"Open Casket" when it should have been "Closed Casket"

[Disney Doll]

Any open casket wake I've been tp has been fine for being open. My friend's stepfather was killed in a car accident many years ago and the funeral home did a great job of fixing him up for the open casket. The funeral director had my friend and I go in and look at him before the funeral started to see if he looked OK for her mother to see (her mother was positively distraught & didn't think she could face seeing him if he didn't look pretty much like himself) and to have an open casket. He did look OK. The one thing the funeral director said was "Don't touch his face". Apparently one side of his face had had a lot of damage in the accident and was sort of put back together, although you coudln't tell that looking at him, I think the funeral director was afraid that if people touched it, the repair might move or something.

Of course, what is the first thing her mother goes to do but touch his face. Of course we had to say "Don't" and she knew, but she was OK.

 

[Stella3]

Your thread title says "should have been closed" how do you decide if the casket should have been closed?
It's a very personal decision & just because you were uncomfortable with an open casket doesn't make it wrong!

I'm sorry but the comment about "the parents wanting to see their daughter that way" really irked me, maybe after identifying their child in the morgue, the way she looked after they fixed her up was comforting in some way to them.

I believe you need to re-read the OP, I never said "the parents wanting to see their daughter that way".

I don't care if loved ones want to see the dead in any state. I just think they should think twice before subjecting funeral home visitors to the sight (especially if it is ghastly). Many people think it disrespectful to NOT view the body if it is available for viewing.

 

[3jsmommy]

I agree with this. It provides a "finality" to a horrible situation. Its an opportunity to say goodbye, in whatever way the family needs to. The wake is for the family and the loved ones to do what they feel is right. No one else should judge.

Exactly, why judge a decsion made by people who are doing their best just trying to keep it together at that point?

 

[3jsmommy]

I believe you need to re-read the OP, I never said "the parents wanting to see their daughter that way".

No you didn't the second poster did while agreeing w/ you.

 

[LoveKermit]

I had a friend that I grew up with commit suicide with his gun--he was a cop. They had an open casket with his uniform on. They did a good job and it looked like him.

We also had a student in our school do the same. My MIL was the principal at the time and had to go to the wake. I think she said it was open. And you could tell something had happened to his head.

It is definitely a tough decision. One I don't always agree with. But I do the right thing and pay my respects at the body. My cop friend was the hardest wake I've gone to in that respect.

 

[goofinoff]

No you didn't the second poster did while agreeing w/ you.

Yup, that was me. I said that I was surprised that the parents would want to see her like that. It was just my personal opinion that's all. I wasn't at all taking anything away from the parents. I don't know how I would react. I hope to NEVER find out. It's terrible that any parent even has to make that kind of decision. It's not natural for a parent to lose a child. It's not supposed to be that way. Didn't mean to offend or to make it look like I was judging. Just stating my opinion because that's what we do here. Sorry.

 

[froggygrrrl]

My condolences to everyone who has ever been faced with this decision. I can't even imagine. I am so terrified of walking up to the casket at funerals and wakes as it is (and I've thankfully never had to attend one where there was obvious trauma to the body), that I just can not fathom the discomfort and sadness that must go along with this. I know that I always prefer to remember the deceased as I picture them from memories, and not always from the last physical time I have seen them.

 

[Stella3]

Yup, that was me. I said that I was surprised that the parents would want to see her like that. It was just my personal opinion that's all. I wasn't at all taking anything away from the parents. I don't know how I would react. I hope to NEVER find out. It's terrible that any parent even has to make that kind of decision. It's not natural for a parent to lose a child. It's not supposed to be that way. Didn't mean to offend or to make it look like I was judging. Just stating my opinion because that's what we do here. Sorry.

I appreciate your opinion. You can't constantly worry about offending someone. You intent was not malicious, so don't worry, they will get over it.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

This isn't exactly the same, but my great grandma died in her late 90's. She was a very religious woman that always wore her hair in a slicked back bun and never in her life had worn even a drop of makeup. I was in, I believe 5th grade when she died, and the one thing I remember is the BRIGHT RED lipstick on her and blue eye shadow. It was completely disrespectful. My dad was horrified!

When my mom passed away, as morbid as it is, my sister actually did her makeup as a request from my mom. She had cancer, so we all knew that she would pass and she didn't want to end up with red lipstick and blue eyeshadow. We had an open casket with her, which was actually good for all of us. She looked so much more peaceful than in the last days...

ok...gotta go find something happy to read now....

 

[goofinoff]

I appreciate your opinion. You can't constantly worry about offending someone. You intent was not malicious, so don't worry, they will get over it.

I know! It's funny when you go into a thread that asks your opinion and people get ticked off when you say yours. Whatever! Have a good night! I'm out!

 

[TomLovesBecky]

I have been to 2 suicide funerals with open caskets. I was floored. I couldn't believe the first one was open casket (hanging, you could see the marks even through a scarf!!) but I REALLY couldn't believe the second one (he shot himself in the head!!!!). I was just...wow. I have no idea what the families were thinking. It was very disturbing to me.

 

[Amlee]

I have seen some who looked like they were asleep and at peace.

When I was a senior in high school, one of my classmates was electrocuted and then fell into the lake. He was under for some time before they managed to pull him out. He was very bloated and discolored. My first reaction was he should have been closed. His mother kept rubbing her fingers through his hair talking about how beautiful he looked. She wasn't seeing what I was seeing. She was seeing her son.

 

[LovinPooh]

are you referring to the girl from VT? I didnt know they had an open casket (if it is her to you are referring). It appeared to be closed on the news.
God that was just awful... it about drove me to tears when they came on the news and said they had found her body.
In my opinion on the matter, I believe what ever the family members need for closure is what should be acceptable.
I have been to my fair share of open caskets. As long as I dont have to touch one I am okay. In all my years of nursing, that has freaked me out the most lol.

god bless the little girls family

 

[lowie]

jewish people never do open caskets so i was never in a position to see a body until my BIL passed(he was not jewish) and his parents really wanted an open casket. my sister did as they wished, but most of the family on our side were very badly affected by it. it's a picture in my brain i will never forget. that being said, i think my sister did the right thing for her in-laws. she knew that losing their only son was incomprehensibly hard for them and it meant so much for them to see him at peace.

i don't think it is disrespectful to avoid seeing the body. some people just don't want that to be their last memory.

 

[3jsmommy]

I have seen some who looked like they were asleep and at peace.

When I was a senior in high school, one of my classmates was electrocuted and then fell into the lake. He was under for some time before they managed to pull him out. He was very bloated and discolored. My first reaction was he should have been closed. His mother kept rubbing her fingers through his hair talking about how beautiful he looked. She wasn't seeing what I was seeing. She was seeing her son.

That is really wonderful that you could see that at such a young age, you must have been very mature.
That's my point, the decisions for the services are given to the parents (or closest relative) because they are going to live with this for the rest of their lives & it (the grief) will become a part of who they are, not a simple vent on a message board, not a simple "should have been closed" statement, know what I mean?

 

[3jsmommy]

I have been to 2 suicide funerals with open caskets. I was floored. I couldn't believe the first one was open casket (hanging, you could see the marks even through a scarf!!) but I REALLY couldn't believe the second one (he shot himself in the head!!!!). I was just...wow. I have no idea what the families were thinking. It was very disturbing to me.

Then just think of how the family feels & have some compassion & respect.

 

[powellrj]

Many years ago we went to a hairdresser that became a family friend. She was murdered and it haunted me for years. I had been to many open casket funerals, but I had never been to one of a murder victim. The look of fear in her face couldn't be concealed. I had always heard that the fear can't be hidden, and its true.

 

[LisaB]

Me personally I would rather have a open casket no matter how hard it is to see then to have a person cremated. My fil was cremated and there was no casket or anything to morn just his picture. I hated it

 

[Amlee]

That is really wonderful that you could see that at such a young age, you must have been very mature.
That's my point, the decisions for the services are given to the parents (or closest relative) because they are going to live with this for the rest of their lives & it (the grief) will become a part of who they are, not a simple vent on a message board, not a simple "should have been closed" statement, know what I mean?

Thank you.

I see the service for both the family and friends. but I also know that people handle their grief in different ways. Some need to have that viewing. They need that closer. My aunt and uncle were that way when their son died. I don't care to view the bodies. I will go and pay my respects to the family, but I'm not one of those to walk past the casket.

 

[veraletta]

I've had to go to three of them, 2 were closed and one was open.

My daughter was in high school when her best friend’s dad committed suicide, we went to the wake, and the mother of the girl came up to me, as she wanted me to go see her husband, which I told her that “I didn’t want to see her husband like that” and she said “you can’t tell that he shot himself, please I want you to see him”.

So we went up to see him and the lady said “see look you can’t tell that he shot himself between his eyes”, then before you knew it she put up his glasses, to show me where he shot himself and you could tell, it was a small hole.

I thought I was going to pass out It wasn’t that it looked bad just thinking about it made me feel weak.
I think she was still in shock and couldn’t believe her husband killed himself.

When my step father got killed in his plane my mom wanted an open casket it was the funeral home that told her that she couldn’t have it open, as there wasn’t much to show, as they said “we cant even dress him” and then the guy said “you don’t want to see him believe me its best if you don’t” as she kept saying she wanted to see him, they were so nice and just told her as best as they could, and said “look we can put his clothes in the casket for him if that will make you feel better, but you really don’t want to see him”
so his was closed.

When my brother in law died, my sister left it up to her children, my sister let her boys see him and that when they said they wanted it closed. Their dad was in Mexico on liberty when the accident occurred, seem when the third guy step outside on the third-floor metal balcony the railing at a hotel came loose from its concrete base and sent the three servicemen tumbling, he fell to his death and pronounced dead at the scene.

I think it’s better if the casket is closed as it’s easier, but then I think what if it was my husband or child; I know I would feel that I had to see them one last time.

I think it hard on everyone whether it’s open or closed so, what do you do?
It’s such a hard thing to say open or closed when it’s your loved one.