Parenting/Budget Advice needed

[dez1978]

Hmmm...Well, I was in a similar boat as a teen / young adult and I would rather see them have the security that I did not.

While DH and I could provide the basics as a young couple in an apartment, things like savings and home buying and raising children were not always so easy. We started with zero and had no safety net (family to fall back on or nest egg of our own). The losses and struggles I encountered so young contributed to my lifetime of chronic stress and anxiety that I still battle today despite now having a relatively comfortable lifestyle and being on the path to possibly an even better lifestyle in retirement. While I'm somewhat proud of what we built, I simply don't see it as very easy to replicate today under similar circumstances.

We definitely encounter those that choose to pass judgment on our daughter for being 22 and not yet fully launched. Whatever. Her mental health, happiness and future stability mean more than proving herself to some snooty boomers! lol

I've posted it on another thread but maybe not here, our D pays her own personal expenses and has the choice of paying us rent or paying herself rent. She chooses to pay herself. And she's not living in the basement playing video games all day as is the stereotype it seems. If she suddenly gets lazy, the rules change.

Also, want to point out that I see a lot of replies of "we did this or that ourselves" are a "we" statement. I was married young as were a lot of people I knew at the time. In our circle, only a small number of people went away to college vs just getting a job or getting a job and going to community college, etc. and despite the different choices, most of us ended up doing fine. I had both of my children in my 20's. Today, the average age to marry is rapidly approaching 30, starting a family is more common in your 30's, and a bachelors degree is becoming (I'd say has become) the new HS diploma.

So, I stand at it's not an apples to apples comparison. Add in the pandemic for the kids graduating last year / this year and I think it's completely understandable for them to be at home until their mid-20's (or beyond if it's working for them and their family).

Oh I def want my kids to have that stability, and hopefully they will when they reach that age. They are still little tho. I'm a long way from being a boomer lol. My parents, they were prob boomers.

I don't think that just because I did it everyone can or should. I know we aren't all the same. And while I'd have much rather had my parents still here, I am a much stronger person now than I would have been otherwise. My sister is 10 years older than me, and always had them to fall back on and did several times. She's 50 and still can't manage money to save her life. She was still living with my mom when she died and she was 30... She had a lot more support and security than I ever did as a young adult and it didn't help her a bit. She's still paying off student loans from her year and a half of college, while I worked a full time job and a part time job while I went to school full time and never took out a single loan or got any grants. There is a huge difference in how we handle adulting in general bc she never had to stand on her own and I did.

My point was just that I can't fathom wanting or needing to depend on my parents in my 20's. I'm not judging anyone for what they do or how they choose to handle it.

 

[4luv2cdisney]

Oh I def want my kids to have that stability, and hopefully they will when they reach that age. They are still little tho. I'm a long way from being a boomer lol. My parents, they were prob boomers.

I don't think that just because I did it everyone can or should. I know we aren't all the same. And while I'd have much rather had my parents still here, I am a much stronger person now than I would have been otherwise. My sister is 10 years older than me, and always had them to fall back on and did several times. She's 50 and still can't manage money to save her life. She was still living with my mom when she died and she was 30... She had a lot more support and security than I ever did as a young adult and it didn't help her a bit. She's still paying off student loans from her year and a half of college, while I worked a full time job and a part time job while I went to school full time and never took out a single loan or got any grants. There is a huge difference in how we handle adulting in general bc she never had to stand on her own and I did.

My point was just that I can't fathom wanting or needing to depend on my parents in my 20's. I'm not judging anyone for what they do or how they choose to handle it.

OOPS! To clarify, I wasn't calling you a snooty boomer and not all boomers are snooty!

We just happen to encounter quite a few IRL that are! lol

 

[mjkacmom]

My 23 year old is moving back home on Monday, after being in apartments by college for 4 years, paying rent. He had a great paying job, but his roommates are moving out and his job is now remote. He graduated with about $60,000 in loans so he can bump up his monthly payment by $800 and still be able to save money. He contributes the max to his 401k and has other accounts. He works 12 hour days so I’m happy to be able to cook for him, do his laundry (honestly I’m milking this whole 25 year SAHM gig with the 2 youngest heading to college in the fall). I’m hoping he can find some cheap office space. He’s been working since 14, had 2 jobs in college (garden center and athletic department, he loves plants and sports).

 

[dez1978]

OOPS! To clarify, I wasn't calling you a snooty boomer and not all boomers are snooty!

We just happen to encounter quite a few IRL that are! lol

lol it's all good. I'm 40 and my kids are 10 & 7 so compared to their friends parents I feel like a boomer sometimes

I probably should have also said I totally understand your point as well. It def was hard and I wouldn't want that for my kids either. Its just that life experiences shape how you see things and I didn't have all of that so its weird to me that now it's the norm I guess. Idk how to explain it really. But times have changed. When I was a kid in the 80's I fit into my parent's lives. Their life did not revolve around me. I think it was like that for most families in the 70-80's at least the families I knew. My parents planned vacations they wanted to go on, not anything because it was someplace I might enjoy. I don't remember them ever even asking my opinion about anyplace I might like to go. I remember one particularly looong trip to visit the Amana colonies and other amish communities along that way when I was about 9-10. My parents never came to any plays I was in or sports games I played, they just dropped me off and went to do something else lol. But thats the way it was for most I think because I certainly don't remember any people in the stands. And I never doubted that my parents loved me just because they weren't there. Now families plan entire vacations to legoland or disney, not because they have any desire to go, but because their kids do. We spend hours driving our kids to wrestling tournaments and football games etc, and feel bad if we miss one out of the whole season, even if the other parent is there. We plan everything around our kids schedules. Whether its having to be home for naptime or bedtime when they are little, to practices and games as they get older. And that isn't really a bad thing. It's just different.

 

[mjkacmom]

lol it's all good. I'm 40 and my kids are 10 & 7 so compared to their friends parents I feel like a boomer sometimes

I probably should have also said I totally understand your point as well. It def was hard and I wouldn't want that for my kids either. Its just that life experiences shape how you see things and I didn't have all of that so its weird to me that now it's the norm I guess. Idk how to explain it really. But times have changed. When I was a kid in the 80's I fit into my parent's lives. Their life did not revolve around me. I think it was like that for most families in the 70-80's at least the families I knew. My parents planned vacations they wanted to go on, not anything because it was someplace I might enjoy. I don't remember them ever even asking my opinion about anyplace I might like to go. I remember one particularly looong trip to visit the Amana colonies and other amish communities along that way when I was about 9-10. My parents never came to any plays I was in or sports games I played, they just dropped me off and went to do something else lol. But thats the way it was for most I think because I certainly don't remember any people in the stands. And I never doubted that my parents loved me just because they weren't there. Now families plan entire vacations to legoland or disney, not because they have any desire to go, but because their kids do. We spend hours driving our kids to wrestling tournaments and football games etc, and feel bad if we miss one out of the whole season, even if the other parent is there. We plan everything around our kids schedules. Whether its having to be home for naptime or bedtime when they are little, to practices and games as they get older. And that isn't really a bad thing. It's just different.

My parents left us with neighbors when they went on vacation, they even went to Williamsburg when we were certainly old enough to appreciate it but no. We did get to drive down to Florida every winter to visit our snowbirding grandparents at senior communities (shuffleboard anyone). Thank goodness WDW opened, they’d give us rolls of quarters and send us to the arcade at the contemporary and sit by the pool. They loved us but we were just kids.

 

[dez1978]

My parents left us with neighbors when they went on vacation, they even went to Williamsburg when we were certainly old enough to appreciate it but no. We did get to drive down to Florida every winter to visit our snowbirding grandparents at senior communities (shuffleboard anyone). Thank goodness WDW opened, they’d give us rolls of quarters and send us to the arcade at the contemporary and sit by the pool. They loved us but we were just kids.

Yep. My parents would have died for me if needed, but they had whole lives before I was born and they kept those lives after. Now you see posts all the time about "would you go on vacation without your kids?" and most of the comments are no, I could never.. I'd feel so guilty leaving them with grandma, etc. Like we've forgotten we are exist as anything other than a parent. I have left both of my kids with babysitters (bc obv no grandparents lol) to go on small trips. Granted the babysitters were teachers at their daycare, so they were people we knew and the kids knew and trusted, not just a random teenage girl. I feel like I fall somewhere in between the generations of parenting lol. Like I'm way more involved than my parents were but less than most parents who have kids the same ages.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yep. My parents would have died for me if needed, but they had whole lives before I was born and they kept those lives after. Now you see posts all the time about "would you go on vacation without your kids?" and most of the comments are no, I could never.. I'd feel so guilty leaving them with grandma, etc. Like we've forgotten we are exist as anything other than a parent. I have left both of my kids with babysitters (bc obv no grandparents lol) to go on small trips. Granted the babysitters were teachers at their daycare, so they were people we knew and the kids knew and trusted, not just a random teenage girl. I feel like I fall somewhere in between the generations of parenting lol. Like I'm way more involved than my parents were but less than most parents who have kids the same ages.

I feel the same way, left kids with the grandparents to go away and paid babysitters to go out, but my kids have been on way more vacations than i did growing up.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Our job as parents is to teach them the next step in life is how to save and be on their own. At some point as parents we have to let grow and be on their own. They will learn at some point. And you can be their to give advice. If we save them everytime , they will never learn.

 

[supersnoop]

What do you mean by "budget?" Can you explain it? Can you show it? I've got people high up in organizations who only know that a budget is what someone else tells them they can spend. Making a budget makes sense to me; I just seem to understand how it works, but many people have never had the opportunity to create one or even understand the purpose of one. It's usually not a motivation issue, but an understanding issue.

 

[HeatherC]

It sounds like she is a great kid and mom and dad should be very proud. But I do think if she is ready to venture out on her own, it is our job as parents to “let them fly”. Even if she does blow all her money, she is obviously a very bright kid and will always find a way to make money. Better she blow all her money now and learn a lesson then when she has a family of her own and her own kids to worry about. I am betting she will do great!

 

[dvcgirl67]

No kids here, just life experience. I'm 53 and on my third career, which happens now to be a small service business that I own and run. My B.A. was in communications and I worked in public relations for two years, went back to school to become a registered nurse, did that for over ten years, burned out and started my small business. I've lived on my own since I was 22 and I learned how to budget, save and invest only when I got out on my own. DH and I met in our mid-20s and had developed those skills by being out on our own as younger adults.

She doesn't need a pile of cash before moving out, getting married and buying a house as you mentioned. Not many of us had that when we started. Most of us figure that out as we go. And most of us end up just fine. I'm betting your girl will be too. . Also, in my experience, with the kind of degrees your daughter has....getting bitten by the "money bug" while learning a skill like mortgage underwriting isn't a bad thing, it's just another tool in the toolkit. The most important things you said is that she's a hard worker and a good kid. I'd let her figure out how to "adult" on her own. That isn't to say she won't make some mistakes along the way, but she doesn't sound like a quitter to me.

 

[sjrec]

After college I lived in an apartment with friends. Took several wonderful trips when I had vacations. I saved some money along the way but wouldn’t give up those experiences for anything! And I learned to budget along the way. I knew my parents were there to help out in any emergency but I valued my independence. We raised our daughter to be independent as well, and I am so proud of her-we would help out if needed in a heartbeat, but she and her husband have done well for themselves on their own.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

lol it's all good. I'm 40 and my kids are 10 & 7 so compared to their friends parents I feel like a boomer sometimes

I probably should have also said I totally understand your point as well. It def was hard and I wouldn't want that for my kids either. Its just that life experiences shape how you see things and I didn't have all of that so its weird to me that now it's the norm I guess. Idk how to explain it really. But times have changed. When I was a kid in the 80's I fit into my parent's lives. Their life did not revolve around me. I think it was like that for most families in the 70-80's at least the families I knew. My parents planned vacations they wanted to go on, not anything because it was someplace I might enjoy. I don't remember them ever even asking my opinion about anyplace I might like to go. I remember one particularly looong trip to visit the Amana colonies and other amish communities along that way when I was about 9-10. My parents never came to any plays I was in or sports games I played, they just dropped me off and went to do something else lol. But thats the way it was for most I think because I certainly don't remember any people in the stands. And I never doubted that my parents loved me just because they weren't there. Now families plan entire vacations to legoland or disney, not because they have any desire to go, but because their kids do. We spend hours driving our kids to wrestling tournaments and football games etc, and feel bad if we miss one out of the whole season, even if the other parent is there. We plan everything around our kids schedules. Whether its having to be home for naptime or bedtime when they are little, to practices and games as they get older. And that isn't really a bad thing. It's just different.

This is so true. My parents bought a house at the shore (boating/fishing area, not a beach house) when I was 8. My brother was 11 and played Little League Baseball for years. At first, we’d go to the shore on weekends after his games, which ended Sat afternoons. After that season, they told him not to sign up next year because it was using up too much of their weekend time. Nowadays, parents’ weekends revolve around their kids activities.

 

[sbristol]

Let her go. She is an adult and wants to live as one. I would never guilt my kids into living at home when they have enough money to live independently. Maybe in a year or so, she will regret all the money she is throwing away on rent and want to buy a home. Then, let her move back in and save.

My 25 year old son got tired of paying $1800 a month for rent on a tiny apartment and bought a house. He had to figure things out for himself. Let your daughter do the same.

Both our kids know that if something unexpected happens, we are here to help. We will always have their backs!

I very much agree with this. Kids need to learn at some point how to be on their own!

 

[bear_mom]

Time to let it go and let her learn on her own. Part of growing up is learning from things you did right and those you could have done better.

When I graduated college I would be resistant (to say the least) to my mom telling me I had to sit down with her and develop a budget with her. Honestly, in my mid-40’s, I can’t say dh and I have ever had a formal budget and we have done just fine.

 

[808blessing]

The budget my mom showed me when I was a kid was: here is how much I get a month. Here is what rent, utilities, groceries and gas cost. I have this much left a month. How should we spend it? What are other things we need. So basically a talk (and shown in print or text) over fixed and discretionary expenses. The talk/doc left an impression on us. I think it actually kicked my mom in gear to see she had to make new choices because her current job could never allow for savings with the cost of living. Budgeting is very important on a limited income and no safety net.

 

[MrsPete]

People are talking about "I've never used a budget, and I manage my money well" vs. "A budget is a tool to keep you in line."

Consider that some people are born with (or naturally develop) a good sense of how to manage their money. Those people will probably do fine with a general concept of a budget; whereas, people for whom money management doesn't come naturally will probably benefit from written guidelines on paper. Like most tasks, we're not all equally good at managing money.

The things that would concern me most -- if this were my child -- are
- We've all seen figures about how much it "costs" long-term to delay beginning to save by just a year or two.
- We all assume (especially when we're young) that we will be able to work as long as we please /choose our own retirement date. I read an article recently that says 1/3 of all Americans are forced out of the work force earlier than they expect: some through lay-offs, some because of medical issues, some because of family needs. Thing is, as I look at my own family and friends -- yeah -- that's about right. So beginning to save early is a good choice.

 

[4luv2cdisney]

People are talking about "I've never used a budget, and I manage my money well" vs. "A budget is a tool to keep you in line."

Consider that some people are born with (or naturally develop) a good sense of how to manage their money. Those people will probably do fine with a general concept of a budget; whereas, people for whom money management doesn't come naturally will probably benefit from written guidelines on paper. Like most tasks, we're not all equally good at managing money.

The things that would concern me most -- if this were my child -- are
- We've all seen figures about how much it "costs" long-term to delay beginning to save by just a year or two.
- We all assume (especially when we're young) that we will be able to work as long as we please /choose our own retirement date. I read an article recently that says 1/3 of all Americans are forced out of the work force earlier than they expect: some through lay-offs, some because of medical issues, some because of family needs. Thing is, as I look at my own family and friends -- yeah -- that's about right. So beginning to save early is a good choice.

This is so true. My kids are only 3 1/2 years apart and started more serious investing just last year. My younger daughter has much better projections and can still get away with lower contributions for the rest of her life.

 

[tzolkin]

She was blessed to have no college debt thanks to grandparents and mom and dad, so she has never had to struggle, so she has been able to basically spend what she wanted without having to be an "adult".

Unfortunately she will likely need to learn these things through her own experience and no amount of budgeting/teaching/discussion is going to help.

My oldest (22) is not good with money. My husband and I are almost fanatical about saving and have even worked in financial education so she's very well informed, but it's just not her personality. I would love if she had lived with us for a year or two and saved up a ton of money, but she absolutely will not do it. If she doesn't have an apartment and bills, she will spend that money frivolously instead of saving. The rent seems like such a waste of money to me, but if the money is going to disappear to random spending anyway she may as well be learning responsibility and independence.

I think one thing that parents don't often consider is how making their children's lives easier can actually hinder them. We tend to see it as a positive if we are able to afford to provide nice things for our children, but they often come to view those things as basic life essentials instead of things they have to work/struggle/earn. For example, they may see vacations as something everyone just receives rather than something reserved for those who earn a certain income or budget for over a long period of time.

 

[StacyStrong]

She's what? 22? 23? You can give her advice if she asks (or politely tell her your opinion if she doesn't) and ask her to pay rent if she lives with you, but other than that, what she does with her money is really none of your business. You can worry about your kid, but hovering over an adults finances is...inappropriate imo unless she is actively coming to you for money.