or with their parents. She should be able to realize that her mother would like to spend some time with a grandchild she doesn't get to see very often.

OP, you do sound like a wonderful grandmother and mother and you have nothing to be sorry for. Your daughter will get over it and will probably realize that she was wrong; she's just frustrated right now.

 

[RadioNate]

Classy response OP

 

[Allison]

Unfortunately, it's because of situations like this that sibling rivalries happen.

If that is the case, I think those sibllings (speaking generically) have a lot of growing up to do.

 

[Bluestars]

OP, I don't think it matters what plans you have, you told her no. You have every right to spend the day doing whatever you want to do. They are her children and she should not expect you to always be there at her beck and call.

I wouldn't feel guilty at all if I were you. She will figure something out when she realizes you will not back down. She sounds a bit spoiled to me.

Please don't feel guilty about wanting to spend the day doing what YOU want to do. There is nothing wrong with that.

Oh, and the fact that you always watch her children and never his, does ring a bell with me. My mother has never babysat any of my children. She is practically raising two of my brother's kids though. One time when I was visiting my mother and went out, I had to hire a babysitter. So, if I were you I would not feel guilty about keeping your options open so you will be available to watch your son's kids.

 

[TwinsinCA]

So maybe the son should be the one with the issues since she babysits more for DD.

If the son lived with his children full time, then you might have a valid comparison. But since he only sees them a few days a month, he shouldn't need a babysitter at all.

Apples and oranges.

 

[luvsJack]

If the son lived with his children full time, then you might have a valid comparison. But since he only sees them a few days a month, he shouldn't need a babysitter at all.

Apples and oranges.

What is so horribly wrong with the man spending time with his older kids doing something that the 4 year old cannot do? Sounds like he spent more time with the 4 year old last time he was home.

The older two are at an age that they need their father. Deer hunting is a great father/kid bonding activity. And grandma gets to spend time with her darling grandchild that she doesn't see very often, to boot. Exactly what is so wrong with that?

 

[TwinsinCA]

What is so horribly wrong with the man spending time with his older kids doing something that the 4 year old cannot do? Sounds like he spent more time with the 4 year old last time he was home.

The older two are at an age that they need their father. Deer hunting is a great father/kid bonding activity. And grandma gets to spend time with her darling grandchild that she doesn't see very often, to boot. Exactly what is so wrong with that?

Because he sees the kids three days a month. If I had three days a month with my children, I would not be off "bonding" with two of them at the expense of the other.

Besides, the older kids can understand why their dad isn't around more often. A four-year-old *can't* and I feel just terrible for this little boy that he finally gets to see his dad only to have him leave and go off with his older siblings. If anything I think it is more crucial to spend time with his youngest son.

 

[luvsJack]

Because he sees the kids three days a month. If I had three days a month with my children, I would not be off "bonding" with two of them at the expense of the other.

Besides, the older kids can understand why their dad isn't around more often. A four-year-old *can't* and I feel just terrible for this little boy that he finally gets to see his dad only to have him leave and go off with his older siblings. If anything I think it is more crucial to spend time with his youngest son.

So he should never spend time with just the older kids? And no, its not more crucial that he spend time with the youngest. All kids need their parents, at every age, but the older two are teens and at an age that it is important for them to stay close to their dad. Its not like the little one is being left to fend for himself.

And for heaven's sakes, it sounds like the man is doing his very best at spreading his time between children with a very large age span (that in of itself is quite a trick; I know from experience) Besides, they could be going deer hunting in the early am and planning something with the little one later, for all we know.

That doesn't change the fact that the OP's daughter was being selfish.

 

[TwinsinCA]

So he should never spend time with just the older kids? And no, its not more crucial that he spend time with the youngest. All kids need their parents, at every age, but the older two are teens and at an age that it is important for them to stay close to their dad. Its not like the little one is being left to fend for himself.

And for heaven's sakes, it sounds like the man is doing his very best at spreading his time between children with a very large age span (that in of itself is quite a trick; I know from experience) Besides, they could be going deer hunting in the early am and planning something with the little one later, for all we know.

That doesn't change the fact that the OP's daughter was being selfish.

It is your opinion that the daughter is being selfish. I do not share that opinion at all.

I'm sure it is difficult to have children at such spread out ages, but that is what this man chose to have. Now the onus is on him to make that work.

Yes, all kids need their dads. But I maintain that the older ones will understand why they see him so infrequently and the little one won't and that in and of itself tips the scales here. When you have such little time with your kids I don't think you should be going off with just some of them to bond. If he took all three kids out for one on one time, that would be one thing. But here he is leaving ONE child behind. I know he isn't being left to fend for himself but that isn't really the point.

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

OP, you seem like a wonderful grandmother. You really do not need to explain yourself. I think some people are letting their own sibling rivalries get in the way of logic.

My thoughts exactly.

MIGrandma,
I hope you have a wonderful time with your family this Thanksgiving and hope your son and both kids get a deer!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I thought OP was very eloquent in her explanation, but this:

Some said my son WANTS to go deer hunting, it is not a NEED. Well, those of you that are not familiar with deer hunting don't know anything about it. The deer anyone in my family gets, gets eaten at the dinner table all winter long. If my son, or either of his two older children, get a deer when he is home for his visit Thanksgiving weekend it will be given to the older two children's family, my DS's ex-wife. His ex-wife has 5 children to feed, so any deer that is gotten will be welcomed. So, no, it is not a WANT to go hunting...except for in the way of WANTING to put food on the table.

Maybe it's because my family doesn't hunt but are you telling me that this is the only way this family will eat? So if they don't catch anything than this family will starve? How about he goes to the grocery store and buys them food. I think this is crazy that you're trying to justify this little hunting trip as if it's the only way these people will eat. And maybe if her daughter doesn't go to work, she could lose her job and then not be able to feed her own family.

And what's wrong with taking the kids to a park, bowling, movies... something all 3 can do? Or why do they have to anything, other than spend time at OP's house watching movies, playing games or actually spending quality time together, talking and catching up?

 

[lillygator]

quite frankly I think the son needs a talking to...he has three days off a month to see his kids and he is passing off one to go hunt? sounds like a real hands on dad. and OP, I see that you posted you sit ALL the time and then came back and clarified, you mst feel it is all the time.....and you said you initiate it a bit....but she does have a full time sitter so it sounds - aside from appts - you and the other mom switch off on Sundays if your daughter has to work.....

 

[Nancyg56]

Because he sees the kids three days a month. If I had three days a month with my children, I would not be off "bonding" with two of them at the expense of the other.

Besides, the older kids can understand why their dad isn't around more often. A four-year-old *can't* and I feel just terrible for this little boy that he finally gets to see his dad only to have him leave and go off with his older siblings. If anything I think it is more crucial to spend time with his youngest son.

As a Nana I can assure you that if I had one little one with me while the older kids were with their Dad...............that little one would not feel left out of anything. The bonding that is going on here is not just woth teh Dad and his children, circumstances have made it very difficult for the OP to spend time alone with her grandchildren.

Maybe it's because my family doesn't hunt but are you telling me that this is the only way this family will eat? So if they don't catch anything than this family will starve? How about he goes to the grocery store and buys them food. I think this is crazy that you're trying to justify this little hunting trip as if it's the only way these people will eat. And maybe if her daughter doesn't go to work, she could lose her job and then not be able to feed her own family.

I think the problem here is that some feel if the activity is not important to their family others should not value that activity. In the OP's family hunting is part of their life. That is their fact.

I think that the fact that the son is a long distance trucker is lost on most people here whose living is not earned this way. My DH drives but thankfully he is employed locally. In our area he's one of the luck ones, the over the road guys are really struggling and the competition is cut throat. Both of the OP's children need to work, one job is not more important than the other. The son is away a lot but he is supporting his family, Mom steps in and helps in one way. The DD is home more often and Mom offers to help in a different way. She is doing her best, is not obligated to do anything at all for either one of these adults.

We don't know what the family dynamics are but I do remember when I was a young mother. My MIL seemed to favor her DD's children and had them a lot. She would watch my own but one at a time. Never all three at the same time. My husband got sick and she still did not step in to help with the children and I really would have appreciated that assistance. Turns out that her DD would have made her life a misery if she did not do the "same" for her son as she did for her. In fact she needed to watch Carol's children whenever Carol needed a babysitter or she would be snippy...kind of reminds me of this DD.

At the time I did not want to work the hours I did in order to support us and still have time to care for my husband, I needed to do it. My Sis IL worked but her mother sat when she wanted to do the things that she did not get done when she was working. Looking back I can see the pressure MIL was under and I understand why she chose not to take a stand with her DD but I made up my mind after watching how her children would compete to keep everything "even" never to do that with my kids.

My children all look back with fond memories the one on one time with their Meme and Gramps so I know that her decision to care for them individually was right for them. What was right for us though, was raising my children to be happy for each other when we gave them something special. They all know that once they entered adulthood DH and I got to choose when we stepped it to offer help. They do not get to get mad, they will all get help when they really need it and they will all get help at time when they want it. Jealously and temper tantrums never got rewarded in our home.

 

[wdwfan16]

I thought OP was very eloquent in her explanation, but this:

Some said my son WANTS to go deer hunting, it is not a NEED. Well, those of you that are not familiar with deer hunting don't know anything about it. The deer anyone in my family gets, gets eaten at the dinner table all winter long. If my son, or either of his two older children, get a deer when he is home for his visit Thanksgiving weekend it will be given to the older two children's family, my DS's ex-wife. His ex-wife has 5 children to feed, so any deer that is gotten will be welcomed. So, no, it is not a WANT to go hunting...except for in the way of WANTING to put food on the table.

Maybe it's because my family doesn't hunt but are you telling me that this is the only way this family will eat? So if they don't catch anything than this family will starve? How about he goes to the grocery store and buys them food. I think this is crazy that you're trying to justify this little hunting trip as if it's the only way these people will eat. And maybe if her daughter doesn't go to work, she could lose her job and then not be able to feed her own family.

And what's wrong with taking the kids to a park, bowling, movies... something all 3 can do? Or why do they have to anything, other than spend time at OP's house watching movies, playing games or actually spending quality time together, talking and catching up?

All the men in my family, from my grandfather and his brothers down to my husband are hunters. Guess what they do when they get a deer, they keep some and give most of it away to others who like it and do not hunt. Never in the past 100 years have we needed the deer so bad that we would starve to death.

If his older kids family is so poor they will stave then the OP's son needs to give them more in child support. He now keeps an extra $1K from not renting the house. He is on his third month and that would be $3K extra. That could feed the older kids family for a year.


Many of you keep forgetting that the younger kid is by a different mother. He is not with his sister and brother except when his dad is in town. So he is being abandoned by all three. He also has a very limited relationship with the person he is being left with. Talk about separation anxiet for that poor child.

The son chose to be an over the road trucker. It is a very tough job that is very much needed and he knew he would be away from his kids.

So his kids need food and never see their dad yet we are making the son out to be a marter.

 

[MiniGirl]

Wow!!! I see nothing wrong with Dad doing something with his older 2 and not the younger. I don't think older kids should always have to sacrafice and do things like go to the parks or go see kiddie movies just so the whole family can do everything together. It isn't fair to them. Also, with a young child around it is sometimes hard to sit and talk to older children or even other adults because our attention is, in part, on the younger child. I think it is a great opportunity for him to spend time with his older kids. I don't understand why we seem to think that older kids don't need that one on one time as much as younger ones do. In many ways, I think our older kids need us more.

OP, your son sounds like he is trying his very best to be a loving and responsible father, and it doesn't sound like his is trying to mooch off you either. As another poster put it though..... your time is your time. You get to choose how you will spend it.