Parenting/Budget Advice needed

[VictoriaT]

I am at my wits end with this , so I thought I would throw this out to all of you, and see what worked for you.

Warning- sorry for the long post ahead here! Oldest child, DD graduated college May 2020. She worked very hard and earned two degrees, one in marine biology and one in conservation biology. Needless to say, the job market in normal times for these is not great, and with the pandemic, there was nothing. Finally, after months of sending out resumes in her chosen fields with no response, she got a job as a mortgage underwriter. She has done very well, and is earning much more than she would be in her dream career path. She has been living with us since the stay at home order started for our state. Since she got this job, I have been hounding her to set up a budget plan, and stick with it. She was blessed to have no college debt thanks to grandparents and mom and dad, so she has never had to struggle, so she has been able to basically spend what she wanted without having to be an "adult". Yes, I know she is spoiled, but she is a very hard worker and good kid overall. She has been avoiding the budget talk for a few months now, and gets angry whenever I bring it up. I have suggested why not try and send out resumes again in her dream fields, since jobs are more available now, but she has been bitten by the money bug. She has now decided to get an apartment, to be on her own, instead of living with mom and dad and saving up her money, on a budget in the event that she eventually would get married or buy a house, or have money for grad school, if she chose to go that route, and would have a nice pot of cash to do so. DH lived at home after graduating, was able to save up and we had a nice down payment when we were getting married and house hunting, so he is angry about her decision. I am just worried that she will blow all her money, something will happen and need us to bail her out, which I do not want to do. Should I just let her do it, and learn the hard way if it comes to that? I am tired of all of us arguing about this. Thanks for any and all advice!

 

[cvjw]

Let her go. She is an adult and wants to live as one. I would never guilt my kids into living at home when they have enough money to live independently. Maybe in a year or so, she will regret all the money she is throwing away on rent and want to buy a home. Then, let her move back in and save.

My 25 year old son got tired of paying $1800 a month for rent on a tiny apartment and bought a house. He had to figure things out for himself. Let your daughter do the same.

Both our kids know that if something unexpected happens, we are here to help. We will always have their backs!

 

[Calee]

Hmmmm, so you want her to grow up and learn to manage her own money, but you want her to keep living with you bill free? Those don't necessarily go hand in hand

Let her go and figure it out. She may do better with budgeting once she has to pay her own bills. Don't bail her out for small things.... I lived with my parents for a few months after graduation, and then moved into my own place. Once I had bills to pay, I was very responsible with my money. We have never been rich, but I think my husband and I both are more responsible than many of our peers because we did live on our own and pay our own bills after college but before marriage.

I know if I really need something my parents would then and still would today help me out. On the other hand, they did not bail me out of every little problem, and as a parent myself now, I am thankful.

 

[dez1978]

Let her learn the hard way. You really can't stop her if thats what she wants to do and trying to fight it will only cause more issues.

 

[VictoriaT]

Hmmmm, so you want her to grow up and learn to manage her own money, but you want her to keep living with you bill free? Those don't necessarily go hand in hand

Let her go and figure it out. She may do better with budgeting once she has to pay her own bills. Don't bail her out for small things.... I lived with my parents for a few months after graduation, and then moved into my own place. Once I had bills to pay, I was very responsible with my money. We have never been rich, but I think my husband and I both are more responsible than many of our peers because we did live on our own and pay our own bills after college but before marriage.

I know if I really need something my parents would then and still would today help me out. On the other hand, they did not bail me out of every little problem, and as a parent myself now, I am thankful.

I want her to set up a budget; my DH and I were going to have her pay rent, but setting aside and giving back to her when the time came. She does pay for her phone and car insurance for her paid in full car.

 

[VictoriaT]

My kids know we will always have their backs; I guess it's just an issue of not wanting them to make the same mistakes we did.

 

[dez1978]

Hmmmm, so you want her to grow up and learn to manage her own money, but you want her to keep living with you bill free? Those don't necessarily go hand in hand

Let her go and figure it out. She may do better with budgeting once she has to pay her own bills. Don't bail her out for small things.... I lived with my parents for a few months after graduation, and then moved into my own place. Once I had bills to pay, I was very responsible with my money. We have never been rich, but I think my husband and I both are more responsible than many of our peers because we did live on our own and pay our own bills after college but before marriage.

I know if I really need something my parents would then and still would today help me out. On the other hand, they did not bail me out of every little problem, and as a parent myself now, I am thankful.

This is a great point. My parents both died before I was 20, so knowing I had to depend on myself I worked a lot harder and valued things a lot more than my 21 yr old friends did. I think being on your own is a great way to learn just how far money goes and appreciate it and learn to manage it, which you don't really do when mom and dad are paying for everything.

 

[easyas123]

Should I just let her do it, and learn the hard way if it comes to that? I am tired of all of us arguing about this. Thanks for any and all advice!

Yes. It would be in her best interests in the long run.

I want her to set up a budget; my DH and I were going to have her pay rent, but setting aside and giving back to her when the time came. She does pay for her phone and car insurance for her paid in full car.

She should have been paying rent within a month or two of getting a full time job, if for no other reason to establish a line between what you guys were willing to accept from her as a self sufficient adult vs. a young adult still in school.

My eldest - who is/was horrible with money - wanted to move back home to save to buy a house, and live in a apartment on our farm while doing so. We said fine, BUT he had to pay $200 per month towards utilities AND agree to save the equivalent of his presumed mortgage payment while living with us. That was the condition...he'll need that $$$ saved when outfitting a new house, getting married & going to settlement. I actually save the utility $$ in a account and will give it back to him after he settles on his house, but he doesn't know that. He needed tough financial love and so we stuck to our guns. It ended up being to his advantage and he's a fair bit better with budgeting now. Doesn't matter how good a 'kid' they are or how well they are doing in life, we raised them to be self sufficient and - I was once very guilty of this - we can't handhold them until they are 25...30...35...40.

Give her a deadline, get her own apartment OR start paying rent by XYZ date. And IF you do that, whatever you do, stick to it.

Good luck!

 

[Meglen]

Kids wont do something just because you say so. she have no idea why its so important and you can tell her till you turn blue. Kick her out and have her swim on her own

 

[Gr8t Fan]

Letting her go out on her own is probably the best way for her to learn. Let her know that you're available anytime to help her devise a budget. Resist the temptation to immediately bail her out of any problems she encounters. Some people rise to the challenge when they have no other choice.

My dad died when I was 23 and my mom died when I was 25. Fortunately, I was self-sufficient LOONNNG before they passed away, but I was definitely more mature than my peers because I HAD to be.

Once she starts paying her own bills, she will probably realize that she cannot blow ALL of her money every month. It may take a few months for her to get there, but she will.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Echoing - let her go and learn. You can always let her move back with conditions if she falls on her face...

 

[onegai]

There is only so much a parent can help a child when it comes to finances. Let her make her own mistakes and learn the value of money. If she's as intelligent and hard working as you say, she should learn fairly quickly the hardships of adulting and paying bills.

 

[Eastern]

ime you have to let them do it because they won't understand the concept of money until they see all of those bills coming in. That sobers them up pretty quickly, probably long before their lease is up.

 

[Eastern]

My kids know we will always have their backs; I guess it's just an issue of not wanting them to make the same mistakes we did.

It's a good concept and we all try it but nothing works as well as them making their own mistakes.

 

[QueenIsabella]

She will see the need for a budget when she's on her own. She's an adult, Mom--time to let her go and hope for the best. She knows she could move back should the need arise. She knows that you love her and support her choices. She probably even knows you're right about a budget. But, you have to let her walk alone. And fall, maybe--and pick herself up and keep going. Resilience is a skill that can't be taught. She's ready for this, because you've prepared her for this.

 

[MomToOne]

I lived at home through college, then got my first apartment with my first job right after school - 3 states away.

My parents never even asked about my budget. They just expected me to handle things, as an adult. I knew that if I got into terrible trouble, they would always be there to help but I also knew that if I was just frivolous with things and got into a tight spot, that would be my problem to solve. (My father gave me a "loan" for my first car - at 6% interest LOL)

I won't say I was perfect with money - I carried some credit card debt at times. Had to call and get my limits increased a couple of times even But I learned. My parents set a good - but quiet - example, so I knew what was right and eventually got myself on track.

But...I also don't think you should be pressuring her to save "for marriage" or "buying a house". That's not in the cards for some people. Let her decide what is important and needs to be saved for - and when. Honestly, I wouldn't trade all the fun I had blowing my money in my 20s for the world. Those memories have gotten me through many a hard day as a more mature adult LOL

 

[winterwhite]

A few thoughts:

I married a guy who did what you are proposing. He lived at home, his parents charged him nothing to live there. They insisted he must buy a home or it was wasting money to move out.

so when he moved out, he insisted it had to be into a purchased home.

which meant we bought a starter home, which is fine, but all our friends who waited to buy the home got to buy bigger, nicer homes while we had one but it wasn’t what we wanted. They only had to buy once. We will incur the costs twice probably three times.

my husband also had no concept for what things cost. He assumed he would have the $250/mo cable package because his parents had it. He didn’t know an electric bill can be $400 if you run the AC to 67 degrees all summer.

I would really prefer to be with someone who had a sense of supporting himself and what it means to actually be responsible for yourself. I find people who lived at home until marriage to generally be a bit spoiled (as you’re finding) and they learn that the things they want come first because someone else will cover the things they need. It’s not a good lesson, IMO.

 

[RamblingMad]

Some people have to learn the hard way.

My sister never learned. She has a HHI of $100k, and they’ve filed for bankruptcy twice. Eventually her poor decision making skills are going to bite her, and I’m not bailing her out. I expect this to happen after our parents pass away.

 

[tvguy]

Hmmmm, so you want her to grow up and learn to manage her own money, but you want her to keep living with you bill free? Those don't necessarily go hand in hand

I disagree. I was raised to believe a parent supports a child from birth until they are out on their own If it means they live with you for a while after college, so be it. Our son was home until he was 25 and moved in with his girlfriend (now wife). Our daughter stayed home until age age 28. A year longer than she wanted, she had the income and savings to buy a house, but not the credit history. She had to buy a car on credit to establish her credit history. That took a year, then she bought a house.
My thinking is, while I hope never to need my children's financial help as I grow older and grayer, I may need their time and help. That is what family's do IMHO.

 

[4luv2cdisney]

I would be thrilled if my 22 yo (graduated May 2020) had a high paying job and was happy with it! lol Mine works the low paying "dream job" but cannot afford to live on her own. Thankfully, she is an excellent saver and has a better budgeting system than I do. She is also a workaholic with absolutely NO free time / personal life. I cannot see how she could even manage to grocery shop or cook for herself. She barely has time to stop at a drive thru or make a protein shake. I genuinely fear she would starve or at minimum be malnourished on her own. So, again, if your daughter has money AND time to spend it - that is so exciting!!!!

If she wants to go, you have to let her go. However, I wouldn't help her at all with security deposits, buying things for the apartment, etc., but I would make sure she's aware of all the costs associated with moving out. She may figure out she needs to save before she can go.

It sounds like it has gotten a little confrontational. Personally, I would get excited about apartment hunting and furniture buying and all the expensive stuff she doesn't realize she's got to look forward to (lol). Turn it around. Get on her side, but don't foot the bill.