OT: Am I being a SNOB!!

[TKERBELL]

I do not post as often as I used to - I do more lurkng these days (great advice without asking and wonderful suggestions out there - THANK YOU TO ALL WHO CONTRIBUTE)

So here is my dilemma:

If you don't like someone because of what they do (drugs, money moocher, freeloader, drop out, thinking the world owes them, not going anywhere,.....just not a desireable person to be around for lifestyle) and this is not a person you would choose to be in your life - does it make it a difference if the person/people is/are family? And while you would not invite these people/person to your house you seem to have to be around them when going to others (like your own parents)?

It isn't that I do not want to give out specifics it is just that there are so many details, I could write a book -

I can tell you that one is my brother, one is my uncle, one is my cousin - the house my mom's (uncle is her brother living at my mom's, cousin is his son, vistis FREQUENTLY) - my family is just completely screwed up - I MEAN SCREWED UP!!!! There is also a situation in which my uncle's daughter was living with us for the past 3 years, we sent her back to her mom's for reasons I would rather not expel here (lying, and getting my then DS13 involved in it are only just small infractions) now my brother is taking her to his house - for the rest of the summer - I am furious - it feels like a blatant(sp?) slap in the face - My family seems to celebrate screw-ups and the rest of us have to sit back and nod our heads - for example the first cousin has 2 children by 2 diferent woman, not that big of a deal, until you factor in that he has no job, he was married to the first one (still is) when the second one got pregnant, the first child was not even 6 mos old - and everyone just drools over his gushing about the 2 children he can NOT even support - Do not even get me started on the mother in all of this!!!

Any thoughts?? I am seriously considering telling both my parents that if they continue to chose aloowing them to thier house - my family (me, DH DS14, DS12, DS6) will not be joining them for any thing they will be around for....

For the record, I am 39, my brother is 35, my uncle is 54 (yes 54) and my cousins are 21 and 17.....

Well - venting over - so just curious ...AM I BEING A SNOB!!!!!

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

I don't think your being a snob, it sounds to me like you've worked hard to raise your own family respectable and you're worried about your mothers generous nature being taken advantage of- she's your mom, it's natural that you're going to be protective of her especially if people are blatantly mooching with no attempts to better themselves.

I married into a errrmm... "interesting" family in those respects and similar situation, I hate to see my MIL being taken advantage of especially when i know with some effort those who take advantage of her kindness could have exactly the same life we do (DHs one sister namely- they have the same # of kids as us, similar age as me they just knowingly make really selfish, idiotic decisions constantly rather than putting their kids first) and I get frustrated when they put on the act for the sympathy vote because DH & I came from the exact same starting point as them, had more struggled during that time but haven't become what they have and yet the more you do for yourself the more it seems people feel obliged to help them match or better than us and it often feels frustrating

Personally i wouldn't refuse to go over- that would be cutting your mom out and I'd worry that if you cut contact with her they'd take advantage even further, if you maintain contact and help her rebuild her own self esteem and help her see they need to be helping themselves as well as her helping them you stand more chance of improving the situation

 

[Arky]

You are setting boundaries. That is a good thing for your family - your DH and kids. The boundaries you set may not be appreciated by everyone else - your parents. Do what is right for you and your family.

No I do not think you are a snob!!! I think you are being strong and courageous. It's not easy to do what you are thinking!

Just always remember to do this in love - don't be cruel.

 

[TKERBELL]

I should clarify a few things as well - not just my mom's house - my parents house, my grandparents are staying with my parents as well until September (they are both elderly and need care) then my mom wants to complain to me - it is so insane - these people!!!

There is sooooo much more to this saga - it is a lifetime of fouls and screw up and take care of me....I AM FAMILY card all the time and my parents end up "arguing" with my dad having to give in to his wife because it's "FAMILY" - seriously at some point they all need to GROW UP and empower them selves but as long as my mom & my grandmother continue to be enablers and they continue to bail them all out - they will never have independence

Just frustrating!!

 

[Feralpeg]

Is it really right to ask your mom to make a choice between family members? No matter how screwed up they are, she probably loves them. Perhaps, you should have a talk with your mom and express your concerns that you think she is being taken advantage of. I can understand your not wanting your family around the others. Maybe you could not attend the big family events at your mom's and have your mom over other times.

I'm just afraid that giving your mom an ultimatum could backfire on you and you could alienate your mom.

 

[twooley2]

I feel your pain. We too have some messed up family. The shame in life is that there are a lot of things you can pick, but family is not one of them. (at least that is what I was told)

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I'm really sorry you have to put up with relatives who can't take care of themselves, and their enablers. Personally, I think you're right to be outraged, disgusted, and reluctant to associate with them.

It doesn't matter to me if a person is a relative or someone outside of the family - once behavior goes in a certain direction, I cut ties. I have cousins I haven't spoken to in many years because they are just dead-beats and I have no tolerance. I've "broken up" with more friends than I can count because they do or say things I can't put up with - some of the stuff is petty (drama queens who love to embellish a story), but I'm just not the kind of girl who can be friends with someone like that.

To answer your question about being a snob - I'd say yes, you sure are! But I also think that there's nothing wrong with being a snob about behavior and integrity and being an adult. Snob on, Baby! Snob on!

 

[eeyoremum]

If you are a snob then we could start a club.

I decided to dump the loser family (DM, DB, DS) 5 years ago, although not easy it is the best thing I ever did for myself and my family (DH, DS, DS). I am considered the "witch" of the family but am the only one with a decent job and no "drama".

 

[TKERBELL]

SNOB club unite!!!

Thanks for the advice and words of wisdom -

 

[TKERBELL]

Is it really right to ask your mom to make a choice between family members? No matter how screwed up they are, she probably loves them. Perhaps, you should have a talk with your mom and express your concerns that you think she is being taken advantage of. I can understand your not wanting your family around the others. Maybe you could not attend the big family events at your mom's and have your mom over other times.

I'm just afraid that giving your mom an ultimatum could backfire on you and you could alienate your mom.

I would never ask anyone to choose, for that exact reason. That is why I am making the decision to walk away - my mom is not a fraile person - she is just too much of a saint - she does not like strife and she feels the need to take on everyone's burdens - in all fairness to my mom and to my less that desireable members of my family - I was once in a situation that left much to be desired - the difference is that I got up and I made something of myself, I work hard, I play hard and I vacation hard - all on mine and DH's money!!!

I have 3 great children, everything DH & I have we worked hard to get and we earned - we did not have any of it handed to us - I am starting back to school to finish the degree I started MANY MANY moons ago, and the only reason it has taken me this long, was DH & I decided that since we could afford for me to stay at home, I did. I went back to work just a year ago and fortunately for me as part of thier programs, they pay for my education - lock stick and barrell - KHARMA!!

I guess I will never be the favorite!!!

 

[Disneymom4123]

I guess i too am part of the club!! Dmil will watch her daughters child yet when we ask her to watch my dd on a rare occasion it's a big prob(the father of the kid is a druggie and the mom is a low life) The child is 2 1/2 and can't say one word and also can not even attempt to feed himself and is very hyper active. My dd 3 is a average 3 year old and it kills me to see that just because his sister is a low life her child gets more attetion then mine does. Mind you my dh helped raise his youngest sister because his father had passed away... He also has a cousin who don't know who her baby's dad is and yet she bad mouths my daughter and I.. And my husband wonders why I can't stand his family

 

[Wendybird55]

Your family - you , DH and children are what's most important and should be #1 in your thoughts and actions. You are not being a snob or a bad daughter by seperating yourself from these problems - you are being a great mom and wife.

Your mom, uncle, cousins, brothers are all adults and chances are they are going to do what they want to do regardless of what you say - it seems to have been going on awhile and chances are it won't change much. So why subject yourself and your family to the craziness.?

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. Let your parents know how you feel and tell them you will always be there for them and they are always welcome to visit you and your family (by themselves without other relatives), but you prefer not to subject your children to the "craziness" that currently exists at their house.

I know this is very difficult to do. It's tough being a mom, but you are definately doing the right thing by putting your children first and doing what you know is best for them and YOUR family.

Good Luck!

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

I didn't read other replies. Coming from a screwed up family myself I can tell you what I go through. I have family that says well if this one is coming then I am not coming. We had a bday party planned to surprise my mom and one sis said well if brother #4 is coming then I won't be there. We have been dealing with this for years. Finally I said well then don't come. I am inviting who I want to invite and if you chose not to visit then so be it. I can not have 2 parties (dinners, visits) just to accomodate everyone else. It is not like you have to live with the people you don't like, just suck it up enough to visit with the ones you do like. Hard as it may be to do.

It truely does stink coming from a screwed up family.

 

[TKERBELL]

Funny - I hear the speech in my head (you know the speech - the conversation you have with the other person in your own head - where it ALWAYS goes your way - you always have the right thing to say - the right comment, the right situation to describe - YEP that one) and I know that I am right, I know it - I know that the needs of my family (DH & DSx3) come before everyone else - and yet - I know it will turn ugly - because on top of EVERYTHING - my family (as wonderful as they are - she said dripping with sarcasm) have always been firm believers that how you win an arguement is not who is right it is who is screaming the loudest and the longest -

I guess if I was born with a set of real b-a-l-l-s instead of the proverbial ones - boys/men in my family can do NO wrong - no matter what they do!! More and more I am believing that I need to walk - no make that run screaming with my hair on fire as far away from the insanity of it all!!!

Thank you all so much for your advice and for your support!!

 

[TKERBELL]

I didn't read other replies. Coming from a screwed up family myself I can tell you what I go through. I have family that says well if this one is coming then I am not coming. We had a bday party planned to surprise my mom and one sis said well if brother #4 is coming then I won't be there. We have been dealing with this for years. Finally I said well then don't come. I am inviting who I want to invite and if you chose not to visit then so be it. I can not have 2 parties (dinners, visits) just to accomodate everyone else. It is not like you have to live with the people you don't like, just suck it up enough to visit with the ones you do like. Hard as it may be to do.

It truely does stink coming from a screwed up family.

Oh I can assure you that I will not be the first in my family to refuse to talk or be around someone - my grandmother and her brother have not spoken in YEARS!!! The story behind that one is nuts - again it is about $$$ isn't it always!!! Funny how money+family=SINKING SHIP

And yes it does stick comeing from a screwed up family - but it sure makes for some pretty interesting entertainment at family gatherings!!LOL

 

[brandylouwho]

Snob, well, maybe. I have been accused of being one too. I don't know your entire situation, but I think your first obligation is to your hubby & kids and maintaining a safe & stable environment for them. But I am not a fan of cutting people completely off either, although I am sure there are extreme situations that it is called for.

We have a diverse family (liars, lazies and a few downright crazies too ) to deal with too and my grandma, God help her, just makes things worse. She loves us all unconditionally. This may sound wonderful, but it is not all it is cracked up to be. Some have learned how to use her to their advantage.

We purposely just limited our exposure. We get a lot of grief for that sometimes, but it has been the best way my DH and I could figure out to compromise. I could never cut them off, wouldn't want to--but less frequent visits, shorter time spent there when we do visit, etc seem to help us tolerate it all.

I can more easily overlook many of the "issues" if they aren't in my face 24/7. And when grandma starts telling me all the details about something that gets my blood boiling, I either tell her that it is time to change the subject or I find an excuse to cut that conversation short ("Oh, the baby is crying" is a good one). And when one of the undesirables shows up at a gathering, we try to keep our distance and maybe leave the gathering a little earlier.

I know she thinks I am a snob (I hear things like "well, maybe that's how they do it in the city"), but to me they are living in a bizarro alternate reality. This will always be this way, but it takes all kinds to make the world go 'round I suppose.

 

[HGD24]

You are not being a snob. An important part of being healthy and having a healthy family is mental health. It sounds like these people are not mentally healthy and cause you alot of stress, therefore, causing you to be mentally unhealthy. That stress trickles down to your children and your marriage...trust me...we've got some of this that we've been dealing with for the past couple of years too. We can avoid being in the same place as the stressor for the most part, but when we can't, I just keep my distance from them as much as possible.