OT Wedding gift in NJ

[krcit]

I agree with ryty44, it's just differant here on Long Island. I got married 12 years ago and my cost per plate was $65 and that was at Knights of Columbus It is actually a beautiful hall but we chose it b/c it was close to home and one of the cheapest. We had 230 people at ou wedding-we both come from huge families. DH and I paid for our wedding and invited the people we wanted to be there-not for their gifts but for their presence.The average gift we recieved was $125-$175 per couple and some gave much less, which is fine. I don't expect anyone to go into debt to give me a wedding gift.

 

[Spoodleink]

I check the registry and there's nothing left but very small items. They registered at Fortunoffs and Bed, Bath and Beyond but almost all of the registry items were given at the shower (a HUGE affair - catered at an upscale place with a wonderful dinner). When you factor in the engagement gift, the shower and the wedding, I wish I had just declined the invitation. But, the wedding is this coming Sunday - too late now. Do you think a peice of Waterford would be ok, in place of a $ gift? Is there an outlet in central/north Jersey?

There is a Waterford Store at the Outlets by Great Adventure in Jackson
They keep changing the name so I am not sure what the mall is called now

 

[mjbaby]

Do you think a peice of Waterford would be ok, in place of a $ gift? Is there an outlet in central/north Jersey?

Waterford would be lovely, if the piece is kind of complimentary to the "lifestyle" expressed on the registry. I don't mean if the pattern itself matches, but rather if it's in keeping with the formal-ness of the other stuff for which the couple registered. ETA: By this I mean that it doesn't make sense to give Waterford to a couple who has registered for lots of more casual stuff. If they've got more formal entertaining and household items, then Waterford likely will fit right into their taste.

Alternately, why not use the registry as a jumping-off point? If they registered for a certain glassware, surely there's a type of glass they didn't think of that you might be able to get? Young couples often register for wine and champagne glasses, for example, but forget old-fashioneds and/or high balls - which can be more useful. Alternately, if they've registered for a pitcher and glasses set, maybe there's a dessert plate that would be nice along side - and mention in a note that "your pitcher and glasses are so lovely I know you'll use them all the time. This is so you can enjoy a treat when you do...Love, ncbyrne


And, please, don't stress too much about this. If you don't have something on Saturday, wait a week and take care of it when you have more time. Believe me, the couple isn't going to be taking an inventory on the day (although, yes, I've heard of it, it's not common) and it would be a shame for your stress over the present to ruin your enjoyment of the celebration.

 

[dvcgirl]

I'm from Central NJ, live in Orlando now. In our part of NJ our bottom tier gift would be $200....that would be for an acquaintance. $300 for a closer work-friend.....and then more for family. That's just the way it is up that way it seems....

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Another Jersey person checking in here. We have not given less than 200.00 in quite a few years. Lately its more like 300.00 But thank god, weddings for us npow are few and far between. But I also subscribe to the give what you can afford rule.

 

[gopack]

Wow, any other Southern people out there? I am amazed at the numbers being thrown around by the NJ and NY people. I am starting to wonder if I am behind the times in what gifts go for these days. I thought $100 was a nice wedding gift. I have never heard of this cover your plate business. Am I in the minority here? People I know have wedding anywhere from the church fellowship hall to formal dinners at a hotel or country club. It sounds like it is customary in the North to give a gift based on how lavish the reception is-is this correct?

 

[gopack]

Oh, and how do you know how much "the plate" costs? Do people sit around talking about what they are paying for their reception?

 

[maddhatir]

I think I should be insulted with the southren NJ analogies. I live in South Jersey and I would give 200 easily, if not more. Depends again on how close you are to the couple. I agree with madhatir. I gottogo now and get a beer in a can with my grandmaaa........

are you and granny gonna drink yer beer out on the old sofa that you just threw out on the front porch......cuz thats where me and the old man like to sit and get drunk every night!-- after we get drunk we usually start a fight and have the cops ova here for a domestic (that would be fight not beer)

 

[maddhatir]

Oh, and how do you knw how much "the plate" costs? Do people sit around talking about what they are paying for thier reception?

usually you are familiar with the place they are holding the reception- so you know if it is expensive or not. OR- i talk to my firends/family to see how much they are giving (then call them crazy! )

but no- i mentioned before that it is not my responsibility to foot their "per head" bill, i feel that way when it is only an aquaintence or a long lost family member, you know, a 2nd cousin on DH's side!

if it is a close relative (ie 1st cousin that i grew up with) i will give about 300.00. if not, maybe 100.00 or 2 it according to whom the person is.

you want to know what really stinks- DH and i have (2) weddings coming up, both of my very close cousins are getting married (NO- not to each other- now thats a whole other topic!) but one is getting married in Oct- the other in Nov and DH and i are going to Disney in Sept and then we have christmas in dec! we may need to take out a 2nd mortgage for the months following summer!

 

[The Disney Bunch]

The Villa in Mountain Lakes is nice. It probably will cost the bride & groom about $100 for a Sunday night wedding meal.
I agree with the one poster - South Jersey is entirely different from North Jersey. The costs for everything is higher. Depnding upon the relationship, I would give between $150-200. If you are really good friends/relatives, then you might want to give more. We gave $300 to dh's brother but $150 to one of his cousins.
Whether it is whacky or not, covering the dish price is a rule of thumb that has been around for years.

 

[3mickeys&me]

I'm a South Jersey Girl and I would say your $100. would be just fine. If you are closer to the person getting married and want to give more than fine. Otherwise give what you feel is best and you can afford.

Dh and I had a large wedding and for us it wasn't about the gift. it was about celebrating our big day with family and friends. We appreciated every gift we received that day.

 

[barbeml]

I'm from Central NJ, live in Orlando now. In our part of NJ our bottom tier gift would be $200....that would be for an acquaintance. $300 for a closer work-friend.....and then more for family. That's just the way it is up that way it seems....

Thank goodness my Central Jersey peeps aren't in that category!

We got married 7 years ago. The only checks we received that were over $150 were from parents, grandparents and DH's boss. The others ranged from $25 to $150, and we appreciated every one of them.

And if someone is just an "acquaintance," I am certainly not writing a check for $200 (see my previous post), since the invite would be (IMHO and from recent experience) just a bid for a gift. (Of course, I wouldn't go to the wedding, either).

 

[arminnie]

I think I'm going to go find that thread about the advantages of living in Texas, and add that you don't have to write a big check to attend a wedding.

Seriously I've been invited to a lot of very, very nice weddings all over the country. In my crowd (I'm old by the way) it is only acceptable to give cash to someone who is poor (like a student) - and to do it if they are not is a HUGE insult.

When the bride and groom have a combined income of $300,000 and already own a home, I would really feel stupid giving them money no matter how much the wedding cost.

 

[SleepyatDVC]

Didn't read all the responses but here's my 2 cents. Btw, to bad the OP couldn't add everyone's 2 cents to their gift, then they wouldnt have a problem! Lol!

Just came back from a wedding in NJ. We gifted $200 for the 2 of us. While we are very comfortable, we are not flush with money either. Our personal limit is between $150-200 per couple. The groom was in our wedding party when we got married so we gave at the high end of our comfort zone.

When we got married in NYC in 1996, the $$ per person was over $50/pp for a Chinese Banquet. That was the bare minimum (it doesn't get any cheaper than chinese ) - ANYTHING remotely Western would have been lots more and totally out of our budget. Of course it had to be in the city, many of our guests and family were nNYers that needed to use public transportation because didn't have cars. If anything has changed since then, it's prices have gone up.

We, personally, do try to "cover our plate" so to speak but again within our comfort zone. If the wedding reception is a "basic" Chinese Banquet in Chinatown, it's usually at the lower end of our range (been there, done that a gazillion times). If it's something different, in a different venue, etc. we do give more. I know it sounds HORRIBLE like we are "paying" the bride and groom not to have a boring wedding! But that's just us. We know that wedding receptions outside the traditional Chinatown banquets WILL cost more no matter.

But if the bride and groom go all out and 5 star extravaganza, we don't feel like it is our responsibility to "cover" our plate either.

That all being said, how much you give totally depends on YOUR comfort zone. If $100 is all you feel comfortable giving, then don't push yourself into something you are uncomfortable with. If your DDs make you feel cheap or embarrassed and more $$ will be a hardship, my suggestion would be to enclose it with a small inexpensive gift/poem/whatever.

When we got married, we received a lot of money as well as gifts. Some people gave lots, some not. And to be honest, we appreciated the small as well as the big. We would just happy they came. We had a lot of clergy at our wedding. They along with many other people, literally had multiple weddings to go to every week! Can you imagine if they had to give $$$ at every wedding!!! NO way.

One of my absolute FAVORITE wedding gifts did not involve money or even an expensive gift. A sweet couple took lots of pictures during my wedding ceremony and inbetween the ceremony and the wedding banquet got the pictures developed at a one hour place. They cut out a lot of the pictures and made an instant wedding collogue (sp?). They photocopied the collogue through a color copier and had it laminated for me. It was the most wonderful gift - how moving to see my wedding picture so fast! THEY PRESENTED THE COLLOGUE TO ME AT THE BANQUET!!

While the "norm" may be a certain amount, nobody will expect eveyone to be in the "norm." Do what is comfortable for you and enjoy the ocassion.

 

[Anthony1971]

I think you should give what you can afford.... gatting married is about being happy. I do believe in covering my plate and a gift if I can at that time.
Being from NY and now living in central NJ I can tell you in both places weddings are not cheap about the same in both places...
all the people saying it is not thier choice that the bride and grrom spent $$$ for each plate.. well unless we break at the BBQ and ccok our own food that is the price.. the difference between a nice place and a cheap palce may be 20-30 a plate and that is goind to the extreme and when starting is 80 (maybe) it does not matter much (there are those places for the $$$$$$$ but I am talikng about a normal wedding)
you could have a pay bar or a buffet and a tape rather then a DJ or Band and a friend taking pictures........ But it is your wedding and while no one sets what you give the bride and groom also do not set the going rate for a wedding that they will comfortable giving and guests will be comfortable at............

 

[gina2000]

Everything just costs more up here. My wedding, 23 years ago, cost almost $50 pp not including the band which was another thousand. Not including floral arrangements. And we had chicken!

Northern NJ is just a very expensive place to live. And while we do try to "cover the plate", it's just not always possible nor is it necessary. We're used to the cost of living up here and while it makes most others gasp, we don't really think about it.

Give what you can afford. Give what you are comfortable with. We all know that people have different budgets and different ideas. I have a cousin in law from Washington State who is appalled by our over the top living. Even fancy holiday meals make her shiver. She's just not used to it. We don't change for her nor do we expect her to change for us.

Live and let live.

And have a great time doing it.

 

[disneysteve]

I have some questions for those of you who feel your gift should pay for your meal.

1. How do you find out how much the meal is? We're in the process of planning a bat-mitzvah which is basically the same as planning a wedding. The caterers offer a pretty wide variety of packages depending on exactly what is served. We could spend $75pp or we could spend $150pp. Until you arrive at the affair and see what is being served, you couldn't possibly know how much it cost (and even then you are just estimating). Do you wait until you are at the reception to write out your check?

2. Let's say you are equally close to 2 couples. Would you actually give one couple twice as much for a gift if you determined that their dinner was twice as expensive?

 

[barbeml]

I have some questions for those of you who feel your gift should pay for your meal.

1. How do you find out how much the meal is? We're in the process of planning a bat-mitzvah which is basically the same as planning a wedding. The caterers offer a pretty wide variety of packages depending on exactly what is served. We could spend $75pp or we could spend $150pp. Until you arrive at the affair and see what is being served, you couldn't possibly know how much it cost (and even then you are just estimating). Do you wait until you are at the reception to write out your check?

2. Let's say you are equally close to 2 couples. Would you actually give one couple twice as much for a gift if you determined that their dinner was twice as expensive?

I have a colleague who told me his secret: He does not write the check or seal the card until he is served dinner. If the liquor is top shelf and the food is good, the amount reflects it. He writes out the check in the men's room! Not my style, but pretty funny.

 

[disneyfreakk]

This is a very interesting thread! I tend to give around $150 for baby showers either a gift or cash, just depending on what I think the parents need at the time. And for weddings I spend at the very least $200 on a gift. It is considered rude in Texas to give a check because there really is no thought put into the gift.

to the OP: I would listen to your daughter if you want to know what is "acceptable" since the customs tend to change with each generation. Or you should at the very least give your cousins daughter a gift equal to what your cousin gave your kids when they got married. Please let us know what you have decided to do, I am curious now.

 

[Maria395712]

so how much should I give to a cousin with 4 of us going and it is at a lake 50 per person and 4 of us going and I was going to give 200-250 south jersey here I need help it is the 17th
maria