Parents--did your views on spanking change once you had children?

[christiane]

Spanking teaches one thing; If someone won't listen to you, hit em.

Never thought of it that way, but 100% agree!!

 

[MO Disney cruiser]

Spanking teaches one thing; If someone won't listen to you, hit em.

It can also teach there are consequences to their actions. Sometimes words aren't enough. A little swat on the area that God padded well is an effective attention getter.

 

[Aidensmom]

No, my views didn't change.

I was abusively HIT as a child, violently, repeatedly, using various objects, when my parents were angry with me for minor annoyances such as spilling my milk. I knew I would never do that to a child.

However, I think SPANKING is an appropriate discipline if used correctly - sparingly, as a last resort, not done out of anger, and just an open handed smack on the rear end. I don't think spanking is neccessary for every child, different children react to different forms of discipline. For some children, however, sometimes the point of that last resort is reached.

My son has been spanked, not very often, and not recently, but he has been spanked at times we decided it was neccessary.

For the record, when either DH and I are very angry and would even have the urge to spank in anger (like when our son was 4 and decided he didn't want to take a bath so dunked all the towels in the toilet!), we tell the other one (well, sometimes yell to the other one ) to deal with it and we walk away and go to another room or outside.

 

[Kirby]

Spanking teaches one thing; If someone won't listen to you, hit em.

I don't agree. My children do not hit other people and they were spanked at times when they were younger.

I was spanked as a child. I remember my mother getting a chinaberry switch after us. I wasn't spanked often but my sister was.

I see nothing wrong with spanking as long as it's not done in anger. I had the same opinion before I had children. There are all different types of discipline. It all depends on the nature of the child which ones will work.

I think that what is most important is following through. If you threaten to spank, ground, whatever, you need to follow through and stick to your guns when the child is young. That way, when they are teenagers, they will know that when you say "no" you really mean "no" and that consequences are real and not imaginary.

 

[chris1gill]

Nope, didn't change one bit. A parent who needs to spank is not respected by their child, and they have lost control of their child. I have always found as a parent of two that if I give them respect they do the same, and if I have requirements, they meet them.... We never once had to spank them into submission. I don't want my kids afraid of me, I want them to respect me and my judgements, and discuss their own opinions with me, knowing that I will respect them.

 

[christiane]

For the posters who say they do not spank "out of anger"...please explain.

This is how I am envisioning it. Your child does something that makes you angry enough that you will have to hit them as a result. You walk away, count to 10, take a breath and calm down. Then you calmly & coolly, call your child over to hit them?? I don't understand this..

 

[chipmunk226]

I wasn't spanked as a kid and figured I never would either...

I have spanked though, but it's a rare occasion and in extreme cases. The only times I can remember was when my oldest son did something in extreme defiance. It's and immediate consequence b/c at young ages children can't fully grasp the concept how something can hurt or make someone upset by just telling them.

I don't believe spanking teaches children to be violent, i think their environment does. a kid getting an occasional swat on the behind won't likely become a brawler... but a kid that is hit for no reason or that is neglected and abused in other ways probably will.

 

[Monte Cristo]

I didn't have an opinon before having kids...I was spanked a few times as a child (according to parents) I vaguely remember once, very vaguely.

Since having a child, I can't IMAGINE an instance where I would hit her...can't imagine.

Not juding anyone, not saying it's right, not saying it's wrong, I just at this point wouldn't be able to do it.

 

[MO Disney cruiser]

Nope, didn't change one bit. A parent who needs to spank is not respected by their child, and they have lost control of their child. I have always found as a parent of two that if I give them respect they do the same, and if I have requirements, they meet them.... We never once had to spank them into submission. I don't want my kids afraid of me, I want them to respect me and my judgements, and discuss their own opinions with me, knowing that I will respect them.

Disagree completely. My DD is 16 and she respects me and I was the one in control. When she was little a possible consequence to her action was a spanking. It was just one of many possible consequences. A little open handle swat on the tookus does not make them afraid of you, does not make the violent and does not keep them from discussing their opinions. I have spent many a late night sitting around with my dd discussing everything from the presidential election to if she should start birth control.

So, no a little spank does not keep them from respecting their parent.

If you don't wish to spank, so be it. Just don't apply unfounded judgements on those who choose a different method to raising their child.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

When I was in 10th grade or so, the "child abuse lady" came and talked to our class. I think the main focus of that was sexual abuse, but also included other types of abuse- it was to let people know that they could come to her, guidance, etc. So, while she was explaining the differences between child abuse and legal spanking, she told us that spanking is wrong, even though it's legal. (Can you imagine the uproar on the DIS if someone posted their kids were taught that in school now? )It never even dawned on me before then that there were actually people that DIDN'T spank their kids! But everything she said totally made sense to me and I decided then that I would never hit my children. And you wouldn't believe how many people said, "just wait until you have them, you'll see." And no, I NEVER thought about hitting my kids for a second.

DH and I were on the same page about this before we even got married. I think that since there's no real compromise on this issue, there's not room for one parent to change their mind.

 

[chipmunk226]

I didn't have an opinon before having kids...I was spanked a few times as a child (according to parents) I vaguely remember once, very vaguely.

Since having a child, I can't IMAGINE an instance where I would hit her...can't imagine.

Not juding anyone, not saying it's right, not saying it's wrong, I just at this point wouldn't be able to do it.

to me spanking does is not the same as hitting...

plus, i think if a poll was added to see how many of us had boy over girls.... i think that more parents of a 'little' girl would say they would never think of spanking their 'princess'

BTW i have 3 boys... and my oldest is hardheaded... now my babies? they are only 2 and 1 and spanking won't get any message across to them at this age. when i pat them on the butt now, its more like, get a move on or you know better they laugh right now cuz they like the sound it makes on their diaper

 

[C.Ann]

A parent who needs to spank is not respected by their child.

------------------------------------

I strongly disagree with this statement and I'm not quite sure how you have reached this conclusion regarding every child that has ever been spanked..

My father spanked me as a child (when I did something very serious and/or dangerous) and there isn't a man in the world that I respected more than him.. He was a wonderful man - a wonderful father - and a wonderful husband.. I find your broad assumption offensive and completely without merit.. Your opinion?? Yes.. Factual?? Absolutely not!

 

[LiteBrite]

My opinion on spanking did change after I became a parent - about 3 years after, as a matter of fact. Hubby and I started out as non-spankers, but eventually we came to the conclusion that spanking, when done calmly and never, never out of anger, is just a lot more direct and effective than other measures.

Did we spank all the time? No, not very often at all. But when it was called for, it really worked. Our rules for spanking began with wait till you're not angry, and included never doing it in a humiliating way. We would explain what we were spanking for, we'd give her a little swat on the bottom, and then we'd hug her and tell her we loved her and send her on way with an admonition to "go and sin no more". (No, we didn't use those exact words. )

Our daughter is 20 now, and she loves and respects us, just like she did then.

 

[swilphil]

Yes it did. I was anti-spanking, and for the most part still am. When my oldest turned 3, he became the wild child that he still is today and came close to getting hit by a car a couple of times. I have spanked him in dangerous situations since then, but actually other forms of discipline are more effective. He's actually asked to be spanked instead of being put in time out or having things taken away.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Nope, didn't change one bit. A parent who needs to spank is not respected by their child, and they have lost control of their child.

And, what FACTUAL information is this statement based upon?

eta: My opinions surely did change as I matured, and had children. I stopped being a judgmental witch about parenting choices. LOL, I was a monster re. my brother...who, of course, has the most pleasant adult children one could ever imagine. I also realized I could spank three times for certain behaviors or do "time-out" 50 times, with the same outcome.

 

[darlak]

I have 4 and my opinion on spanking really hasn't changed very much. Except for the fact that we spank less than we had anticipated we would. Spanking is very different than abusive hitting and is an effective tool for discipline when used appropriately. In reality, we spanked less than we had formerly thought we would because we believe that the best form of discipline is tied as closely as possible to the offense. The punishment should fit the crime, so to speak. Looking at it from that point of view, there are few instances when spanking is the most appropriate.

It isn’t my place to judge how other parents choose to discipline their children, as long as their actions don‘t reach the level of abuse. I’m confident in my own decisions and don’t need to belittle the choices of other parents in order to booster my own confidence as a parent. I think it speaks volumes about the level of maturity of those parents who do feel the need to do so.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I hadn't really thought about it before I had children, but once I had children and began to research the issue, I became very strongly opposed to it. It just feels very wrong to me. I have four kids (3 boys, 1 girl).

I have a good friend who feels the same way, and one day she was reading a book to one of her sons (he was about five at the time). In the story, the parent threatens to spank the child. Her son hadn't heard the word spank before and asked her what it meant. When she explained, he looked at her with complete horror on his face and said "you mean a mother would hit her own child?"

Well, that's kind of how I feel about it. Once I had children, and realized how much I loved them - I just couldn't imagine that I would deliberately inflict pain on them.

Mine are all grown now and doing well, and we continue to have a close and positive relationship. I suppose it's quite possible that they might have done just as well and we might be just as close even if I had hit them, but I'm still glad that I never did. My son and his wife have the same philosophy with their three kids.

Teresa

 

[christiane]

I suppose it's quite possible that they might have done just as well and we might be just as close even if I had hit them, but I'm still glad that I never did.

I feel the same way. It may be true that hitting a child doesn't leave a long term effect on them, but I know it would leave a long term effect on me.

 

[2girlsmom]

Yes it did. I was anti-spanking, and for the most part still am. When my oldest turned 3, he became the wild child that he still is today and came close to getting hit by a car a couple of times. I have spanked him in dangerous situations since then, but actually other forms of discipline are more effective. He's actually asked to be spanked instead of being put in time out or having things taken away.

I love this!
In regards to the OP question, no it didn't change. I was spanked, never saw that it was wrong (not all the time of course). I spank very rarely, but I thought this was funny cause my 9 yr old we have learned that the best discipline is to make her choose her discipline. For example: we catch her eating in her room, playing with scissors in her room,etc (both are NOT allowed and she KNOWS it). We will offer 1)spanking, 2)ground from TV for a week/month (whatever, length depends on offense), 3) sit in corner for X minutes, etc. Then SHE chooses. The choice usually takes her about an hour, and involves asking who is spanking, how many swats, etc (daddy spanks harder than me with his hand), etc. She AGONIZES over the decision...

 

[Wishing on a star]

No, my views did not change...

I am basicly a NON-spanker.
However, I do see that this issue is not simply black-and-white!!!
I do think that there are occasions when it takes a physical approach to get thru to a toddler. Let's face it, it is never good to try to reason or argue with a toddler. Verbal methods do NOT always work. DS did get a very few swats on the legs. And, yes, that seemed to take care of the situation. To me, this could sometmes seem to be the most quick and effective way to get control of an out-of control toddler. If after a swat or two they are crying and tantruming, then a big STRONG hug usually does the trick. It worked wonders with DH. Then I learned to be pro-active, and go straight for the basic physical control followed by the hug, before a spanking ever became necessary!

I do NOT believe that spanking is a 'teaching' method. Nobody could ever, ever, ever convince me that a spanking is an effective teacher. Is it a method of discipline and control... yes... but don't try to justify it as 'teaching', or the type of true discipline that is 'teaching'. It just isn't.

And, for the record, I think that physically accosting any child by the time they reach school age is indeed physical abuse. Parenting a toddler can, by nature, be very physical... After that, I do feel that spanking can be considered physically and emotionally abusive.