Parents--did your views on spanking change once you had children?

[LiteBrite]

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I think this is the impression many anti-spankers have in regards to parents who do spank.. That they do it daily - for any and all infractions - and I really don't feel that is the case.. Or at least not in the parents that I know..

When it comes to spanking, there are some very widespread generalizations - thus the reason why it often becomes a heated discussion..

That's a good point. Even though I did spank my daughter when she was little, I didn't do it very often, and certainly not for every kind of infraction. It was only the most serious things that rated a spanking - usually things that put her or someone else in danger, or else some sign of her seriously disrespecting her father or me.

 

[Camicar]

Actually there is a group who makes a similar argument, regarding the oppression of children's rights. They call themselves NAMBLA. They think it is very backwards and archaic to not allow children the same basic rights as adults, the right to make choices for themselves. They feel our current laws are restrictive to the rights of and underestimate the abilities of children.

I wonder if we will someday say "They were right"

NAMBLA? Do you mean the National Man Boy Love Association? That bunch of pedophiles trying to legalize their perversions?

Really? You think that someday we will have become so sick that we think their abuse of children is right?

 

[poohandwendy]

NAMBLA? Do you mean the National Man Boy Love Association? That bunch of pedophiles trying to legalize their perversions?

Really? You think that someday we will have become so sick that we think their abuse of children is right?

No, I don't.

I was illustrating that no one likes being lumped into a category with the extreme.

 

[darlak]

I just find it interesting that spanking is only what you try when other methods fail - it's never a first resort, and in fact pro-spanking people get offended at the idea that it could be. So, it seems like no one considers spanking the *best* approach to discipline, and everyone would use a different approach if a different approach worked.

Even pro-spankers wish they didn't have to spank. Or at least that's the impression I'm getting!

That isn’t necessarily true at my house. There are certain infractions that my children always knew would result in a spanking. Being sent to the office for misbehavior at school, for instance. My theory was that if they did their best at school, I was happy. Based on that theory, a C was possibly acceptable, if I knew that they had really tried. At that point, we looked into ways to help them in that subject. Also based on that theory, nothing less than an A was acceptable in conduct, because I knew they knew how to behave. I never had to spank for that reason though, because it never happened until last month, and that child, at 13, was in my opinion, too old to be spanked.

ETA: Oh, I forgot, another DD did get into trouble on school property, so technically she did get send to “the office”, but in her case, it was at the Board of Education. It did definitely qualify as “trouble at school” though! Still no spanking in that case, as she was 16, though she would have loved for it to be over that quickly. Her punishment lasted 3 months and the consequence of losing her driving privileges and car lasted a year!

 

[Duckfan-in-Chicago]

Even pro-spankers wish they didn't have to spank. Or at least that's the impression I'm getting!

Are you saying they are unlike the pro-timeouters who wish they had to put their kids in time out more?

 

[Magpie]

Are you saying they are unlike the pro-timeouters who wish they had to put their kids in time out more?

No, just that many of them seem to be trying time outs, natural consequences, and everything else first before they resort to spanking.

FWIW - I think time-outs can be used ineffectively, inappropriately, and even abusively, too. Just like spanking - or any other form of discipline!

For us, "time out" wasn't a punishment. It was the first step in teaching a very useful life skill. Remove yourself, calm down, then deal.

 

[Bob Slydell]

That's where having so many children comes in handy. Hopefully the stronger ones will protect the more passive ones.

Or at least you'll have replacement kids for the ones eaten by sharks.

 

[2girlsmom]

So you punished the child because you did not keep keep the scissors somewhere where children can't get to them and because you did not have outlet covers? The only time mine were ever out was when I was using them.
.

I understand what you are saying, but as my child can and does get into EVERYTHING, you can't put things away and have that be it. We started storing the scissors on top of the fridge, she climbed up on the counter so she could get to them. We hid them so she can't get them, she got into the knife drawer and pulled out a steak knife when she decided to cut (knowing all the time that CUTTING things other than paper with scissors or FOOD with a knife is NOT ALLOWED!!!) this is the kid that at 1-1/2 yrs climbed out of her crib, toddled to the kitchen, climbed up the cupboards and got into the dishwasher detergent tabs cause she thought they looked like candy. Luckily we caught her right as she was taking a bite. She is diagnosed ADHD, which in her case at HOME seems to mean that she has trouble with controlling impulses, even when they don't make any sense. But there HAVE to be consequences when she does things that she KNOWS are not allowed.

 

[darlak]

Or at least you'll have replacement kids for the ones eaten by sharks.

DH and I have actually joked about that being the reason we had so many.

 

[Robinrs]

I didn't read all of the posts and came in very late but no, I didn't change my views on spanking at all. I was 36 when I had my child so I had a bunch of years to think about it, since I became an aunt at 10.

I had 2 spankings in my life. They taught me to NEVER do the things I got spanked for. For me it was a deterrent, the best kind!!

My attitude is not as much about spanking but training children to be the kind of child you don't HAVE to spank. My Mom gave us a look that taught us to straighten up and fly right BEFORE we had to be punished. I trained my son in the same exact look from near birth.

My Mom's line was "raise a child so that ANYONE will want to babysit him".

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

No my views on spanking didn't change when I had kids either. My 1st DS got spanked maybe a dozen times in his life but that was the only thing that seemed to get through to him. My 2nd DS, I don't think has ever been spanked. Not because he didn't do anything that warrented punishment - usually just raising your voice to him made him disolve into tears.

I'm secretly enjoying my SIL and DH cousin who were so full of parenting advice when my kids were little and are now doing a total change of tune since they have their own kids. I'd love to know what happened to: no TV in the bedroom, no video games, my kids will never watch movies hours on end, no yelling in the house...

 

[MrsPete]

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I think this is the impression many anti-spankers have in regards to parents who do spank.. That they do it daily - for any and all infractions - and I really don't feel that is the case.. Or at least not in the parents that I know..

When it comes to spanking, there are some very widespread generalizations - thus the reason why it often becomes a heated discussion..

I agree with you. The reality is that if you're spanking EVERY DAY, then the punishment isn't effective -- if it were, then the behavior wouldn't continue.

 

[MrsPete]

I didn't read all of the posts and came in very late but no, I didn't change my views on spanking at all. I was 36 when I had my child so I had a bunch of years to think about it, since I became an aunt at 10.

I had 2 spankings in my life. They taught me to NEVER do the things I got spanked for. For me it was a deterrent, the best kind!!

My attitude is not as much about spanking but training children to be the kind of child you don't HAVE to spank. My Mom gave us a look that taught us to straighten up and fly right BEFORE we had to be punished. I trained my son in the same exact look from near birth.

My Mom's line was "raise a child so that ANYONE will want to babysit him".

Interesting wording, and it mirrors my thinking well. My daughters are a tween and a teen now, and they are genuinely "the kind of child(ren) you don't HAVE to spank" now -- but it took some time and effort to get them to this point, and the spankings that they had at younger ages were one of the many things that shaped them into well-behaved young ladies.

 

[MrsKreamer]

I agree with you. The reality is that if you're spanking EVERY DAY, then the punishment isn't effective -- if it were, then the behavior wouldn't continue.

So if you use time-outs everyday is that also not working?

 

[2girlsmom]

So if you use time-outs everyday is that also not working?

I would think any discipline method used the same way for the same offense every day isn't working.

 

[MrsKreamer]

I would think any discipline method used the same way for the same offense every day isn't working.

ITA

 

[Magpie]

So if you use time-outs everyday is that also not working?

Yep. That is... if you're using time outs for the same behavior, which is being repeated every day. Obviously they're not working!

 

[RitaZ.]

I'm secretly enjoying my SIL and DH cousin who were so full of parenting advice when my kids were little and are now doing a total change of tune since they have their own kids. I'd love to know what happened to: no TV in the bedroom, no video games, my kids will never watch movies hours on end, no yelling in the house...

Well, surely you know that we do our "best parenting" before we actually have children.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

To the original question, no my views on spanking haven't changed since I've become a parent. I didn't agree with it before I had kids and still don't agree with it now.

I was never hit as a child, so I didn't grow up with it. Personally, I see it as physical abuse, plain and simple. I'm not the type of parent that can raise my hand to my child, that's just not me.

The other day my 1 year old went up to my daughter and hit her. Mind you, he'll be 2 in a a few weeks, so he doesn't know better yet. Now, had I spanked him, what kind of a message would that be sending to him? It's okay for mommy to hit him, but not for him to hit his sister?

Some friends of ours threaten to bring out "Rosie" to their child, which means "red hand"...aka spanking, I guess. They were floored when we told them that we had never hit our children. I was floored that their child behaved like a monster at dinner, yet my children, who had never been spanked, sat and behaved. Go figure.

Everyone's different in their parenting style and to each his own. I chose what I feel is right for my children.