Parenting teenagers is hard and sometimes crazy

[mom2rtk]

Not a story, just my go to advice for parenting teens. Don't escalate. If they are in one of "those moods", find a way to disengage and come back to it later. You are likely to find a more reasonable child that can have a reasonable conversation. Learn to ride the advantage of the changing moods rather than fight it.

 

[C&Jx2]

You don't have to be a "My way or the highway" authoritarian parent to have respectful, successful teenagers. In my experience it has been just as effective to treat them and respect them as the intelligent, loved, maturing people they are. The proof is in the pudding with my teens. They have never been rude or disrespectful to those such as teachers, other family members, coaches...etc. We have the occasional spat at home, but that's to be expected as they learn boundaries.

 

[Lumpy1106]

If there is one thing I learned with all the COVID craziness is the importance for kids being able to be kids. I really thought I'd be that parent who held strict curfews and laid down the law when other parents wouldn't - but when the you-know-what hit the fan it was the exact opposite - we SUPPORTED them. Secret proms the next county over when LA county forbid them? Sure! Stay out until 2 (with friends whose parents we knew well)? GO, have fun! Too much of their childhood was taken away with all the shutdowns and we needed to do whatever it took to give some of that back. In turn, they gained a new respect for us and did not betray the trust we put in them to do the right thing. Granted, OPs situation is different for their 13 YO than it was for my 18 YO just months away from going to college, but still, we adjusted because that's what we had to do.

I guess advice to OP; take a step back and figure out what is really going on. Does DD need a break from the piano lessons? Maybe try something else for a while, or, maybe even harder to do, try just doing nothing for a while. Sure, maybe that means that is the end of DDs piano career, but sorry, that's going to happen anyway if you push her to keep doing it when she really doesn't want to. Give her the time and space to make that decision.

Take it from someone who has now been through it twice, she's going to hate you for a while no matter what you do. Don't make it worse, just be there when she gets over it (and she will).

 

[Moliphino]

It's a bit hard to tell no? Because the reaction to it was the OP starting in on taking things away and an apology letter. Wouldn't make me want to open up and discuss things even if my answer was "you know IDK I just woke up in a bad mood".

FWIW when I started my period at 13 I felt terrible and didn't want to discuss anything with my mom because I was 1) already embarrassed that I started later than my friends and 2) I sat through a dinner uncomfortable with pain radiating from my ribs to my belly in a feeling I never knew could happen but didn't know why because it was a few hours after we got home that I actually started. I don't care if that wasn't why there was a "don't feel comfortable crossing legs" it's more like what way was it handled that encouraged more open communication versus shutting down. It wouldn't be the last time I thought of that interaction the next time I had something going on. And given that the daughter called the OP on her choice to take away things and make her write an apology letter it apparently meant enough to her to keep quiet about why she felt the way she did rather than fess up to avoid such consequences. That more than anything stood out to me in why I didn't feel this was just a silly thing to gossip about on the DIS.

When I was 11 I had a three month long period that I didn't tell anyone about. I had mentioned it after about 2 weeks and my mom freaked out a little, so I never said anything again after that. I wound up in the hospital for severe anemia and still didn't tell my parents or doctors that I had been bleeding for three months. So they thought I must have leukemia or some sort of blood disease and I went through months of other tests.

Kids' brains aren't fully developed and their thought processes aren't always very logical.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

When I was 11 I had a three month long period that I didn't tell anyone about. I had mentioned it after about 2 weeks and my mom freaked out a little, so I never said anything again after that. I wound up in the hospital for severe anemia and still didn't tell my parents or doctors that I had been bleeding for three months. So they thought I must have leukemia or some sort of blood disease and I went through months of other tests.

Kids' brains aren't fully developed and their thought processes aren't always very logical.

I liked your post because I totally get that feeling about talking to parents but I'm really sorry you dealt with that, that sounds horrible to have gone through that

 

[tzolkin]

So often parents (I mean just look at this thread) are so quick to find every and any excuse under the sun to make their child the victim when more often then not the child is just being difficult for a number of reasons, but they should still be held accountable and be respectful.

I think you are making assumptions that are not what others actually think/do. Coming up with possible reasons for a child to act like this during piano class is not the same thing as "making excuses" and "being the victim". And, I didn't see anyone on this thread say that she should not be held accountable for her actions. People have disagreed with the punishment, but I think everyone has said that there should be some sort of consequence. For example, if it was a period issue, I would have discussed with her that sometimes unexpected embarrassing things happen in life but that her behavior was not the proper reaction. I would have her apologize to the teacher and pay for the class.

My husband and I are absolutely not "I'm the boss" type parents, but accountability is one of the most important things we try to instill in our kids. You do not need to be tough or strict or insensitive to what's going on with the child to do that. Understanding the reason for what they did does not mean that there are no consequences for their actions. That's a natural part of life. If you do something wrong, even unintentionally or with a good reason, you still have to live with the natural consequences of your choice/action.

Mom can still get tougher, and it seems like OP is the type that will. The daughter will eventually learn who is boss. And it's not her.

Sure, mom can get tougher, but daughter can still get WAY more defiant than refusing to sit with proper posture in a piano lesson.

I had extremely strict parents. I had absolutely no relationship with them and became increasingly more sneaky and defiant throughout my adolescence (because I had to lie daily to do even the basic things other kids were allowed to do). An example of their "toughness" was forbidding me to see a boy that I was dating. So, my response was to skip school (at least a few class periods every single day for months) and eventually get pregnant. I have grown to have a relationship with them in my adult years, but I certainly never learned that they were "the boss"

 

[sk!mom]

Not a story, just my go to advice for parenting teens. Don't escalate. If they are in one of "those moods", find a way to disengage and come back to it later. You are likely to find a more reasonable child that can have a reasonable conversation. Learn to ride the advantage of the changing moods rather than fight it.

Yes! Mom kept upping the ante with larger punishments and the DD dug in her heels. It would have likely been better to end the lesson and maybe make her pay for the failed lesson. Then maybe try to find out why it was such a big deal.

 

[mjkacmom]

OP mentioned she had her dd write an apology letter.

I noticed that immediately since it would’ve been first on my list.

I’m still baffled why the instructor didn’t handle it on his own. But there must be some reason and no need to dive into that rabbit hole I guess.

My thought was that maybe this isn’t the first incident?

 

[Pink Partridge]

I had extremely strict parents. I had absolutely no relationship with them and became increasingly more sneaky and defiant throughout my adolescence (because I had to lie daily to do even the basic things other kids were allowed to do). An example of their "toughness" was forbidding me to see a boy that I was dating. So, my response was to skip school (at least a few class periods every single day for months) and eventually get pregnant. I have grown to have a relationship with them in my adult years, but I certainly never learned that they were "the boss"

I think a good "boss" sets expectations, is kind, teaches and inspires. They guide and help others make good decisions. A good boss is supportive. Now add the love and devotion parents should have towards their children and you have a great recipe for success.

When I hear kids tell their parents to "shut up" or demand they not enter a room they are in, it's something I can't even fathom. I cringe when I hear that behavior like that is "just part of being a teenager". It doesn't have to be. Start expectations at a very young age, and you will raise respectful, well-adjusted, and happy children. Even very young children appreciate boundaries and rules.

 

[dreamer17555]

When I hear kids tell their parents to "shut up" or demand they not enter a room they are in, it's something I can't even fathom. I cringe when I hear that behavior like that is "just part of being a teenager". It doesn't have to be. Start expectations at a very young age, and you will raise respectful, well-adjusted, and happy children. Even very young children appreciate boundaries and rules.

There was another thread on here not too long ago about if you ever said to your parents that you hated them. I shared on that thread that even if I felt that strongly I never said it because I knew that my home was not a safe place with supportive people. I was not free to have any sort of emotions that weren’t perfectly in line with what my parents wanted.

It’s not common at my own home but yes over the teen years once or twice my kids have said that they’ve hated me and I’m glad that they feel that they can say that or that they can say once or twice to shut up. It’s not a regular occurrence and is very rare but when they’re absolutely at their breaking point and frustrated I want them to feel that they can say how they feel and that they know I will love them through it.

If your child has absolutely never lashed out at you- the chances are that they don’t feel that it is a safe place where they can be their authentic selves with you.

I’m not the boss of my children. I’m not their friend either. I’m their teacher.

 

[Southernmiss]

You don't have to be a "My way or the highway" authoritarian parent to have respectful, successful teenagers. In my experience it has been just as effective to treat them and respect them as the intelligent, loved, maturing people they are. The proof is in the pudding with my teens. They have never been rude or disrespectful to those such as teachers, other family members, coaches...etc. We have the occasional spat at home, but that's to be expected as they learn boundaries.

All of this. We raised 4 to young adults.

I felt the op came down ridiculously hard on the 11 year old.

Whose idea was piano lessons? Is it not an activity that the daughter enjoys anymore?

In life, we get the response we invite.

Yes, there are moody teens (and moody adults). The piano teacher for instance.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

A thing that confounded me as a kid is being raised under the extreme vocalization that you respect your elders.

On the other hand my confusion then started when "respect is earned not given" that was also an extreme vocalization.

What the message was is kids don't get respect they have to earn it, adults get respect they don't have to earn it.

As an adult I've been more aware that while I do try to give a base level of respect to everyone kid or adult alike I am more discriminate on the depth of that respect. I'll still hold doors open for anyone, age or gender makes no difference, but I won't sit quietly while very disparaging remarks are made. People confuse all-encompassing respect for a true genuine emotion that is not forced but comes from natural progression of actions, words and more.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Yes, there are moody teens (and moody adults). The piano teacher for instance.

The piano teacher was moody?

"He asked her to uncross them because she would not be able to use the pedals properly or have proper posture to play and move up or down octaves. He tried asking her nicely and explained why she couldn’t sit that way while playing. She refused, he then asked if I could talk to her. "

What is moody about this? In fact, he handled it quite well. She was refusing to be taught properly. You need both feet for pedals. He didn't even escalate. He asked nicely. He then asked her mother to talk to her.

I feel so sorry for teachers, coaches, scout leaders, etc. Imagine being called moody for attempting to do your job correctly?

 

[sam_gordon]

What is moody about this? In fact, he handled it quite well. She was refusing to be taught properly. You need both feet for pedals. He didn't even escalate. He asked nicely. He then asked her mother to talk to her.

Isn't going to the mother "escalating"?

Give her a piece to work on that requires the pedals, or one that is hard to do without proper posture.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Isn't going to the mother "escalating"?

Absolutely not.

Most parents would like to know if their child is disrespecting a teacher. I would 100% want to know if my child was not complying with a lesson.

 

[sam_gordon]

Absolutely not.

Most parents would like to know if their child is disrespecting a teacher. I would 100% want to know if my child was not complying with a lesson.

Sure. Tell me AFTER the lesson is over. Bringing the parent in during the lesson? "Escalating" in my book all day. Especially with a 13 year old. If the student won't comply, end the frickin' lesson, and still get paid.

 

[Southernmiss]

Maybe the piano teacher gives the daughter creepy man vibes and she can't vocalize that.

Op said she is an introvert preferring books to her electronics.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Maybe the piano teacher gives the daughter creepy man vibes and she can't vocalize that.

Op said she is an introvert preferring books to her electronics.

Well, if that is the case, this is a completely different thread.

 

[dreamer17555]

Maybe the piano teacher gives the daughter creepy man vibes and she can't vocalize that.

This was one of my first thoughts. And perhaps the piano teacher isn’t even doing anything wrong it’s just a vibe she’s picking up on. But the fact that she’s willing to give up so much, including trick or treating with friends (which she only has so many years left to do) and still wanted her legs crossed sends alarm bells ringing.

And why would she confide that to her mom after being punished so harshly? Or she might not even know how to put it into words…

Honestly at worst if the daughter was just being flat out disrespectful- the biggest punishment should be an apology to the teacher and having to possibly earn some allowance by extra chores to pay back the missed lesson.

But considering there could be other factors of play here is important… it’s not making excuses but looking at the big picture.

 

[tzolkin]

I think a good "boss" sets expectations, is kind, teaches and inspires. They guide and help others make good decisions. A good boss is supportive. Now add the love and devotion parents should have towards their children and you have a great recipe for success.

When I hear kids tell their parents to "shut up" or demand they not enter a room they are in, it's something I can't even fathom. I cringe when I hear that behavior like that is "just part of being a teenager". It doesn't have to be. Start expectations at a very young age, and you will raise respectful, well-adjusted, and happy children. Even very young children appreciate boundaries and rules.

I completely agree that's what makes a good leader, but this is definitely not what came across in your (and some others') previous posts. Comments like "don't back down", "call her bluff", "get tougher", "show her who is boss" evoke a completely different parenting style than being a "kind, supportive teacher guiding your children to make good decisions". Perhaps that is what you meant, but it is not the way I read/interpreted the earlier posts.

I also cringe when I hear people dismiss inappropriate behavior as "that's just what teenagers do". We have set very clear expectations from the time ours were toddlers, but it has always been based on respect-- both ways. My kids have been shocked and horrified by the ways some teens treat their parents, but they are equally disturbed by the way those parents talk to their kids. The teens I have known who are extremely disrespectful to their parents in the ways you describe have learned that behavior from their parents. Demanding respect and forcing compliance "because I said so", in my opinion, leads to teens who also demand and force getting their own way. I have family members who scream at their teens constantly, insult them, and make ridiculous threats but then will complain about how rude and "disrespectful" their kids are. Why would they possibly expect their child to respect someone who is rude, nasty, and irrational?