Other Parents of Only Children?

[labdogs42]

I am even more convinced that I love having an only after an unpleasant incident that occurred at my MIL's house when we were there celebrating Christmas. My BIL got in my face about how I discipline my son and I was furious. My Dh was furious, too. At least if I stick with one, he'll have less crazy family members to fight with in his future!

 

[PollyannaMom]

....But, mainly in the area of sticking up for himself. He just doesn't seem to get it when another kid roughly grabs something or physically pushes to get ahead. He sort of looks at them quizically. He doesn't have the need to function that way at home. Please don't be mistaken, I don't want him to be a bully, but I want him to be able to stand up for himself. Any advice?

Happy New Year to all!

No advice really, just agreeing. - My only was the same way when he was little! I think because they are used to rational adults, they expect other kids to act rationally/politely as well. Eventually, they do realize that not everyone plays fair, and the quizical bit goes away. But I still run into the giving in with DS - he's not used to conflict with other kids at home, so even when he know it's not fair, he hates to see another kid upset!

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

But, mainly in the area of sticking up for himself. He just doesn't seem to get it when another kid roughly grabs something or physically pushes to get ahead. He sort of looks at them quizically. He doesn't have the need to function that way at home. Please don't be mistaken, I don't want him to be a bully, but I want him to be able to stand up for himself. Any advice?

No advice here either, but we're dealing with the same thing. His teacher has told me a couple of times she is glad he's found his 'voice' because he typically doesn't stand up for himself. He just lets other kids take things from him or push him because he doesn't understand (or maybe doesn't care???) that they're doing it.

 

[sandynd]

Because of our ages now (I just turned 43 and DH is almost 51) we do not qualify for the majority of countries that do adoptions and the few we might qualify for turn us away because of our weight. Domestically, we realize some pregnant teen isn't going to choose us over young perky "Ken and Barbie" when they look at all the listings of people who want to adopt.
We are looking into becoming involved with the foster system with the goal to adopt a little girl to complete our family.

Robin - be careful about your decision to go into fostering, especially with hoping to adopt - your hopes and dreams will be crushed many times over, and you could end up adopting someone out of desperation and optimism. Caseworkers are very human, and under a lot of pressure to say what you want to hear ("it will be a slam-dunk to terminate his bios parental rights" - "you're his only hope" - "of course you'll get support money for his therapy and his group home needs and his medical and when he burns your house down, etc etc etc.") and find people who are willing to be permanent homes (but who often end up just being on call and never getting to adopt, especially if they actually have any sort of hopes of a specific child.) However, TPR is only VERY rarely a slam dunk. Many times the judges, who are the only ones who have a say in the matter, look at a bio parent who originally left their kids out in the street while they went to party, and haven't seen their kids since they went into foster care, but who suddenly got religion and brought a broken toy to a visit at the visit centre two days before the court case, as "improving" and will give them chance after chance to get their kids back, and may send them back on technicalities, or send them to relative who have never seen them, or if a caseworker has a "favourite" couple in mind...

Even little kids can come into your home greatly damaged and unfixable. We had a four-year-old boy with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (basically his mother cauterized his brain with booze while she was pregnant) who threatened to kill us, set the house on fire, attacked our daughter for no reason, had complete breaks with reality, etc, etc. From reading about FAS, I know that he doesn't have the capacity to get much better. The couple who adopted him basically got a pat on the head and assurances that all he needed was a loving stable home. The workers didn't tell the couple that the loving stable home needs to be prepared to make all of his decisions and be his external brain as well as psych ward for the rest of his life if they don't want him to end up in jail.

I'm not saying don't do it, but be completely prepared and go in with your eyes open. fosterparents.com is an amazing group of people to steer your research.

Like I said, we're happy to be back to three - fostering was a very long year for us, and I'm not sure we want to do it again.

 

[momma2minnie]

Hi all!
My husband and I are parents to our one and only 4yo daughter and wouldn't have it any other way.

We are 31 and 32, and have been togehter since junior year high school. Have been married for 8.

Aways said we were too selfish to have children and were content to be aunt and uncle...then one day I felt like something was missing...I wanted to be a mommy! Hubby and I talked about it for awhile and he admitted he had been thinking about it too.

Decided to stop preventing and had no trouble getting pregnant. Had a great pregnancy and call me crazy even enjoyed the birthing process.
We decided almost right away that we were done and 4 years later still feel the same. We both work full time. Opposite shifts so that she never had to go to daycare (not that that's a bad thing, just not our thing) and since she started pre-k this year DH who has the night shift is able to sleep during the day!

My answer to thise who ask "when's the next one?" We don't feel like there's anything missing...she completed us!

We did have a moment ... well maybe 24hours New Year's Day 2007 when we decided to have another baby. We even went so far as to tell family we would try for another one. We quickly came to our senses and realized it was just the excitement of having several friends and family members who were expecting that was clouding our judgement. We decided to plan our one and only's first Disney trip instead! We took her Dec 2007 and had a beautiful time.

I struggled with her having to make all of the difficult decisions alone when we get older, but I now see it as she won't have to argue with anyone over them.

So here's to us the parents of one

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

Hi momma2minnie!

We felt the same way for a long time...I was pretty adament for awhile about being childfree. Got pretty nasty about it at times too, which I realize now was very wrong.
I had a difficult childhood growing up and didn't think I had what it takes to be a decent parent, let alone a good one. I'm still not sure about how good a parent I really am some days.
Then one day, I realized I was getting older (even though I was only 23 at the time) and knew that I had to have a child before I got too old to appreciate and enjoy being a parent. We tried for almost a year and I finally said, "You know what? If it's going to happen, it's going to happen." and let it go at that because every month I was getting upset that I wasn't pregnant yet.
When I let go and just let Mother Nature do her thang, I got pregnant. I asked for a healthy child, nothing more. But when you leave that much OPEN for the Powers That Be, a great number of jokes are going to come about.

 

[erinlees_mommie]

We have an ONLY...and wouldn't change it for the world.
Some days it would be fun to have a little one and actually know we were pregnant in the months before but I think we were better off not knowing.
See....DH and I had been TTC for 4 years.We had been through testing and I was told it was me that was infertile.So we stopped worrying about things in the baby dept.
My daddy passed away Aug 6th 2003.He was the ONLY family member that knew we were TTC....
Fast Forward to April 2004.Something weird was going on with me.My ****s were leaking and I had no clue of why..I thought the worst ... breast cancer...or something unexplainable.I had a friend who was about 6 months pregnant .. she said I should test.She knew we couldn't get pregnant but explained to me she was leaking too.So Easter weekend we bought a home test.It was HOT PINK within seconds.DH googled false positives for the tests online.We didn't want our hopes to get up.Especially since what we had been through.
The following Monday we were in the clinic taking another test.She said the same thing...It was HOT PINK ... and fast.
I was told by 3 different docs how far I might be.18-20 weeks,20-22 weeks and 22-24 weeks with out a scan..Then we went for the scan and I was 24.5 weeks along and had no clue.Previous to this I had 2 kidney stones and blood work and urine samples were taken and it was negative for pregnancy.
So..we find out that our little miracle baby is due 2 days after my daddy passed away the year before.
She was 2 weeks late ... I was induced...and it turned into a C-section that turned into an emergency C-section because I could feel the cutting!! Her cord was around her neck 2 times and I was knocked out.Things didn't turn out the way all couples dream of pregnancy and birth being.
SO...that being said...I am an only child and DD is an only child.Dh has a younger sister by 4 years.They do not get along.

Having an only isn't bad at all..she is super spoiled..but is very well behaved.Loving,caring,friendly...very well rounded.Her teacher tells us all the time you would never know she was an only by the way she is in class.She shares very well and will give things to others without them asking.
We love knowing we can get in the car and go ... just the 3 of us and not have to worry about anything.
Sadly I have friends who wish they had only one because they can't do the things we get to enjoy or see the things we get to see because the money isn't there for them.
I see families that have 2 or more that I feel sorry for the kids for not getting the one on one parent affection or attention that the first child got.We are a Navy family so we see this all the time.

I am so thankful to have her because she shouldn't have been ours.So I won't be greedy.I will love the one I have just as much as somebody who has 2 or 10 to love.

 

[Tara619]

We will only have 1 child. While pregnant, I developed a pretty serious, rare autoimmune disease that's wreaked havoc on my body. I really like only having one child. Even if I was healthy, I think I'd still be done with one. Daycare is expensive enough for one kid. I work full time and am not the type to be able to SAH. I sometimes think about what it would be like to have a little girl, but I am at peace with having only one. He's happy and healthy and keeps me busy!!

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

Awww...

Dh has a younger sister by 4 years.They do not get along.

I know how that feels.
I have a younger sister and a younger brother that I hardly ever see. Pretty much by choice. Growing up, my mom and stepdad were the kind of people you would think shold have NEVER had children. My stepdad was a workaholic and a strict disciplinarian while my mother (who also worked most of the time as well) was just too self-involved to deal with her own kids. It really affected the relationship I have with my siblings.
I also highly disapprove of some of the choices my sister and brother have made. My sister is 27 years old and has 3 kids already, works a dead end job and is tied to a deadbeat boyfriend. She looks far older than her years and she always looks exhausted when I see her. I feel sorry for her but I can't help her. She borrows money from my parents all the time and they drive her to work, watch her kids, buy her groceries, etc. I honestly believe she will never stand on her own until they both pass away and even then, it'll be shaky.
My brother is basically the same way unfortunately. He is a very smart young man and a brilliant tile installer but he can't hold down a job. He's tried to get into the miliatary but he has health issues that keep him out. I don't know what to do for him, so I let him go his own way.

I'm not close with either of them and sometimes I envy people who are close with their siblings.

 

[Berta]

My DD is part of the 1% failure rate of the pill club...and is a blessing every day! We didn't plan our pregnancy, but then my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer...and watching the two of them together in the first 3 years of her life was wonderful to behold. I truly believe that she was sent to ease the last years of his life.

All that being said, DH and I are both teachers and we take our jobs very seriously. We weren't even sure we had it in us to be parents at all, given that we have 150-180 students per year as it is, and we spend many hours after school at our HS. After major complications during pregnancy, and on the advice of my doctor, we thought it best to quit while ahead. By the time I thought about having another child, I was over 40, so that ended that quickly. DD used to ask about brothers or sisters, but that passed at about age 8, when she realized that her cousin was always complaining about her sister every chance she had.

The best thing about parenting an only is that we are lucky enough to be able to give her the extras...gymnastics and tennis lessons, trips to WDW, etc...which wouldn't be possible on our salaries if we had another child. We are also very close, and, because she's been raised with adults, she's very responsible and mature for her age.

The worst thing was the judgement (real and implied) of family members when they asked when we would have another, as they were all doing, and we explained that wasn't really feasible for us.

For us, the best thing about being at Disney with an only is that we all get to enjoy our favorites equally, as we all are involved in planning. The worst thing about being at Disney with an only is that she is at the age where she would rather have a friend along than us!!! We're solving that one by vacationing with family friends who have 2 children about the same age on our next trip.

 

[Broadway Duchess]

I am so glad I found this thread! I get so tired of people (family members, but strangely not my mother) feeling that they have the right to ask when and why not regarding a very personal issue. My aunt tells me to hurry before I lose my "youth and beauty." (Yes, there are people who actually think this way.)

When did I decide to have an only? I really didn't; it just seemed to work out that way. When DS9 was born, his dad died not that long after. A bit after that, DS was diagnosed with cancer. After I was blessed with his health and was just getting back into regular life, I met DBf. He loves DS as his own, and he assures me that while a little girl would be nice, our little family is great as is.

What is my favorite thing about being the parent to an only child? I love being able to give him my attention. I knew from an early age that I must have been born with some sort of strange condition; my love seems finite and I knew I didn't have enough for a baseball team. Two would have been my max.

What is the hardest thing about being the parent to an only child? I have a great relationship with my brother. I really wish that DS had that bond. Also, DS has had problems relating to other children before because he is mostly around adults. He's "advanced" in a lot of ways, but at the end of the day, he's still a kid.

What is my favorite thing about Disney with an only child? That we can afford to go! The biggest expense for us is airfare and PHoppers every few years. I wonder if we'd be able to do this with another child. Plus, we can splurge on those little things, like boat rentals, tours, etc.

What is my least favorite thing about Disney with an only child? We can't always ride things together, so someone usually rides alone at some point. Now that DS is getting older, there are some things that my brother and I did (hanging out at the pool without the folks, for example) that I'm not comfortable with him doing alone.

 

[theatermouse]

I've got one son & he is it! I joke that he is more than enough! I never, ever wanted children. In fact, I was so against having any that I cried nearly my whole pregnancy because of it. Sure, there were a few days, like the shopping days, that I enjoyed it, but for the most part, I was an unwilling victim (shocked as heck & in a bit of denial that it took 3 tests to get me to call a doctor. Even then, the nurse knew not to congratulate me). It probably didn't help that there were a lot of "things" that came up in the pregnancy to make it unpleasant and I never felt good, but I still wasn't happy. There were a few times I prayed that something would happen. Bad of me, I know, but I was that miserable. I was sent to the hospital 10 days before my due date to be induced (low amniotic fluid) and I was still freaking out, if you want me to be honest. His heart rate plummeted once they broke my water, so I had to have an ER C-section where I was put to sleep. (I was only in "labor" for 20 minutes, never felt a thing...no drugs either!) Once my son was born, I wouldn't trade him in, but I didn't enjoy being pregnant. In some ways, I wish I could have another just so I could enjoy it and so I could experience his birth. I do feel I jipped my son in not enjoying that time with him.

Because of all those feelings and for economic reasons (prior to this "downturn"), we have pretty much decided he will be it for us. I've had some health issues that really knock down our chances for getting pregnant again, too. I am 1 of 4 (well, I guess 5, but I've met the other brother once and he's like 23 years younger than me) but I grew up feeling like an only, in many ways. My younger sisters shared a room and are still very close, but I never really connected with them nor am I in contact with them. My older brother was raised by our grandparents. We are kind of close now, but I live in NC and he's in PA. My husband has a younger sister, but never really was able to get to know her and still doesn't. He does have a daughter that is 11, but he never sees her. Our son is "our" only.

In some ways I do feel bad for my son being an only. He is starting to show signs of being bored, restless, and lonely, but I know I can't have another just to make sure he'd have a "friend." I always said if I had another I'd want them relatively close in age and he's at the age now that I don't want to. Selfish of me, I know, but in some ways, I'd be the one to have to go through so much just for him. I feel we can do so much more for him by being an only child. My mom struggled so much with the 3 of us girls and I'd hate to do that to our son. He's already got so much more than I ever did as a child and is able to do so much more, too. We are able to take him to Disney, we have season tickets for our local amusement park, going to Nascar events & meeting drivers, and so many other "little" things.

I am the only one in our family with 1 child. Everyone else has at least 2. My cousin is the only one who grew up an only and she admits she never longed for a sibling. She had friends to fill that void. My sister-in-law is the only one who is serious when she asks when we'll have another. But then again, she grew up in a big family and enjoyed it. My mom supports our decision to have one, probably going back to how hard it was for her to raise 3 on her own. No one has called me selfish and they'd probably get an earful if they did!

While this will be our first "real" trip to Disney, it's kind of our 2nd. We did a weekend in Orlando 2 years ago and went to Blizzard Beach & Downtown Disney, but my husband and son have never been to any of the 4 big parks. I went when I was 11 to MK and then worked there for 4 months back in '04, but never made it to AK. My husband doesn't ride ANYTHING so hopefully I can raise our son to be a "dare devil" with me and he'll be my rider. Otherwise, it's the single passenger line for me!

I know I opened up a lot, kind of surprised myself! Like others, I do kind of long for a daughter, but like I've joked, I want a little girl, but to trade her in before puberty. Nah, my little boy is awesome and if he continues to grow up as well as he has (very polite and generous), I'll have a great son who will turn into a great man (who loves his Mommy!)!

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

Chaeli is an only child and it will stay that way. DH has had a vasectomy. Our reason...well there are many reasons actually. It started with our journey of just trying to have a child. I have a blood disease called ITP that involves low platelet levels and can be fatal. My first OB told me I shouldn't have kids. After getting the okay from my specialist and knowing that I would be risking not only life but the life of my unborn child, DH and I decided to start trying. Unfortunately our road of trying to conceive lead to 3 miscarriages during a span of 2 years. We underwent all the infertility testing and they found nothing wrong with either of us. A double edged sword. We also experienced in those 2 years difficulty conceiving. After the second miscarriage it took 8 months to get pregnant again and after the third miscarriage it took 7 months to conceive DD. When we got pregnant with DD we decided that if we lost that pregnancy we were done. Our emotions were tapped and we couldn't deal with it anymore. We just wouldn't have children. Well as you can see by my siggy DD is here and she is perfect and healthy. The pregnancy went relatively smooth with a few bumps. Around 5 months I had some bleeding, turned out to be a polyp on my cervix. Okay no big deal. At 26 weeks I was put on modified bed rest due to preterm labor. Then at 33 weeks was put on strict bedrest due to more contracts and DD was very low. I ended up being induced at 38 weeks 6 days due to my blood pressure climbing for 3 weeks in a row. The day before induction it was 150/102. They started induction with cervidil and I started contracting badly 1.5 hours after they started it which they said was not normal. After 25 hours of labor, 15 of which were before the epidural I ended up with a c-section due to failure to progress. I never made it past 4cm. During the c-section I started bleeding and it became an emergency situation. Finally after 4 different medications I stopped bleeding and was stitched up and on my way to recovery with my perfect and healthy DD. I could have died during the c-section and left behind my beautiful baby girl and DH. We decided that it just wasn't worth the risk to have another child. We decided that after all we had been through that we would rather DD be an only child then have a sibling but no mother. So when DD was 5 weeks old DH had a vasectomy and we have never second guessed that decision. Our family is perfect. We have the happy and healthy child we always wanted and that is the only thing that matters.

 

[DISNEYNV]

DH wanted only one child. I wanted three. We compromised at two! DD was three and a half when we had DS. She was the only grandchild on my side of the family and was very spoiled. I love having two kids but somedays wish that it were still just one. I am a SAH and between taking DD to preschool and cleaning up the house, etc it is nothing like just having one! I used to do art projects and Gymboree classes with DD but can not afford or find the time with DS. DD tells me everyday how much she hates her brother and asks why I had another! It gets to me sometimes. DD is definately a high maintenance child while DS is more east going. I applaud all of you for realizing you just want one and am happy with your decision

 

[erinlees_mommie]

It is so nice seeing that I am not the only one who feels our family of 3 is complete.
I hear it all the time from 'friends' with more than one.We are in the minority when it comes to people with only one child around here.They think we are wrong for not giving her a brother or sister.I think we went through enough having her.The labor alone was enough to make me not ever want to do it again.People that have kids one after another and have peaches and cream labors don't understand what it is like.

Thanks for the post !! It makes me feel better that we aren't the only family of 3 out there that is happy !!

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

I HATE it when people (usually complete strangers) tell me I'm selfish for only having one, for not giving DS a brother/sister to play with, etc.

There are days when I'd like to have another one, usually after I've been playing with, feeding, etc my nephew Moose who is about 18 mos old now. But that usually passes pretty quickly, thank goodness. I know if I had another child, I wouldn't be able to devote the time/attention needed to DS's special issues.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

So here's what I don't get. How am I, as the parent of an "only" being any more or less selfish than say....a mom of 2, 6, 14 or 18? Sorry, but I'm not!

K

 

[SarahKate]

We have one, DD who will be 7 in June. I have not ruled out a 2nd child. I feel unsettled about it, but know that I can't let us have a 2nd unless I am 100% sure it's the right thing for us. I also just started my own business in the last 6 months and right now can't fathom having a baby and juggling that.

DH & I are both only children. When we got married we figured we would have 2 kids, but not more than that. Then life happened, DD was born and we got REALLY comfortable to it being the 3 of us.

DD has been asking about a sibling, even though I explain to her that the 2nd child wouldn't really be a playmate for her because of age diff. I think she is a little lonely. It's hard because since both DH and I are onlies, we enjoy "ourself" time - lsometimes I'm doing one thing, DH is doing his thing and DD does her thing. We've been talking about that and are really going to try to change that because DD I think is a lot more social than we were at that age. But on the other hand, she NEEDS to be able to be on her own as well.

We are also thinking about getting a dog as a family companion. Even though a dog is a LOT of work too, it would add a new dynamic to our family and give DD someone to bond with.

I'm struggling with our family situation a lot lately. Both our moms have passed (when DD turned 1). So it's my dad (and he has a nice girlfriend) and DH's dad. Other than that we really don't see the rest of our family. It's just sad that she's not growing up around family like I did. So to take the place, I have been really trying to arrange playdates and fun things.....not the same but that's just how our family is. Lots and lots of baggage in our family.

I think "only families" are getting more and more common. I know there are still more families w/ 2+ than onlies, but I just see it happening a lot more.

 

[HG_MOM]

Just found this thread and immediatly felt at home. I am an only child, who has a mom and dad who are also only children. Now I am a mom to any only...DD2. To me it just feels right. I don't think we are selfish in the least. I think the decision to have one had more to do with her than with us! We plan to give the one we were blessed with every possible advantage. DH is a bit older than I and wants to be able to see his child grow.
My Favourite Part of having an only ~ the 1on1 time she get with both of us.

The hardest thing about having an only ~ being an only myself I know that she will occasionaly be lonely...but I guess you can be lonely with 10 sibs too!

We are heading to WDW for the fiirst time as a family this April...and I can't wait!

 

[erinlees_mommie]

I think it is wonderful having DD and me dates to chick flicks *she wanted to see Confessions of a Shopaholic for Valentines day*...Even tho she watched her ipod movies when I was the one truly enjoying the flick it was nice for her to suggest that we go see it together.We had lunch,movie and popcorn...it was WONDERFUL.
Hubby is currently deployed so it was fun knowing that we could do this together and it not cost 40.00 or more.
I guess being an only I know that I can do things alone where as my 'friends' don't understand why I don't call them to go shopping or lunch or whatever.I am use to doing it by myself and don't feel the need to small talk if I don't want to.I am not use to being around people all the time.I have lost friends over them not understanding..but it is their loss for sure