Parents--did your views on spanking change once you had children?

[robinb]

My views on spanking changed when I was a parent. I was 100% non-spanking until my DD was about 3 and then ... all hell broke loose. Literally and figuratively. I spanked but it never seemed to matter. My DD would shrug it off and go ahead and do what she was doing to get into trouble again the next day. Spanking never helped. It never stopped her from doing what I didn't want her to do. It simply did not work. And I am ashamed that I ever laid a hand on her body or ever caused her pain by my own inability to control myself and the situation.

Spanking was a failure on my part and not hers.

 

[Aidensmom]

And then it hit me. The next time he screeched - I screeched right back! Perfect imitation. He stopped and looked at me in shock. I said, "That's what you sound like. Do you like it?"

He did it again. I did it again. He laughed, and then he cried. I said, "It doesn't sound good, does it? If you talk like that, I'm going to talk like that, too."

He tried it a couple more times, and then he gave up. Success! No more screeching!

.

Just as I've noted in every other spanking thread, I've done many of the same things that miraculously worked for other children. I have done that with whining. I don't know how MANY times. My kid still whines. Doesn't work with him, somehow he is not like everyone else's children. You'll be happy to know I don't spank him for it though. It's just one of those minor annoyances I don't choose to turn into a fight, I just keep telling him, for WAY more than the 17th time, not to whine, and I ignore any requests till he speaks them in a normal voice. Maybe he'll learn someday, maybe I am just a bad parent.

 

[darlak]

Nope, no change at all. Didn't believe it in before and still don't. I don't think it's right for an adult to strike a child.

Although I may not necessarily agree with you, it’s easy to respect your opinion on this topic because you stated in a respectful manner that doesn’t imply that you feel you are a better parent because of your point of view.

 

[MrsKreamer]

I'll restate my original thought.

I meant in the sense that the parent is angry & frustrated and wants to take action. By hitting the child, they are relieving themselves of these emotions.
And in doing so, they are not directly correcting the child's behaviour, just punishing it.

I did not mean in the sense that they getting any sadistic satisfaction from hitting their child.

Ok that makes more sense. Sorry I got snarky.


I just think that every parent has a unique child. Not every child is going to respond well to spanking, as another won't to time outs.

I don't consider myself a "spanker", I consider myself a disciplinarian. Depending on the situation and my children's temperament that day dictates the forms of discipline that will work best. Some days DS3 is great listener and is a perfect . Then days like today where he does things that make my hair curl!

 

[christiane]

When I was 6, I knew my abusive parents were abusive. I was just dumb enough to say so, and that caused me more trouble.

I am very, very sorry to hear you had abusive parents. And I'm sorry no one was there to stop you from getting you more trouble. I just cannot get my head around the fact that adults will abuse children. It makes me crazy...

No one makes a person have children. It is not the law. So why have a child that you are not going to love & protect with everything you have got?

 

[darlak]

I've described a few of my approaches. Most of it centered around making sure the kid had no opportunity to repeat the offense. My son once began using a really screechy voice on us (he was about five) - it worked wonders when it came to getting his sister to do whatever he wanted. Unfortunately, that reinforced the behavior. It lasted weeks and I couldn't figure out how to get him to stop. I was losing my mind.

And then it hit me. The next time he screeched - I screeched right back! Perfect imitation. He stopped and looked at me in shock. I said, "That's what you sound like. Do you like it?"

He did it again. I did it again. He laughed, and then he cried. I said, "It doesn't sound good, does it? If you talk like that, I'm going to talk like that, too."

He tried it a couple more times, and then he gave up. Success! No more screeching!

Now that is not an approach I would ever use. I just don't believe that you can correct unacceptable behavior by mimicking it. I would have given him a warning and told him what the consequence would be if he repeated the unacceptable behavior. Than I would have followed through with whatever I told him, if he did it again.

However, I don't believe that my philosophy on the issue makes me a better parent. Just a parent who would have chosen to handle that situation differently. Much the same way I don't believe non-spanking parents are in any manner superior to spanking parents just by virtue of their philosophy on that subject.

Again, let me say, I'm glad it worked for you and as long as it didn't rise to the level of abuse, it really isn't any of my business.

 

[Aidensmom]

I am very, very sorry to hear you had abusive parents. And I'm sorry no one was there to stop you from getting you more trouble. I just cannot get my head around the fact that adults will abuse children. It makes me crazy...

No one makes a person have children. It is not the law. So why have a child that you are not going to love & protect with everything you have got?

I had to erase what I first wrote so I didn't get banned, and I will admit I'm having a VERY hard time not writing something not acceptable for this board, but I challenge you to in any way, shape, or form prove that I do NOT love and protect my child with all that I have got. And yeah, though he is only 6, he knows that more than anything else he knows in the world.

 

[christiane]

I had to erase what I first wrote so I didn't get banned, and I will admit I'm having a VERY hard time not writing something not acceptable for this board, but I challenge you to in any way, shape, or form prove that I do NOT love and protect my child with all that I have got. And yeah, though he is only 6, he knows that more than anything else he knows in the world.

No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I wasn't referring to you as a parent, but to your parents. I do not understand how they could abuse you as a child and not protect you....


Do not write anything that will get yourself banned, I like to read your opinions.

 

[drag n' fly]

I am now a sahm. I was a daycare director, pre-school teacher, before and after school administrator, nanny etc etc etc. I swore I would NEVER spank my kids.....well that was until I had the first one and he ran out in front of a car while running away from me at 15 months. That was the first schwack! Well many years and three kids later I rarely do it anymore but I can honestly say all three of them have got a lickin at some point It kind of reminds me of Milo and Otis. When Milo was born his Mommy said she would never scold her kittens and then she had a batch and then she was hollering at them to stay out of stuff!

 

[Aidensmom]

No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I wasn't referring to you as a parent, but to your parents. I do not understand how they could abuse you as a child and not protect you....


Do not write anything that will get yourself banned, I like to read your opinions.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood.

 

[christiane]

It kind of reminds me of Milo and Otis. When Milo was born his Mommy said she would never scold her kittens and then she had a batch and then she was hollering at them to stay out of stuff!

I don't know the story, but I see the moral. But you can decide not to hit your children and not do it.

One of my college friend's mom was an physically abused child. It ran through the family for generations. My friend's mom decided that it would stop with her and it did. She said it took everything in her not to react the way her own mother and grandmother had reacted when her own children did the unruly and frustrating things that young children do. Physical punishment as a form of discipline was all she knew, so she had to develop her own strategies and she did. Her reward was a wonderful, loving relationship with her own children.

 

[robinb]

Just as I've noted in every other spanking thread, I've done many of the same things that miraculously worked for other children. I have done that with whining. I don't know how MANY times. My kid still whines. Doesn't work with him, somehow he is not like everyone else's children. You'll be happy to know I don't spank him for it though. It's just one of those minor annoyances I don't choose to turn into a fight, I just keep telling him, for WAY more than the 17th time, not to whine, and I ignore any requests till he speaks them in a normal voice. Maybe he'll learn someday, maybe I am just a bad parent.

You are not a "bad parent". You just have a "spirited child". OK ... most of the population would call him a "brat" but not me. My DD was (and still is in some ways at 8-years old) exactly the same! You are not alone at dealing with a child who does not quaver before the "mom look" or a child who ignores all punishment you can think of (including spanking). You will have to find his "currency" (in Dr. Phil speak). You will eventually find what will turn his mind around to listening to you instead of his own head-strong urges. My own DD's is the TV and her friends. When she was younger she really didn't care about anything ... any kind of timeout, spanking or removal of toys/privileges made no difference in her mind. She did what she wanted to so and that was that.

It is really hard to listen to other parents who have more compliant children. It used to make me feel like I was a terrible parent because my DD would defy me at every turn instead of bowing gracefully to my will as every other child (it seemed!) on the DIS. "The look" never worked. Spanking never worked. Time-outs were a JOKE. My little girl would open the door and defy me to my face. That would almost always lead to an anger-filled spanking and neither one of use learned a darn thing from it.

It will get better.

You will find his "currency" ... the thing to take away and hold over his head.

Time-outs will eventually work for you.

{{hugs}} and good luck.

 

[Duckfan-in-Chicago]

I've never believed assaulting anyone was OK. I have two children, aged 10 and 7.

So do you go the involuntary incarceration approach?

 

[Aidensmom]

You are not a "bad parent". You just have a "spirited child". OK ... most of the population would call him a "brat" but not me. My DD was (and still is in some ways at 8-years old) exactly the same! You are not alone at dealing with a child who does not quaver before the "mom look" or a child who ignores all punishment you can think of (including spanking). You will have to find his "currency" (in Dr. Phil speak). You will eventually find what will turn his mind around to listening to you instead of his own head-strong urges. My own DD's is the TV and her friends. When she was younger she really didn't care about anything ... any kind of timeout, spanking or removal of toys/privileges made no difference in her mind. She did what she wanted to so and that was that.

It is really hard to listen to other parents who have more compliant children. It used to make me feel like I was a terrible parent because my DD would defy me at every turn instead of bowing gracefully to my will as every other child (it seemed!) on the DIS. "The look" never worked. Spanking never worked. Time-outs were a JOKE. My little girl would open the door and defy me to my face. That would almost always lead to an anger-filled spanking and neither one of use learned a darn thing from it.

It will get better.

You will find his "currency" ... the thing to take away and hold over his head.

Time-outs will eventually work for you.

{{hugs}} and good luck.

Thank you.

It IS nice to know someone understands that some kids just don't respond to the "normal" stuff. I do think our "spirited" kids have some traits that will really serve them well someday though, they will be confident and won't let anyone discourage them.

I do understand about the currency, Aiden has pretty much developed his (the Disney Channel!). I can say that while he still pulls out the stubborn streak now and then, for the most part he has developed into a pleasant child that needs little discipline. When that streak comes upon him though....

 

[robinb]

It IS nice to know someone understands that some kids just don't respond to the "normal" stuff. I do think our "spirited" kids have some traits that will really serve them well someday though, they will be confident and won't let anyone discourage them.

Oh yeah. I hate to say it, but our kids will be the leaders in the future and not the followers. It makes it all worth it, YKWIM? NO ONE will ever take advantage of my DD. She will not allow it. It's a pain now, but I know that I am raising a self reliant adult.

 

[poohandwendy]

No, my opinion about spanking hasn't changed. I believe that spanking is effective for certain situations. There are many, many discipline techniques I have used and found effective. Spanking is just one.

This debate never fails to be amusing, though.

 

[poohandwendy]

So do you go the involuntary incarceration approach?

 

["Got Disney"]

I have not read a single post because I don't want to get upset....yes I use to think spanking ws okay. Than once i had kids and read the books and watched all the shows on why it does not work...I stopped.

I find that discipline/consequences works better without inflicting pain. I would be very upset if someone slapped me when they did not agree with a thing I did or in that case did not do.

Why is is okay for me to spank my child but if they hit me for something I did they would get in trouble...sounds like a double standard to me.

don't agree but for those of you that do and follow old school they are your children and not mine. I would not like you any less for spanking your children. I have friends that do.

Just like when I get mad at my boys and I tell them to Shut up (only when they totally wont stop bugging and I have asked nicely). As my one son asked when I got mad at him for telling me to shut up..he asked"Why is it okay for you to tell me to shut up but when I say it to you I get punished"?...well using the excuse that I am your parent or an adult does not cut it...it is just wrong period!!!

so do on to others as you want them to onto you

 

[katerkat]

My views didn't change. Both before and after I believed in limited spankings when necessary. For the most part, time outs and natural consequences have been very effective for him - and I always follow through on consistent time outs and the same consequences for wrong behavior, so at this point, most of the time I can just say "do you want a time out?" and he will correct his behavior. He has been spanked twice for very serious infractions.

 

[RitaZ.]

NO ONE will ever take advantage of my DD. She will not allow it. It's a pain now, but I know that I am raising a self reliant adult.

She sounds just like my DD. I agree that those traits will come in handy one day.