OT Wedding gift in NJ

[ncbyrne]

My cousin's DD is getting married this weekend. DH and I were going to give $100. But my DD said that isn't enough anymore and that the going rate is $200+. I need advice from those who live in the NJ - NY area.
I have five grown kids. Two live here in NJ area and three live in the south. All are married and I have learned that the wedding gift traditions are VERY different across the country. Two of my DDs were married in 1990. In NJ the shower gifts were equal to what my DD in VA got for wedding gifts. I wonder why that is.....

 

[rflorek]

I think it depends upon the relationship you hve with the couple, whether or not you're attending the ceremony/reception, and where the reception is held. My BF & I recently attended 2 weddings (both his friends). For his best friend (he was also one of 2 best men), we gave $500. For his other friend, we gave $250.

A general rule of thumb around here (at least in my circle) is that you want to give at least enough to cover your plate at the reception. Depending on where a reception is held, it could cost you a bunch.

Good luck!

 

[LBAK]

I've heard of gifts mostly $200 and up around here too. It's getting out of hand if you ask me. I say give what you're comfortable with. I don't believe in having to cover the cost of your plate. The bride and groom chose what they wanted, and chose to have you as part of their festivities. It doesn't mena you have to pay for yourself!

 

[problemchild718]

I live in NJ as well. I agree, rule of thumb is the amount of your plate. I am getting married in July and can tell you I searched ALL OVER to find a place under $100.00 per person. Many are well over that. I would give $100-$150 if I were going by myself, and at least $200-$250 if myself and my sig. other were going together. Good luck! Have a great time.

 

[ncbyrne]

give at least enough to cover your plate at the reception.
Good luck!

The reception is at the Villa at Mountain Lakes. I've never been there, and I have no clue what they charge per plate. It's a Sunday evening wedding.

 

[barbeml]

...for any expenditure should be what you can afford and gift giving should not have rules attached.

I guess all this garbage started with the diamond industry's claim that you "should" spend 2.5 months salary on an engagement ring or some such silliness. Hmmm, who does that little formula benefit?

All these "rules" for the never-ending gift-begging occasions are getting old, whether it is "estimating and paying for your plate" at a wedding dinner to how much the "goody bags" at a five-year-old's birthday party "should" cost (Yes, I have overheard some Moms commenting on "cheap" goody bags).

The last wedding (in NJ) we attended was one we should have skipped. It was an acquaintence of DH. It was painfully obvious that we were in the "z-list group of the Groom's lesser friends" who were only invited for the gift. Seven months later, we still have not received a thank-you note for the $150 check we gave those two 40-something professionals.

 

[antmaril]

I have to agree with your daughter. Having said that, you should give what you can afford. If $100 is your max, then it's fine. However, if you can afford more, I think it is in order. $100 doesn't buy much these days.

I agree with another poster that it also depends on your relationship with the bride and groom. If you are close to them, it would warrant a more generous gift.

When my nephew was married six years ago, we gave him $500. However, if we were going to my cousin's daughter's wedding today, we would give $200.

 

[Gillian]

I wouldn't go by the plate price. That's not your business, and you were not the one who chose the place/price, etc.

Give what you feel comfortable with. We'd probably go with $200 if we could afford to. $150 is an amount I feel comfortable giving people we aren't that close to.

 

[disneysteve]

I don't know who came up with the idea of covering the cost of your meal but that is just wacky. First of all, you didn't get to choose how much was spent. Secondly, you often have no idea how much was spent. So I don't know how folks determine gift-giving with the "cover your plate" criteria. Thirdly, the reception is often paid for by the bride's family but your gift goes to the couple, so why should the amount of your gift have any relation to the cost of the affair?

I agree that you should give what you are comfortable with and can afford based on how close you are with the couple. We live in Southern NJ and $100 is still a perfectly acceptable wedding gift around here.

It isn't your responsibility as a guest to pay for the reception. Your responsibility is to attend and help the bride and groom celebrate their special day.

 

[formernyer]

I lived on Long Island most of my life. As much as I completely disagree with the customs in the North, I have to agree with your DD that $100 will be viewed as cheap. If it's all you can afford then do it, but otherwise consider at least $150 or just decline the invite to the wedding.

I like it a lot better here in the south. There's no such thing as an Engagement Party (always a standard in the North), shower gifts are generally $20 and under, and wedding gifts are actual wrapped gifts ranging in value from $25 to $100. It's considered as tacky to give cash around here as it would be to give a wrapped gift in NY or NJ. Weddings around here are also just small parties (sometimes with no meal at all) held in either a church or somebody's house.

When I was married in 1992 I searched high and low for an affordable place to hold my wedding in NY. I wanted a brunch buffet (not customary in NY and a LOT cheaper than most weddings). I also kept the wedding very small (around 70 guests). We still ended up with close to $18k in cash gifts. Sure, it was nice to be able to buy our first new car with cash and then only need to save 6 months for our house downpayment (bought first home at 22), but I definitely think it's insane that people should get that much in gifts just for getting married. When I got married (1992) the average couple received over $25k in cash and many received $50k+. These are NOT wealthy families I'm talking about here...just the typical middle-class. The general mindset among the materialistic northerners is to invite as many people as possible so you can make as much money as possible. You wouldn't believe how many people get invited to weddings and then have to introduce themselves to the bride and groom once they're there..."Hi, I'm John...I work with your dad." And I know I'll get flamed by the northerners for that comment...please understand that I obviously don't think ALL northerners are materialistic, but compared to people in the south it's like an epidemic up north.

Back to the OP...do what you think it right, but unfortunately you will be perceived as cheap if you only give a gift of $100. If you really don't have the money to give extra I might consider finding a $200-$300 wrapped gift that's on clearance for $100 and give that. Not many people give wrapped gifts in the North, but a few people still do and you might be perceived as less cheap if you do it that way.

 

[formernyer]

We live in Southern NJ and $100 is still a perfectly acceptable wedding gift around here.

There's a world of difference between Southern NJ and Northern NJ.

Southern NJ = Southern mentality to an extent

Northern NJ = no different than Long Island, Manhattan, Conneticut...very materialistic

 

[phisigprincess]

:::quietly hoping it's the same way in PA....::: ha ha!! Seriously, we've been grateful for everything we've received so far - there really shouldn't be any 'expectations.'

 

[Spoodleink]

There's a world of difference between Southern NJ and Northern NJ.

Southern NJ = Southern mentality to an extent

Northern NJ = no different than Long Island, Manhattan, Conneticut...very materialistic

Umm ok thanks for the generalizations
I was raised in central Jersey and now live in NOVA (which I don’t think is technically the south) but I am getting married next month and spend as equal time on here and the Knot I can tell you the difference in gifts has more to do with cost of living and proximity to a large city then the whole north/south thing. I know people in Atlanta and savannah having huge weddings and expecting large checks from their guests. And people from NJ having small intimate ceremonies and receptions. I invited 125 and expect 60 to show and I am not expecting any where near 18K in gifts and cash.

To the OP give what you think is best if you give someone $100 and they think you are cheap then they don’t deserve your gift. A cousin if mine can’t make it to the Wedding and sent us a check for $25 I don’t think that was cheap that is what he wanted to send us and that’s great. I think it was nice of him to send us anything at all.

 

[blondimom]

I, too, would not give less than $200 and I live in Brooklyn, NY. The cost of living is outrageous and $100 really isn't much around here.

 

[salmoneous]

Whether or not you agree with the culture, the question was simply "what is the going rate". Personally, I think the spend-a-zillion-bucks-on-parties culture is wacky (you should see what they do for preschool-aged birthday parties) but it is what it is.

Going rate for a typical New Jersey / New York / Long Island wedding (banquet hall, dinner, etc.) is $200-250 / couple.

Personally, given the going rate, I wouldn't give a cash gift of $100. If I didn't feel comfortable with a larger cash gift, I'd spend the money on something off the registry or a box of wine or something. I don't know why it makes a difference - the whole gift giving culture isn't 100% logical - but it my mind it does.

 

[BeccaGrace]

Wow...I was going to say $100 was fine until I read all the responses! Good thing we haven't been invited to any weddings lately!!

Between gifts for the engagement party, shower, wedding and all the stuff that goes along with it I'd probably spend more than the $1000 I spent on my entire Central NJ wedding (which might not have been as ritzy as some of these but was most definitely beautiful and magical!)...

I agree with the person who said to give what is in your budget and shame on them if they think of you as cheap...a wedding should not be a business venture where people seek to break even or make a profit on the day. How much a person wants to spend on their wedding is up to them but they shouldn't expect people to adjust their gifts based on the level of their extravagance. Just my opinion of course

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

My sister and her three grown and married kids live in NJ (some in Northern NJ, some in Southern). I live in NC, and I agree with formernyer that NY/NJ weddings are a different breed! I received very little cash and almost all wrapped gifts when I got married, but my sister's kids received almost all cash. We gave them some cash and a gift from their registry. (My sister even asked me to return a gift I bought off my nephew's registry and just give him all cash, but that's another story. I decided to let him return it for cash if he wanted.)

I have heard that your gift should cover the cost of your plate, but I don't agree with it. My niece's wedding was over $150 per plate, and we did give enough to cover that since we are close to her, but I wouldn't give that much for a cousin's child. The trend in NJ seems to be full fancy sit down dinners, but I have seen my NJ family trying to one-up their friends who have gotten married. You are not choosing how much they spend on you, and the point is not to keep a balance sheet of gifts versus expenditures. Wedding gifts are not intended to pay for a couple's dream wedding but to send good wishes and to help them establish a home. I agree that you should give what you can afford, but also something commensurate with the closeness of your relationship. I think formernyer had a good idea of buying a gift on sale for $100 - if they are registered somewhere, you can probably find something on their registry less expensive than where they registered.

In the end, a wedding gift is supposed to be an expression of your good wishes to them, not an indicator of your income. Give what you are comfortable giving, and have a good time!

 

[jillyjoey]

Boy -- I feel ripped off here. . . I am a Northerner (from PA originally) but got married in MS 11 years ago this month. We only got about $100 in cash... and if we got a present at the shower we didn't get a wedding present. Moreover, a few families even went together on a fork for our place setting. (BTW -- these weren't poor families either -- middle to upper class in MS -- and long time family friends and relatives). That said . .. I probably would not go to many weddings in NJ or NY -- especially if $200+ is the standard gift. I have never spent more than $100 on a wedding present and probably never will.

 

[vanyel]

Maybe it's an indication of my age but I think you should give what you can afford, and what you want to give. Weddings shouldn't be about how much show and money is involved but about the marriage of two people that "love" each other and want to make a formal committment. IMHO, many weddings have turned into a circus! And too many families go into major debt for a wedding that in too many cases end up in divorce.

Wedding gifts are a gift, not an obligation or a bill.

I had a friend who didn't attend my wedding because she was embarrassed because she couldn't afford a gift. Unfortunately she told me this after the wedding because I would have told her, come anyway - it's about the celebration not the gift.

Enough of my rant - sorry - but this is a topic/trend that I find rather disturbing.

 

[Belle5]

Maybe it's an indication of my age but I think you should give what you can afford, and what you want to give.

Enough of my rant - sorry - but this is a topic/trend that I find rather disturbing.

I couldn't agree more! I think this ridiculous mentality is going to leave many bride and grooms wondering why no one shows up for their wedding. It is not your fault if the expectations and regional customs are over-the-top!

My second born recently celebrated his high school graduation and Eagle Scout. We hosted a lunch at a rec. center along with basketball, ping-pong, etc. Some folks came and gave him nothing financially. We were so thrilled that these people came just so that our son felt cared about. Some people gave him $25. What a nice gift! Several people gave him $100. (Yes, even non-relatives). Every gift was so appreciated but we truly just wanted "warm bodies" to SHOW UP to make him feel special on his special day. We would never, ever have looked at what we spent on the party and had expectations of recovering our costs. It was our choice to throw the party and spend what we did because we love our son and wanted to treat our friends to lunch.

I think that if you can't afford a sit-down meal at your reception you shouln't have one! Why should your guests pay for it! You are not entitled to ANYTHING! Serve cake and punch if that's what you can afford. The materialistic idiots will think you are tacky but many will be relieved and respect you for it!