Parenting Question About Nighttime Fears

[Christine]

My DS is 9 years old. About a year ago, he started getting *funny* about going to bed at night. Up until this time, he has just been great. He never was a problem as a baby, never slept in bed with DH and I--sleep was just never an issue.

Now, he worries. He doesn't like to go to bed if it is quiet in the house so he panics if we go to bed at the same time and there is no noise coming from downstairs. He wants to have all the hallway and bathroom lights on (plus his own nightlight) and his closet doors can never be shut. At first I thought it was a passing phase, but it has been going on a LONG time. Now he requires our two dogs to be in his room and he want to have the bigger dog on his bed. I don't really mind this (and the dogs love it) but it's just getting to be an ordeal everynight if the dogs are quite ready for bed. He runs around for 30 minutes trying to get them in the room and he then is just nervous. He finally falls asleep and then no big deal. Often if all the lights are out in the middle of the night he will get up and put them back on.

DH is not handling this well and he thinks that he can "yell" him into submission or obeyance. Of course this does not work

For what it's worth, my DS does have ADHD and sees a psych doc for this. We have brought up these fears which the doctor calls "sticky thoughts." We've even tried to treat it with a medication, which does NOTHING for it.

I believe that this is a variant of a normal childhood behavior; howver, I don't know how to handle it.

My friend had this happen to her DD around the same age after seeing a movid called "Powder." It got so bad she had to take her to a child psychologist who told her that if a child is very smart yet is lacking in maturity, these kinds of problems happen. The child cannot logically reconcile all the thoughts in their head because they lack the maturity to do so. As the maturity comes more in line with the intellect, these fears disappear. This would certainly apply to my son (VERY immature), but I just wanted to know if anyone else has been through this and did anything help?

 

[Spinning]

not sure what to tell you. My DD wasn't as sever with the night fears but around 6 she needed a night light or the bath room light on. One thing we did that seemed to help. Not sure if it would work with a nine year old. We put a dream catcher in her room and then I had a bottle of special magic....(spray bottle with water) I would squirt the room.
For my son I would go into the room and scare up all the monsters and shove them in our room go figure but it worked for him...and also made him think twice about wondering in our room at night!
Can you talk to him and find out what scares or why he is so upset? Good luck I am sure the whole house is getting tired if you have lots of lights on an not use to sleeping that way.
Also has anything in his routine changed? Or maybe he needs a change move the furniture around so he can see nothing is behind anything...

 

[peg2001]

He sounds honestly scared. I certainly wouldn't try to yell at him or punish him for it. Will he talk about what he is scared of? Is it intruders, visions from scary movies, worry about daily life, terrorism and the war?

If this were my child, I would let him have whatever comfort he felt he needed (lights, dogs, music) but I would also try to limit his environment (no scary movies, no TV news, no newspapers).

If you are religious, try praying with him every night before bedtime, asking God to keep him and his family safe.

Peggy

 

[debster812]

Oh, poor kid.

We went through this a couple of years ago with DS (who is almost 7 now). He was not having a good time going to bed each night, and it came out of the blue for us. Turns out he was PETRIFIED of the thought of the Easter Bunny coming into the house. (Tooth Fairy, no problem. Santa, bring it on.) We think he saw a particularly scary Bunny's helper at a local Mall and that set him off.

DH took care of it, in what I think was a stroke of pure brilliance. Told him that the Bunny did not actually have to come into the house, that he would drive by in the Bunnymobile wave his magic Bunnywand and that's how the eggs got hidden, and the baskets got filled in our house.

It worked like a charm!!!!!

I agree--if you can find out what the root of the problem is, you can devise a solution. It's just getting them to be able to vocalize what's bugging them is the hard part.

Good Luck!

 

[Christine]

Well, he has never been very good at telling me exactly what the problem is, even though I keep asking. He just says he is scared.

When the psychiatrist asked him he said "Monstors...." and that was it.

Knowing how he is, we do not allow him to watch ANY scary movies, play any scary video games, nothing....

One time my DH and I were watching "The Ring" while he was supposedly asleep. He sat on the stairs and listened to it for awhile. When I found him I made him go back to bed. He was terrified for 2 weeks after that and said he couldn't stop thinking about it (this is what happened to my friend's DD with the movie Powder). My friend's DD is now 17 and she goes to bed fine so I know that "this too shall pass" I just figured that 9 was a bit old for this. As I can see by your responses, 5-7 seems to be the more appropriate age. And he did have only "nightlight" issues at that age.

Of course, I do anything that will make him comfortable with the exception of letting him sleep with me. I think that will be a big mistake. I guess the real problem is that DH thinks my son is faking this or being a "baby" and I thnk he is making DS feel much worse about it.

I can't think of anything that precipitated this. It has been going on for quite some time. Just last week, we also finished redecorating his room which I had hope would help. It used to be a darker color and I had a few stuffed parrots hanging from the ceiling (that naturally "scared" him). He now has a cream colored room. I rearranged the furniture so nothing is against the walls, but it really did not help.

Well, I guess I need to do a little more research on this type of problem.

 

[RitaZ.]

How about those "soothing sounds machines" (don't know the name)? It may relax or distract him enough to stop worrying and eventually to fall asleep. It's worth a try.

Good luck!

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

It seems like whenever we get used to one phase a new one pops up to confuse us. My older dd (who is 9) went through something similar not too long ago. Suddenly she was asking me if the front door was locked and if the stove/oven was turned off. If I was going to be cooking she would tell me to be careful to not start a fire. She used to need her light on dimmly in her room at bedtime (with the hall light on too) but now we can shut the light off and keep the hall light on.

When she as younger (and with my 2nd child too) we went through a monster spray phase. It was just a water bottle decorated and used to keep the monsters at bay.

I hope you can get this worked out.

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by RitaZ.
How about those "soothing sounds machines" (don't know the name)? It may relax or distract him enough to stop worrying and eventually to fall asleep. It's worth a try.

Good luck!

Rita, thanks for the suggestion but, you know "been there, done that." That was one of the first things we tried. We've also tried a radio with music, various clocks that were dim, bright, small, large. He's got a fan and an air cleaner and the "white noise" doesn't seem to work.

Bottom line is that he just doesn't like being alone. He is perfectly happy when sleeping with someone. Like if we go on vacation and all are in one room--well, that's absolute heaven for him. He would be perfect for sharing a room with another sibling. Problem is, his only sibling is an almost-13 year old girl who wants no parts of sharing a room with him. But he would LOVE that.

 

[RitaZ.]

Well, I guess that won't help then!

We sort of have this problem with our 8 yr. old, he and older DS share a bedroom. Our 8 yr. old won't go to sleep until older DS is in the bedroom with him. He is afraid of being "alone".

It sounds like you've tried a lot of different things. If he doesn't already have a flashlight, get him one. It sounds like the dogs sleeping with him does help.

Good luck!

 

[Christine]

Thanks! I guess my little guy is just a little "nutty." It's tough dealing with this after having a very independent first-born child. I know that what is going through is not abnormal, but it sure is persistent!

 

[Stepharoonie!]

Not sure what to say to you, but here is a all of the same for you and your son

 

[shortbun]

HI! Sorry your guy is having a tough time. My DS is almost
9 and sometimes is scared at bedtime too, more often than not
as a matter of fact. We leave lights on and let him have a radio,
DH reads for 1/2 each night to get to a calmer stage. He leaves
his reading light on until he falls asleep and one of us turns it
off. If he gets up at night to go to the bathroom, a parent has
to wake up and walk him back to bed. I know this will go away
sometime and I just don't care when. I consider this age still
very young. They have to give up so much of their childhood so
fast, I sometimes wonder it that's what scares them. No news,
newspaper, scary stuff in our house either although DS can play
rated T video games with no repercussions.
Ask you DH to chill and realize that at age 16, DS won't be having
these problems and it's better if he solves them himself than be
bullied into it. If they go away on their own, he will feel more confident. If he has to cower in his room BOTH afraid of his dad and his natural fears, it adds to his dilemna. ADHD has a very
heddy set of special circumstances, not always the same with each child.

 

[cabmom]

Hi, I feel for you. Our 5 yr old is going thru a similar thing. He starts off in his bed and ends up in ours. He tells me there are monsters in his closet!!! I believe it's a faze. I asked if he wanted to trade rooms with his brother as it has no closets, but he said he rather share a room with big brother. He does share a room now with little brother. However, he feels more secure with big brother or in our bed.
When we were at MGM last year he would not even go near Mike and Sully for a picture with them. I keep trying to tell him that they are not in his closet!!!
Good luck, but for me I let him sleep with us, cause I know it will pass.

 

[SRUAlmn]

I have no children, so I don't know how much help I will be, but I do have a degree in education and have taken quite a few education and psychology classes. My first piece of advice is to use additional medication as a LAST RESORT. Often times I think physicians are way too quick to prescribe medication, even in cases of ADHD. My second thought was this... does your son have a TV in his room? If so, maybe you could put in family home videos , or a video of your last Disney vacation My other thought was to maybe record your familys' voices on a tape, telling stories, singing songs that he could sing with, but something soothing. That way he could feel like everyone was there with him, without everyone having to actually be there. I also wanted to commend you on not letting him sleep in your bed with you. Even Dr. Phil says that would be opening up future issues Especially if he is 9. Good Luck! Let us know how things go!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well my dd is going to be 13 and still has the "fear" issues. Had them forever, BTW. However they have come more into focus as she has gotten older. She has Christmas lights in her room as her nightlight. She reads or plays her handheld games to calm herself before sleeping. If we had dogs she probably would do that too.


I just let her "deal" with it in her own way as long as she goes to sleep at a normal time.