"Open Casket" when it should have been "Closed Casket"

[julie_yet]

That makes me think of a story my mom told me. She went to a funeral for a friend who had requested a closed casket. When my mom showed up she was horrified to see that the son of the deceased had gone against his mother's wishes. The poor woman had died of liver cancer and her skin was bright yellow which looked even worse next to her red hair. As soon as my mom got him alone she reamed him a new one and made him close the casket.

When my aunt died we opted for a closed casket. I saw her in her bed the day she died and that image is burned into my brain. She weighed less than 90 pounds and was severly gaunt. Nothing the funeral home could've done would have made her look "presentable". It's not how she would have wanted to be remembered.

 

[Chipmunk89]

To all those who have lost friends and family. I can't imagine having to be the person to make those decisions.

Anyway my point is that I think this thread's in bad taste, just be thankful that you never had to make a horrible decision like open or closed.

If you thought the thread was in bad taste, just close it and go on to another thread.

 

[EMom]

When I was 12, a 13 y.o. male friend died in a motorcycle wreck. My best friend was staying at my house and we'd been asked to go riding with this group....everyone taking turns. They were riding down my road, as it's kind of in the country. My mother said absolutely not. Everytime another pair would drive past, they would honk and we would wave.

The boy that died was a "golden boy." Handsome, athletic, smart, artistic, funny, nice and the most popular boy in his grade for good reason. Everybody on our small town loved that kid. He was riding on the back with no helmet and when the driver lost control, he flew off. His head went right into a big tree and the only way to put it is that his head split open. He died instantly.

The evening of the visitation, my best friend's mother took the two of us. I think my mother was supposed to take us to the funeral the next day. Even though open caskets are the norm where we grew up, I don't think it dawned on either mother that the casket would be open, given his injuries. Anyway, my friend and I went up to the casket and there was what had been the most beautiful, sweet boy......and we could see the ridges where they had puzzle-pieced his head back together. It was horrific. I can still see it today. We got very upset and the mom took us home. She told my mother and they both decided there was no way they were taking us to the funeral the next day.

I have no idea what the family was thinking. I don't blame them in any way. The poor mother was out of her mind with grief. Maybe in her eyes, she just saw her son. But there were dozens and dozens of 11, 12, 13 and 14 y.o. kids there to pay their respects and none of us were ready for what we saw. I am halfway scared of open caskets to this day, all because of that. I expected to see my friend and I saw something nightmarish. Unfortunately, that is how I remember him.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

My MIL died in May. DH is one of 5 children. 4 of them wanted a closed casket but one insisted on an open one, so open it was. The one who wanted the open casket spent the entire funeral crying and complaining about how her mother looked.

She looked dead. Everyone in a casket looks dead. I fail to see how a waxy statue of a person makes anyone feel better. I know that when my own mother died (18 years ago), seeing her in her casket meant that for years afterwards that was how I pictured her. I wish I had never looked.

My thoughts? If seeing the body is so important, do it privately and don't subject other people to having to look and say, "oh, he/she looks so good!"

 

[barkley]

my father's side of the family put a stop to open caskets following a freak but traumatic event at my grandmother's funeral. my father and his siblings were standing around the casket and saying their final farewells when all of a sudden they saw tears coming from one of her eyes, streaming down her cheek it was later determined that the funeral home had not completly drained one of her tear ducts but the experience was horrifying for those who witnessed it.

 

[3jsmommy]

I have been to 2 suicide funerals with open caskets. I was floored. I couldn't believe the first one was open casket (hanging, you could see the marks even through a scarf!!) but I REALLY couldn't believe the second one (he shot himself in the head!!!!). I was just...wow. I have no idea what the families were thinking. It was very disturbing to me.

First of all, I never said I don't have compassion and respect. I said I was disturbed by it. I said I didn't know what they were thinking...meaning (surprise!) I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE THINKING!!! Or feeling. Or whatever. It was not discussed. I said how it affected ME. I never said I knew why they did it or didn't have compassion for them. I would never complain to them or say a word about it. They are going through enough. Still doesn't mean I can't say I was DISTURBED by it...that was my reaction and you can't stop me from stating it. I swear, this is the craziest message board I have ever been a part of! Including the UNmoderated ones!

Who tried to stop you from stating your opinion?
I merely stated mine.
The point is & you have said it three times, and your right, you don't know what they were thinking because obviously you could never imagine trying to keep it together while dealing with trying to make the right decision in a situation like that.
I wasn't trying to put you on the defensive, but your first post read very insensitive to me. The (!!!) & telling that you could "see it through the scarf"!!

 

[3jsmommy]

To all those who have lost friends and family. I can't imagine having to be the person to make those decisions.








If you thought the thread was in bad taste, just close it and go on to another thread.

Or I could give another opinion & maybe a different perspective.
I have not responded to many threads like that, but I felt a need to say how I felt about this, just like the rest of the posters here.

 

[Jenvenza]

I know what you mean. I dont understand that, but I guess everyone thinks differently about it. My cousin was in a horrible accident were he was decapitated as well, but my aunt and uncle had a closed casket.

Maybe some people just need to have that last bit of closure and need to see them one last time.

 

[ilisao]

I do find open caskets in bad taste. IMO, that is not the way people should be remembered, dull looking and lifeless (yes, I know they have no life at that point - you all know what I mean) in a casket. They should be remembered as they were in life.

As a Jew, we do not do viewings and open caskets. If the immediate family wants closure, they do have the option of seeing their loved one in their casket privately for a few minutes. But there is not open casket for all the mourners. And that's the way it should be, I feel.

DHs best friend died unexpectedly last year. We got to the funeral home and their was an open casket which we were not expecting. DH was shaken to the core. Besides the fact his friend looked plastic and dull, it just overtook our last happy memories of him. For those that said we shouldn't go up to the casket if we don't like it, well, that would be even more disrespectful. And in this case, you could see it very vividly from all around the room; there was no avoiding it even if you didn't go up to it.

 

[Chipmunk89]

Or I could give another opinion & maybe a different perspective.
I have not responded to many threads like that, but I felt a need to say how I felt about this, just like the rest of the posters here.

OT,

I see many threads on the DIS that I find stupid, silly, gross, mean or in bad taste. However, I don't open the thread and tell the other posters that "this thread's in bad taste", or "ya'll are being mean." Duh, I knew from the thread's title that the thread would. And when someone does do that (you) it seems alot like .

 

[SadieG]

When I was younger one of my best friends was killed in a car accident. The casket was open. For some reason they couldn't get my friend's mouth to close. It was open with their head tilted slightly back. I about passed out. My husband had to hold me. The entire time I was at the casket one of the family members was telling me how beautiful the friend looked. In this case if it had been my decision I would have had the casket open for very close family and closed for the rest. It's been about 23 years and I can still play the whole experience in my mind.

When my mom died I didn't think it looked like her at all. My sisters said the same thing, how good she looked. I was young then too. That might have had something to do with it.

I also had a similar experience that another poster had with a female relative. She was elderly, never wore makeup, hair in a bun, apron, etc. When we entered the funeral home we could see the bright pink lipstick and blush from the door! Her dress was light pink so I guess whoever did the makeup tried to match the colors. The family didn't request the makeup BUT they didn't say Not to add that kind of makeup either. The family talked to the funeral director and he tried to tone it down with powder or something. But it was still very PINK. That was 20 years ago and know we can talk about it and smile.

Lesson learned: Always make sure the person in charge knows what is expected.

I personally think if you can view the body (no major trauma) it helps with closure and acceptance. I think just the process of visiting the funeral home makes the experience "real".

Someone I know doesn't go up to view the body but does visit the funeral home and talk with family and friends. Usually this can be done because of several rooms attached to the main area or going in the back of the seating area.

Sadie

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

A little OT: I have a nephew who is 8 now and has been to a lot of funerals in his small life, unfortunately....And to our dismay, he is obsessed with seeing the bodies!!! At one of our great uncle's funerals, he kept pulling on his mom to go up to the casket while she was talking. My poor Great Aunt came up to him and tried to console him. He looked up at her and said "Will you take me up to see Dead Uncle Wayne?" I grabbed his hand and marched him up there, talking to him about respect. When we got to the casket, he told me about our Uncle's red lipstick used to cover up his pale lips and things he learned about the embalming process. Maybe we have a future mortician in our family?

 

[Deb in IA]

I have to admit to the OP that the very same thought crossed my mind when I read about Brooke Bennett's funeral. (I just didn't have the nerve to post it, since I knew it would be controversial!)


Now, not saying that anything "should" have been closed, we have been to funerals where we leave thinking, "Wow, that person didn't look very good . . . "

One was for a friend and colleague, who had battled depression for years and years. She committed suicide about 6 years ago by slamming her car into a concrete post under an intersection. The casket was open, but her head was misshapen, and her face was badly bruised and swollen. Her tracheostomy incision was clearly seen on her neck, despite make-up and a scarf. It was a large Catholic family, and the subject of her suicide was very awkward. Most of the family was calling her death a "car accident", but her loud, boisterous brother was very adamant, and not too tactful - he was telling everyone, "Yup, she finally done her self in! She did this on purpose, no doubt about it! She's been trying to do this for years, and now she finally did it!" Sadly, this happened just a few weeks before her youngest child was to make her First Communion . . .

My sister's best friend in high school was also killled in a horrible car accident. She was broadsided by two druggies who were high, had no license, and ran a red light with no lights on (it happened at 9 pm at night). The girl that was killed was beautiful, inside and out - Homecoming Queen, popular, well-liked. Her casket was pure white and closed, and on top, her parents put her Senior Portrait in a large frame. It was still so sad, seeing her beautiful, happy face, so full of life and hope, on that sad casket . . .

My uncle passed away after a long and full life. He had pancreatic cancer, and died only 3 weeks after his diagnosis. Although he looked fine, my cousins decided to have the casket open only during the family viewing times, and closed for the general viewing. I really liked that idea.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

I have never been to a closed casket viewing. My aunt passed away in 1998, i was 14. It was the first viewing that I had to go to for someoen that I was very close to, so I was not sure what to expect when I got to the funeral home. My aunt battled cancer. When i saw her in the casket, she looked like "normal" if that makes any sense. It was actually beneficial for me to see her. But i can see how it could be the other way around as well

 

[Rock'n Robin]

While I have to respect the decision of families, my own decision for myself will be cremation and no viewing. I have seen non-traumatic viewings, but they are outnumbered by the traumatic. A friend who committed suicide with carbon monoxide when I was 17 put me off of funerals for a long while.
Since I've been teaching I have been to 2 viewings that disturbed me. One girl was killed in a robbery, shot in the back of the head. I knew her face looked distorted, but didn't know why until I overheard her little sister say the shot blew her eyes out. Then one of my students had a baby who was shaken to death by his father at age one month. I never in a jillion years expected to walk in and see a baby that small in an open casket. I had to go back to school afterwards and I was a mess.
I always speak to the relatives of the deceased and will look at the deceased if that is where the relatives are standing, but try to avoid it otherwise--and I hope that is not seen as disrespectful.
OT, I am a sympathy crier and will start to cry if anyone near me at viewings is crying.
Robin M.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

Mine is similar to the OP's, my friend was in a bad accident, and they decided to have an open casket. He didn't even look like him, but I can never get that picture out of my head.

 

[Amlee]

my father's side of the family put a stop to open caskets following a freak but traumatic event at my grandmother's funeral. my father and his siblings were standing around the casket and saying their final farewells when all of a sudden they saw tears coming from one of her eyes, streaming down her cheek it was later determined that the funeral home had not completly drained one of her tear ducts but the experience was horrifying for those who witnessed it.

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! My first thought would have been to turn around and run. But the way my family works, it would have turned into a huge laugh.

My mother walked up to the casket of a great uncle of hers who died of bone cancer. The cancer was in his face. They had already removed part of his jaw to try and save his life, but if didn't work. As she got to the casket his face caved in. She blocked the line and got the funeral home directors attention. They quickly closed his casket and took the family out of the room.

How it works here, is the family is given an hour of viewing before the public. So a few years back a family went in to view their father. One of the daughters stepped up to the casket and fell over dead of a heart attack. The family held up the father's funeral and had a double burial for him and his daughter.

 

[mamamary]

I could swear that my mom told me that when she was younger and at a wake that the body moved on it's own (by the way when she was young wakes were held in your home ). She's on vacation or I'd call her and ask. That would freak me out.

 

[Amlee]

I could swear that my mom told me that when she was younger and at a wake that the body moved on it's own (by the way when she was young wakes were held in your home ). She's on vacation or I'd call her and ask. That would freak me out.

Thought of two more.

Back in the early 1900s my great-grandfather helped dig the graves at our church. This lady had died and the family buried her. Well her parents made it into community a few days later and the mother demanded to see her daughter. So my grandfather and a few others dug the women's casket back up. Now remember we are talking rural Alabama around 1915. Well when they dug her up and opened the casket, it seems that the women hadn't really died. Because their was claw marks where she had used her nails to claw the wood above her. She had also pulled out all of her hair. He said the look of death on her face, was something he would never forget.

Also back in the 40s, the viewing was still done at home (it's still done ever once and while). My grandmother and a few other ladies were taken the flowers out to the cemetery to lay over the ground of the new grave. As they were leaving she was walking and sunk straight down to her knees into a grave that wasn't marked.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I personally find open caskets beneficial to me for the closure aspect. I had two close friends die my freshman year of college, but couldn't make it home for their funerals. To this day it is difficult for me to think of them as dead since the last memory of them is of them alive and well. The ones where I have been to an open casket funeral, I rarely ever think of them in the casket when I remember them, even though that is my last memory of them. I think of them how I always knew them, but it was helpful for me to know that they were dead.