Please help am I really a horrible parent

[scrapquitler]

DS is so furious at me @ DH. He habitually forgets homework and texts at school. He has 4 exams on Mon &Tues and we reminded him 20 times last night to bring home all of his make up work and study materiel. I set him reminder alarms at 1000 & 1200 and called him at 1200 ( early release) to make sure he had everything. We told him last night that he would be grounded from TV and video games if he did not bring everything home.

Well he gets off the bus today and we are so happy that heI made a great grade in science and that he said he remembered all of his stuff- oh, except for my computer apps book because I think I have a study guide at home. Well I had put the study guide in his book, so he didn't have and he should have brought the book home anyway. Now he's grounded and really acting out angrily about it. We have to do something though he forgets work all the time and his grades suffer for it..

How old is he???

I would take him back to get the study guide. You put it somewhere that he didn't realize you put it.

 

[mjkacmom]

The only part of this that sticks out for me is: why are YOU doing all this reminding? You are only enabling his lack of planning/organizational skills.

How will he survive college if mommy and daddy have to remind him to do his homework?

I would've agreed with this a few years ago. Dd15 had the hardest time with these issues, but I left it up to her around 6th grade, and she got much better at remembering. I tried the same with ds13, and it was an epic fail - wasn't even eligible for some honors classes in 7th grade (only got A's when I reminded him). Our school will only give extra books to kids with IEP's or 504's, but you can buy them used and cheap online.

Ds13 is now pretty good at remembering - the fact that we started medicating him for ADD probably helps, though!

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I've had this problem in a smaller scale. I toke DD's French Horn books out of the trunk and didn't tell her. We went to her lesson one day and she went into the trunk to get them and didn't have them. It was my fault for moving them.

Although, technically, she should bring them in the house and PRACTICE...

 

[Uptown Girl]

Not sure if this is a serious thread or not....

If it is.....perhaps if you start letting your son be responsible for his own behavior and grades and quit coddling him with 20 reminders, along with texts and a call, he would do what needs to be done. Co-dependent behavior is not the answer. Since he's used to you constantly reminding him, he hasn't had to think for himself.

As far as the study guide, if you're the one that moved it, running him back to school to pick it up would be in order.

I agree-stop reminding him all the time. It's better that he learn this in middle school then high school. Let him take the consequences AT SCHOOL for forgetting homework, etc. It is not a reflection on your parenting skills if he forgets his homework, it's a reflection on how well he remembers what he needs to for school.

If this was a once a year type thing I would say go back to school but not for a child that you reminded 20 times and set 2 alarms to remind him to do this.

 

[krcit]

Not sure if this is a serious thread or not....

If it is.....perhaps if you start letting your son be responsible for his own behavior and grades and quit coddling him with 20 reminders, along with texts and a call, he would do what needs to be done. Co-dependent behavior is not the answer. Since he's used to you constantly reminding him, he hasn't had to think for himself.

As far as the study guide, if you're the one that moved it, running him back to school to pick it up would be in order.

I agree. He needs to learn responsibility.

 

[luvmy3]

Add me to the he shouldn't be grounded camp. You reminded him to bring home everything he needed, and he did. He didn't need his book because he had a left his study guide at home. He shouldn't be punished because you put that study guide in his book that he brought to school.

Do you have textbooks online?

 

[ccgirl]

Not for everyone, no, but most solvent schools will have enough extras available to give them out on the recommendation of a counselor. DS has diagnosed issues with what is known as "executive functioning" (organization, scheduling, things like that: he needs reminder signage just to brush his teeth every morning.) We get the extra books for no charge for that reason (private school), but most of the time you can buy a used set if all else fails.

Kids who have executive function issues often tend to get depressed and school-averse because they start to feel like they can't get a handle on the simplest things, so why bother even trying? Something like an extra set of books can make a huge difference in their attitude and ability to do well. Even if you have to buy them (used) yourself, I think it's worth it.

DS also scans all of his homework as soon as he completes it, and stores it on Google Docs and on a thumb drive that is kept on his key chain, in case he loses the hardcopy somewhere along the way. That way if he can't find the hardcopy he can hand over the thumb drive and let the teacher download the electronic version. He also has been known to email things to the teacher the night before it is due, if he's feeling really frazzled.

Gotcha. Makes perfect sense. I love the idea about the thumb drive too.

OP - I agree with the others. Barring any disabilities, he should be responsible for his own reminders at this age. I know we "think" we are helping our kids by doing all that. However, we are really doing them a disservice as they never learn to do for themselves.

 

[ccgirl]

[QUOTE="Got Disney";43481929]I disagree...it was his responsibility to make sure he had what he needed.....not her....he could have texted her asking where it was....she also reminded him a lot and he should have not just "Thought" it was in his book...he should have looked and if not get one.....

I have reminded my boys over and over...if ya cant find it ask the teacher for another one...and don't wait till the last 5 minutes that it is do to check.....

yup jello for brains....I would say her fault if she did not remind him so many times and he looked but could not get another or he could not contact her to ask.....he just assumed and didn't check.

It also depends on how old he is.....and we dont have that info yet[/QUOTE]

But, it wasn't in his book. It was at home where he left it (or was supposed to be) so no need to ask the teacher. The OP took the study guide her DS left at home and put it in his book because she "thought" she was helping him. Really, it ended up hurting him as he left his book at school since he had his study guide at home.

What did we do before these cell phones??? No need to be texting your child while he is at school. So thankful my DD's school does not allow cell phones.

 

[lizabu]

Not sure if this is a serious thread or not....

If it is.....perhaps if you start letting your son be responsible for his own behavior and grades and quit coddling him with 20 reminders, along with texts and a call, he would do what needs to be done. Co-dependent behavior is not the answer. Since he's used to you constantly reminding him, he hasn't had to think for himself.

As far as the study guide, if you're the one that moved it, running him back to school to pick it up would be in order.

Is he older than 5? Because if he is you're doing too much.

 

[mrsklamc]

People seem to be missing the fact that even though he THOUGHT the study guide was at home He was supposed to bring home the book anyway.

 

[Mama Who]

No, I think punishing him because you messed with his stuff is unreasonable. He made a deliberate choice based on where his study guide was. It was wrong to move his things without telling him.

Perhaps you need to be less involved in him and his school stuff? It sounds like you're maybe micromanaging him.

 

[mdsoccermom]

People seem to be missing the fact that even though he THOUGHT the study guide was at home He was supposed to bring home the book anyway.

See, I get the impression that it's the OP's opinion that he should have brought the book home, not that it really was necessary to have it at home (especially since there was supposed to be a study guide there anyway).

 

[mrsklamc]

See, I get the impression that it's the OP's opinion that he should have brought the book home, not that it really was necessary to have it at home (especially since there was supposed to be a study guide there anyway).

It gets to be OP's opinion. She is the parent. She and her DH get to make the rules about what he is and is not grounded for. Now, if she wasn't clear that he was to bring the book home regardless of the study guide, then it is wrong to ground him. But if he KNEW mom & dad said the book was to come home, it doesn't matter whether he thought he needed it.

 

[lovin'fl]

OP- I totally feel for you (and all the others on here who say they have similar issues). It is tough parenting this kind of child and nobody will get it unless they have one...I have one too. Mine is currently in the 9th grade and we are now at the point where we are letting him take ownership/responsibility and he is failing horribly. I know it must be done and quite frankly, I can't continue to 'hand-hold' anymore...I am too exhausted. It is plenty enough to manage my own self as well as all the other things we wives and mothers need to do...micro-managing another person on top of that is just so dreadfully hard.

In middle school, I was that mom who was always reminding him, organizing for him (made him a HW folder with a 'to do' pocket and a 'to turn in' pocket and I would put his completed work in the turn in pocket for him), finding out what his HW was (when teachers posted it on the HW website and if they didn't I would e-mail them) and telling him exactly what he needed to do (then it still didn't get turned in frequently and classwork didn't get turned in even more frequently). It was suggested to me by my inlaws, who are/were teachers, that I go to school with him and shadow him every day . And my DS was medicated for ADHD all through middle school.

If I didn't do those things, he would have failed most of his classes (maybe all but PE and Art). The principal told me, when he was in 7th grade, to let him fail and I just couldn't do it. I now wish I had let him fail then, because high school grades are a bigger deal than middle school grades. I am now watching his college future fade away. But I think if he has to go to summer school or even re-do 9th grade, he will get why it's so important to do what he needs to do to pass.

We have found some other things that are helping us. We took him off of medication because he has trouble sleeping and every ADHD med we tried exaserbated it. He would hardly get any sleep at night and then go put his head on his desk at school and fight the entire day to stay awake (I had insomnia in HS and completely understand how horrible it is). He also has some caffeine in the morning...I hate that, but it's keeping him up and alert at school.

We found his currency...which has been very tough with him as nothing seemed to matter enough. One thing is that he does not want to stay in 9th grade next year while his friends all go on to 10th and another thing is that he REALLY wants to get a job as soon as he can...he wants to save money for a car (we told him that we would not allow him to work if his grades were bad because he should be spending that time to study and pull up grades).

He's also been going to therapy. And we've tweeked some other things as well. We've stopped being reactive...that's pretty important and very hard to do with a mouthy teenager.

Sorry you are going through this...it's stressful. Also, I am sorry that you are going to get flamed by some in this thread....that doesn't help anyone.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Is he older than 5? Because if he is you're doing too much.

And even 5yo's should be learning responsibility. I'm a preschool teacher and when one of the children says, "I don't have my show and tell" or "I don't have my bucket" or "I don't have my winter coat" because my mom forgot it I remind them that it is their responsibility to help remember. Of course preschoolers shouldn't be expected to remember everything on their own, but I'm trying to instill some responsibility in them.....at least get them to say, "WE forgot the show and tell" They are not too young to teach (with a parent helping and reminding) looking at the calendar to see if it's a show and tell day, having their bucket and coat by the front door, etc.

My son is almost 12 and in 6th grade. He gets himself up for school, eats, and makes his lunch and then gets himself out the door to school. He learned from an early age that I am not a morning person.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

OP- I totally feel for you (and all the others on here who say they have similar issues). It is tough parenting this kind of child and nobody will get it unless they have one...I have one too. Mine is currently in the 9th grade and we are now at the point where we are letting him take ownership/responsibility and he is failing horribly. I know it must be done and quite frankly, I can't continue to 'hand-hold' anymore...I am too exhausted. It is plenty enough to manage my own self as well as all the other things we wives and mothers need to do...micro-managing another person on top of that is just so dreadfully hard.

In middle school, I was that mom who was always reminding him, organizing for him (made him a HW folder with a 'to do' pocket and a 'to turn in' pocket and I would put his completed work in the turn in pocket for him), finding out what his HW was (when teachers posted it on the HW website and if they didn't I would e-mail them) and telling him exactly what he needed to do (then it still didn't get turned in frequently and classwork didn't get turned in even more frequently). It was suggested to me by my inlaws, who are/were teachers, that I go to school with him and shadow him every day . And my DS was medicated for ADHD all through middle school.

If I didn't do those things, he would have failed most of his classes (maybe all but PE and Art). The principal told me, when he was in 7th grade, to let him fail and I just couldn't do it. I now wish I had let him fail then, because high school grades are a bigger deal than middle school grades. I am now watching his college future fade away. But I think if he has to go to summer school or even re-do 9th grade, he will get why it's so important to do what he needs to do to pass.

We have found some other things that are helping us. We took him off of medication because he has trouble sleeping and every ADHD med we tried exaserbated it. He would hardly get any sleep at night and then go put his head on his desk at school and fight the entire day to stay awake (I had insomnia in HS and completely understand how horrible it is). He also has some caffeine in the morning...I hate that, but it's keeping him up and alert at school.

We found his currency...which has been very tough with him as nothing seemed to matter enough. One thing is that he does not want to stay in 9th grade next year while his friends all go on to 10th and another thing is that he REALLY wants to get a job as soon as he can...he wants to save money for a car (we told him that we would not allow him to work if his grades were bad because he should be spending that time to study and pull up grades).

He's also been going to therapy. And we've tweeked some other things as well. We've stopped being reactive...that's pretty important and very hard to do with a mouthy teenager.

Sorry you are going through this...it's stressful. Also, I am sorry that you are going to get flamed by some in this thread....that doesn't help anyone.

Hindsight is wonderful! Try not to beat yourself up for not doing things earlier. As parents, we do the best we can with whatever knowledge we can manage to find.

My oldest son was one of the really disorganized type kids (ADD like his mom.... ). I tried all kinds of organizational strategies with him and nothing worked. I imagined him never getting organized enough to finish anything and not going to college. When he was in high school we'd start every marking period with him taking responsibility for his grades. When interims came, if (well, when ) he wasn't doing well, I would start riding him....asking (asking ONCE) if he did and then turned in homework, study for tests, etc, etc. He hated when I did this, so it was motivation for him to not let things go to hell in a handbasket. By his senior year things started to click and I didn't have to remind him anymore. He's now a senior in college and is doing well. He still has a hard time with organization, but has learned some strategies to get by. He's an RA in the dorm, so has it together enough to not just do it himself, but help others, too.

 

[cornflake]

Seriously, unless the kid is 6 and confused, which apparently he is not, that's just way, way, way too much oversight. Yes, he might fail. Yes, that's his problem. Otherwise, you'll be the woman I once met who moved into a hotel near her son's boarding school because the school would not "listen to" her and send someone to wake him up (she told them they "needed" to send someone three times, in five-minute intervals, like 45 minutes before he was meant to be in class), because he "has such a hard time getting up in the mornings."

So, when the school would not coddle him, and he started missing classes, instead of telling him to buy a louder alarm or get his butt out of bed, she got furious at the school for not accomodating him, as he "needed help" waking up, and moved into the hotel for the sole pupose of being a human alarm clock. Guess how well that worked out?

Let him take responsibility for his own actions.

 

[lovin'fl]

Hindsight is wonderful! Try not to beat yourself up for not doing things earlier. As parents, we do the best we can with whatever knowledge we can manage to find.

My oldest son was one of the really disorganized type kids (ADD like his mom.... ). I tried all kinds of organizational strategies with him and nothing worked. I imagined him never getting organized enough to finish anything and not going to college. When he was in high school we'd start every marking period with him taking responsibility for his grades. When interims came, if (well, when ) he wasn't doing well, I would start riding him....asking (asking ONCE) if he did and then turned in homework, study for tests, etc, etc. He hated when I did this, so it was motivation for him to not let things go to hell in a handbasket. By his senior year things started to click and I didn't have to remind him anymore. He's now a senior in college and is doing well. He still has a hard time with organization, but has learned some strategies to get by. He's an RA in the dorm, so has it together enough to not just do it himself, but help others, too.

Wow...that's great to hear...makes me feel hopeful. Thank you.

 

[FayeW]

Well, since you asked....

Yeah, I think this is horrible parenting. You put the study guide in the bag without telling him. He opens the bag and goes "Huh, look at that...I have two study guides because one is at home where I left it" and leaves the unneeded guide at school.

Man up and apologize to the kid for punishing him for something your interference caused.

Learning to apologize and acknowledge that you've made a mistake is also an important life skill children can learn from their parents. Actions speak louder than words.

 

[mrsklamc]

Man up and apologize to the kid for punishing him for something your interference caused.

Except that's not true. The ultimate cause was the kid was supposed to bring the book home and didn't.